Mitzi Gale and her companions continue their trek down The Shit Paper Road to visit the terrible Gizzard of Blahs. The woods are getting deeper and darker and spookier….
MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, going to totally tinkle herself if we keep hearing all those strange noises!
FUZZYWIG: Knock yourself out, dear. The road’s just one really long puppy pad.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THE WORLD IS MY PUPPY PAD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
CHIP: One crappy prop tree does not a forest make.
MITZI: But we might get totally bambushed by wild animals!
CHIP: The only thing we might get ambushed by is the next fucked up gag in this story.
FUZZYWIG: I grew up in these woods and know the kind of critters who live here. We might run across skinks and skanks and skunks!
MITZI: Oh my!
CHIP: That’s impossible!
FUZZYWIG: No. Lions and tigers and bears would be impossible since they live on three different continents! There’s already been several skanks and skunks in this story alone.
MITZI: Hey! I, like, totally resemble that!
FUZZYWIG: Laugh all you want, but I’m going to prepare to defend myself from any critter attacks!
CHIP: The only thing you’re worried about is they might jump out from the woods and steal your weed.
FUZZYWIG: Right. I’ve got my priorities, you know.
The four slowly continue on through the ever thickening brush, when suddenly….
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
CHIP: Would you please stop…
FUZZYWIG: Aha! He’s spotted a wild beast! (Lunges with his box cutter at the emerging shadow) Gotcha, you pot stealing thief!!!
MITZI: Oopsies! That was just a kyoot little possie wossie!
CHIP: You murdered an innocent possum!
FUZZYWIG: Spare the dramatics, Columbo. As far as possums are concerned, I say it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Fuzzywig kicks the carcass of Buster off to the side of the road, and the journey continues until the real threat in this episode is encountered….
SNUGGLE: Yo! What up, bitches!!!
The big, ferocious, evil, nasty, rotten, low down, no good, creepy and ugly bear jumps down…
SNUGGLE: Yo, Narrator Dude! Enough with the flattery! While you’re busy stroking my ego, I’mma head down here and start stroking something else for this fine piece of horny meat I see approaching!
SNUGGLE: Hey, baby! Wanna head on back in the sticks with me and let me show you how the circle of life works?
MITZI: Like, ummmmmm…
SNUGGLE: That’s a really hot looking bra you got there, babe! I’ll bet the matching panties looked really fine until they disappeared up the crack of your…
CHIP: Please! There are children reading this!
FUZZYWIG: I’m not even sure there are adults reading this.
SNUGGLE: (Looking at the scarecoon and straight man) And just what is a hottiecorn like you doing hanging around with two capital-L losers like this?
CHIP: I beg your pardon! We’re only together to…
SNUGGLE: Don’t worry, toots! I’ll kick these two Romeo rejects asses right back onto the set of the Three Stooges flick they belong on. Then it’ll just be you and I and a little bungle in the jungle!
SNUGGLE: So, let’s go! I’ll take both of you scrawny runts on at once!
CHIP: Sorry, but I’m not a pugilist!
SNUGGLE: I could care less what your religious affiliation is! I kick everyone’s asses equally! Now, which one of you first?
FUZZYWIG: I’ll have you know I’m trained in the classic martial art of Shit Zu! You’re messing with a fuschia belt!
CHIP: Good! You take care of him then while I bring up the rear.
SNUGGLE: You don’t scare me, Bruce Lee! I’ll start with a Daniel-san karate kick right to your ugly nose!
Snuggle gets into his best Ralph Macchio pose, but before he can rearrange the coon’s face into something even uglier…..
MITZI: Leave him alone you big meanie!!!!
Fuzzy, Chip and even Fleabag all wince in pain as they watch Mitzi’s diamond studded hoof make solid contact with Snuggle Bear’s crotch. The only one who doesn’t react is….
SNUGGLE: Aw, what did you have to go and do that for?
FUZZYWIG: Dude! How can you not be doing the Pentecostal in pain right now?
CHIP: Really. I’m pretty sure I got a secondhand hematoma just from watching that kick to the groin.
SNUGGLE: I……. erm…….. uh…….. well, I…………
MITZI: (Taking a closer look) Like, holy rollers!!!
FUZZYWIG: You don’t have any nads, do you?
SNUGGLE: (Hanging his head in shame) Nope. No balls at all. Lost them when I was a cub.
CHIP: How do you lose your testicles? I’ve lost my wallet, my phone…. never my nuts!
SNUGGLE: It involved the pencil sharpener at school and a stupid dare. At least I still have my Number 2 pencil. (Turns to Fleabag who is enjoying his jewels)
SNUGGLE: All my life, I haven’t experienced the true pleasures that come with having a healthy set of nuts! My mother told me I’d fucked my life up and would have to run off and join a convent… but it’s not like I could screw the nuns there without my bags packed! It’s just my luck to be such a horny, studly alpha critter and not even have the right equipment for the job!
MITZI: Maybe you could come with us to see the Gizzard, and he’d…
Fuzzywig and Chip both start shaking their heads in unison at Mitzi’s suggestion.
SNUGGLE: The Gizzard? Do you think he’d give me a brand spankin’ new pair? Wow, that would really be swell. Swell! I can’t even keep from using pussy ass Leave It To Beaver words because of my condition!
MITZI: You poor widdow snuggie wuggie teddy bear! Just think of all the totally manly things you’d do with a new set of tacticals!
♪ ♫ Yeah, it really makes me pissy
To act like such a sissy
When nature’s duty calls
I could pound like a hammer
Wham, Bam, Thank you ma’amer
If I only had the balls! ♪ ♫
♪ ♫ I’d be dancing and be singing
All while my sack was swinging
Between my groinal halls
They’d be prized like a Bentley
I would hold and rock them gently
If I only had the balls! ♪ ♫
♪ ♫ I’d be potent as a rabbit… ♪ ♫
♪ ♫ I’d be like Sebastian Cabot ♪ ♫
♪ ♫ I could support my habit ♪ ♫
♪ ♫ If the Gizzard, dagnabbit, is any goooooood…. ♪ ♫
CHIP: Then I’d be sure to be a star!
FUZZYWIG: Grow weed!
MITZI: Go home!
SNUGGLE: Have a set of brass balls THIS BIG!!!!
CHIP: Show off…
♪ ♫ We’re off to see the gizzard!
The horrible Gizzard of Blahs!
Who truly is
A terrible Giz
If ever a Giz there was!
Oh if ever an assholish Giz there was
The Gizzard Of Blahs is one because
Because because because becauuuuuuuuse
Because of the terrible things he does!
We’re off to see the gizzard!
The horrible Gizzard of Blahs! ♪ ♫
And so, with the choruses of that awful singing drowning out all the spooky noises from the forest and scaring most of the animals back into their dens… the now-full contingent of wish seekers begin the last leg of their journey down The Shit Paper Road. And the skyline of their destination is now on the horizon….
FUZZYWIG: Whoomp, there it is!
CHIP: What kind of a joint is this anyway?
SNUGGLE: It’s the Cubic Zirconia City, dude! And it’s fucking…..
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! CREEPY! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
TO BE CONTINUED…