Recipe For Disaster

CHIP: Welcome to….. um, a special Wednesday edition of Shelf Critter Theatre.  This episode is in response to Miss Dingleberry’s contest on the Two Spoiled Cats blog where we have to provide the recipe for some really nasty cafeteria food that is used to poison children across the country every day.  Today we have the four and a half time winner of the Lead Chef contest, Snuggle Bear, in our studio today to try and make whatever the hell this crap is…

SNUGGLE: Piece of cake!

CHIP: That doesn’t look like cake to me.  Wait a minute!  What does that say on your apron!?!?

SNUGGLE: Hey, this chef doesn’t slave over a hot stove for kisses!

CHIP: You can’t wear that in this post!  Pam and Teddy run a family friendly blog!

SNUGGLE: Dafuq?  Since when do family friendly people follow The Nest?  (Snuggle rips off the apron  and throws it in the corner, where Fleabag starts humping it).  Alright, but I’m demanding a higher appearance fee!

CHIP: The continental breakfast in the green room IS your appearance fee.  Now how about we start with the cooking demonstration before we’re pre-empted by Lawrence Welk again.

SNUGGLE: Right, let me check out my equipment….

CHIP: Jesus H!  That’s enough knives to carve up everyone buried under Evil Squirrel’s crawlspace!  Where did you get all those, the OJ Simpson estate sale?

SNUGGLE: This is the “But wait, there’s MORE” part of the Ginsu knife I bought 30 years ago!  Cool shit, huh?

CHIP: No, and remind me not to turn my back during this segment.  Now the recipe?

SNUGGLE: Sure thing!  Let’s start this off right with a can of beer!

CHIP: Ummmmm… shouldn’t that ingredient be going in the bowl?

SNUGGLE: (Wiping his mouth) Don’t worry, I (HIC!) saved a few sips for the dish!

SNUGGLE: For this next part of the cooking demonstration, I’ll need a volunteer from the audience.  Dude!  What’s up with all the old broads in the crowd?

CHIP: That’s the demographic that watches this crap on afternoon TV.  Plus, they’re seat fillers we got off the street who were promised a post-show game of bingo for their time.

SNUGGLE: Damn, I was hoping to get a few hot numbers.  Oh well, you… yes YOU!  Come on down and help a bear out with this feast!

BUSTER: I hope this isn’t complicated.  I really don’t know anything about cooking.

SNUGGLE: No problemo, tubby!  I just need a couple pounds of fresh possum meat for this recipe!

BUSTER: Fresh possum meat?  Hmmmmm, I don’t think I know where you can get any of that….

WHACK!

SNUGGLE: BAM!  I got dibs on his copy of the home game!

CHIP: I don’t normally condone the murder of my show’s audience members….

SNUGGLE: Lighten up, dude!  This show’s ratings stink anyway.  Now for the next ingredient… one poisonous mushroom!

BUSTER: (Back from the dead, on screen this time) Happy birthday!

CHIP: A live resurrection is a good idea for sweeps month.

SNUGGLE: Oops!  Shoulda known I needed to add the mushroom first!  Oh well (Picking up a machete), I guess this recipe now calls for some twice baked possum!

CHIP: The critters in the front row are going to think they’re at a Gallagher show.

SNUGGLE: Speaking of hippies, it’s time to bring out a pinch of the Good Stuff!

FUZZYWIG: I thought you said you were making brownies.  My Good Stuff isn’t going to help out this bowl of sewage.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  Just put a dash of the grass in the bowl and go mellow out somewhere!

CHIP: I can’t believe we’re adding MARIHUANA to food on live TV…

FUZZYWIG: Welcome to the 2010’s, Nancy Reagan.  Don’t forget to preheat the oven to 420 degrees…

Fuzzywig exits Stage Bong.

SNUGGLE: Now for the next delectable ingredient….. a rich honey glaze!

CHIP: Now that doesn’t sound half bad.  Are you sure you’ve got your recipe…

Snuggle Bear rears back with a sneeze coming on

CHIP: Should I have an intern fetch some Kleenex for you?

CHIP: Holy Shiitake mushrooms!  Now you’ve just ruined everything because you didn’t cover…

SNUGGLE: Dude!  That IS the rich honey glaze!  What do you expect a bear’s sneeze to taste like?

CHIP: I have a feeling I’ll be on an involuntary hunger strike after this episode…

SNUGGLE: Now for the slow roasted marinade!

CHIP: This can’t possibly get any more unappetizing.

SNUGGLE: Yo dude!  There’s starving kids in Bumfuckistan who’d knife their own brother for some of this delicious shit!

CHIP: Is this demonstration about done before you turn my studio into a hazardous waste dump?

SNUGGLE: Almost!  I’ve just got to add the most secret ingredient to make this dish truly mouthwatering!

Yoooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

SNUGGLE: Mitzi baby!  You got some for me!

MITZI: I totally did!  I, like, filled this whole cup of my super secret bimbocorn sauce!

CHIP: What!?!?!?  Is that what I think it is!?!?!?

MITZI: Lulz!  It’s, like, not the K-word you know.

