With orders from The Gizzard of Blahs to bring back the rain gauge of The Wicked Bitch of the Wild Wild West if they want to see their wishes granted, Mitzi Gale and the gang set off on the dangerous trek to the bitch’s castle to pull off the impossible…
MITZI: This road is, like, so totally scary and stuff!
SNUGGLE: Relax, babe! We’re as safe as a baby breastfeeding in their mother’s arms while I watch through the binoculars…
CHIP: I’d feel a whole lot safer if you weren’t walking behind me with that knife, Snuggle! Fuzzy, where’s your weapon to fend off all the ghosts and zombies out here?
FUZZYWIG: I don’t think zombies eat fried brains. I’m pretty sure mine tastes just like my special brownies…
CHIP: Well, then you better be ready to fend off horror with that pipe!
SNUGGLE: At least he’s not armed with a dildo like you are!
CHIP: This is a club, not a dildo!
MITZI: Oh, I, like, totally used that for mastication in several past episodes! (Sniffs the end of Chip’s “club”) Yep, that’s Mitzi’s old special friend!
Chip looks grotesquely at his weapon of choice and casually pushes it aside and chooses to go unarmed…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I SEE DEAD POSSUMS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SNUGGLE: Gah! Zombie possums! Kill it with fire!!!
BUSTER: Nah, there’s no need for that! I’m just a normal, ordinary marsupial out for a walk on this beautiful full moon night!
MITZI: But isn’t this forest, like, crawling with ghosts and goblets?
BUSTER: Of course not! This neighborhood was voted one of the safest in Blahs by AAA in a 2007 statistical study! There’s nothing to be afraid of at all out here!
REEK! REEK! REEK! REEK! REEK! REEK! REEK! REEK!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Well, nobody saw that coming.
CHIP: Now that this has become a slasher flick, we’re doomed to keep reappearing in decades worth of shitty sequels and reboots!
MITZI: I’m, like, so totally glad the virgin always totally survives these movies!
SNUGGLE: Good news for you, Chip!
RAINY: I’ve got some good news for all of you… this ridiculous story is just about over! Winged ponies! Go fetch me Mitzi and her mutt!
SCRATCHY: Dude! We’re about to go on lunch break.
TWILIGHT: Yeah, did you not notice it’s almost midnight?
RAINY: You’re my servants, and servants do NOT take lunch breaks! Or any breaks at all…
LUNA: The Brotherhood of Evil Villain Servants Union is going to hear about this violation of our collective bargaining agreement!
BUB: Excuse me, Miss, but shouldn’t you send me out first?
RAINY: Who in the hell are you?
BUB: I’m the Jitterbug!
RAINY: You don’t look like a dancer to me…
BUB: I took dance lessons after my weewee fell off and I could fit my crotch into a pair of leotards! Check out my moves!
RAINY: That’s disgusting! And furthermore, your scene gets cut out of the film anyway… so quit stalling my evil plans and go wipe the bodily fluids off of the torture equipment in the dungeon! I just may be needing it soon. Now… flying ponies…. GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fetch the slut and her dog, and don’t you dare damage those booby grippers!!! I’ll make it rain for forty straight years when I get them!!!
The Wicked Bitch’s overworked and underpaid servants take to the skies to seek out their intended targets…
MITZI: Uh ohs!!!
SNUGGLE: There’s trouble in the friendly skies again!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! INCOMING PEGASI! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
CHIP: When I get transferred to a real acting troupe, I’m going to see to it there are no scenes in any of my projects that involve looking up!
LUNA: We are the winged ponies of The Wicked Bitch of the Wild Wild West! Mitzi and the dog are now our prisoners.
APPLEHACK: Come peacefully, or we’ll have to bust some nuts!
TWILIGHT: You mean heads, AJ!
SNUGGLE: Please! You little gluesticks aren’t going to make us do anything!
CHIP: Yes, we have you outnumbered five to four!
MITZI: Like, a two to one advantage!
FUZZYWIG: Besides… I’d like to see you tiny little fillies carry off a heifer like Mitz….
SCRATCHY: I love it when a plan comes together….
CHIP: How did they….!?!?!?
FUZZYWIG: So….. what do we do now?
SNUGGLE: I don’t know about you two, but I’m gonna go have me a beer!
CHIP: For once, I’m completely on board with this ludicrous suggestion…
And so… as the ones left behind trudge back to the Cubic Zirconia City to hit the sauce, the winged ponies arrive back at the bitch’s castle with Mitzi and Fleabag in tow.
RAINY: Well, well… aren’t you a fat little pooch. I’ll get top dollar for you down at the Chinese buffet!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BITCH, PLEASE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: You, like, can’t do that to my poor puppy wuppy! He’s, like, so totes adorbs!
RAINY: I could care less if he was the love child of Lassie and Rin Tin Tin! If you don’t fork over those booby grippers to me right now, your puppy wuppy’s next flea dip will be in a bowl of soy sauce!
MITZI: OK….. like, go on ahead and have them. This color totally went out of fashion in 1936 anyway!
RAINY: Now you’re seeing things my way, little girl!
Rainy starts to reach out for the booby grippers…
MITZI: Go ahead and rip Mitzi’s bra off of her like so many other lucky critters have done before!
RAINY: I’m not doing this for any kind of stupid pleasure, you tramp! I’m just….
MITZI: Yeah! Grab Mitzi’s big boobies and, like, totally Fonda them!
RAINY: You are one sick hussy! I’m going to have to make this quick…
MITZI: OMG! The booby grippers are, like, electric! Boogie woogie woogie!
RAINY: They’re not electric!!! That’s static electricity from me trying to wedge your huge, fake, plastic tits out of them! Those things will never come off!!!
MITZI: Like, maybe with some Crisco?
RAINY: NO!!! This pisses me off so freaking much! I’m going to sell off your dog and make you eat the first takeout he’s in!
RAINY: Hey! What happened to Mitzi’s mutt?
SCRATCHY: Damned if we know.
TWILIGHT: We can’t have any official work communications with you right now anyway.
LUNA: That’s right, we’re on our overdue lunch break. Pray we don’t file a grievance.
RAINY: You incompetent fools let the dog slip away! I’ll handle you four lazy bums later! (Looks to Mitzi) As for you…. well, I know just how to deal with your incorrigible attitude AND get those booby grippers off of your skanky bod once and for all!
RAINY: You see this timer?
MITZI: Like, where’s the hourglass?
RAINY: Nobody uses hourglasses anymore outside of the soaps! It’s another shitty prop! Now… this time is all you’ve got…
MITZI: (Gulp) Like, to be alive?
RAINY: No! When the timer hits 0:00, your boobies……
Rainy makes the sound of a whoopie cushion deflating as she flails her arms in front of her chest….
Mitzi screams in terror at the idea of her bust suddenly deflating to a more normal size…
MITZI: You are, like, such a cruel bitch!
RAINY: I know, ain’t I? Farewell, my hussy! I’ll see you when you’re down to an A cup….
Rainy walks out and locks Mitzi in the room with the tiny titty timer…
MITZI: I can’t, like, be flat again! Who’s ever heard of a flat bimbocorn? Somebody, like, totally HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED…