We Want The Punk

Looks like the world fell into chaos without its weekly Retro Ad Tuesday.

In today’s digital world, you’re never more than a click, a tap, or an another obnoxious request to Alexa away from your favorite music.  It doesn’t matter whether you like 70’s classic rock, 90’s angsty chick alternative, or music that sounds like it would be playing in Liberace’s bathroom… you can find what you like and play it as often as you wish without having to worry about the vinyl scratching.  It’s just one of the many technological innovations of the 21st century that have already made our late 20th century way of living as obsolete as a rotary payphone…

What? You mean Ghostbusters has a Facebook page now?

Before there were Napster, iTunes and YouTube… if you wanted to listen to all of your favorite hits from a certain genre, you either had to hope you lived within range of a really specific radio station that shared the same love you had for disco, or you had to have a music collection so large that it would take up valuable closet space that could better be served hiding dead bodies.  Even making a mix tape was a pain in the earbud given that it required pushing about five buttons simultaneously on your 98 pound boombox and hoping that the loudmouthed DJ would eventually shut the fuck up and stop ruining your recording…

Hey man, I can talk all I want during the musical intro…. which means I don’t have to shut up when I play “Frankenstein,” dude!

Thankfully, the 80’s and 90’s were the golden age of compilation albums… containing all of the essential hits (plus 21 more great songs!) you could fit on three records or two cassette tapes.  And the genres that got the best-of treatment were practically limitless!  It seemed every decade, every style, every possible niche could be at your doorstep C.O.D. in just ten business days.  Even punk!

Fuckin’ A, man.

Yes, the hardcore, anti-commercial noise that was punk was collected and made available to the balding mohawked public to help them relive those days of slamdancing and painting anarchy A’s on the backs of police cars.  Some music clearinghouse named Westwood Promotions issued a two-cassette, two- CD compilation in the early 90’s elegantly titled “Punk.”  They put so much effort into making the CD cover and the actors in the commercial look so badass, that they forgot one tiny, small, insignificant detail.  And if you can’t spot it within the first ten seconds of this absolutely insane retro ad, then you are either tone deaf or probably think Benny Goodman is too loud for your delicate ears…

‘Punk” doesn’t contain any selections from The Clash.  The Sex Pistols will be collecting no royalties from Westwood Promotions.  The Ramones apparently got overlooked while this travesty of a compilation album was being put together.  But that’s OK, because you can totally raise your fists and bang your heads to truly hardcore punk acts like Toni Basil and Crowded House!  The Fixx?  Oh yeah, that double X is so anti-establishment!  It’s always a crowd pleaser to watch INXS break all of their instruments after the show and get in a fight with security.  And if your eyes haven’t rolled all the way to the back of your head yet, then you won’t miss the inclusion of the king of punk rock who our two punk wannabes are sure to make special note of…

Hip to be square? Fuck that! We’re gonna tear some shit up!

As bizarre as the concept of some of these ubiquitous compilation albums may have been, at least most of the music that was included on them fit the niche category the album title suggested.  The gang of deaf mimes who work at Westwood Promotions decided to put together an album called “Punk,” and exactly zero of the 36 original songs it contains would qualify by anyone’s definition as punk!  This is as 80’s new wave album dressed up as a punk collection that is going to make some leather studded freaks very, VERY unhappy when they pop it in their Sid Vicious autographed CD player.

Dafuq? I can’t believe I shoplifted this piece of shit!

Oh geez… even Westwood Promotions’ idea of what a punk rocker should look like leaves one to wonder if their creative department actually consists of the janitor and his pet lemur.  These two clowns shooting this commercial from their parents’ basement look like they should be on their way to a Winger concert rather than an Iggy Pop show.  When I think of punk rock devotees, I envision shaved heads with mohawks and brightly hued hair that would make Rainbow Donkey jealous.  Not two Westwood Productions interns who picked up a crappy Halloween wig from the local costume shop.  Come to think of it, that guy looks an awful lot like the president of the 70’s Preservation Society… making him a serial offender when it comes to awful compilation music.

