The 2018 Sandy Awards!

Welcome one and all to the most anticipated awards show on all of WordPress!  It’s time for Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s seventh annual presentation of The Sandy Awards!  The Sandys are a New Years tradition here at The Nest in which we honor the best, funniest and most fucked up search terms that brought real internet users like you and me to the welcome mat of my blog!  If you’d like to read up on the fascinating history behind this overbloated awards show, or just want even more laughs than you’ll get today by checking out past search term roasts, then check out this page dedicated to the only awards show that honors Google users who need to remain anonymous for their own good!

We have another most excellent show for you this year!  Along with the presentation of the 2018 Sandys, we’ve also rounded up some of the best F-list entertainment chump change can buy!  River Girl will showcase a wonderful ten billion photo slide show of her most recent vacation, Ghostmmnc will search for historic relics among family keepsake boxes, and Draliman will team up with Zeeba to spin off the Buster Death Advent Calendar into a 2019 Page-A-Day!  Fun for the whole family!

Alrighty then!  Boring intro out of the way, now we’re just a brief explanation of the rules away from all that glorious search term goodness you came out of your champagne induced coma to partake in!  Over the past 365 days, I’ve recorded the most interesting search terms from my stats page that apparently led people to my blog.  I divided those terms into the usual nine categories, and will present all of the runners up along with my usual snarky commentary and canned laughter.  At the end of each category, I’ll award a Sandy trophy to the winning search string from that group.  For the grand finale, I’ve saved what I think is the bestest of the bestest search term, which will live on in infamy as the Best Search Sandy of 2018.  Clear as Mississippi mud?

All of the bolded terms below were really, truly, honest to freaking goodness entered into a search engine somewhere in the world and somehow brought that person to a page on The Nest.  No matter what some world leaders might say, there are no #FakeSearchTerms to be found here.  You really couldn’t make some of these up with even the most demented of imaginations!  OK, let’s kick this thing off so we can hopefully finish before the 2019 Sandy Awards show starts.  As usual, we’ll start with the things that 24/7/365 access to smartphones sometimes cause us to ponder at random moments…

There are burning questions, and then there are just dumpster fires like these questionable queries…

is soloflex still in business? – Sure.  But like the expensive exercise equipment they sold to insomniacs on late night TV, they’ve since been reduced to a place to hang your laundry.

1 800 collect can you find it in your heart? – Nope, you can only find it in the part of your brain that still remembers a time when there used to be payphones.

Operator? I’d like to make a collect call to The 90’s!

who is responsible for building a drey for squirrells? – Under the Land Rights Act of 1869, all US property owners are responsible for housing squirrels on their land.

Lazy humans always subcontract the work out to the squatters, though.

is coke bad for squirrels? – It didn’t do Charlie Sheen any harm, so why not let your squirrels snort a few lines…

why is labor day evil? – Because it literally translates into Working Day and nobody fucking works that day!!!

Well…. almost nobody.

are squirrels active near sundown? – Hmmmmm, let’s see.

Nope.  They all seem to have fallen asleep…

is the rice a roni commercial evil? – Only if The San Francisco Treat® is made up of real San Franciscans…

what is the term for when you only survey one profession? – Professional discrimination

does florida have a night squirrel? – I don’t know, but I know just who we need to look into this…

The original CSI: Miami is on the case.

And the award goes to…

what does a mother squirrell nipple look like? – It looks the same as a father squirrell’s nipple, only full of milk instead of full of fat…

Here, I took off my four bras just for you!

I’d show you mine, but I’ve had “work” done…

Now that we’ve wet your whistle for absurdity, let’s move on to the late, great Robin Leach’s favorite category…

Time for more proof that fame does indeed have its downside…

weird al yankovic squirrels – After what he did to weasels, I want Al to stay the hell away from squirrels!

george costanza zuiikin english – I knew I couldn’t be the only one who thought that was Jason Alexander moonlighting on shitty Japanese TV programs

Even Kramer never tied a pair of panties around his head….. I think.

telly savalas lake tahoe – Not unless he’s auditioning for the remake of Weekend At Bernie’s.

john candy wearing chaps – For anyone out there who doubts that the internet’s Rule 34 is valid, here is evidence that somebody out there was searching for a picture of John Candy wearing fucking chaps…

john candy girl – I can only hope that 25 years after I die, there will still be enough searches with my name in it for two of them to somehow stumble upon the same crappy squirrel blog…

The man, the myth, the legend…. wearing chaps!

And the award goes to…

jimmie walker is a douche – Sounds like someone can’t handle all that DY-NO-MITE!!!

