CHIP: Good evening all of you critters out there in TV land who couldn’t find a better show to watch… welcome to Night 69 of everyone’s next to last favorite game show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! Sitting in the hot seat today hoping to win a huge chunk of the network’s skinflint budget is someone we found hiding in the laundry hamper outside of Vanna White’s dressing room, Snuggle Bear. Welcome to the show, Snuggle!
SNUGGLE: What’s up, Chip? Great to be here! But tell me…. why is the hot seat actually a toilet?
CHIP: I guess the janitorial staff got tired of cleaning off the chair each time a contestant had to make a really gutsy decision.
SNUGGLE: I’mma call it the Hot Pot then.
CHIP: Whatever floats your boat, man. And please only use one square of TP at a time… that comes out of the show’s budget for writers who plagiarize questions from Jeopardy. Now, let’s meet your companion in the audience you have rooting you on today…
BIG SCRAT: Hey there, Chip!
ZEEBA: I got ponyback rides!
SNUGGLE: Wait a minute!!!! That’s not my companion! I brought Fuzzywig along as my guest, and…
BIG SCRAT: You mean the raccoon who’s been wandering around dazed and confused backstage? He wound up stumbling onto the set of America’s Got No Talent and is in the semifinals right now…. so I agreed to take his place and cheer on my favorite teddy bear!
CHIP: Well, isn’t that just touching…
SNUGGLE: That ain’t my kind of touching, dude! How am I supposed to concentrate on winning any money with HIM lurking over my shoulder?
CHIP: Well, that’s not my problem. Now, let’s get this game started. Remember, you have three lifelines at your disposal should you need help during the game. You can poll the audience full of critters who are on a field trip for their remedial basketweaving class. You can phone a friend, assuming a creepy prevert like you even has any friends. And you can use the 50/50 to narrow down the possible choices. So, are you ready Snuggle Bear?
SNUGGLE: Damn straight, Chip!
CHIP: Let’s play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire then! OK, here’s your first question for one million dollars…
SNUGGLE: Wait! Why are we starting with the million dollar question?
CHIP: Because we want to keep this episode under 2,000 words so maybe a few people will actually read it. The best way to do that is just cut to the chase and only ask one question. And here it is…
SNUGGLE: Dafuq is this shit?
CHIP: Seems like a very straightforward question to me.
SNUGGLE: I know a fox doesn’t moo. Cows moo. Those are the kind of things you learn when you have an udder fetish.
CHIP: I don’t think anyone watching this show really wanted to know that.
SNUGGLE: Well, since this is the only question I have to answer, I guess I might as well use one of those cheat codes. Let’s ask the audience!
AJ: So, you’re perty smart, Sugarcube. What do you think the answer is?
TWILIGHT: I think it’s C, but it could also be D…
TROLL: Pssst! Hey ladies! Vote for A!
TWILIGHT: It’s not “moo” silly! Besides, he already knows it isn’t…
TROLL: Yeah! That’s why we should all vote for A! It’ll be a blast! Trust me!
AJ: Should we do it, Sugarcube?
CHIP: OK, let’s see the results of the audience poll…..
SNUGGLE: Seriously!?!? What is this, lobotomy patient night in the audience?
CHIP: Well, the audience has spoken and 80% of them believe the answer is A.
SNUGGLE: Bullshit! The fox doesn’t moo! Everyone knows that! I guess since the audience doesn’t want to help me win some serious booze money, I’ll have to use the 50/50 as well to get this stupid question down to just two choices!
CHIP: OK, we can do that. May we apply the 50/50 please…
SNUGGLE: What kind of a con game is this!?!? It was supposed to leave me with just two choices… and it took the one away I already knew was wrong!!!
CHIP: Because of inflation, the 50/50 just isn’t as valuable as it used to be. I’m afraid it only takes away one choice now.
SNUGGLE: Two lifelines down, and I’m no better off than I was at the start! I knew it, this show is rigged!
CHIP: Now, let’s not be hasty and get ourselves slapped with a slander lawsuit from the network attorneys. You still have one lifeline remaining. Is there anyone you can call who would know this?
SNUGGLE: Foxes…. who would know about foxes? Oh, fuck yeah! Mitzi’s the finest fox I know! Call her up, dude! Her number’s on the stall in the men’s room if she ain’t on your speed dial…
Chip dials up Snuggle’s phone a slu… er, friend, Mitzi…
MITZI: Like, hi and stuff!
CHIP: Is this Mitzi? I’m Chip from Who Wants To Be A…
MITZI: OMGOMGOMG! Chippy Wippy! Like, can I totally have your autograph?
CHIP: No, I refuse to sign anymore of your body parts. Now we have your friend Snuggle Bear here, and he needs your help answering this million dollar question.
