The Gizzard Of Blahs – Part XIII

Links to previous installments can be found here!

Will our heroes make it to the wicked bitch’s castle before the timer hits zero and Mitzi’s bust goes bust!?!?!?!?

SNUGGLE: I swear, this stupid mutt’s led us through half of Blahs by now!

FUZZYWIG: Maybe we should go in the opposite direction if we want to find the castle.

CHIP: Look!  I think that’s it ahead!  We just took the scenic route, that’s all.


FUZZYWIG: If only we’d had a female to stop and ask for directions, we’d have made it before 4:20.

The four travel weary critters reach the entrance to the bitch’s castle.  The drawbridge is down, but a guard has been posted!

SCRATCHY: Dafuq you guys think you’re going?

CHIP: We need in the castle to rescue Mitzi!

SCRATCHY: And as the enemy, I should let you in because……?

FUZZYWIG: What if we say “Pretty please, with cannabis on top?”

SCRATCHY: Eh, I tell you what.  It’s not like I really care one way or the other about whether you spoil my boss’ plans.  But I think you should be tested before I let you pass.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I haven’t had to take a test since I flunked the GED for the fifteenth time.  We’ll just go around your stupid bridge.

SCRATCHY: And swim the deadly otter infested moat?  I doubt that.  Nah, I’mma ask you guys three questions related to my favorite subject, music.  Get them all right, and I’ll step aside and neglect my duties.  Miss one, and I’ll send you a pink gluestick made out of your friend.  Fair enough?

CHIP: Alright, we have no choice.  Shoot.

SCRATCHY: Don’t tempt me.  ‘Kay, first question!  What band sang a song about a deaf, dumb and blind kid that played pinball named Tommy?


SCRATCHY: Damn, I knew that was too easy.  Second question!  What was hip hop duo Kris Kross’ gimmick that made them famous in the 1990’s?

CHIP: Ummmmm….. they sucked?

SCRATCHY: Two for two!  You guys shoulda been judges on Solid Gold!  OK, Last question!  This one’s a toughy.  If the Spice Girls and N*Sync all paired up and did the wild thing, how many members would a band made out of their children contain?

FUZZYWIG: I knew I shouldn’t have smoked all those joints in the back row of my math class.

CHIP: We can figure this out!  Let’s see… there were five Spice Girls, and five boys in N*Sync, so the obvious answer is….


SCRATCHY: Winner winner kitten dinner!!!

CHIP: Huh?  But there’s five people in each…

SNUGGLE: Dude!  Lance Bass is gayer than The Village People leatherman riding a mechanical bull in the middle of San Francisco!  He’s not tapping any of those Spices!

Scratchy steps aside and allows the entourage passage into the castle…

CHIP: Hurry!  We don’t have any time to lose!


FUZZYWIG: Well, this is the only door on the entire soundstage, so Mitzi must be in this room.

MARIO: Mama Mia!  I hope I’mma not too late!

SNUGGLE: Dafuq are you?

MARIO: I’mma here to save-a the Princess from the evil Koopa!

FUZZYWIG: Sorry, Guido, but your princess is in another castle.

MARIO: Fucking fettuccine!  That’s-a what they always tell me!  Don’t worry, Peach-a my love!  Mario’s a-coming for you!

Mario jumps in a nearby pipe and warps to a different level… or maybe ends up in the septic tank.  Who knows?

FUZZYWIG: I think I may have to cut back to six joints a day.

CHIP: (Yelling through the door) MITZI!!!  Are you in there?

MITZI: (From inside) Like, totally Chippy Wippy!  Hurry!  I can’t read numbers, but I think my time’s, like, almost up!

CHIP: How are we gonna get inside?

FUZZYWIG: Maybe we should…

SNUGGLE: Leave that to me!!!

The bear rears back and charges at the door….

…it doesn’t budge.

SNUGGLE: I may need to borrow a wish and ask The Gizzard for a new shoulder now.  (Grabs his upper arm in pain)  FUCK!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, Fuzzywig ambles up and turns the doorknob…

FUZZYWIG: Well, that was about as difficult as selling dope at a Grateful Dead concert…

CHIP: Mitzi!!!  Are you OK?

Mitzi runs up and hugs Fuzzywig, grinding his spine into fine powder.

MITZI: Yes, I’m, like, A-O-L!  My boobies were going to shrinkypoo when the time on the clock was totally up!

CHIP: The clock’s still running, though!

MITZI: Oh noes!  What will we do?

SNUGGLE: We just need someone to take your place in this room, that’s all!  Well, what do we have here?

BUSTER: I was told to wander onto the set right now for some reason…

Snuggle Bear wastes no time grabbing Buster and shoving him in front of the timer…

FUZZYWIG: Well, that was a little messy.

CHIP: Imagine that being 30 pounds of silicone rather than possum guts.

