Net Brutality

SNUGGLE: And so this lady freaks out because I’m in her laundry basket sniffing all the panties, and I tell her…. “Hey, I’m just doing quality control work here!  And I’ll see if I can spot you a few coupons for that Massengill you obviously need.”

CHIP: TMI, Snuggle Bear!

SNUGGLE: It’s an occupational hazard of my job, dude!

FUZZYWIG: I don’t even think you have a job.  You’re just a creep who likes to fondle other people’s laundry.

SNUGGLE: So what if it’s just a hobby?  It’s not like….

Guess who makes a sudden appearance?

SHADOW: Greetings, critters!

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I’m trying to tell some nasty stories here!

CHIP: What are you doing here?  It can’t be Contest of Whatever time already.

SHADOW: As always, I am here on very important business.  I have vital information that our readers must know about!

FUZZYWIG: What can possibly be more important than Uncle Snuggie’s creepy tales?

SHADOW: Ladies and gentlemen out there on the internet, please be advised…..

SNUGGLE: You interrupted our bromancing for this legalese garbage?

CHIP: This really is unnecessary.

SHADOW: Not anymore it isn’t.  The European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation (hereafter referred to as GDPR) is now in full effect, and this blog needs to be in compliance, or else…

FUZZYWIG: Or else what?  The Mounties come and arrest us?

CHIP: I don’t think the Mounties are a part of the EU, Fuzzy.

SHADOW: Or else…………. well, there will be DIRE CONSEQUENCES!  So I hear.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  What idiot doesn’t already know that most websites use tracking cookies?

FUZZYWIG: Actually…

FUZZYWIG: We use crackers on The Shelf.  You have to go to the dark side if you want cookies.

ZEEBA: I got elephantback rides!

BEARCAT: (Talking with her mouth full of animal crackers) Shlly Zheba…

SHADOW: Are those tracking crackers naive internet users need to be warned about?

FUZZYWIG: No dude.  These are just munchies we keep around for….. you know.

CHIP: Now that you’ve totally ruined this week’s pathetic story line with this annoying pop up, would you mind deleting yourself from our scene?

SHADOW: Very well, my work here is done!  But just remember there are many other dangers in your journey on the internet that are not as transparent…

SNUGGLE: Well dammit!  He’s gone, but he left this stupid window behind!

CHIP: Should we just click and accept it?

FUZZYWIG: I’ve got a better idea.

Fuzzywig pushes the “X” and the obnoxious GDPR notice closes.

SNUGGLE: There!  Now back to my story about inspecting the laundry for the Girl Scouts…

CHIP: You know…. Shadow’s right about the internet being full of hidden dangers that we aren’t properly warned about.  Maybe we should activate the Shelf’s firewall.

FUZZYWIG: There isn’t a virus or trojan in cyberspace that’s going to make it alive through that firewall.

SNUGGLE: (Snickering) Dude!  You said Trojan!

RAINY: Now who’s going to pay for this firewall?

FUZZYWIG: Mexico?

CHIP: Don’t look now, but our firewall is apparently vulnerable to possumware.

BUSTER: Hello everybody!

FUZZYWIG: Do we know you?

BUSTER: Everyone knows who I am!  I’m clickbait!

SNUGGLE: Woah!  Is that anything like jailbait?

BUSTER: No!  Clickbait is a link to a sketchy article that’s made up to look so sensational, you’ll be tempted to click on it!  Let me show you my finest work…

FUZZYWIG: 69% off on chileh?  Hmmmm, I do need to see what this is all about…

RAINY: Don’t do it!  It probably leads to a website for betting on thoroughbred unicorns!

ROBOFOX: ALERT!!! VIRUS DETECTED!!!  MUST DISASSEMBLE CLICKBAIT!

CHIP: (Looking upon Buster’s ashes) I guess it’s a good thing we switched to Firefox.

SNUGGLE: I knew that was too good to be true!  But at least every critter really does hate him!

TROLL: Speak for yourself, Pedobear!

RAINY: Who do you think you are just rudely butting in to our…?

