Meet Ricky. Ricky’s appearances in Shelf Critter Theatre are largely limited to this stock photo being reused each time the script calls for a praying raccoon. As you can imagine, that’s not very often…
RICKY: It’s nowhere near enough given all of the sinful and blasphemous things that occur in the making of these unholy productions! I should really have a larger role in the cast given my unique talents and exquisite profile. But my agent sucks and I don’t know what else to do to get my shelf critter union card…
Maybe….. I dunno….. you should try praying for more roles?
RICKY: Excellent idea, Mr. Omniscient Narrator! I shall begin praying posthaste!
Ummmm, whatever that means, sure. While god doesn’t have time to answer most silly prayers, apparently he had time for Ricky’s request, because….
EVIL SQUIRREL: I have heard your prayers, Ricky, my son.
RICKY: Huh? Who are you?
ES: I’m GOD, dipshit!
RICKY: You don’t look like the god I pray to!
ES: Yeah, well Morgan Freeman has better things to do right now, so you’re stuck with me. And I am your god since I control the shelf critters! And just what makes you think I should give you more roles in my divine creations?
RICKY: I know I can be a successful shelf critter, lord! Please, I’m begging you…
ES: And just what acting experience do you have?
RICKY: Well…. I was a donkey in my grade school Nativity play. The back end of one, anyway…
ES: So you were the ass end of an ass and you think that qualifies you to be a shelf critter!?!? I should sentence you to The Bad Place right now just for having the gall to ask such an indulgence from your all glorious master!
RICKY: The Bad Place!?!? No!!! Not….. not…..
ES: The Goodwill store! That’s where you’ll be rotting for all eternity if I don’t find you to be worthy of shelf critterdom! In a rare showing of mercy, I’ll give you a chance to prove yourself to me!
RICKY: Anything, my lord! I can do it!
ES: Today you will encounter circumstances involving each of the seven deadly sins! If you can show me your ability to act properly under such temptation, I just may be willing to grant your request.
RICKY: Yes, my lord! Temptation is not a problem for me! I will earn your respect!
ES: You better, Ricky! Or you’ll be riding the trash compactor truck down to The Bad Place!!!
With a few flashes of lightning and a hint of sulphur, Evil Squirrel disappears leaving Ricky to navigate the sinful waters of The Shelf on his own…
RICKY: Alrighty, I just need to be on my best behavior for the remainder of this episode. That shouldn’t be too hard… I’ve never done anything bad before. Then again, I’ve never been among the real critters….
SNUGGLE: Hey, Jesus freak! Check this out!
SNUGGLE: I just got the brand spanking new Crapple yPhone 69! Man, you won’t believe all the shit this thing can do…. a 1.21 gigawatt processor, a camera that can zoom in on the craters of the moon, millions of useless apps, and it’s guaranteed not to be obsolete for the next three days! Totally worth $15,000 and waiting in line for six months!
RICKY: That’s nice… but I already have an adequate cellphone.
SNUGGLE: Dude! That piece of ancient shit ain’t got nothing on this baby! I’ll bet you wish you had your own yPhone 69 instead of that dressed up rotary phone.
RICKY: I…… um…… no, I’m not ENVIOUS at all of your material possessions. I’m good, thanks.
SNUGGLE: Whatever, dude. Tell ya what, though, how about a selfie with this amazing piece of machinery? And assuming you can even get Twitbook on your phone, I’ll send it to ya later! Smile and say “LOSER!”
The humbled, but still pious Ricky manages to hold his head up as Snuggle Bear skips off with his new toy.
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Uncle Ricky! Uncle Ricky!!!
RICKY: I don’t recall being the uncle to any heathens.
CHILD 1: We’re not heathens anymore!
CHILD 2: That’s right! We’ve been going to Friday School!
CHILD 3: Yeah! And we aced the final exam for vacation bible school!
CHILD 4: With a C-plus!
LITTLEST: (Waving a paper in Ricky’s face) Lookie!!!!!!!
RICKY: That’s wonderful, boys. I’m happy that you are seeing the light. And even more pleased that you aren’t tempting me with another deadly…
CHILDREN: Aren’t you PROUD of us, Uncle Ricky!?!?
