The Gizzard Of Blahs – Part VIII

Where to find link to previous installments of our feature presentation

With the Cubic Zirconia City now in sight, despite the dense smog, Mitzi Gale and her four companions happily hip, hop and skip down the Shit Paper Road on their quest to see The Gizzard of Blahs…

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I’m not skipping!  That’s totally gay!

FUZZYWIG: Whatever you say, No Nuts.

Meanwhile, at the castle of the Wicked Bitch of the Wild Wild West…

RAINY: So, they think they’ve got it made in the shade now that their destination is within reach.  Well, this wicked bitch has got a few more nasty tricks tucked away under this shitty index card hat of hers.  I’ll bet a field full of poisoned poppies would slow them all down…. permanently!  Yes, I think I’ll cover the road with poppies and…

TWILIGHT: Sorry, ma’am, but that isn’t possible!

RAINY: Who are you to tell me something isn’t possible!?!?  And for that matter, who are you period!?!?

APPLEJACK: We’re your winged ponies!

RAINY: What happened to the winged monkeys?

SCRATCHY: Peter Gabriel shocked them all.  Besides, we’re a shit-ton cuter than they are.

RAINY: How can you be winged ponies if only one of you actually has wings!?!?

LUNA: Just go with it, OK?  Just like you can’t have a field full of poppies because ES doesn’t have any flower props on hand and it isn’t dandelion season!

RAINY: What!?!?  Curses!!!  What kind of a two-bit operation is Shelf Critter Theatre, anyway?

SCRATCHY: (Opening a random bottle of magic potion) I wonder what this shit does?

Scratchy dumps the bottle on the crystal ball….

CHIP: What the hell was that?

SNUGGLE: Damn!  That bean burrito sure smelled a whole lot better when I ate it this morning!

MITZI: Oh noes!  My nail polish is, like, totally melting off my hooves!

FUZZYWIG: Good job.  You killed the dog, and there isn’t even a restaurant nearby to sell him to.

SNUGGLE: I’m gonna blame the dog!  He who smelt it dealt it!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! NOT ME! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

As the foul air of ursine flatulence slowly clears in the unventilated studio, the quintet carries on towards their ultimate goal…

RAINY: That was my anti-anti-gas medicine, you fool!  I wanted to stop them with something silent and deadly….. and I think I know just the dastardly deed to keep them from reaching the Cubic Zirconia City!  (Rainy does a whole lot of nonsense hocus pocus actions over her crystal ball)  There!  Let’s see those bra thieves try to get past THAT!

And it doesn’t take long before the parade comes to a halt due to an impediment in the road…

SNUGGLE: Dafuq?

FUZZYWIG: What’s the meaning of blocking the road like this?

MITZI: Like OMGs!  It’s so kyooooooooooooot!!!!!!

CHIP: DON’T LOOK AT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: I, like, can’t!  He’s just….. so………….. totally……………..

MITZI: ………………………………..

SNUGGLE: Yeah, dude.  Those eyes are…. just….. so……………

SNUGGLE: …………………………………

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK………………. BAR…………………….

FLEABAG: ……………………………….

CHIP: Oh no!  This is terrible!  Falling for one of the worst gags in SCT!  Oh no, not you too Fuzzy!!!!

CHIP: Fuzzy!?!?!?

FUZZYWIG: ………………………………….. huh, what?

CHIP: You didn’t become entranced by Mr. Fox too, did you?

FUZZYWIG: Nah, dude.  I’m just a little stoned, that’s all.

CHIP: What are we going to do!?!?  They’ll just stand there looking into his soul devouring eyes FOREVER!!!

FUZZYWIG: Maybe we should call for help.  No wait, we can’t do that…

CHIP: Because it’s 1939!

FUZZYWIG: Well, that and the cell signal out here is pretty shitty.  I think I’ll just roll up another doob and wait for the deus ex machina to show up…

CHIP: That’s not going to do any good!  We should just scream for help instead!  HELP!!!!

SAGE: Dammit!  I’m trying to watch the soaps and I can’t hear the TV over all of your pathetic screaming!

FUZZYWIG: Well, hello nurse!

CHIP: You’re the Good Bitch of the South, right?  We need help!  Our party has become paralyzed by the wicked bitch’s vulpine magic!

SAGE: What are you babbling about?  All I see in your way is this fox with….. the most amazing……….

SAGE: ………..eyes……..

