Health Food Sucks

Send this nasty ass shit back to the recycling bin you found it in.

They say that a nutritious breakfast is the best way to start the day.  Well, we here at The Nest believe that a harmonious earworm is the healthiest way to start your week.  Monday means that it’s time to tune in to our radio full of fun things and play the next song in our Top 30 Novelty Songs of All Time countdown!  Today we enter the Top 20, and DJ Scratchy is celebrating this milestone in the countdown with a margarita or three, while the Sponkies will have to make due with the Kool Aid that came in their Happy Meals.  You vegetarians out there may want to cover your ears for the next few minutes…

#20. “Cheeseburger In Paradise” – Jimmy Buffett

The world’s wealthiest beach bum was featured in my previous countdown, as I piled a whole load of parrot shit on his signature song that gets played just a few too many times for my liking.  But as much as I hate “Margaritaville,” I like almost everything else I’ve ever heard from Jimmy Buffett.  Since Buffett’s a niche singer whose songs are often inspired by his tropical surroundings, a number of his creations easily fit the novelty category.  And my favorite of those offbeat Buffett songs has to be this ode to an iconic American food that I don’t even eat…

“Cheeseburger in Paradise” only hit #32 on the US Hot 100 chart, but is probably Jimmy’s second best known song next to that one about the adult beverage.  The lyrics are cute and highly relatable, as someone who looks down with great disdain on so-called health food… and who has never walked into a fast food restaurant before wanting to know how many damned calories are in the heart attack in a wrapper I’m ordering…

Next the government will be making it mandatory that the number of rat droppings in your value meal gets prominently posted.

And when I said I don’t eat cheeseburgers… what I really mean is I don’t eat cheese.  Ick!  Get that melted slab of cow snot off of my hamburger please!  Since many real fast food burgers come standard with cheese, trying to get the high school dropout working the grill to leave it off is about as easy as asking a political candidate not to send you junk mail during an election year.  This should never be an issue.  It’s s hamburger first, and a cheeseburger only by request, goddammit!  I don’t mind eating dead farm animals, but I’d rather not have something made from the contents of their udders…

Fine. More cheese for me then!

Be sure to come back next Monday for another healthy novelty song that won’t make you look fat…


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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21 Responses to Health Food Sucks

  1. yes… we want burgers!!!. they can make strawberries from saw dust, why they can not make that a burger or a sh*tty apple tastes like a burger?

  2. I actually like my burgers both ways – if it’s cheesy, it’s gotta be sharp cheddar, and if it’s cheeseless, it’s gotta have lots of other “stuff” on it. The squirrel was lucky to score that little bit of leftover cheese – bet it would be good as a dip for acorns!


    • I’m the kind of person who actually prefers burgers as is… with no buns even. Just put several slabs of well cooked meat on my plate with a helping of pickles on the side and be gone!

  3. Even us vegetarians enjoy a meal of Jimmy Buffet sometimes. 🍔 I’m with you on the fast food cheese sandwich which I refer to as cheese wax. Not a fan of whatever concoction that stuff is made from myself. The real deal however…that’s another story.

  4. ghostmmnc says:

    Jimmy Buffett’s songs are some of our favorites, and this one I like a lot. I usually do get cheese on my burgers, but the best ones are those we make at home.

    • Nothing can beat homemade since you can really make it the way you like it! I love my burgers flat and crispy, and can flatten and scorch them to my heart’s content on my skillet…

  5. Trisha says:

    A song I can relate to! I want to eat healthy but about two days of nasty low carb foods and veggies is all I can stand before I’m ready for a cheeseburger!

  6. You are absolutely right. Health food totally sucks. Except for fresh corn and fruit. I love fruit. Well, actually, I love melon and berries. Not so much the rest of it.

    • I can’t remember the last time I ate real fruit. When I was a kid, I’d indulge in the occasional apple, orange, banana, grape…. now, I don’t buy any of that. I’m really surprised I’m still alive on the junk I eat…

  7. Quirky Girl says:

    I’m so tempted to make those nightmarish looking Sesame Street edible goodness for my kids, just to torment them.

    As a vegetarian, I love my fruits and veggies, but those characters somehow do the unthinkable and manage to make healthy foods less appealing… 😛

    • Whoever made those plates had way too much time on their hands (As if I should talk). I’d love to run the edible Elmo through the garbage disposal a few times just to see how ticklish he really is…

  8. Merbear74 says:

    I love cheese so much, how can you not love cheese?

  9. draliman says:

    Well, I eat cheese with nearly every meal so I’ll have yours. This is the first song for weeks that has refused to play. Alexa sounded like she was laughing when she played the song to me – she really made a meal of the word “cheeseburger”, if you’ll pardon the pun…

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