Half The Questions

Oh, just one more thing, sir….

Last week I asked my beautiful readership to ask me one question, any question, for me to answer in a future post.  I also did this back in the Spring and was astounded to have the query total reach twenty!  Well, this time there were only ten people seeking ridiculous answers to ridiculous questions… thus the title of this post.  That’s actually a bit more like I expected the turnout to be, and also allows me to dedicate a little more time to my finely crafted answers than I was able to give previously…

And it takes less time away from my lawyer so he can drum up more business.

Alright, let’s get the intense interrogation started then!

Question 1: I’ve seen many squirrels over the years but I realised recently – when I heard this awful noise – that I’d never heard one before. It was up a tree, looking at me and shouting. I have two questions – does that mean he hates me and I should watch my back? And – how noisy are your squirrels? – Molly Bean

Squirrels, noisy? Never!

The fact that squirrels can be very vocal and loud critters is not something that seems to be common knowledge, for a few reasons I think.  First of all because squirrels don’t have one of those cool onomatopoeia words to describe the sound they make that most kids learn at an early age from their See ‘N Says when they aren’t using them to bludgeon their sister with.  Squirrels don’t meow, or moo, or oink, or ribbit…. but they do bark.  Or at least, that’s the word I most often see associated with squirrel utterances.  Second, most people don’t look for the squirrel scolding them from on high and just assume the noises are something else… which is kinda the same reason I see squirrel’s nests get misidentified as bird’s nests all the time.

Unless that’s Big Bird’s nest, you may want to guess again.

As for watching your back…. well, that depends on whether the squirrel is armed or not.  Beware of “falling” acorns…

Question 2: If there was no baseball in this world, what sport would you follow instead?  – Ally Bean (No relation to the previous blogger, I’d assume)

No baseball in this world?  Say it isn’t so!

Sorry, but no million dollar paycheck for you now.

Believe it or not, I don’t even follow baseball as closely as I used to… which is probably why I came oh so close to winning the fantasy baseball league I play in this year.  I haven’t been to a game in two years, and I rarely watch on TV anymore… though I still keep up to date on what’s going on online.  That said, I watched a lot of football (the pigskin variety) before my Sunday afternoons were devote to sleeping… but that’s the easy out since it’s considered to be America’s most popular sport.  Let’s pick a different sport for my second love to baseball…

Were you interested in getting your hands on my beautiful ten pound balls?

Bowling is the one sport I’ve participated in almost my entire life, and it’s even entertaining to watch on TV.  Hey, if they can televise golf or people playing poker, they can make must see TV out of people rolling a ball down oiled up lanes and unsuspecting pins.  Especially if the bowlers are the kind of assholes you’d find in most competitive beer leagues at your local lanes…

Do NOT laugh at my funny red and blue house shoes again if you know what’s good for you!!!

Speaking of that sport we’re supposed to pretend no longer exists…

Question 3: How quickly you think the Rockies will be dispatched? – Tails Around The Ranch

For those of you not in the know, we’re not talking about the mountain range… just the baseball team named after it that plays in Denver.  Or, at least, PLAYED in Denver until they were eliminated from the postseason on Sunday by the Milwaukee Brewers, smack dab in between when this question was asked and answered.  That means that if I fuck up the answer to this question, I’ll have nobody to blame but myself.  So I’ll just use this space instead to give some face time to the world’s third most famous purple dinosaur after Barney and Dino…

Like most mascots, Dinger is armed and extremely annoying.

Question 4: Where did you get your sense of humor from? – Merbear

From a hidden humor mine that I can only access through a trap door in my bathroom closet…

I always get a hefty helping before creating a Shelf Critter Theatre story.

My humor is a mix between my parents.  My weird and absurd sense of humor comes from my Mom, who as my longtime readers may remember, loved to repurpose empty cartons of tampons as gift boxes for the holidays.  Another thing my Mom handed down to me was her intentional phonetic pronunciation of fancily spelled words.  They’re not antiques, they’re “antickwas.”  Women do not wear lingerie, it’s “lingery” sounding just like the Cranberries song…

How long will this image linger in your nightmares?

As for my goofy, immature sense of humor… that came from Dad who’d watch and laugh along at Beavis and Butthead with me and my sisters while my Mom shook her head.  I’m a thorough mix of both… unless maybe the mailman had a goofy sense of humor as well…

Question 5: Which season is your favorite and what do you like about it? – Trisha

Trisha asked this question knowing that I detest summer, because hot weather is criminally overrated by people.  I’m a little more OK with winter, though too much cold and too much snow/ice/sleet/slush/shit can make it just as unbearable.  Spring is nicer, but our Springs all either seem to be monsoonish or nonexistent.