You go with your bad self, douchebag!

Let the Good Times roll…

Now it’s time for the category that will have all grammar nazis on high alert…

The Sandys staff never gets sick of these word crimes…

selsun blue left a cooling deeling – No, I just think you left it on your scalp too long and it seeped into your brain…

is squirrel lucky if wander into house

Confucius say: Squirrel who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

squerel at night
are sguirreks out at night – Only to prey on bad spellers in their sleep…

squirrel with utters – The only big boob around here is the one who can’t spell.

are finger links evil? – Fingerlings are absolutely evil… and for once, I’ll overlook the misspelling of a stupid overpriced toy.

For $15 a pop, you’d think they’d give you a handjob too.

And the award goes to…

who made a potatoe that glows when it needs water – I can now die a happy squirrel.  Former Vice President Dan Quayle paid a visit to my blog in 2018!

Ah, the good old days when our politicians’ stupidity was actually funny.

You, Senator, are no Sandy Squirrel!

It’s time to put on our blinders as we take a tour through these scenic virtual eyesores…

The mental picture these search terms will be painting will not be a happy little Bob Ross work…

beer commercial gave him a six pack – Nobody has ever gotten a six pack from sitting on the couch watching beer commercials…

fat elvis sweating – Who wouldn’t have wanted to lick the back of this stamp had it been the winning design in that infamous 1993 contest?

Though had it existed then, I would have wrote this image in…

toilet eating photos – See, not everyone would want this image banned from The Nest…

Toilet Cereal Man rules!

japanese armpit

Who am I to judge?

michigan squirrel poop toffee – Dammit!  “squirrel poop toffee” won the Sandy for this same category in last year’s awards show, and now we apparently know where to find this atrocity.  Sometimes ignorance really is bliss…

Though if the auto industry completely fails, maybe this can be Detroit’s new industry.

And the award goes to…

the nest throne room – No.  Really, you don’t want to see the place I go to do my business and think up new ideas for this blog…

It’s even dirtier than my mind is… and both get clogged up.

Please remain back at least 100 feet from The Nest throne room.

Let’s move on and look at the sciurine inquiries that amazingly were redirected to a squirrel blog…

These squirrel related searches are all just a little bit nuts…

are squirrels late night active – Sure.  You can even find them in the Taco Bell drive thru at 1 AM seeking out fourth meal…

why squirrels getting bald – Hey, even squirrels get old and start losing their hair…

Sy Sperling, not only the president of The Hair Club For Squirrels, but also a client.

are squirrels awake at night – Yes, just like the rest of the neighborhood because your fucking dog won’t stop barking its head off!!!!!!

squirrels are lucky or not – Have you ever heard of a squirrel claiming a nine figure Powerball jackpot?  No, they’re not particularly lucky…

if a squirrells teats are black is she nursing – If they’ve turned black, then she must have given birth to a litter of Hoovers…

squirrel nuts big green

Big, yep! Green, hell no!

30 squirrel songs – Let me know when this compilation album gets made…

squirrel walks into a bar – What is this, some kind of joke?

I’m gonna eat all the beer nuts if you don’t mind.

why do squirrels tails stay fluffy even when wet

Does my tail look fucking fluffy to you, moron?

And the award goes to…

are squirrels ok with being wet – Well, Mr. Squirrel?

No fucking comment!

When I say I refuse to do shower scenes, I have a damn good reason for it!

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign!  Even in the Sandy Awards…

Thanks to The Nest’s look into the zodiac four years ago, we can still witness the fault in our searchers’ stars…

libra fucking in 2018 – There are already more Libras among us than any other zodiac sign.  Do we really need to make more of them?

libra women are evil – Only because they’re not fucking you in 2018, loser.

pisces kraken?

Yeah, that’s me. I’m seeking a Scorpio Mermaid, or someone who is into tentacles.

taurs men asholes – They’re not being assholes.  You deserve to be ridiculed for your lousy spelling.

honey badger aries

You think I care about my damn horoscope? I go out and fuck shit up regardless of what Sydney Omarr says!

And the award goes to…

why is capricorn fucked up – Because nobody ever buys Capricorn anything for their birthday since they were born too close to Christmas…

Beat it, Capricorn! There’s nothing extra in my bag for your greedy ass!

This award is both your Christmas and birthday gift. Enjoy!

Predictably, the show is unexpectedly running way over schedule, so we’ll have to scrap the planned speech by Mr. Fox and get right on to the next category…

Like everyone associated with this blog, there’s something about these searches that’s not quite right in the head…

downy bear

snuggle bear's playing for the wrong team!

