Upon landing after the giant F69 tornado, Mitzi Gale and her dog Fleabag find themselves in a very strange land…
MITZI: This place is, like, totally weird puppy wuppy! But at least it has a nuthouse!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! CRITTERS WITHOUT HATS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: OMG Fleabag, you’re totally right! It does remind me of that!
Fleabag starts barking uncontrollably at…… well, starts barking even more uncontrollably than usual at something strange coming their way.
MITZI: Lolwhut? Like, dafuq and all that stuff!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BUBBLICIOUS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: Oh, I, like, totally know what that is now! It’s one of those exercise balls!
MITZI: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Look at me, like, totally get in shape girl! I wish I had my sex-ay pair of pink yogurt pants I wear to my pilots class!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! PONTIUS PILATES! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
Sounds of struggling can be heard from underneath Mitzi as her exercise ball suddenly pops and sends her plopping down on….
MITZI: Oopsy daisy!
SAGE: ARRRGHH!!! Get off of me at once, you hideous beast! What are these fake knockers made out of, titanium!?!?
Mitzi hoists herself up and frees the refugee from the bubble from her silicone prison.
MITZI: Oh Em Gee! Like, who are you!?!? And where did you come from!?!?
SAGE: I should be asking you the same thing… especially now that you’re going to pay for destroying my bubblemobile!
MITZI: Oopsies! Mitzi’s, like, totally sorry about that.
SAGE: So, I really need to know here. Are you a good bitch, or a bad bitch?
MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, not a beyotch at all! I’m totally a good girl!
SAGE: Yeah right. But your loose morals aside, the question still stands…. good bitch or a bad bitch?
MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, totally confuzzled here! I’m just a simple girl living a simple life on a farm on The Shelf!
SAGE: Come on! Even I’m a bitch. I’m Sage, the Good Bitch of the South, y’all.
MITZI: But I thought all bitches were mean and nasty and totally needed to be slapped by a pimp!
SAGE: Seriously? OK, something’s not right. The authorities dispatched me here because they said a bitch dropped a shelf on…
CAPER: I tried to warn you that the Mayor was probably loaded again when he called, but do you ever listen to your faithful assistant Caper? Nooooooo…..
SAGE: No, I don’t pay any attention to you, Whatsyourname, and for good reason. Now there should be a dead body around here somewhere….. ah yes, here it is!
MITZI: Oh noes! Did Mitzi, like, totally kill that critter? Orange, like, totally isn’t Mitzi’s color! I don’t wanna be prostituted to the fullest extent of the law!
SAGE: Calm down, strange traveler. I don’t think anyone’s going to be jailing you for killing this menace to the land of Blahs.
MITZI: Is that, like, a bitch too?
SAGE: Not a bitch, a bastard. The Evil Bastard of the East Northeast! You popped a shelf in his ass, and we’re all fucking excited about it!
Hootin’ and hollerin’ can be heard in the background.
MITZI: Like, what was that!?!?
SAGE: That would be the very grateful people of this town you just saved from the wrath of the Evil Bastard…. the buttmunchkins!
Numerous small critters come out from their hiding places to greet Mitzi and Fleabag.
MITZI: Holy poopoos!!! You’re all, like, so totally teensy weensy!
RANDOM BUTTMUNCHKIN: Don’t judge us!
MITZI: I wasn’t! I was just….
Fleabag seems intrigued by a particular green buttmunchkin…
BRIGHTBIRD: Go away! Can’t you see I have a giant brain tumor?
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! IT’S NOT A TOOMAH! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
RANDOM BUTTMUNCHKIN 2: So what did you come here for? Dwarf tossing? Maybe a hot midget bowling game?
MITZI: No! Mitzi wouldn’t…
UNCLE SAM: Enough, you fools! Is this any way to treat the brave hero who assassinated the Evil Bastard?
MITZI: Like, who are you?
SAM: I’m only the Mayor of Buttmunchkin Land. You may refer to me as Your Honor.
MITZI: But My Honor! You’re not little!
SAM: No, but I do have tiny hands, or so they tell me…
Mitzi turns and sees Fleabag humping his new little friend, and bonks him on the head with a hoof to keep from having to support any buttmunchpups.
ZAC: Sir! Sir! Your Honorable Sir! I’ve got good news! Yep! Good news! Totally good news!
SAM: What is it, humble servant?
ZAC: He’s dead, Jim! Dead dead dead! Deader than a doornail! A Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac! Ding dong the evil bastard’s dead!
MITZI: Oh, you must like, totally be the coronary!
ZAC: Yepyepyep!!! That’s me!!! Coronor Prozac B. Happie! I love dead people! Love em love em love em! Yep, cutting them open! Playing with their spleen! Sometimes I even find half digested food and it’s still yummy yummy yummy!!!
SAM: Ahem…. I think we should start the ceremony honoring Mitzi now. But first……..
SAM: We’ll sing the Buttmunchkin Land National Anthem… and if I see anyone on their knees, they’ll be getting deported on the next shelf to reality with these two foreigners…
SAM: Just kidding, toots. Alright everyone, let the celebration begin!
Two small girls approach Mitzi.
MITZI: Oh, you two look so totally kyooooot in your tootoos and legwarmers!!!!
BEARCAT: Me and my sister here are the Lullaby League!
ZEEBA: Yeah! Isn’t that neat, Mommy?
BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba! You can’t call Mommy “Mommy” while we’re doing this movie!
ZEEBA: Oh shit! Well, I better still be getting breastfed after this take.
MITZI: Like, get in line behind everyone else, little grrl…
BEARCAT: Oh, and we wish to welcome you to Buttmunchkin Land with this gift…
ZEEBA: It’s a dildo!
BEARCAT: Yeah, just in case the script doesn’t go according to plan, this will keep you company on your journey to the big city!
MITZI: Wow, like, thank you ballerinies! You give better gifts than my Auntie Ess! All I got was granny panties for Christmas!
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Our turn!!!!!!!!
MITZI: You kids sure are fugly!
CHILD 1: Thanks!
CHILD 2: We’re the Lollipop Guild!
CHILD 3: And we’d like to welcome you to Buttmunchkin Land too!
CHILD 4: Unfortunately, pipsqueak here ate the lollipop we were going to give you!
LITTLEST: Did NOT!!!
The Littlest tries to hide the evidence, but Fleabag assumes it’s a rawhide bone and takes it from him.
MITZI: I’ll bet you boys have something else Mitzi can suck on….
The children quickly hide their nuts…
CHILD 2: Uh oh! I think we need an adult!
LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy!
The squirrel kids do a lousy job of trying to dance a jig back into the crowd as the Buttmunchkins’ celebration of Mitzi’s “heroics” continues on…
MITZI: Wowzies! This is, like, totally the most attention Mitzi has ever gotten since my last mani/pedi!
SAGE: You’ve rid our land of a great evil and deserve to be honored like a VIP…. even if you say you aren’t a real bitch.
SAM: (Putting his phone back in his pocket after tweeting nonsense about how he made Buttmunchkin Land great again) Indeed. I’d like to give a long winded speech on this glorious occasion….
A cloud of green gas suddenly appears in the middle of the crowd, and the buttmunchkins all pass out from its fumes….
MITZI: Like, ummmmmmm……
SAGE: Shit’s about to get real now….
TO BE CONTINUED…