A rather pissed off looking skunkette emerged from the green cloud and icily stared at Mitzi Gale before turning her attention to body lying underneath the shelf…
MITZI: Uh ohs! Like, who is that?
SAGE: That’s the Wicked Bitch of the Wild Wild West. You might be in a little trouble here…
RAINY: Dumbass. I always figured a moron like you would find a stupid way to die.
After inspecting the fresh shelfkill, Rainy marches back up towards the crowd…
RAINY: Who killed my brother? Who killed the Evil Bastard of the East Northeast? (Looking directly at Mitzi) Was it YOU!?!?
MITZI: Me? Like, Mitzi would totally not even harm a fly! Even if I had a fly squatter!
SAGE: Leave the poor girl alone!
RAINY: You stay out of this, you goody two shoes slut! I know how many boys you’ve had in your bubble. (Turning back to Mitzi) I want to know, and I want to know RIGHT NOW why you murdered my brother!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I WANT A LAWYER! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: Honest! It was, like, a giant oopsie!!!
RAINY: A giant oopsie? Well, I’ll have you know dear that this wicked bitch has been known to cause a lot of giant oopsies herself. So you better watch….
SAGE: Aren’t you forgetting something, dear?
RAINY: You mean like buying a real witch’s hat so I don’t have to wear this hideous first grade art project on my head?
SAGE: Your brother’s brassiere, maybe….
RAINY: My brother’s what?
SAGE: You know…. what he used to magically control the weather.
RAINY: My brother used a bra to control the weather? Wait! That’s right! You’re talking about…..
SAGE: The booby grippers!
RAINY: I must have that! With the power of the booby grippers, I can make it rain every day throughout the entire land of Blahs! My gauge will never be empty again!!!
Rainy uses her rain gauge to prop up the shelf covering the Evil Bastard’s chest…
RAINY: I always knew you were a fruitcake, brother. Just because you were a FAT bastard doesn’t mean you needed over the shoulder boulder holders for your moobs. But now, I’ll take that top from you so I can….
But as Rainy reaches to grab her brother’s bra…
RAINY: What happened to my precious booby grippers!?!?!?
The rest of her brother’s body then magically retreats underneath the shelf for good…
RAINY: How did he do that!?!? That lazy ass couldn’t even walk! Hell, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen him move. Wait! My booby grippers! Where are my booby grippers!?!?!?
SAGE: Here they are, and here they’ll stay!
MITZI: Like, OMG! This is even better than a gift card to Victoria’s Principal!
RAINY: Give me back my booby grippers before you bust them out completely, you big titted bimbo!!!
SAGE: You can forget about it, pruneface! Mitzi killed the bastard, Mitzi gets the spoils!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FORTUNE SMILES UPON THE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
RAINY: I’m giving you one last chance to give me those booby grippers, you silicone heifer! You not only don’t know how to use them, but they look really tacky on you!
SAGE: Why don’t you go back to your nasty ass, dreary castle and sit on your rain gauge before someone drops a shelf on YOU!
Rainy looks up into the completely cloudless sky and groans…
RAINY: Very well. I’ll bide my time… whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Don’t think you’ve seen the last of the Wicked Bitch of the Wild Wild West, though. I’ll get you my little hussy!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! WOOOO-OOOOO, BITCHY WOMAN! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
RAINY: And your mangy mutt, too!!!
Rainy retreats to the stage’s hidden elevator and disappears in another puff of noxious green skunk spray…
SAGE: Well, it seems as if you’ve made quite an enemy out of the wicked bitch!
MITZI: Like, not me!!!! You’re the one who totally made her go grapeshit!
SAGE: Eh, that’s your problem toots. I’ve got more important good bitch things to do today, so if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking off…
MITZI: NO, wait!!! Mitzi, like, totally needs to get back home to the Shelf! I can’t stay here with a wicked bitch wanting to rip my bra off and expose my nipplies!
SAGE: No… I guess you can’t. Besides, I don’t need any competition around here raiding my little black book. I think the only person who can help you get back to wherever you came from is the all powerful Gizzard of Blahs!
MITZI: The Gizzard of…. wait! Like, what’s a gizzard?
SAGE: I think it’s some unidentifiable part of a chicken that’s used to make McNuggets.
MITZI: So I’m going to see a chicken nugget?
SAGE: No… we had to come up with something other than a wizard to title this fucked up story. Ozzy already stole Blizzard of Oz, and there isn’t a lizard in our troupe. So gizzard it was, and gizzard it is.
MITZI: Okie dokies, I guess. Is this gizzard, like, any good at magical stuff or is he just incontinent?
SAGE: Oh, he’s the best. He’s wonderful! He’s…
ZEEBA: He’s a con man!!!
BEARCAT: (Putting a paw over her sister’s mouth) Shhhhhhhh, silly Zeeba!!! Mommy isn’t supposed to find that out yet!
ZEEBA: It’s, like, true and shit!
MITZI: So, like, how do I find this gizzard?
SAGE: Well, he lives far away in the Cubic Zirconia City. Since GPS devices won’t be invented for another seven decades, I guess there’s only one way for you to get to the gizzard. You just have to follow the shit paper road!
MITZI: Follow the shit paper road?
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
Mitzi sets hoof on the road made out of toilet tissue and begins to meticulously follow where it leads. As she’s walking, random buttmunchkins take a quick huff from a helium tank to offer her some high pitched encouragement…
ZAC: Follow the shit paper road!
RANDOM CASTRATED BUTTMUNCHKIN: Follow the shit paper road!
LITTLEST: Follow the shit paper road! And I said that without helium!
BUSTER: Follow the shit pap….
Oops, that must have been the hydrogen tank, Buster. What a difference a proton makes…
Mitzi begins to skip down the shit paper road with Fleabag by her side as the buttmunchkins unexpectedly break out into a flash mob…
♪ ♫ Follow the shit paper road!
Follow the shit paper road!
Follow follow follow follow
Follow the shit paper road! ♪ ♫
ZEEBA: (Interrupting the fiddlers) I get bitchback rides!
♪ ♫ You’re off to see the gizzard!
The horrible Gizzard of Blahs!
Who truly is
A terrible Giz
If ever a Giz there was!
Oh if ever an assholish Giz there was
The Gizzard Of Blahs is one because
Because because because becauuuuuuuuse
Because of the terrible things he does!
You’re off to see the gizzard!
The horrible Gizzard of Blahs! ♪ ♫
SAGE: (muttering under her fake smile) Fucking lousy ass buttmunchkin singing is definitely one of the hazards of this job. And people wonder why I travel in a soundproof bubble…
Mitzi continues to merrily gallop down the shit paper road as the ear bleeding voices of the buttmunchkins begin to fade into the background… not only completely oblivious to all of the troubles that lie in store for her in this strange land, but also unaware of…….
MITZI: Like, owsies!!!!
….the fake scenery marking the end of the soundstage.
TO BE CONTINUED….