Dude! It’s Snuggle! See, Snugg… wait, what the fuck is this shit!?!?

caddyshack squirrel

Take it easy, pal! I know you’re a gopher even if some idiot with a cellphone didn’t.

picture of squirrel with a middle finger – Good luck since squirrels only have four fingers on each paw…

squirrels nest and white stuff from tree – I really don’t want to know what your squirrel is doing up there…

i hate big butts – You’ll never have a hit song with that attitude…

Kiss it, hater!

i am trying to spare my kids

Mama Squirrel understands how your frustration.

will mentos kill squirrels – I don’t know, but they might die laughing if you show them an old Mentos commercial.

gato microwave – Take Sylvester out of the microwave right this very minute, Speedy Gonzalez…

Thufferin’ thuccotash!!!

And the award goes to…

im a fucking possum – Hey, that’s great.  Way to wear your possum pride on your pouch there, marsupial.  Don’t be ashamed of your heritage just because your species is nasty, ugly and smeared all over the road…

Yay for fucking possums!

I’m a fucking statue!

Before we get on to the final two categories of the night, let’s take a moment to recognize these search terms that didn’t quite fit in with any of the cool categories…

the twilight xone answering machine – I think most voicemails already end up getting banished to another dimension…

test it make sure it’s alright – If only the builders of the Titanic and the Hindenberg had considered this sage advice…

It’s alri…. oh shit!

possum face – I love that Lady Gaga song!

Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my possum face!

christmas song sung by the wolf and the mouse – Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than the one sung by those chipmunks…

Now that that’s out of the way… it’s time for The Sandys to get their freak on!

Let’s see what fine, upstanding internet users were searching for this year with their one free hand…

how many tits does a gray squirrel have – A lot.

And they’re 100% real, baby!

squirrel dick – Probably larger than your boyfriend’s…

horny pikachu – Hey, he just wants to catch ’em all, too…

kool aid man porn – I dunno… there’s something about crashing through the girl’s bedroom wall that just kills the mood.

Thankfully, Mitzi’s mood is unkillable…

ducktales webby pantsless – Cartoon ducks are already pantsless!  Only the mice have to wear britches…

suppository girl – I don’t want to know how she got this nickname…

And the award goes to…

fucking a miss piggy plush – For Christ’s sake, have some goddamn self respect and just get a blow up doll if you need to get off that bad!  Stop porking piggy plushes!

Isn’t it wonderful to know you have fanboys out there, Miss Piggy? Um, Miss Piggy? Something wrong?

If there’s someone out there into screwing gold statues, please don’t let me know.

Hopefully you’ve stayed awake this long, because it’s time for our final category!  And always a crowd pleaser…

These searches make about as much sense as Kim Kardashian giving a quantum physics lecture.  As always, if you have any idea what these people were actually looking for, please keep it to yourself!

look at his actions and decide – This sounds like the title of Donald Trump’s autobiography…

roadkill drawn incest toons – The family that plays in the road together gets run over together…

mr. sewer rat

I don’t think they were looking for this guy.

mad bomber huts – These are easy to find… just look for the exploding tiki torches.

i want a squirrel without a porno condom

wtf

wolf dog in montana – Check with the lion cat in Wyoming.

dust squirrels nest – Make the squirrels dust their own nests… they’re not that lazy!

And the award goes to…

medical mystories evil apples – I wouldn’t get too upset about that health issue since the last time an evil apple put someone into a coma, that story ended happily ever after…

I don’t know, ma’am. Let me check with WebMD before I eat that.

Always consort with your doctor before eating evil apples.

And now ladies and gentlecritters, it’s that time!  We’re going to make some poor schmuck’s careless web search go viral!  It’s time to honor The Nest’s best search term of the year!

Yes, someone’s hard work and diligence in creating a supremely fucked up search term is going to pay off handsomely by going down in Sandy Awards lore!  This is it, folks… the search string that The Nest’s esteemed panel of judges and other assorted idiots deemed to be the most awesome of the entire year!  It’s the Best Search Sandy of 2018!

And the winner is………..

drum roll

Drum roll please, Hottie…

is grimace always fucking? – Look, we know what you’re thinking.  A giant purple monster shaped like a buttplug has got to be such a freaking studmuffin that he’s probably getting laid more often than McDonald’s actually gets an order correct.  That seems obvious given Birdie’s noticeable limp and the mystery behind where all those weird Fry Guys came from.  But even a sex machine like Grimace needs to take a break every once in a while from adding his tartar sauce to every Filet O’Fish that comes strutting his way… especially so he can enjoy his secondary hobby, eating small children.

