With the Gizzard’s true identity now revealed, he and the others gather out in the Cubic Zirconia City’s main square to say goodbye to all the critters before he takes Mitzi and Fleabag back home to the Shelf…
SANTA: And so, it’s been a pleasure serving as your mysterious dictator for the past however many years.
The crowd would surely be hissing and booing were they not all lost in their smartphones…
SANTA: While I’m away, I am appointing Fuzzywig the Scarecoon to be in charge around here.
FUZZYWIG: My first order of business as your new leader is to sign an executive order freezing the clocks at 4:20. Bogarting will be a crime of high treason. Nonsmoking rooms will be banned…
TROLL: Dafuq, man? I thought I was your second in command? I should be the new Gizzard!
SANTA: If you were the new leader, who would clean the johns around here? No, wait, they already don’t get cleaned because you can’t even do that job right!
FUZZYWIG: I hope you’re better at cleaning out bongs.
TROLL: Well, shit! Alright, I’ll go pick up a couple packages of 2,000 Tokes.
FUZZYWIG: Blue water in a bong is just wrong, man…
SANTA: So, dear, are you ready to head back home?
MITZI: I totally am, Santy Wanty! Let’s, like, get this one whore open sleigh dashing through the snow!
CHIP: But that’s not a whor…. errr, horse guiding the sleigh!
SANTA: Of course it isn’t. That’s my red nosed squirreldeer!
MITZI: He’s, like, so totally kyoooooot!!!!!!!
SANTA: Yeah, sure he is. And no, you can’t pet him while he’s on the clock! Now, hop in, toots!
MITZI: But, I, like, can’t leave behind my new BFF’s without saying buh bye to them!
SANTA: Sigh…. alright, hurry it up, dear! Just because the sun’s never out at the North Pole this time of the year doesn’t mean the strip igloos stay open 24 hours!
MITZI: Like, TTYL my Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!
SNUGGLE: Hey, wait a minute! You can’t leave yet! We haven’t even gotten to first base! How would you like to lick my new balls here before you up and ditch me?
MITZI: Byesies, Chippy Wippy! I’m, like, totally bummed you didn’t get that new job you wanted… but you’re always welcome in my dressing room anytime, kyootie!
CHIP: Yeah, I’ll remember that once I complete my regimen of STD vaccinations…
MITZI: Awwww, Fuzzy Wuzzy! I think I’ll, like, totally miss you most of all!
FUZZYWIG: There there, don’t cry sweetie. You’ll get my Good Stuff wet and then I can’t light it for the big going away after party…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! GOOD RIDDANCE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: Awwwwwww, he totally wuvs you!!!
SNUGGLE: Dude! That mutt was just licking my ass with that tongue!
FUZZYWIG: Pardon me while I go look for a convenient place to barf up this afternoon’s munchies…
SANTA: So, are we good now, or do you need to extend a personal adios to every fucking critter in this fake fantasy land?
MITZI: Let’s blow this joint, Santa!
FUZZYWIG: Couldn’t have said it better myself…
But just as Mitzi’s about to climb into the back of Santa’s “sleigh”…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! SQUIRRELDEER! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
Acting as most squirrels would do when being barked at by a dog, the squirreldeer makes a run for it… lifting the sleigh and Santa into the air and beginning the journey back prematurely…
SANTA: Whoa! I said WHOA you useless piece of deer jerky!!!! Aw, dammit to hell! (Turning towards the crowd on the ground) Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!!”
And just like that, Mitzi’s ticket back home was gone………
FUZZYWIG: Nice job, eggroll. You ruined Mitzi’s exit.
CHIP: Now Mitzi’s stuck here with us!
SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!!!! This is where the porn part of the movie starts, right?
MITZI: (Starts sobbing) NOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!!
MITZI: I, like, really can’t stay here! I miss Auntie Ess and the rest of my fambily! They’ve probably already collected the insurance money on me by now…
FUZZYWIG: I’m sure you looked good on the back of your milk carton.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! LOST DOG! NO REWARD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
CHIP: I wish there was some way we could help.
SNUGGLE: Don’t cry, babe! The makeup’s streaking across your pretty face!
MITZI: I, like, can’t help it!!! I want to go home! I need to go home! I……
Suddenly, off to the side of the soundstage. comes the magical sound of………
….bodies crunching under a big green bubble.
MITZI: It’s, like, the Good Bitch!
CHIP: She really needs to watch where she’s driving that thing!