RICKY: I’m….. wait a minute, did you say……? Errrrr……
RICKY: NO! I am NOT proud of your accomplishment.
CHILDREN: (Fighting back tears) Uncle Ricky!?!?
RICKY: I am not a prideful critter. I… I’m sorry, will you please go away now.
LITTLEST: Mommy was right. You are a jackass!
CHILD 1: Come on, brothers. Let’s go draw boobs on the Virgin Mary statue!
RICKY: (Sigh) Who knew being so good could feel so bad. At least I will earn my shelf critter salvation yet….. oh my word!
RICKY: Oh no! I’ll go fetch a fire extinguisher immediately!
RAINY: Like hell you will! I’m making a live sacrifice to the rain gods in hopes of a monsoon!
RICKY: Ma’am, I’m sure it’s morally acceptable to burn a possum alive… but you can’t be going around worshiping false gods! You’ll go to a place where it never rains!
RAINY: You mean like this god forsaken Shelf!?!?
RAINY: I don’t take kindly to busycritters like yourself butting into my private affairs! I think you need a little Baptism by skunk!
RAINY: Now what do you think about that, Mr. Holypants?
Ricky takes a few deep breaths, never a good idea after being sprayed by a skunk, and tries to keep his WRATH in check…
RICKY: I must do what is right and merely turn the other cheek.
RAINY: Fine. You could use some work on that side as well!
After dealing the righteous raccoon a double dose of her heavenly gift, Rainy stomps off with her perpetually empty rain gauge and leaves Ricky to ponder why he didn’t just run off with the circus.
RICKY: Must stay even tempered… Must stay calm… Must stay…..
RICKY: Yes, mellow. Thank you, O wise critter.
FUZZYWIG: You look like you could use a little help to stay mellow, fellow. Here, take a toke of this incense…
RICKY: Hey, I am feeling much more relaxed. What is this strange herb?
FUZZYWIG: I call it The Good Stuff, but you may call her Mary Jane. A few more hits of this, and you won’t feel like doing nothing all day and all night….
RICKY: That sounds so…….wait a minute!!!! (Spits out the pipe and tries to perform a Clintonesque un-inhaling). You’re trying to lead me down the road to SLOTH!
FUZZYWIG: Hey you guys! Lazy is the only way to roll, man!
RICKY: I’m pretty sure just consuming this devil’s weed is a sin! Let me consult my pocket King Elvis version of the Bible… I think there’s a passage in Corinthians…
FUZZYWIG: I prefer to live my life by Jamaicans 4:20. Puff, puff, pass, and don’t bogart the paper, mon!
Ricky gives the pipe back to Fuzzy and turns away from the funny smelling smoke.
FUZZYWIG: Your loss, man! When legalization reaches Heaven, you’re gonna wish you partook in God’s plant!
Ricky gets away from his stoner cousin as fast as he can…
RICKY: I’m going to be a nervous wreck by the time this day is over with… and I only pray that isn’t a sin as well. (Holding stomach) Oh dear, I’ve suddenly gotten such an appetite. What could have possibly given me the munchies like this? I need….
HUNG LO: Welcome to Hung Lo’s Almost All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet!
HUNG LO: You look like you are absolutely famished, my child! Lucky for you, Hung Lo has special today… all the fortune cookies you can eat for just 99 cents! Go ahead and dig in!
RICKY: Thank you, but I’ll only take one please….
HUNG LO: Nobody can eat only one of Hung Lo’s special homemade fortune cookies! That’s not how the “all you can eat” concept works, young critter!
RICKY: But I…
HUNG LO: Look at these tasty….. yummy….. scrumptious fortune cookies! Don’t you just want to devour every one of them?
RICKY: (Stomach starts rumbling fiercely) I….. (salivating) I need….. (paws start to reach for the five pound container)….. NO!!!! I am not a GLUTTON!!! I can not in good conscience eat all that I can eat! I will only take one…
HUNG LO: (Slapping Ricky’s paw, making him drop the fortune cookie) You will have ALL or NONE! Begone if you do not wish to indulge in my wares the proper way!
And so Ricky leaves empty handed and empty innarded…
RICKY: Surviving temptation on the Shelf is much harder than I thought. But I’ve come this far without breaking, and I will maintain my clean slate even if I stumble upon something that is truly outrageous….
