Mitzi Gale and her loyal dog Fleabag begin their journey down the Shit Paper Road, hoping to make it to the Cubic Zirconia City so she can ask for the Gizzard’s help in getting back home to the Shelf…
MITZI: All this walking is, like, so tiring, puppy wuppy! I totally wish I had one of those subways to ride on!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THEY SEE US ROLLIN’! THEY HATIN’! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: This is totally ruining my mani/pedi! Are we, like, there yet?
Long walks aren’t the only thing Mitzi needs to be worrying about…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! GO WEST, YOUNG CRITTER! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: I’m, like, totally lost without my CBS! Maybe we should ask this cutie sitting on the punkin! Excuse me, like, we totally don’t know which way to go… and were wondering if, like, you know…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! IS THAT YOU, MR. FOX? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: Aw, poopchute! I, like, totally don’t think he talks! What are we going to do!?!?
VOICE: Does it really matter? What’s the hurry?
MITZI: OM to the G! He, like, DOES say stuff! I think….. hey, did you, like, say that, or am I just having hallucitations?
VOICE: Hallucinations are good for the mind, body and soul.
MITZI: You didn’t say that! Your lips were, like, totally not moving! Then you lie, lie, lie!!!
Fleabag immediately takes off for a huge clump of vegetation and barks his head off until the mystery of the talking signpost up ahead is revealed…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! OH NO! NOT HIM! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: Oh my! Like, what are you doing rolling around in that hay by yourself? Let me join you!
FUZZYWIG: This isn’t hay, dearie… and I’m good for now, thank you. What’s a chick like you doing in a place like this, anyway?
MITZI: It’s, like, a long story. Totally TL:DR…
FUZZYWIG: Yeah, you might want to spare me the details then…
FUZZYWIG: Hey you!!! Get out of my good stuff! (Clapping his hands together) Go on, scram! We have Chinese buffets here in the Land of Blahs too, you know!
MITZI: Good stuff?
FUZZYWIG: Well…. I like to tell everyone it’s alfalfa since nobody knows what alfalfa’s supposed to look like. But it’s really……. (whispering) MARIHUANA.
MITZI: You can’t, like, whisper and talk in ALL CAPS at the same time!
FUZZYWIG: I can when my status is a stoner emoji…
MITZI: Wow! Auntie Ess won’t let us grow MARIHU….
FUZZYWIG: (Covering Mitzi’s mouth with his dirty paw) Shhhhhhhhh!!!! This stuff’s 100% illegal in this land! You want me to end up in the slammer and ruin this whole story?
MITZI: Oh noes! I’m, like, so sorry!
FUZZYWIG: This is my own private Colorado here. I grow this good stuff for its medicinal purposes… but I have to lay low to keep the fuzz off my back! Plus, since my scarecrow you just met is too cute looking, I also have to moonlight as a scarecoon to keep the freeloaders out of my stash, you know?
On cue, the tiny bird from Buttmunchkin Land lands on Fuzzy’s nose…
FUZZYWIG: Beat it, birdbrain! I don’t share with my fine, feathered friends.
BRIGHTBIRD: Can’t you see I have a brain tumor, numbnuts? I need my fix to ease the pain, man. And besides…. (he steals some freshly picked herb and flies off)… you can’t catch me!
FUZZYWIG: Lousy no good…. I can’t even report him to the authorities without getting in trouble! I sure wish Blahs wasn’t stuck in the 60’s and would legalize this shit!
MITZI: But isn’t it, like, only supposed to be the 1930’s?
FUZZYWIG: Just goes to show you progress isn’t always progressive. I think I need another hit to get my mellow back on…
Fuzzy looks all around to make sure there are no undercover police or drones lurking around… and then pulls the tools of his trade out from under the home stash.
FUZZYWIG: It’s a shame I have to hide my habit…
Fuzzy stuffs some leaf in his pipe and lights it…
MITZI: Aren’t you, like, supposed to be afraid of fire?
FUZZYWIG: How else would I light up, dearie? Apparently I’m not the one who needs a brain, either.
MITZI: So what do you need?
FUZZYWIG: I already told you… legalization! If I could freely grow and smoke my own cannabis, well, I’d……………
♪♫ I could while away the hours
By tokin’ all my flowers
And sowin’ all my seed
And I’d be stoned a’plenty
Every Friday at 4:20
If I only had some weed!
I would savor the aroma
And lessen my glaucoma
With therapeutic speed ♪♫
♪♫ With a field full of barley
You could be another Marley
If you only had some weed! ♪♫
♪♫ Oh I’d, not have to hide
My bong behind closed doors
I could smoke some things I’ve never smoked before
And then I’d puff, and toke some more!
I could chill with Mary Jane
And scramble up my brain
That’s all I’ll ever need
I’d be one happy fellow
Freely getting on my mellow
If I only had some weed! ♪♫
MITZI: Wowsies!!!! If I, like, did that jig at the club, it would totally be raining right now!
FUZZYWIG: I do all kinds of crazy shit when I’m higher than a kite in the jet stream.
MITZI: You’re so much fun!!! Would you, like, totally want to go with me to see the Gizzard of Blahs? You could ask him to, like, make your cannibals legal and stuff!
FUZZYWIG: Hmmmmmm. Yeah, sure, whatever. It’s not like the local potheads haven’t already raided my entire harvest anyway. Let me get my “supplies” to help me ease on down, ease on down the road…
MITZI: That’s, like, a totally different version of the story!
MITZI: So, do you, like, know which way the Cubic Zirconia City is?
FUZZYWIG: What do I look like, a fucking atlas? I doubt I could find my way back to the crib right now in my current state.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS! ANY QUESTIONS? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: Let’s solve this the old playground way. Eenie meeny miney moe, always puff before you blow, if the joint goes out in ash, take some from your mama’s stash!
FUZZYWIG: That way!
MITZI: But that’s, like, the way we just came from!
FUZZYWIG: Do you really think it matters? We’ll just pick up right where we’re supposed to be next Friday anyway. That’s the magic of Hollywood, darling.
And so Mitzi, Fleabag and their new companion set off together down the Shit Paper Road on their journey to see the Gizzard of Blahs…. singing and dancing and carrying on like a bunch of morons.
MITZI: Are you, like, sure this is the right way?
FUZZYWIG: Yes. To the studio commissary. I’ve got a bad case of the munchies right now…
TO BE CONTINUED…