TWILIGHT: Class! Please wake up from your unscheduled naps and give a nice round of applause for Lt. Fuzzywig and his drug sniffing dog Fleabag.
FUZZYWIG: What’s up, kiddos? Today I’m going to demonstrate for you all how my police mutt here can sniff out even the most cleverly hidden illegal drugs…
FLEABAG: (Sniffing in Fuzzy’s back pocket) BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FOUND IT! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: No, you fool! That’s…. um…. “evidence” that’s going to be “processed” around 4:20 today. I’ll send you on an undercover assignment to the Chinese buffet the next time you seek out the wrong contraband! Ahem… now, getting back to business. I secretly placed a small bag of MARIHUANA in an unoccupied desk in this classroom a few minutes ago. Watch as my specially trained K9 unit shows off his sniffing skills.
Upon Fuzzy’s command, Fleabag nasally inspects the classroom until he discovers the desk emanating the scent of the The Good Stuff…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! YOU’RE UNDER ARREST! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
CAPER: Oh…. unoccupied desk. Mine, of course. Ha ha, very funny. I really need a new talent agent…
The school bell rings, and like Pavlov’s dog, Fleabag springs into action to subdue the innocent victim…
Miss Twilight’s students run for the exits after the end of another boring class… gruesome mauling of their classmate notwithstanding.
SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Schoooooool’s out forever!
CHILD 2: At least until tomorrow morning.
CHILD 3: Last one to the playground is a rotten acorn!
CHILD 4: (Pushes his little brother backwards) I’m gonna beat you, Pipsqueak!
LITTLEST: No fair! I’m telling Mommy!
The littlest of the five squirrel kids tries to catch up to his older brothers, but out of the corner of his eye, he catches a schoolmate in distress.
LITTLEST: Hold up, miss! I’ll help you pick up those heavy notebooks!
BEARCAT: Awwww, thank you, handsome!
LITTLEST: Handsome? Me?????
BEARCAT: Of course! What’s your name?
LITTLEST: I’ve never been given a name! I’m just referred to in these stories as “LITTLEST.”
BEARCAT: That’s a cute name for a cute boy like yourself! I’m Bearcat!
LITTLEST: Nice to meet you, Bearcat. I gotta admit, you’re pretty cute…. for a girl.
BEARCAT: Aw shucks. You’re such a flatterer….
The two newly discovered friends are interrupted by the juvenile sound of laughs and taunts…
LITTLEST: Oh no! My brothers!!! They think….
KIDS 1 – 4:
Littlest and Bearcat sitting in a tree!
LITTLEST: That’s NOT how the song goes!!!
First comes love!
Second comes marriage!
Then comes 18 years of paying child support for a baby carriage!
LITTLEST: Leave me alone you guys, or I’m telling….
CHILD 1: Telling Mommy that you’re getting it on with the school floozy?
CHILD 2: Oooh la la!!!
CHILD 3: I’ll bet you’re already infested with her cooties!
CHILD 4: Come on, bros! We better clear the area before our little Romeo spreads his coots to us!
The four older brothers laugh and make fun of their little sibling all the way out of the scene…
BEARCAT: Well, you sure have some immature older brothers!
LITTLEST: They’ll never let me play with them now!
BEARCAT: That’s OK, you can play with me instead! Wanna go on a date?
LITTLEST: A….a…. date!?!?
BEARCAT: Sure! We can go to the mall, or see a movie, or eat at Chuck E. Cheese.
LITTLEST: I….. I dunno. I’ve never really…. you know… gone anywhere with a girl before.
BEARCAT: We’ll have a blast! Meet me at my house about 7 this evening!
LITTLEST: But…. I’ll miss Spongebob! Tonight’s a very special episode!
BEARCAT: I’ll totally make it worth your while!
Bearcat packs up her notebooks and heads home, leaving the lovestruck squirrel to ponder whether or not to take his new friend up on her offer…
BEARCAT: Yay, Littlest! I knew you’d come over!
LITTLEST: I am kind of curious how this dating thing works with cootie factories…. I mean, girls. I was researching the practice on my phone, and it said for a first date, I should bring the girl some flowers.
BEARCAT: Aw, you didn’t have to…
LITTLEST: I can’t afford to buy flowers on my one dime a week allowance. But I did pick up something just for you at the lake…
LITTLEST: It’s a live mermaid!
BEARCAT: OMG, Littlest! You are just the greatest!
MERMAID: (Gasping for air) Help me!
BEARCAT: I’m gonna go put her in the toilet tank so she’ll feel right at home. In the meantime, come inside and make yourself comfortable!
Littlest shyly accepts the offer to come inside and has a seat on the big pink sofa…
LITTLEST: Boy this is nerve wracking… in a girl’s house. Away from my brothers. Quit worrying, Littlest… everything is going to be fine and…
ZEEBA: Intruder detected! Time to kick ass!!!