TINA: So, whaddaya say, Santa? Think my wish list is a bit too modest, or should I make it even longer?
SANTA: This list will keep the furnace in my cabin burning all winter long, I imagine. So much cheaper than natural gas…
RICKY: What is going on here? It’s not the holy season yet!
SANTA: Haven’t you ever heard of Christmas in July, you putz?
TINA: Yeah, really! You should sit on Santa’s lap and tell him everything you want under your tree!
RICKY: But I…
SANTA: (Patting his thigh) Come on, I’ve handled bigger kids than you before…
SANTA: Now tell Santa what you want for Christmas.
RICKY: I want….. well….. just world peace.
SANTA: World fucking peace!!! You don’t look like a Miss America contestant to me. In fact, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t rock a bikini.
TINA: That’s a dumb wish! You can’t play with world peace! You need to ask for EVERYTHING!
RICKY: No!!! I can’t do that!!! I’m not GREEDY!!!
SANTA: Well, you just ain’t getting nothing for Christmas then!
Santa plants his big boot in Ricky’s ass and kicks him halfway across the stage…
RICKY: Lord, I know you’re watching me now. And I hope you’ve realized by now just how wholesome I really am! My willpower has allowed me to dodge every nasty temptation that has been thrown my way today. I’ve escaped envy, pride, wrath, sloth, gluttony and now greed! There isn’t a single deadly sin I’ve succumbed to on this pilgrimage…
Looks like someone can’t count to seven.
RICKY: Personal space! I need my personal…
MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMG!!! You are so kyoooooooot!!!! Wanna do it?
RICKY: Wanna do…. what?
MITZI: You know! Like, the wild thang!
RICKY: The wild…..?? Oh no!!! You must be……. LUST!!!!
Mitzi smiles and licks her puffed up lips.
RICKY: Nononono!!! I can’t do that!!! I mean…. I’ve never….. I don’t even think I can….
Mitzi puts her soft hoof just where you’d expect she would…
MITZI: Ooooooh! Lookie there! I just, like, totally made Lazarus rise back from the dead!
RICKY: As Shadow would say, I’m getting an uncomfortable feeling inside of my Pokeballs, and I’m afraid I like it entirely too much.
MITZI: Yaysies! Mitzi just gave you a happy! Now let Mitzi give you, like, an oral history of her bible, the Kama Sutra!
It’s now or never, Ricky. Will our hero maintain his purity in the face of the Shelf’s most irresistible temptation…?
You’re a special breed, Ricky….
MITZI: Darnsies! I, like, missed my popsicle!
Ricky runs as far away as he can from the shelf of sin. It’s time for him to meet his maker…
RICKY: I did it, my lord! I met the temptation of each sin head on and never strayed from the path of holiness!
ES: I did manage to notice that in between games of Acorn Crush.
RICKY: So, lord, I hope I have proven myself worthy of being a full fledged shelf critter now!
ES: Ricky. After a legendary performance like that, there’s only one possible response I can give you…….. FUCK NO!!!!!!!!!!
RICKY: But…. my lord!
ES: You want to be a shelf critter, and yet when given seven chances to commit nasty sins, you can’t get over your self righteousness to enjoy even one!?!?!? Dude, do you even read my Shelf Critter Theatre stories!?!?
RICKY: You mean I…… you wanted me to….. sin!?!?
ES: You are a failure and an embarrassment to my beloved Shelf, Ricky! I should put a 59¢ sticker on your head and send you straight down to Goodwill to sit on a dirty shelf next to the broken lava lamps and some grandma’s old dildo!!!
RICKY: (Defeated, but still a good boy) So be it, my lord.
ES: But no… I’ve got something better for your punishment. And it might even help to clear some of those goody two shoes thoughts out of your pathetic head…
RICKY: Am I doing this right? I’ve never cleaned something as dirty as a commode before.
TROLL: Just scrub a little harder, and don’t forget to use your hands to grab the clingons under the rim! You should be thrilled! Not everyone gets the honor of cleaning out the executive washrooms at The Nest! Cleanliness is next to godliness!
RICKY: Shut the fuck up, Trollface.