SNUGGLE: Dudes! Are you two going to the big New Years Eve bash?
FUZZYWIG: I dunno… it’s a little past my 4:20 bedtime.
CHIP: I’m not much of a party critter, you know.
SNUGGLE: Your loss then. I volunteered to be the designated driver!
CHIP: You willingly decided to be the designated driver!?!? I can’t imagine you wouldn’t be boozing it up at a big party.
SNUGGLE: Dafuq you talking about? I’m gonna get smashed out of my gourd!
FUZZYWIG: A loaded designated driver. I don’t think it works that way…
SNUGGLE: All I gotta do is take everyone home! What does that have to do with not getting plastered?
CHIP: Sigh…. here goes another shitty episode.
SHADOW: Greetings critters!
SNUGGLE: You need a ride home from the shindig too, rabbit ears?
SHADOW: No… I’ve come…
CHIP, FUZZYWIG AND SNUGGLE: (imitating Shadow’s boring monotone) …with an important announcement.
SHADOW: That’s odd… how did you ever guess? Anyway, my important announcement is….
FUZZYWIG: It’s too early in the day for me to be having flashbacks.
SNUGGLE: Dude! You need a new swimsuit calendar! it’s 2019 coming up!
SHADOW: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CHIP: The year 2000 was eighteen years ago!
SHADOW: (Looking down at his important announcement) This has nothing to do with your planet’s outdated methods of tracking time. Let me show you…
SHADOW: As of this moment, the Evil Squirrel’s Nest blog has published precisely 1,999 posts. When this episode of Shelf Critter Theatre goes live, it will be our milestone 2,000th post! That, my friends, is a very important announcement indeed!
FUZZYWIG: It’s important that we’ve wasted 2,000 posts worth of server space?
SNUGGLE: Dude! Are you really looking at the Stats page of a blog? Are you some nutjob, or don’t you know how to find porn on the internet?
SHADOW: Belittle the occasion all you want, but I maintain that this is a joyous moment in our host site’s history…
TROLL: Holy shit! Is it really 2000 again? Damn, I was actually employed at the turn of the millennium! Even if I was only the hand inside that Pets.com sock puppet…
SHADOW: Do you not realize what is happening today? We’re all participating in a landmark post on…
BUSTER: Oh boy! Is this a countdown to New Years party? Will there be noisemakers and fireworks?
SNUGGLE: I’m sure Zeeba will bring some hand grenades.
SHADOW: Silly possum! This is…
BUSTER: That’s really swell! I’ll grab my party hat and…
CHIP: I don’t even want to know what’s going on…
FUZZYWIG: So what killed Buster this week?
TROLL: Y2K bug! Our computers didn’t melt down in 2000, but apparently possums were vulnerable to the millennium rollover!
SHADOW: It is NOT 2000!!! Stop this madness!!!
SCRATCHY: Wow, how totally retro! It’s too bad I donated all my old Ricky Martin albums to Goodwill.
SHADOW: What is wrong with you critters? Are you really that oblivious to the significance of the number 2,000 today?
SCRATCHY: Didja know we’re farther away from 2000-zero-zero now than it was when Prince wrote the song 1999? #TimeGhost
CHIP: Thanks for making me feel really old there, Scratchy…
ZAC: Whoa! Wowza! Holy Bajeebers! 2000! 2K! The big Two-Oh-Oh-Oh! Two thousand and one dalmatians! (The sounds of The Hamster Dance can be heard coming from Zac’s pocket) Ooh!Ooh!Ooh! Gotta take this call!!!
SNUGGLE: Dude!!! That’s the same phone I used to download stuff from Napster on!
CHIP: Sorry Shadow, but you seem to have brought the spirit of the year 2000 with your important announcement today.
SHADOW: I do not find this amusing at all…
MITZI: Like, AOL! Two hund… ummm… Two mill… uhhh… that year is like, so totally ancient!!! Mitzi, like, had a pager she couldn’t even text from then!
FUZZYWIG: Welcome to a rerun of the millennium New Years party, dear.
MITZI: Like, a New Years par-tay!?!? I totally need some new year smoochies then!!!
SNUGGLE: Hey!!! The designated driver always gets the first smoochie!
MITZI: Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear! Like, close your eyes and puckle up!
SNUGGLE: You got it babe!!! And I promise this time only a little bit of tongue!
Snuggle Bear closes his eyes and gets his big, wet kiss….
BIG SCRAT: Surprise, buddy ol’ pal!
SNUGGLE: ACK!!!! I thought I tasted a hairball! Go away you creep!!!
BIG SCRAT: I’m the designated chaperone for the designated driver! I won’t be leaving your side the rest of the night!
MITZI: You two are, like, so totally made for each other!
CHIP: I have to admit, you two make a cute couple.
FUZZYWIG: Yep. They go together like cannabis and brownies.
SNUGGLE: Some friends I have! Let your pal get molested by some queer!
CHIP: Snuggle!!! You can’t use derogatory terms like that these days!
SNUGGLE: It’s 2000! I can say whatever the fuck I want! (Yelps loudly after getting slapped in the ass by his chaperone)
TROLL: I brought some old CD’s from back in the day that were too unpopular to hock!
SCRATCHY: Fucking awesome! Lou Bega’s Greatest Hits! 18 tracks, and they’re all “Mambo #5.”
SNUGGLE: A little bit of Mitzi’s what I need!
BIG SCRAT: A little bit of Snuggle makes me your man!
SCRATCHY: Let’s get this Y2K party started!!!
TROLL: (To Chip) May I have this dance?
CHIP: Fuck off.
FUZZYWIG: I actually feel guilty again smoking this in a time before legalization!
SHADOW: I have no idea how such a hyper-intelligent creature such as myself got stuck meddling in the idiocy that abounds on this stupid Shelf. I think I’ll just quietly teleport out of here and leave these morons in the dark about this blog’s significant achievem…
MITZI: Like, you’re such a studly wuddly widdow Pokeyman for hosting this par-tay for us! Let Mitzi, like, totally show how much she depreciates these good times by showing you a fun time!
SHADOW: Get off of me at once you sex crazed heifer! You are giving me a very strange feeling inside of my Pokeballs, and that hoof is getting entirely too close to my……….. eep!
SNUGGLE: Dude! Wanna trade partners? The designated driver’s supposed to be giving rides, not getting them!!!
MITZI: This one’s, like, totally MINE! MINE!MINE!MINE!MINE!!!!!
SHADOW: Help!!!!!!!! I’m being abused against my will!!!!
TROLL: Sorry buddy, but the #MeToo movement is still 18 years away.
CHIP: Looks like our 2,000th post is going to be just as pathetic as the first 1,999.
FUZZYWIG: Why should this millennium be any different from the last one?
TROLL: Happy Old Year!!!!!!!!!!