Not that some critters are complaining…

I guess that leaves Autumn, which seems like a natural fit since if I hate hot weather more than cold weather, it would follow that I’d appreciate the temps getting cooler over the Spring warmup.  I like the weather, I like the colors, Halloween is a rare holiday I can somewhat get into, and it’s also the favorite season of these guys…

I love to watch the squirrels change colors every year…

Question 6: why did you want to be on Millionaire? The money, your moment in the spotlight or both? I never had you pegged as an extrovert… – Draliman

I’m an incurable introvert with a extrovert personality locked up inside my own personal solitary confinement.  That said, I think the whole process that allowed me to get on the show almost (gulp) 18 years ago kinda fell into my lap, what with the conveniently located audition and the fact that the selection process and odds of being picked were heavily in my favor even if I showed up as a deathly boring corpse, and I just went along for the ride.  Coming from a small loser town where nobody ever makes a name for themselves (Outside of the evening news), there was just too much appeal to worming my way onto prime time’s most popular TV game show of the age.  And maybe it’s better that I only got to sit behind Regis and not face to face with him, because even that trapped extrovert inside of me cringes at the thought of having to make conversation in front of tens of millions of TV viewers…

Can we get this douchebag with the fuzzy tail off the set now, please?

Question 7: Maybe I should turn this and ask you what you’d want to ask of me? Probably cheating, who cares… – Randomly Erin

So that means I have to answer a question by asking another question?  Hopefully that doesn’t turn the universe inside out or something.  Hmmm… as I seem to recall, you have something of a thing for squirrels as well… probably not quite like me, but there does seem to be an affinity.  I guess I would ask how that came about.  Or maybe whether you still have Sandy, or if she’s already been used to line the litter box?

She’s cute. And she’ll also scare the roaches out of your pantry…

Question 8: You seem to be a creative and intelligent man – why are you working your ass off at nightshifts stuffing shop shelves and have no taste for some more interesting job? – Franhunne

If I had a dollar for every time I get asked why I have a job that society as a whole seems to look down on when I appear to be someone who could be doing something so much more prestigious and exciting, this would be a moot point because I could retire (And then promptly keel over since I’m completely inactive at home).  The short answer to this is the fact that, among several other attributes we seem to admire in humanity, I have a severe lack of an important quality that keeps me from “moving forward” in life… and that’s ambition.

I guess that’s better than lacking a heart, though I don’t really have that either.

I’m the ultimate “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” kind of guy… and I’m happy and content doing what I’m doing.  As a bonus, after 20 years I’m very damn good at my job (And have learned many more work skills than just shelf stuffing).  Why do anything else… especially when I’m apparently one of the few people who actually prefer the nighttime to the day?

Along with my possum friends. Go ahead and squee at the cuteness, Draliman!

Question 9: What planet besides Earth describes you best, and why? – ghostmmnc

Now there’s a very outside the box kind of question.  Let’s see… I’ll avoid the obvious answer of Uranus.  I’m going to say Pluto!

You have just FAILED science, young man! Now go to the principal’s office for paddling!

Yes, you have probably heard that a bunch of scientists who wanted to badly get NASA into the news again since 21st Century America cares nothing about space exploration anymore decided to unilaterally declare that Pluto, after 75 years as our ninth planet , was getting stripped of its planetary tiara.  Bullshit.  I learned there were nine planets in school, and there will always be nine planets.  Pluto gets overlooked and underestimated by its peers, plus it’s about 3 billion miles from the sun way out there by its lonesome… just as I prefer to have that much distance between me and other people.  Pluto, I feel ya, buddy!

Don’t worry, Pluto. You don’t want to sit at the cool table anyway…

And finally…

Question 10: What do you wanna be when you grow up???????? – Pam

A children’s storyteller!  I’d be really good at it, don’t you think?

My books would be very educational…

And so, the defense rests on this round of questioning.  Thanks to everyone who took the time to prod at my inner secrets to help make this another entertaining and forgettable post!  We’ll do this again sometime in the future…

Time to start thinking about your next super stumper…

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Half The Questions

  1. I am so loving your mother and her repurposed tampon Christmas boxes right now. I really need to do that this year.
    As for your 10 pound balls… kindly keep those things to yourself.