And he looks just as much like a punk rocker in this hideous outfit…

As the late, great George Carlin once noted… whoever coined the phrase “Let the buyer beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.  We can only imagine the type of hemorrhaging the staff at Westwood Productions had to endure when the gang of thirty-something punk fans stormed their headquarters in Colorado Springs after wasting their hard-earned unemployment checks on a falsely advertised new wave album.  But nevertheless, we here at The Nest give a middle finger salute to the makers of the “Punk” compilation album for their inspiring take on anarchy when it comes to categorizing music.  We may not get all that worked up into a rage when we hear the gritty voice of Boy George, but you can best believe we’ll be more than motivated to take down the establishment that allowed us to get so badly Punk’d…

One out of two Alyans fans recommend “Punk.”

 

Advertisements

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in TV Commercials and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to We Want The Punk

  1. ksbeth says:

    this is absolutely hilarious!

  2. my middlefinger joins yours, they totally punked the buyers :O))) but the most compilations were money wasters… I think I bought a gazillion of “Greatest Hits” packs and I’ve got always BS… normal people would stop to buy from tv after the third flop cd, but not me… I bought them all, yay!

  3. Hmmm, if that’s punk then I’m a fan but suspect most would-be buyers were punked by this FAKE NEWS. There’s nothing so low as a cover compilation by who-knows-who that it isn’t what it was advertised as. That’s just all kinds of wrong.

    • And Westwood Promotions wasn’t even smart enough to cleverly disguise the fact that it wasn’t a punk album. Even better… nobody was listening to 80’s music in the early 90’s, so I can only imagine how many of these CD’s and cassettes had to be bulldozed for a lack of gullible buyers…

  4. Wow. You just can’t make this stuff up. Huey Louis does punk. It looks like somebody needs a new drug in the marketing department. Or else someone was laughing all the way to the bank.

    This was fun. Thanks ES.

    • It didn’t occur to me until after I wrote this that Huey Lewis & his band can be seen near the beginning of the video for “Heart of Rock & Roll” looking on in horror and confusion at a punk concert. Yeah, that just wasn’t their style… but apparently they were still punk enough for this CD. I don’t remember this commercial from its time (I happened upon it by accident while looking for a different compilation album ad), but I can’t imagine it was popular. The early 90’s was kind of a rebellion AGAINST 80’s music, so even non-punk rockers probably didn’t buy it….

  5. Reblogged this on West Coast Review and commented:
    This is just too funny to keep to myself.

  6. Ally Bean says:

    I saw Huey Lewis in concert once at an outdoor venue. Who knew I went to a Punk concert? Thanks for setting me straight on this point.

    • Don’t thank me…. thank Westwood Promotions… because Huey Lewis’ godlike status among pink artists is something I just learned from that ad as well. I’m sure Huey would’ve worn his spiked collar more often if it didn’t clash with his smoking jacket…

  7. I’m not sure I even know what punk IS. Or, for that matter, the difference between country, bluegrass, and country-western. ButI’m a slow learner.

    • Even modern country sounds like a whole different thing than early country… which I guess is what everyone called country and western. Punk inspired a lot of things about the 80’s… particularly the fashion, but it wasn’t mainstream and was really only well known by its hardcore fans. And I’d doubt punk was a big thing in Israel back then, but who knows?

  8. draliman says:

    That guy with the green hair and tattoos is going to regret his life choices when he goes for that job at the bank.
    Hey, “obnoxious request to Alexa”? I’ll have you know Alexa is changing the world. Recent reports state that it’s making kids really rude as they end up snapping orders at humans as well.

    • I can only imagine the multitude of rude manners kids are picking up from the inhuman technology that is dominating their formative years. I guess I’ll have to get my bitchslapping hand into shape to take care of those whippersnappers in the future…

  9. This is so totally hilarious…..I bet if they could do this all over they wouldn’t at Westwood Productions. Punk? I’d say Junk was more appropo. Too bad the real punkers who thought they’d get all their fave head knockin’ songs on this tape blew the money to buy it instead of hair dye. Imagine how Huey Lewis felt when he learned he was a hunka punk!

    Pam

    • If this completely misleading music collection wasn’t a huge failure, I’ll never believe it. Of course, that may mean that anyone who actually has the “Punk” CD’s might have something valuable on their hands. After all, I’ll bet a can of New Coke would fetch a pretty penny today…

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s