TROLL: What, are you a moron whose brain was fried by those unhealthy childhood vaccinations?  I’m an internet troll!  And that rain gauge makes you look FAT!

RAINY: Why you….

TROLL: Oh, and look at the assface with the weed.  Go smoke your dope on some other blog, you hippie!

CHIP: Where is our moderator to ban you from our story?

TROLL: Go ahead and try and ban me…. I’ll come back as a different critter and make your lives even more miserable!  Oh look!  Cookies!

ZEEBA: Those are crackers you dumbass!

BEARCAT: Now sis!  Don’t feed the internet troll!

TROLL: Too late (munch munch)… I’ll just eat all of these for myself if you don’t mind.

FUZZYWIG: Go ahead.  They expired four years ago.

CHIP: I’m beginning to see now why the internet needs many more warning…

SNUGGLE: Da……… fuq!?!?!?

FLEABAG: BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK! NYAN! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: If it isn’t 4:20 right now, the clock ain’t right.

TROLL: Hey kiddies, look at the gay dog!  I’ll bet he humps his own mother!

CHIP: I think I’ve had about enough internet for today.  Maybe we should end this….. oh no, not another one!

RAINY: Nasty preverted pop up ads!

FUZZYWIG: I’ll bet malware isn’t the only kind of viruses she has.

ZEEBA: Trollback rides!

CHIP: I better hurry up and click the X on this one before it infects…

SNUGGLE: No, wait dude!  Hot singles near me?  Fuck yeah I’m in on that!  That hot piece of horny meat is 6.9 miles away from here and I’m going to play with her tonight!

Snuggle Bear clicks on the ad.

And guess what…..

BIG SCRAT: So the bear’s interested in HOT and HORNY singles like me, huh?

SNUGGLE: No way, dude!!!  This was a bait and switch!!!  I want to speak to the Attorney General!!!

ATTORNEY GENERAL FOX: …………………………

BIG SCRAT: Why would you want a playmate who’s a whole 6.9 miles away, when I’m a mere 12 inches and growing from you?

Humpity hump hump….

SNUGGLE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!  The European Union didn’t say anything like this was going to happen to meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

BEARCAT: Don’t look Zeeba!

TROLL: Do your parents know you have flings with other men like this?  (Gets out his cellphone camera) They will when I send this photo to their Facebook page!

RAINY: I’m so glad I have dial up and pornography like this never has time to load.

Four hours later…

SNUGGLE: Does anyone got some Preparation H?

CHIP: I guess that will teach you to not to check out adult clickbait.

SNUGGLE: 6.9 miles….. I know she’s out there!  I wonder if I could crawl that far….

SHADOW: So…… have we learned our lesson about why we need detailed disclaimers when we travel online?

FUZZYWIG: Notification of cookies has nothing to do with the shady side of the web, dude.

RAINY: It’s nothing but a misguided scheme to annoy internet users, that’s all!

TROLL: You know who would have had the GDPR law in their time?  Hitler, that’s who!

CHIP: Speak of the devil…

UNCLE SAM: What is this nonsense you’re forcing the websites of this great Shelf to display that some foreign socialist shithole shelf decided to impose upon us?

SHADOW: Mr. President, the European Union has every right to ensure that the internet users of its member shelves know when foreign websites are leaving digital tracking information on their computers and have the right to…

UNCLE SAM: (Cutting off the long winded speech) Let me make this perfectly clear, you invading scumbag!  The Shelf doesn’t recognize the authority of any sovereign shelves other than our own… and you can take this dotarded disclaimer you want us to display for your idiotic critters and stick it up your USB outlet!  No wonder the United Shelfdom wants out… and now, we shall prepare for SHELFXIT!  Begone!

The insulted foreign ambassador disappears in a huff.

CHIP: Well done, Mr. President!

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I might even have to vote for you next time!

TROLL: That oughta get your approval rating up from 0 percent to 0.01!

UNCLE SAM: Today, we have taken back the internet for the great critters of our Shelf!

The crowd cheers

UNCLE SAM: And today, we will abolish net neutrality so my cronies and myself can dictate what you all are allowed to see!

The crowd doesn’t cheer.