  2. Actually, I’d just like to know whether you favor the Astros or the Sox. We would LIKE the Sox to win, but honestly, we think the Astros are the likely winners. Unless there are further injuries or “last man standing” favors the Sox. Whadja think?

    • Despite Boston’s superior record, I do think Houston is the team to beat. They demolished Cleveland, while the Red Sox seemed a bit fortunate that the Yankees self destructed in those final two games. I’m kinda rooting for a Houston/Milwaukee World Series, only because its would seem like a bizarro WS matchup for those of us who remember when Houston was in the NL and Milwaukee in the AL…

  3. Trisha says:

    That’s pretty much my order of preference for the seasons too, although when it’s sunny I prefer winter over spring. I just can’t enjoy spring much, knowing that stupid summer is looming ahead. And I totally understand about lacking career ambition. My favorite jobs were the ones that allowed me to avoid people. I enjoyed working at Target once the store closed for the night!

    • I won’t even advance into the supervisor positions because they require more personal interaction with customers and co-workers, and I obviously prefer to work alone. After some brief teasing with cool weather followed by what had been a VERY warm October so far, we finally have real Fall weather! It actually had that autumn smell in the air today, and is gonna get down into the low 40’s tonight! One of those AC to furnace type of weeks…

      • Trisha says:

        I’m glad you’re finally getting some fall weather. I love it when it gets down into the low 40’s at night. We’ve had a few nights that chilly over the past couple of weeks and we even had a light frost one morning. The end of summer warmth makes me so happy!

  4. that was interesting! we are totally with you for summer…too hot, to crowded and too blaah…. but we really wonder why a squirrel would like to live on a planet named by a dog… ;O))))

  5. Ally Bean says:

    I remember Bowling for Dollars on TV when I was a girl. You’d be a natural for that kind of televised sporting event, what with your previous on-air experiences and your bowling background. Nice answer to my question. Thank you.

    • I can only imagine what I’d look like bowling on live television. I have a pretty weird and untamed approach and throw like a wild man… but that would make for interesting TV.

  6. OH NO. How could I have missed that? On the other hand I seem to be missing out on a lot of stuff lately. My late question would be: Are you ever going to create your fun cartoons again?

    • I haven’t really drawn since my old computer with classic Paint went down, which, as I was reminded by my Yahoo login expiring, was a year ago this week. I miss the results of those comics, but not the work that went into making them. I would say the series is permanently retired…

  7. ghostmmnc says:

    Now how did I know you’d pick Pluto? Because you’re Far Out, Man! 🙂
    It’s just not right to demote poor Pluto to non-planet status. To me, it will always be my favorite.

    • It was a lame tactic by a bunch of attention seeking scientists! It’s not like an important theory or something was disproven, it was just technical BS that affected nothing! Pluto will always be Planet #9…

  8. Thanks for answering these probing questions we posed…….as for mine, yes you would be a wonderful storyteller for children – perhaps the ones in Ding Dong School’s Geography Class. However, whether OTHER “normal” children could understand what Mitzi and the Shelf Critter Crowd gets up (or down) to…..well…..if they DID understand they need serious help.


    • I think some of the students would appreciate my storytelling, like Groovy Cat and especially the cheer team (Who I’m sure have already been corrupted by Suzie). I don’t know about Bobby, and I think Sarge would have a heart attack…

  9. Nice to know you better again. One question more, have you always liked squirrels.

  10. MollyBean says:

    My squirrel wasn’t armed – not an acorn in sight. So I feel safe now, and like to think he was just making friends with me 😀 I’ve been thinking about the noise he made, it sounded like an angry magpie, with a deep voice, squawking. But you say ‘bark’ and yes it was like that too. So from now on, I’ll refer to it as Squark. Or Barawk. Barawk is better My squirrel barawked at me.

  11. draliman says:

    Aaargh, it’s the vampire possums of death again!
    You’ve got to feel sorry for Rainy, rushing outside just as the rain stops…

  12. I’m positive the barking squirrels in my hood are screaming “FU” to all us uprights. As for the Rocks…not surprised one bit but jeez, even I didn’t expect them to play so badly. Maybe they thought it was a game of whiffle ball instead of baseball cuz they sure didn’t bring any wooden bats. I knew they’d probably not last till the answers came out and sure enough they complied. Jerks.

  13. randomlyerin says:

    I admit that I’ve moved on to pandas, mostly because of work. I know I still have the digital image you made of me as a squirrel and I very clearly remember Sandy, though not where she is. My guess is that she’s safely stashed in my file cabinet in the folder labeled “momentos.”

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