SNUGGLE: Yeah, baby! You can make me rich, and I’ll be sure you get a big, fat rock for the trouble!
MITZI: Oooooooh! Mitzi’s going to be someone’s Priceline! That, like, makes me feel so totally moisturized!
CHIP: OK Snuggle, you have thirty seconds to speak with Mitzi about this question, and they start NOW!
SNUGGLE: So, Mitz! What does the fox say?
MITZI: Like, can you repeat the question, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear? Mitzi just had an O moment and didn’t hear you.
SNUGGLE: The fox, Mitzi! What does the fox say!?!?
MITZI: Hmmmmmm…. every fox Mitzi’s ever, like, been with has just screamed Mitzi’s name over and over again! Is that totally one of the choices?
SNUGGLE: No it isn’t! There’s 13 seconds left! I need this answer!!!!
MITZI: Oh, like, duhsies! Mitzi’s totally got a foxy woxy keeping her company right now! I can, like, put him on the line and see what he says!
SNUGGLE: YES!!!!!!!!!!! Do it, Mitzi! Hurry!!!!!!
MITZI: ‘Kaysies! Here, little kyootie! Tell my friend, like, what you say!
MR. FOX: …………………………….
SNUGGLE: Is he on the line yet?
MR. FOX: ……………………………..
SNUGGLE: Hello!?!? Could you speak up please!?!?
MR. FOX: …………………………….
CHIP: I’m sorry, time’s up.
SNUGGLE: What did he say? What did the fox say!?!?
CHIP: That’s what we need to know, Snuggle Bear. Your lifelines are all gone now, so we need an answer. Either shit or get off the Hot Pot.
SNUGGLE: Oh, fuck it! It’s not like I’ve got anything to lose here. Might as well just take a guess. Let’s see…. eenie meeny miney moe, catch a possum by the toe… I’m gonna go with B. Quack!
CHIP: Sounds like the typical dumbass response I’d expect from you. Do you want to make that your final answer?
SNUGGLE: Yes, final answer!
CHIP: (Looks dumbfounded at his screen) Are you shitting me? It looks like you’re correct. You’ve just won a million dollars!!!
SNUGGLE: Woot! I did it!!! I’m rich!!! I can afford to buy a windowless limousine now to pick up little girls in! Dude, where is this confetti coming from? It fucking reeks!
CHIP: You don’t want to know…
SNUGGLE: Aw, who cares? Give me that jack my smart ass just won!
SNUGGLE: YES!!! One million smackeroos! Party’s at Snuggle Bear’s crib this weekend, dudes! And all the chicks are invited! I plan on making it do some serious raining!
SNUGGLE: Dude! You can print up your own money! This one’s mine! Get lost!
UNCLE SAM: I just conveniently happened to notice that you haven’t filed an income tax return since 1987, and those back taxes….
SNUGGLE: Hey man, I’ve been getting paid under the shelf for years! As far as you are concerned, I’ve never had any income!
SAM: Plus penalties… I would estimate that you owe us….
SAM: Well, it’s probably more than this…. but let’s just call it even. Your ass stays out of jail, and me and the First Critter will be enjoying a first class vacation in Costa Rica for a few weeks courtesy of your winnings here. I do so love these game shows where you can play along and win at home. Adios, loser!
SNUGGLE: What in the everloving fuck!?!?
CHIP: Looks like you’ll be leaving with nothing today, Snuggle Bear. The government has even confiscated your Turtle Wax and copy of the home game we give out as parting gifts.
SNUGGLE: All that brainpower for nothing! Five and a half years of public education down the shitter! I just got bent over and didn’t even get a reach around!
BIG SCRAT: Oh, I can fix that, buddy old pal!
SNUGGLE: NOOOOOOO! I just landed on a Whammy!
BIG SCRAT: There will be plenty of whammy and slammy and bammy once we get backstage! I’d hate to see you leave empty handed… or with anything else empty!
Big Scrat drags the unlucky Snuggle Bear back to the contestant dressing rooms to play the Love Connection…
CHIP: Well, I guess that wraps up another fucked up edition of Who Wants To Be A…
FUZZYWIG: Excuse me, I’m not late for the taping, am I?
CHIP: I’m afraid your companion has already won and lost it all, and is currently getting his assets liquidated backstage. Maybe if you wouldn’t have been stoned…
FUZZYWIG: Maybe if they wouldn’t schedule anything important like this to begin at 4:20. Eh, c’est la vie. I’m kinda hungry, though… you got any munchies around this joint?
CHIP: All that’s left is the continental breakfast we put out in the green room this morning…
CHIP:Leftovers from the Survivor: The Shelf taping.
FUZZYWIG: Lovely. Can we vote the possum off the Shelf first?