SAGE: …………………………………..

CHIP: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!!!  Can this adventure possibly get any worse?

FUZZYWIG: Not until the weed runs out…

CAPER: Gee, I’ll bet you guys are holding out for a hero right now.

CHIP: Who are you?

CAPER: I’m Sage’s companion Caper.  The one who always gets ignored in every episode I appear in.

FUZZYWIG: Did somebody say something or am I having a flashback?

CAPER: See what I mean?  Nobody ever pays any attention to ME!!!

CHIP: I’m the straight man, and I’m desperate…. so if there’s anything you can do to stop this madness, I’d be more than happy to recognize your existence all you want!

CAPER: Eh, it’s not as if I do this gig for fame anyway.  Even I get the same shitty royalty payments you so-called “stars” do.  OK, watch me totally save all of your asses here!

Caper whips out a pair of used eclipse glasses, and….

With Mr. Fox’s hypnotic eyes no longer visible, the entranced critters begin to return to their senses…. or what senses they had to begin with.

FLEABAG: ……… BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SNUGGLE: ……………. whoa!  Hey, what the fuck happened?

MITZI: …………… like, happy birthday!

SAGE: ………….. huh, what?  Oh, yes!  I see I saved the day once again.

CAPER: Of course you did.

SAGE: I better get back to my palace now before my pet skunk Caper worries about me.  Please don’t expect me to come to your rescue again.  Goodbye!

Sage and some other pipsqueak of a critter exit in their bubblemobile, while the traveling companions dust themselves off from this latest misadventure, go around the now harmless fox and continue on the last leg of their journey…

RAINY; CURSES!!!!  Why do the forces of good always have to meddle in the affairs of evil!?!?

SCRATCHY: Instant karma’s gonna get you…

RAINY: I guess I’ll have to deal these troublemakers myself!

LUNA: Nice broomstick.

RAINY: Shut up, peasant!  I’m the only critter in the world who will ever own a flying car, and this one is off to the Cubic Zirconia City to get back my booby grippers!

And with that, Rainy’s bitchin’ race car zooms off through the stained glass window and off to intercept Mitzi and friends.

TWILIGHT: I’ve got to say, I wouldn’t do my own stunts like that.

Meanwhile…

MITZI: Lookies!!!  It’s, like, the end of the poop paper road!!!

CHIP: And even in a so-called utopia like Blahs, nobody could be bothered to change out the empty roll.

MITZI: There’s the gates of the Cubic Zirconia City!!!  It looks so totally perty!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Reminds me of the reform school.

SNUGGLE: Dafuq is this shit!?!?!?

Snuggle presses Buster’s belly button…

BUSTER: (In a recorded voice) Sorry, critters!  But Blahs’ favorite family fun city is closed two weeks for repairs and renovations that will keep it looking spiffy and keen!  We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused!  Come back and see us then!  Yuk, yuk yuk!!!

SNUGGLE: Fuck you, assclown!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED….

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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11 Responses to The Gizzard Of Blahs – Part VIII

  1. oh man how bad…ruined nail polish is a catastrophe…. btw: the photo with the 8-ball is stunning… what a fab idea !!!! you are the bestest wizard of all ;O)

  2. Dang…..that long long road came to an end only to find the fun palace closed for reno??? Say it isn’t so……!!!

    Pam

  3. Merbear74 says:

    I like how you throw in lyrics and 80’s references…John Lennon would be a proud national lampoon…

  4. draliman says:

    I love the crystal 8 ball with them all showing inside.
    Thank goodness Sage showed up to save them all with no help whatsoever!
    And… yay, Mr Fox has a starring role!

  5. Trisha says:

    The photo with the group caught in the refelection of Rainy’s Magic 8 ball is so cool! I love how this act ends with Cubic Zirconia City closed for renovations. Now I’m wondering who is going to go all Clark and take a guard hostage to get in to Wallyworld, er Cubic Zirconia City.

    • I’m glad so many people liked the Magic… er, crystal ball effect! It’ll pop up again later, and if the scene plays out as good as I have it in my head, it should be pretty funny. The National Lampoon’s Vacation crossover was literally a last minute inspiration that gave me a great way to kill off Buster in this part! Though Uncle Snuggie would make a great deranged Clark Griswold, in reality it was just a one off gag that won’t play into the plot. At least I think it won’t…. I guess even I never know until I actually hit the publish button how these are going to turn out!

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