SNUGGLE: I think that’s a C-word, Mitz… but she’s right.  You sure have a preverted mind, Chip!

BEARCAT: We even helped Mommy make her special sauce in the Greasy Bake Oven!

ZEEBA: YAY!  I get cupback rides….

SPLASH!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!

ZEEBA: Blubbbidy blub blub!

SNUGGLE: As much as I like my food to have that little girl tang to it, would you kindly remove your spawn from my secret ingredient before her nasty ass diaper seeps into the flavor?

MITZI: (Retrieving her drowning daughter) Upsy daisy, baby grrl!

SNUGGLE: Alrighty!  Since Fuzzywig stole my Sterno cans to huff, I’ll just have to light this baby right here on the stage!

CHIP: It’s a good thing the fire marshal would end up being poisoned before he could shut down my studio.

SNUGGLE: And there you have it!  Doesn’t it look so yummy?

CHIP: That can’t possibly be more disgusting.

SNUGGLE: Before you dump anymore Haterade on my exquisite culinary creation, let’s find an impartial party to taste test it.  Hey you!  With the rat’s nest!  Get over here!

SNUGGLE: You look pretty hungry.  Go ahead… dig in!

TROLL: Boy, I haven’t had a good meal since Thanksgiving 1998.  And it doesn’t look like that’s going to change today.  But I guess beggars can’t be choosers….

Troll scoops up a bite with his grubby, unwashed hands and puts it in his mouth…

CHIP: I don’t think Mikey likes it…

SNUGGLE: Dammit!  I knew I forgot an ingredient!  Recycled food product!  There, now this qualifies as a certified organic recipe!

CHIP: To everyone out there coming over from Teddy’s blog….. I deeply, deeply apologize for what you all just witnessed.

You can go to this post to vote for Chef Snuggle Bear’s hideous recipe in the contest before the winner is announced Friday morning!  If he wins, Uncle Snuggie promises to make a possum chileh feast for everyone this weekend…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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33 Responses to Recipe For Disaster

  1. Somehow I just KNEW the interesting recipe you’d create would have a dead possum in it – as well as a lot of other random weirdness but hey – that’s what the contest was all about right? The post will be up for any of your followers to follow (?) starting tomorrow morning (Wednesday in case some of you don’t know what day, month or even year it is) at 3AM EST. I’m sure Snuggle Bear will appreciate your vote!

    Pam and Teddy

    • Ha! With the viewership my last few SCT episodes have gotten, I might be able to get two or three of my fans to go vote for Chef Snuggie’s secret recipe! Thanks for giving me an idea since I’ve been kinda starved for them lately…. well, not quite starved enough to eat THAT garbage!

      • It is a disgusting roundup of food items isn’t it? Has possibilities though – maybe once a month when we normally do Chef Teddy’s BACON day. LOL Good luck in the contest………. 🙂

  2. hahaha we picked the same menu like you… and I’m afraid for the mama this is a normal recipe she will note in her book…

  3. Clowie says:

    And my biped thought my recipe was disgusting! 😀

  4. Must say this is a totally new recipe, you didn’t copy it, go sure.

  5. crimsonowl63 says:

    I voted. For you of course. Loved the post as usual.

  6. I voted for this brilliantly disgusting dish. All I can think of is it must smell like possum farts.

  7. Quirky Girl says:

    Eek! Suddenly, I’m no longer hungry. But hey, nice apron, Snuggle!

  8. Eek…where’s the Pepto?

  9. Ladybuggz says:

    You had me drooling up until Rainy came into the picture! lol.. Love the Apron! ❤

  10. Darn it, the poll has closed, otherwise I would have voted for you.

    I think I’m glad we’re going to get fish & chips for supper tonight!

    • I fell two votes short, so one more would’ve still made me a loser. I’m sure Chef Snuggie has an excellent recipe for fish and chips that somehow works possum meat into it…

  11. Trisha says:

    Well, I guess I should have expected something that disgusting to come from Chef Snuggle Bear’s kitchen! My favorite scene was when he threw his Blow the Chef apron in the corner and Fleabag started humping it. 😂 What on earth is the thing you used for the piece of cake prop? Sorry I was too late to vote.

    • I have no idea what that food actually is in the photo… it was one of the three we could choose from in the contest (I think almost everyone picked it because it looks so weird and gross). Whatever it is, it can’t possibly taste worse than a dish with dead possum, bear snot, skunk spray, Troll vomit, and “secret bimbocorn sauce” in it, can it?

      • Trisha says:

        Oh, I see. I thought it was a prop you had around the Nest and I couldn’t figure out what it could possibly be. No, you’re absolutely right. Whatever it is, it’s got to be less toxic than Uncle Snuggie’s dish!

  12. draliman says:

    If only I could make something that nutritious. Well done, Snuggle!

  13. I’m glad I already ate. If I hadn’t, this would have finished me off.

  14. Looks like one of my recent creations. I should have asked Snuggle to bake for our church yard sale. On second thought, my burnt offerings were probably sufficient. Mmmm….yummy!

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