MITZI: My boobies would have ‘sploded like Chuck Negron’s weewee!

SNUGGLE: A tit is a terrible thing to waste.

CHIP: So we still need to steal the bitch’s rain gauge!

MITZI: Let’s, like, totally get out of here instead before Mitzi’s other pretty parts get dessicated!

The five critters make haste for the castle exit, but it closes in their face.

SNUGGLE: Crap!  Um…. Open Sesame?

RAINY: Nice try, Ali Baba and his four thieves.

MITZI: Like, leave us alone before I totally get an retraining order!

RAINY: You’re the one who should be locked up for killing my brother and stealing his booby grippers!  I’m going to get what’s mine, and then I’m going to finish you ALL off just for the pain and suffering you’ve caused me!

FUZZYWIG: I’ve got something that will ease that pain and suffering…

RAINY: I’ll bet you do, Scarecoon.  And I can imagine how painful it would be for you if someone were to…. oh, maybe set it on FIRE!

RAINY: Say goodbye to your Good Stuff, pothead!

FUZZYWIG: NO!!!!  You wouldn’t!!!  Not my…..

Fuzzywig starts sobbing as his package of herb becomes a bonfire…

FUZZYWIG: Someone put it out!  We can still save the patient!  We need WATER!

CHIP: (Looking around) There’s supposed to be a prop bucket of water around here somewhere, but I don’t see it!

SNUGGLE: Figures the prop guy around here is slacking on the job again.

MITZI: Like, how are we going to make this into a happy ending without some wet stuff?

Enter the hero to save the day…….


RAINY: What are you doing you filthy hound?  If this dog isn’t housebroken, then he’s going to have to leave my castle……


RAINY: I’M MELTING!!!!!!!  At least I think this ridiculous Photoshop effect means I’m melting…

FUZZYWIG: What a world, what a world…

RAINY: You can’t do this to me!!!  Killing a witch in October should be a crime!  Somebody help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……..

Rainy’s voice fades out as she disappears into a puddle of liquid skunk…

TWILIGHT: So the skunk that could never collect any rain in her precious rain gauge just turned into a puddle of water herself.

SCRATCHY: Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t you think?

CHIP: Speaking of that precious rain gauge…

MITZI: Can we, like totally have it?  It’s a gift for a boyfriend of mine!

LUNA: Take it!  Get it out of our sight!

TWILIGHT: You want the silly hat too?

FUZZYWIG: Nah, we’re good.

SNUGGLE: You chicks seems pretty happy that we just killed the wicked bitch!

APPLEJACK: We are, Sugarcube!  Ding dong, the wicked boss is dead!!!

SCRATCHY: Party on, dude!!!

MITZI: Let’s, like, hurry back to the Gizzard’s crib!  We’re gonna have all our dreams come totally true!

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  And I know who I’m gonna have take my new nuts for their first test drive!


Snuggle slaps the shit out of Fleabag, as the gang heads out the door and back to the Cubic Zirconia City…

LUNA: So, now that us winged ponies are independent contractors… what do we do about this mess?

SCRATCHY: I’ll go get a maxi pad…



About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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11 Responses to The Gizzard Of Blahs – Part XIII

  1. So I keep looking at your snuggle bear and I realize I used to have a bunch of those. They came with the snuggle, right?

    The dogs ate them. All of them. Tore them to shreds. I am not sure what, if anything, this means.

    • They may have given smaller bears with Snuggle products before, but mine is a full sized teddy that was a gift from someone I know who used to work at Unilever HQ, who bought it in their gift shop. They sold Snuggle and the mascot off to another company shortly after that. Dogs know creeps when they see them, and Snuggle Bear has oozed creep since he came off the drawing board in the 80’s…

  2. I think the biggest question here is will the intrepid troup of troopers be able to continue their adventure when their GOOD STUFF has gone up in smoke (without their assistance of course!)?


    • Well, they’re going back to see the Gizzard now, and you know he’s gotta be sitting on a whole pile of the good stuff. Whether he’ll share or bogart it all, that will be the question for the next episode….

  3. draliman says:

    Yay! I love the Buster special effect. This is one high budget piece of theatre!

    • I’ll bet Rainy was jealous that she couldn’t have such a spectacular on screen death. I do hope the Oscars take note of my work in the special effects department… though they’ll just announce the wrong winner again and I’ll get shafted.

  4. Merbear74 says:

    I agree, the budget must be, like, $20 or something, the special effects are bitchin’.

  5. Trisha says:

    An exploded possum and a puddle of skunk, plus a pile of burnt, peed-on Good Stuff…this has to be the messiest episode of Shelf theater yet!

    • It would certainly be up there with some of SCT’s past messiness like the squirrel family massacre or the time I had Buster explode when he backed up his tailpipe and got possum guts and sh…….. well, you know all over everyone. Hopefully the aroma of the burning Good Stuff helped make everyone forget that entire scene…

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