UNCLE SAM: Now this oughta get me that Nobel Peace Pipe!

FUZZYWIG: Is there any way to shut this clown up?

BEARCAT: Go for it, Sis!

ZEEBA: Presidentback rides!

Zeeba clicks the X and makes the reviled leader disappear.

ZEEBA: I fall down and cracked my ass!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Net Brutality

  1. What a clever take on this whole pesky issue. Bravo! I’ve had to click on the 8700 websites I normally visit just to get to the fun stuff.

    • Just when it doesn’t seem like there’s another way for TPTB to annoy bloggers, this crap starts up. Disclaimers for COOKIES! It’s the internet’s version of those stupid warning labels on products that only a moron would need…

  2. love it!!!!!!! …and I guessed it… all that rules and all that annoying stuff comes from the dark side… the dark side has always cookies right?

  3. So that “close and accept” thing is about COOKIES? I use cookies? I thought cookies were all about dawgz. Who knew? Ignorance IS bliss.

    • Yes, the EU thinks internet users should know that websites use (gasp!) TRACKING COOKIES that will infest your computer with………. well, tracking cookies. As for me, I kinda like it that I never have to log on to my WordPress account because the tracking cookies do their job…

  4. You hit to the nerve again, cookies, click here and there, add this, and so on and suddenly nothing works, even though having a bottle of vodka.

    • I have an ad blocker to keep the annoying ads from coming up… but nothing seems to work on the stupid cookie tracking notifications WordPress is forcing on blogs. This EU seems to be out to ruin the internet even more than the Russian hackers…

  5. Merbear74 says:

    This is pure fucking genius…

  6. I was waiting for someone to adequately explain all this cookie crap and by jove, you’ve done it! I happen to like cookies – chocolate chip ones……does the King of the Net accept requests for specific types of cookies I wonder????????

    Pam

  7. draliman says:

    Funnily enough, the cookie warning has been required on UK websites for a couple of years now. But enough about that, I want to hear more about the cut-price chilleh….

    • I’ve seen it on a few other blogs based in Europe, but over the past week WordPress has been warning us that we need to add the disclaimer to all blogs to be compliant with the law or else……… or else what? Please. I have no malicious content here anyway……. well, other than the occasional clip of Alyans concerts.

      • draliman says:

        Or else what indeed? What are they going to do, send you a fine for 4 million Euros?
        I hope Alyans remembered to put a cookie warning on their website.

  8. Trisha says:

    All the annoying internet thingys are more fun on the Shelf! Well, except for Scrat showing up. I have pop-up blockers and I refuse to use websites that require me to disable my pop-up blockers but I still don’t like the idea of Scrat showing up were I to accidentally to click on something unsavory that popped up right as I was clicking on something else!

    I suppose WWIII will be over the internet. There’s no way TPTB will leave that alone. Pretty soon you’ll be getting threatening messages from the EU, as well as Antifa for your fascist content!

    • OMG! Antifa! You made my day with the reference to the old spam post of mine! Yes, if stupid crap like the EU regulations keeps popping up and pissing internet users off, it will be all out hacking attacks on everyone! We’ll have to send in a stealth Scrat attack! Better yet, let’s send a fake Mitzi pop-up to Kim Jong and see what happens…

      • Trisha says:

        Something about the EU butting in to our blogging business reminded me of your spam threats from Antifa. I don’t know why, but I found that so hilarious! 😂 I wish we really could send Rainy through the inter webs to take care of any EU busy body who has nothing better to do than check to see if bloggers have the cookie warnings up. And lots of bad-behaving people could use a scare from old Scrat!

  9. Ladybuggz says:

    Scary thing is I once invited a person into my house and my Roomate caught him in the laundry room actually sniffing our underwear…Really Man! Yikes! So this post has given me PTS !! Thanks!

  10. Yeah, it’s been rather annoying. But I’ve been seeing popups on everyone’s site anyway, so I reckon WP has been doing it all on its own for us.

    Part of the theory is to try to get rid of spam emails and stuffs, but I have a feeling that we’ll see a reduction in the suspect tinned pig product for less than half the time that Betamax survived against VHS…

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