Plus, it helps cut back on the amount of child support that gets garnished from his paycheck.

Sorry Grimace, not interested. It’s Hamburglar that makes me go robble robble!

And…. that’s a wrap!  Yes, the show is finally over.  You can all stop pretending to watch while looking at your Facebook feeds and politely applaud now.  We hope you enjoyed The Nest’s annual look into the weirdness that shows up on our stats page, and look forward to seeing you again next New Years Day with a whole new batch of internet insanity!  Let’s hope 2019 is another banner year for fucked up search terms at The Nest!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to The 2018 Sandy Awards!

  1. OMG. I can’t stop laughing. I know about a squirrel walking into a bar but the rest of them…squirrels with utters! This is so absolutely nuts. “im a fucking possum.” Priceless.

    The weirdest search term I ever had was “vampire having sex with a monkey on his knee.”

    • That would have definitely been a contender for the Most Preverted Award, if not Best Search. I am so incredibly lucky to get such weird search terms here… especially in these past few years where so many get encrypted. I remember six years ago getting 3-5 search terms per DAY, and that was when I didn’t have much content to draw on. I’d have thousands of them to choose from each year if they all showed up… and boy what a show that would be!

  2. draliman says:

    People innocently type their screwed up search terms in, thinking they’re lost in the ether only for them to be meticulously gathered up and poked fun at…
    Some good ones in there! But enough of this, I’m keen to begin my “Buster everyday death calendar” collaboration with Zeeba.

    • It would be funny if someone happened to come by here and recognize one of theirs. Particularly one of the ones I gave an award to. Then I would have people pestering me wondering where their gold trophy is. Maybe I would just send them a copy of your calendar as a proxy…

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    I can’t miss this award show. It starts the year off right.
    Happy New Year.

    • My features may come and go on this blog, but the Sandys are my absolute favorite thing to write up each year. I already can’t wait to put together next year’s show, and I’m glad a lot of other people enjoy it! Happy New Year!

  4. Most excellent… if slightly disturbing… list.
    And get ready! I’m leaving for a 2 week trip soon which means at least 2 months worth of vacay posts when I get back!

    • In seven years of collecting my search terms, I’ve definitely seen some things. I actually think this year’s list was a bit tamer than normal. Nothing will ever top 2014’s winner… “can you make a tooth pick from a possum penis.”

      Yay on more vacay photos. Can you just feel my anticipation in the way I wrote that?

  5. The best awards show I’ve seen in – well – since last years’ Sandy Awards! I have to say, this got me interested in checking out my search terms and they are beyond boring. Nothing even remotely pornographic or even slightly borderline weird. Obviously I’m just not trying hard enough to keep our blog attractive to the same segment of society that loves the Nest! Dang!

    Pam

    • I don’t know why I seem to attract the extremely weird stuff. Some of these I literally can’t see how they wound up matching up with anything I’ve posted before (though with over 2000 posts now, maybe it’s just slipped my mind). I’ll bet you’d have to have a few weird ones that contain the word “dingleberry.” And most of them wouldn’t be from people looking for sexy lunch ladies…

  6. ghostmmnc says:

    Those were some of the funniest search questions ever! Many snorts, giggles & laughs from me while reading them. You really put the awards post together great, too.
    Thanks for the mention…happy to be a part of the entertainment portion of the show. 🙂

    • I always write the post up over a few days between Christmas and New Years. It takes a lot of time, but it’s seriously my most favorite thing to write up every year! The search terms never fail to crack me up…

  7. The weird here never ceases to amazes me.

    • It would seem even weirder if you saw the full list I worked from. I seriously had almost ten searches that had to do with squirrels boobs! I wouldn’t have all this weird without all the weird people out there!

  8. Trisha says:

    It’s disturbing how many people are interested in squirrel tits! But not as disturbing as someone searching for someone fucking a Miss Piggy plushie. And Grimace? Why would anyone wonder that? This was a hilarious post but I probably shouldn’t have read it right before bed. I’d better not dream about Grimace….

    • I can not be held liable for any reader who experiences nightmares of Grimace fucking a Miss Piggy Plush. Hopefully you will have sweet dreams of something like Zeeba skewering Buster over an open fire instead…

      • Trisha says:

        Thankfully, I didn’t have any sex dreams, about Grimace or anyone else. Zeeba might like to hang out with me in my dreams because I do murder someone every once in awhile. Not as often as I have affairs with odd partners though, which was why I was worried about Grimace. He seems like the type my dream self would be attracted to! Lol!

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