The bubble rolls in front of the gang, and the Good Bitch materializes.
SAGE: So, you fucked the whole thing up, didn’t you?
MITZI: No! It was, like, just a big booboo!!!
SAGE: Uh huh. And I guess you want me to bail your ass out again.
FUZZYWIG: They just let anyone be a Good Bitch these days, don’t they?
SAGE: I should just tell you tough titties and roll my happy ass on back to my magnificent castle… but, no. I think I should let you in a a little secret instead.
CHIP: If it has anything to do with Bruce Willis and The Sixth Sense, don’t tell me! I haven’t seen it yet!!!
SAGE: You’ve had the power to return back to The Shelf since the fourth episode, and didn’t even know it!
MITZI: I did?
SAGE: Those Booby Grippers do more than just control the weather. They also act as a warp zone and make a killer slingshot. All you need is for me to tell you the proper spell.
SNUGGLE: Damn, dude! You’re taking the bitch part of your job title a little too seriously!
FUZZYWIG: Well that’s a fine way to waste ten Fridays I could have been using to get high in real SCT episodes.
CHIP: Why did you wait until now to tell Mitzi about this?
SAGE: Because if I had, Mitzi wouldn’t have learned her lesson.
SNUGGLE: You mean not to trust bitches in skunk costumes?
FUZZYWIG: Well, Mitzi. Have you learned anything from this fucked up nonsense?
MITZI: Um….. well, like…… I guess I did.
CHIP: What did you learn?
Cue DJ Scratchy with the sappy, inspiration music…
MITZI: I learned that home is where the heart is. Home is where I am loved, and where the people I love most can be found. I learned that running away from the place I belong just to try and find something better only leads to more trouble and heartache. I learned that sometimes we just don’t realize how good we already have things. That we can’t always make the changes we want, we can’t always get that dream job, we can’t always fulfill every desire our souls yearn for. I learned how easy it is to step on the toes of other critters going about their business, and the lengths enemies will go to just to settle an unfair score. And I learned that if something it too good to be true, then it probably is. I’ve learned so much on this adventure that will make me a better friend, a better critter, and a better Mitzi!
CHIP: I think you even learned how to speak proper English!
MITZI: I, like, totally did!!!!!!!!!
SAGE: (Yawning) Yeah yeah, that really brought a tear to my eye… unless it was just the bugshit that flew in it. Now that we’ve established I’m cold hearted for a reason, let’s get down to business…
SAGE: All you have to do is grab your breasts three times and say, “There’s no place like The Shelf!”
MITZI: You mean I get to, like, grab my boobies?
SAGE: I think it would be more amusing if your friends helped you out a bit. What do you all say…?
Before Sage can even finish her suggestion, Fuzzy, Chip and Snuggle have gathered around with grabby paws.
SNUGGLE: I knew I’d finally get to use my hands for more than just touching my own parts!
FUZZYWIG: Hey, don’t bogart the mammaries, dude!
CHIP: Geez, whatever happened to the old saying “More than a handful is a waste?”
SAGE: (Snapping a quick piccie of the gang grab) I’m going to so get these three back if they ever run for public office.
MITZI: YAYSIES! Let’s, like, get it on!
The three companions starts squeezing Mitzi’s hooters…
There’s no place like The Shelf!
There’s no place like The Shelf!
There’s no place like The Shelf!
There’s no place like……….
The scene fades out from the foursome and fades in to………
EVIL SQUIRREL: Yeah, that’s beautiful. How many places can post a unicorn filly getting felt up like that and not get shut down these days? (Turns towards the audience) I said this was going to be the finale of this drawn out production last week…. but, yeah, I don’t plan this shit out very well, do I? Naw, I gotta cut it off here before it gets a word count that scares everyone off. And buy another week to think of an actual ending to this damned thing. Hey, you know what? Maybe you can help!
BEARCAT: But we ARE helping Unca Evil!
ES: Not you two, I mean…
ZEEBA: I wanna draw more blood! More blood! Make it GORY! A thousand Busters!!!!
ES: I was referring to our audience out there. Maybe they’d like to offer their fucked up input into a Shelf Critter Theatre story. Howzaboutit? Got a crazy idea for how The Gizzard of Blahs should end next week? Submit your whole or partial ideas before next Friday to my email address found here, and who knows? I just might use your inspiration to help finish off this desecrating monstrosity!
ZEEBA: You’ll be, like, famous and shit!!! (Jumps up and down on the mouse button) BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!
BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!