With the help of her three friends jumping at the chance to unleash the power of the Booby Grippers, Mitzi finds the Land of Blahs slowly fading from her vision as she closes her eyes. And with some crappy, dreamlike teleporting music playing in the background, she awakens to find herself in her own room surrounded by the ones she loves…
SPARKLEPONY: Mitzi, wake up!
MITZI: Huh? Like, OM to the G! I did it! I’m totally back home!!!
RAINBOW DONKEY: And before your curfew, for once.
SPONKIE 1: You musta had a gosh-awful dream while you were knocked out by the Cyclops!
SPONKIE 2: It’s cyclone, moron!
MITZI: But it, like, couldn’t have been a dream! It was so real! Like, totally in techno-color and everything!
SPARKLEPONY: Speaking of which, can we get rid of this goddamn sepia bullshit for my scenes!?!?
SPARKLEPONY: That’s better!
MITZI: Oh, Auntie Ess! I missed you sooooooooo much while I was stuck in Blahs battling bitches and gizzards!
SPARKLEPONY: I think one of those silicone implants you’ve gotten has leaked and gone to your head…
MITZI: We were, like, totally far away in a fantasy land, weren’t we puppy wuppy? Go on, tell Auntie Ess!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I CAN’T TALK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SPONKIE 2: I’m sure it was an awesome adventure, Mitzi!
SNUGGLE: Hey, I heard you missed us, we’re back!!!
SPARKLEPONY: You three good for nothing farmhands missed out on all of the excitement!
FUZZYWIG: Hardly. You haven’t lived until you get caught at the strip club during a tornado warning.
CHIP: I’m pretty sure we were supposed to go to the designated shelter area to assume the position, though…. not on stage with the dancers like Snuggle suggested!
SNUGGLE: Hey, I got me a piece of ass and about $18 in singles as a reward for saving her life!
SHADOW: Greetings critters! I just dropped in to see…
FUZZYWIG: What condition your condition was in?
SHADOW: No. To see if the pink haired girl made it home alright in the storm. Looks like she’s no worse for wear.
CHIP: You don’t know what’s all worn out on her.
MITZI: I am, like, totally hunky Dora! And you and you and you and YOU were all in Blahs with me!
RAINY: Don’t forget me, dear!
MITZI: You mean old wicked bitch! I thought, we like, totally killed you!
RAINY: That’s Miss Gulch to you, hussy! And let me just emphasize how completely dissatisfied I am with my role in this ridiculous production!
RAINBOW DONKEY: The complaint box is behind the barn where we keep the unicorn manure.
RAINY: I was not only outsmarted by a brainless bimbo and urinated on by a mangy dog, but sixteen episodes into this garbage and I haven’t even got to SPRAY anyone!
RAINY: Well, I’ve got a real doozy saved up for you all that even the next tornado won’t be able to clear out of this room! I hope you enjoy this as much as I will…
But before Rainy could kill off every nose in the county with her special homemade aroma, the door flung open and upended the toxic skunk…
CHIP: Oh, shit. We’re in big trouble now…
VOICE FROM THE DOORWAY: You better believe you are!
BUSTER: Do you all have any idea how many times I was killed off in this film?
FUZZYWIG: Not enough, obviously.
BUSTER: I’d tell you how many times it was, but I don’t have the necessary fingers to count that high!
SNUGGLE: You don’t have any fingers at all, dude!
BUSTER: That’s beside the point! Now, I’m obviously not a very happy camper right now… and I’ve decided that you all need a little taste of my own medicine for a change!
SHADOW: You are one possum and we are nine critters strong. You are a fool if you think…
BUSTER: (Evilly giggling) You’re all going to die!
SPARKLEPONY: You and what army is going to accomplish that?
BUSTER: I don’t need an army, just….
BUSTER: A ninja on a skateboard! (Pointing towards everyone) Finish them!!!!
And before you could even say “There’s no place like home”…..
Slice like a ninja, cut like a razor blade…
BUSTER: Wow, that was actually pretty awesome! Hey, now I know why everyone likes watching me die so much! Good work, little ninja on a skateboard guy!
BUSTER: What’s that? You don’t want to leave the job unfinished? I think you’ve spilled more than enough blood for one day, little buddy…. uh oh….
EVIL SQUIRREL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand CUT!!!!
ES: Man, that was beautiful, was it not?
ZEEBA: (Jumping up and down on the mouse button) Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!
BEARCAT: Calm down, silly Zeeba! That’s more Photoshopped blood than fifty sliced critters would spill!
ES: It’s perfect! I do love a happy ending…
ES: I’m sorry, dude, but Sesame Street tapes two studios down the hall from here.
SLIDER: I’m not an actor. My name is Slider, and I’m the politically correct mascot for the Cleveland Indians ballclub. I’m here to blow the whistle on this horribly offensive ending you’ve chosen for this already incredibly tasteless production!
ES: I find YOU to be horribly offensive. For your information, my readers happened to request a bloody ending to this special!
SLIDER: That doesn’t matter. My job is to protect people from themselves, and we don’t need an already traumatized public witnessing gratuitous, senseless, mass violence like this when it’s already in the news every day! You want to encourage this kind of behavior as the new normal? You want to upset people with a trigger warning to mass ninja slicings?
ES: I think my readers are smart enough to separate fantasy from reality, and anyone with namby pamby emotional triggers would’ve run away screaming from Shelf Critter Theatre a looooooong time ago.
SLIDER: Nope, we can’t trust fragile minds to be exposed to such misuse of artistic license. I’m using the authority vested in me by the PC Police to shut this whole production down!
ES: I don’t think you’ll be doing that….
SLIDER: And just who do you think is going to stop me?
ES: (Whispering) Get ready, Zeeba….
ZEEBA: (Jumping up and down on the button like a mad critter) Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!
BEARCAT: Yes! I’m not even a year old yet, and already I know violence is always the answer to every situation!
ES: And now THIS is what I call a happy ending! Goooooood night everybody!!!!
MR FOX: (Stuttering) …………………………………….