CHIP: Welcome to a very special edition of Shelf Critter Theatre. Not that they aren’t all pretty “special”…
FUZZYWIG: Since today’s Thursday, we’re going to play along with…
CHIP: Um… Fuzzy. It’s Friday.
FUZZYWIG: Really? How do you keep track of stuff like that?
CHIP: Not toking up all of my brain cells helps.
FUZZYWIG: Oh, yeah. Anyway, since today’s Friday, we’re going to play along with Angel Sammy’s poetry challenge which is to come up with a poem based on this photo:
CHIP: So the Shelf Critter Coffee House is going to open up the mic here to anyone out there who might want to share their inspiration. Maybe you’d like to come up with a nice poem yourself, Fuzzy?
FUZZYWIG: Nah, I can’t think of anything to rap about an ant lifting a piece of doggy doo.
CHIP: Uh huh. So, we’re stepping aside and opening up this challenge to all you fine critters who came in to our shop today because someone burned the Starbucks down. The mic is all yours!
Chip and Fuzzywig leave the stage. After some long moments of awkward silence, a couple of young foals step up to the mic…
More awkward silence…
SPONKIE 2: Go on, bro!
SPONKIE 1: I don’t know what to say, sis! You start.
SPONKIE 2: OK…
Here is our ode to the mighty ant
As he toils with his team ‘neath the grass
I stand in awe as I watch him work
SPONKIE 1: Then burn him with my magnifying glass!!!
SPONKIE 2: Bro! That was not cool!
The girl Sponkie kicks her brother’s ass all the way off the stage as our hosts return…
FUZZYWIG: That was beautiful, man. Beautiful. Did you know you can light a joint with just a magnifying glass and the rays of the sun?
CHIP: Useless information is useless.
FUZZYWIG: It’s true, man. That’s why we have Daylight Savings Time to keep 4:20 in the daylight hours!
CHIP: I seriously doubt that. Let’s yield the stage to the next poetic critter…
Hello Mister Ant
Take all food you wish outside
Not from my kitchen!
FUZZYWIG: (Counting syllables on his grubby paws) Haiku. Groovy, man!
CHIP: Wait a minute! Haiku is Japanese, and I thought you were Chinese!
HUNG LO: Hung Lo merely Shelf’s generic Asian stereotype. I do Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.
CHIP: Please don’t expose your sumo moobs to the crowd, it may hurt sales. And speaking of hurting sales…
CHIP: Please stop serving your special dishes to our customers.
HUNG LO: You no like dog sprinkled with chocolate covered ants?
FUZZYWIG: In this mutt’s case, I think piss ants would have been more appropriate.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THEY’RE EATING MY WEEWEE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
Hung Lo returns to the kitchen with his secret recipe as the next volunteer runs up on stage…
ZAC: OMGOMGOMG! This is so totally friggin’ cool! I’m up on stage in front of the crowd! Look at me Mama, I made it! Fame! I’m gonna live forever!!! Yippee!!!
FUZZYWIG: Do you have a poem for the class, or are you just going to pat yourself on the back all night?
ZAC: Right right right!!! Yep, got a poem! A great poem! Sensational poem! The poem to end all poems!
Ants! Ants! Ants!
Holy crap look at the ants!
They’re all over the sidewalk crack!
A thick and squirming blob of black!
Walking an invisible track!
Over a half eaten Big Mac!
Now they’re crawling up my back!
I got the tingles in my nutsack!
CHIP: Are you alright? You look like you’re about to flip out.
ZAC: Totally good! Fine and dandy! I’m alright! Don’t nobody worry ’bout me! Just had a little crappuccino, that’s all!
CHIP: That cup’s three times as big as you are!!!
ZAC: I can drink fifty times my weight in caffeine! Just like the ants! Yep! Yep! Yep! Yep!!!! Gotta run to the potty again! C-ya!
FUZZYWIG: We really need to cut him off at one coffee next time.
CHIP: Oh no, is that who I think it is coming up on stage?
SNUGGLE: (Taps on the microphone) Testes! Testes! One, two, THREE!!! Man, that never gets old! OK, I’mma read some of Uncle Snuggie’s high class poems for you all.
There once was an ant from Nantucket
Who fell in an old mushroom bucket
T’was a poisonous genus
That got on his penis
With no lady ants ’round him to suck it!
CHIP: Holy crap, Snuggle Bear! You can’t be telling rhymes like that in this family establishment!!!
SNUGGLE: Says who? It’s open mic, and I got some goodies even dirtier than that one! Check this out…
There once was an ant chick from China
Whose hand got stuck in her…
SNUGGLE: I ain’t scared of no bouncer!