LITTLEST: No!!!! I’m…. uh, Bearcat invited me over! I’m a friend of…
ZEEBA: You know my sis? Aw, fuck, I don’t even care…
LITTLEST: No, NO!!! Help!!!!!
ZEEBA: Yay! I got squirrelback rides!!!
LITTLEST: No, get off of me! You’re crushing my back!
ZEEBA: Are you saying I’m a fatty!?!?
BEARCAT: What are you doing to my boyfriend?
ZEEBA: I’m riding your boyfriend, bitch!!!
BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba, that’s not how you ride a boyfriend! I’d show you, but I’ve heard that’s not appropriate until after the third date. Now please, sis! Go back to your room and work on your possum dissection project.
ZEEBA: ‘kay. But don’t think I won’t be back for another ride sometime, boyfriend!
Zeeba retreats to her room upstairs…
BEARCAT: Now, Littlest. I need to get ready for our date and put on my best Debbie Gibson perfume…
BEARCAT: You just wait here, and I’ll be back…
LITTLEST: You’re gonna leave me alone again with your psycho sister running loose?
BEARCAT: She won’t bother you again, I promise! Now…. don’t you go anywhere!
And so Littlest once again found himself alone, waiting on the couch for his date…
LITTLEST: I guess her sister won’t ambush me this time. I feel better about this…. everything is going to be OK……
MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!! You’re so kyoooooooooooooot!!!!!
LITTLEST: Uh….. who are…. you?
MITZI: I’m, like, Mommy Mitzi! You must be my little Mitzi’s new sexay thang she was totally telling me about after school!
LITTLEST: I….. um…. well….
MITZI: My baby waby is already totally working that charm she got from her Mommy! She is, like, sooooo lucky to have a boyfriend like you! Of course, there’s no reason that Mommy can’t, like, you know…… check out her baby’s toys too!
LITTLEST: M-m-m-m-miss Mitzi? Are you…… trying to seduce me????
MITZI: Oh squirrelly whirly, I like, totally am!!!!!!!
MITZI: The bestest thing about having baby Mitzies is that it totally turned Mitzi into a MILF! My baby grrl might be a cute l’il thang, but her Mommy knows all the tricks and can totally show you a good time!!!
SNUGGLE: (Through the window blinds) Holy fucking shit! This is hot!!!! I’m glad I’m not the only pedo on The Shelf!
The Littlest begins to regret his decision to join forces with Cootie Nation as he finds his new girlfriend’s mother splayed out like a cheap whore in front of him. Thankfully, it doesn’t take very long to put on Electric Youth perfume….
MITZI: Oh…. like, hai baby Bearcat! I was just totally welcoming your new boyfriend to our home!
BEARCAT: Yeah, I saw you had the welcome mat out… what you didn’t shave of it. Mommy… this one’s mine. You can’t have him.
MITZI: Awwww, baby grrl! Didn’t Mommy teach you that sharing is, like, totally caring?
BEARCAT: Me and Littlest are going on a date tonight, Mommy.
MITZI: But Mommy has to, like, work it on the pole tonight down at the titty bar! We’ll totally need a critter sitter for your sister!
A loud rustling is heard outside the window, quickly followed by a knock on the door…
SNUGGLE: Hello, ma’am! I was… well, in the neighborhood and was wondering if you happened to need any babysitting services? I specialize in little girls…. um, watching them, you know! I even have my own candy!
MITZI: Oh, you are, like, totally a dogsend! Come in!!!
BEARCAT: Now that you’ve got Zeeba taken care of, we’re leaving Mommy!
MITZI: Okie dokies! Like, have fun you two kyooties!!! And don’t do anything that Mitzi totally wouldn’t do!
SNUGGLE: I’ll just go ahead and make my way to your daughter’s room then…
MITZI: Awesomesauce! There’s totally some booze in the fridge you can help yourself to. Like, buh-bye!!!
Mitzi exits, leaving her home in the paws of a creepy stranger she just met…
SNUGGLE: Who’s gonna have the best night ever? (Lamely points at himself with both thumbs) This guy!
Three hours later….
BEARCAT: That was so much fun, Littlest!
LITTLEST: We did have a good time, didn’t we? I’m sorry I spoiled the ending to Shelf Wars: Episode 69… I thought everyone had seen that already!
BEARCAT: No worries! You were just excited to be with someone other than your stupid brothers! We really need to do this again!
LITTLEST: Yes please! Maybe next week…. after Spongebob?
BEARCAT: I look forward to it!
BEARCAT: Good night, Littlest!
Littlest is too lost in the afterglow of Bearcat’s kiss to respond. In fact, the lovestruck squirrel is so overcome by his newly found emotions that he never does move from the front of Bearcat’s house and gets picked up along with the garbage in the morning…
BEARCAT: (Walking up to her room) ZEEBA! I’m hoooooooome…..
ZEEBA: Like, don’t tell Mom the babysitter’s dead!!!
SNUGGLE: I’m not dead!!! Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!
ZEEBA: (Bringing the knife closer and closer to the tied down bear’s jugular vein)
BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!