BIG SCRAT: Good! Because me and you are heading backstage to bounce all of that inappropriate material out of your head!
SNUGGLE: No! You’re suppressing freedom of the arts! Freedom of speech!
Big Scrat drags Snuggle by the tail towards the back room….
BIG SCRAT: There once was a bad bear from Halibut, Who was going to be taking it up in the b…
FUZZYWIG: Now there’s poetic justice for you.
CHIP: I think I’m beginning to understand why I hated poetry in school so much…
BUSTER: Hello everyone! My name’s Buster Possum, and have I got some cool rhymes for you!
I once went on a magical safari
Somewhere deep in the Kalahari
The sun was quite high
Way up in the sky
It was all I could see
Near the top of the tree
As I laid flat on the ground
All my arms and legs bound
Then I felt something runny
The natives doused me in honey
The stings didn’t hurt
At least after the initial spurt
The fire ants from their hive
Came to eat me alive
And with my last breath
I pondered… is this my worst death?
FUZZYWIG: So much for that $500 we paid the Orkin man.
CHIP: Hold still Buster while I get the Raid out of the kitchen!
BUSTER: Nah, don’t trouble yourselves! It’s just the Sydney Funnel Web Spider!
BUSTER: He’ll just liquify my brains within a few minutes and drink them up like a latte. I’m totally fine…
FUZZYWIG: There’s another one for the Dead Poet’s Society.
TROLL: (Dragging Buster away) Awesome! The chef needed more meat for the donuts!
CHIP: Wait a minute! This is a hipster cafe! Most of our customers are vegan!
FUZZYWIG: Eh, people from all cultures love mystery meat. Hopefully whoever’s up next doesn’t fall in the trail of blood since we’re not insured…
CHIP: Wait a minute? You’re next!?!? You’re going to recite a poem???
MR. FOX: ……………………………………………………………..
The audience applauds loudly as Mr. Fox bows and leaves the stage…
FUZZYWIG: Blank verse for the win!
CHIP: I really think we need to shut this down right now…
RAINY: Not until I’ve had my turn!!!
FUZZYWIG: Sorry ma’am, but you can’t bring containers on stage to beg for tips.
RAINY: My precious rain gauge is NOT for tips! I want to perform some profound poetry from one of my idols.
CHIP: Does it have anything to do with ants picking up sticks?
RAINY: I have no idea what it’s about…. but it’s profound poetry, dammit!
FUZZYWIG: So, just who is your idol you’ll be plagiarizing from?
RAINY: The greatest poet of our time!!!!!
Sounds like a litter of cats caught up in a semi truck tire tread fill the cafe and shatter the glass cases at the counter. The crowd reacts to this legendary performance accordingly…
RAINY: Hey!!! Watch where you’re throwing those hard objects!
CHIP: I don’t think there are any fans of Yoko Ono in attendance, ma’am.
FUZZYWIG: Here or on planet Earth.
RAINY: You bunch of unsophisticated heathens wouldn’t know culture of it slapped you upside the head! Here, let me add a little skunkin spice to your lattes…
Rainy stomps off in a huff, leaving the coffee shop reeking of dead skunk.
CHIP: OK, that’s really it for open mic night! The health inspector will have us shut down for weeks trying to get this odor out of here!
FUZZYWIG: Ehhh, it smells like my MARIHUANA Renuzit.
CHIP: Sorry ma’am. Amateur poetry night’s over.
MITZI: Like, what’s poetry? Mitzi only knows of one art form that begins with the letter P!
FUZZYWIG: So why did you come up on stage? There are no free refills on the drinks.
MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally needs to take the homophone!
CHIP: You can’t take our mic! That cost….. um, I can’t even remember where we got it from.
MITZI: You totally don’t understand! This is, like, one of Mitzi’s favorite toys!
FUZZYWIG: I thought it smelled kinda funny…
CHIP: But…. that thing wouldn’t fit in…. your….
MITZI: Oh Chippy Wippy… you know Mitzi’s coochie is built like an ant! I can take, like, things that are fifty zillion times my size in there! Like, let me totally demonstrate!
FUZZYWIG: I’m so glad I didn’t call off with the munchies today…
CHIP: Wait! Stop! You can’t perform lewd acts like this in public! There might be children present! Oh no…. DON’T LOOK EVERYBODY!!!!
The crowd throws different objects on stage this time…
CHIP: This is more money than we’ve made selling overpriced coffee in the last three months!
FUZZYWIG: I told you we got into the wrong business…