Classy Girls

One of the ideas for a new feature I’ve been kicking round for the new year is based on last year’s Contest of Whatever theme where I challenged Nesters (A term Arlene coined in a recent comment!) to come up with something inspired in some way by a group of images I’d randomly selected off Google.  So this is my attempt to start something I call Random Image Inspiration as a new regular Wednesday series where I’ll pull up a random picture from the net and challenge myself to create something based on it.  Most random image generators I found have a small selection of generic stock images, and that wasn’t what I wanted.  I wanted the entire library of everything ever uploaded to the internet (or at least what Google has access to) at my disposal!  So I’ll use a modified version of the same method that selected the infamous CoW pictures…

Very inspiring indeed…

Each week at some time, I’ll pull four random numbers from the generator on Random.org.  One from between 1 and 20, and three more from between 1 and 100.  The first number will be used to determine which post from my WordPress Reader I’ll use to cull two search words from.  The second and third numbers will correspond to which words I’ll use from that post (I’ll wrap back to the beginning of that post if it doesn’t contain enough words for the count).  And the final number will determine which search result from Google Images I use as the inspiration image from typing those two words into the search.

Let’s try this out!  Here are the four random numbers I was given:

19, 90, 80, 65

The 19th post in my Reader at the time was this one by ghostmmnc.

Word #90 in that post is “what”

Word #80 in that post is “them”

Typing “what them” into Google Images turned up this as the 65th result….

MRS. WARTNOSE: Now class!  Who can tell me who is buried in Grant’s Tomb?

ASHLEY: (Furiously waving her hand) Ooh!  Ooh!  I know Miss Wartnose!

MRS. WARTNOSE: Mary!  Do you know the answer?

MARY: (Barely looking up at the teacher as she pulls her earbud full of emo music out of her ear) Sigh.  Grant?

ASHLEY: That’s our 18th President General Ulysses S. Grant, Mrs. Wartnose!!!!

MRS. WARTNOSE: Very good, Ashley.  It’s always refreshing to see some people in this class actually read their assignments.  Mary, you should follow the example of your deskmate.

Ashley turns towards Mary, closing her eyes and beaming the most smugly superior smile her mouth full of expensive juvenile dental implants can muster.  Mary just sneers and flips Ashley off behind her back.

MRS. WARTNOSE: Mary.  You seem to always have such a terrible attitude towards learning in this class.  Is everything alright at home?

MARY: This class is a joke Mrs. Wartnose!

MRS. WARTNOSE: MARY!

MARY: I’m serious!  This is third fucking grade and Einstein’s energy equation and the Pythagorean theorem are on the blackboard!  Just because Miss Goody Two Shoes here knows all this shit doesn’t mean the rest of us eight year olds are ready to learn it.

ASHLEY: Mrs. Wartnose!!!!!  (pointing) Mary said a wordy durdy!!!!

MRS. WARTNOSE: I heard it as well, Ashley, and will summon the P.E. teacher and his boat oar to deal with this appalling behavior after class.  Now Mary.  Let’s see if you can somewhat redeem yourself and point to the country of Lesotho on the globe.

MARY: Point to what on the what?

ASHLEY: I know where it is, Mrs. Wartnose!!!  (Ashley spins the globe around and points to a small, landlocked country in South Africa)  There’s Lesotho, Mrs. Wartnose!!!

MRS. WARTNOSE: Very good, Ashley.  I’ll add another gold star by your name on the honor roll.  Mary!  Why could you not point out Lesotho on the globe?

MARY: Mrs. Wartnose, I was born in 2010.  I don’t know what a fucking globe even is!

MRS. WARTNOSE: If you don’t pay attention and succeed in class, Miss Mary, you’re going to end up working on the streets as a prostitute.

MARY: (Rolls her eyes and blows her bangs back with a puff)  Big deal.  My mother’s a prostitute and my gramma’s a stripper.  At least they make more than minimum wage.

ASHLEY: Mrs. Wartnose!!!  My mother is the CEO of Ragtime Sanitary Napkins, Incorporated and my grandmother is a former First Lady and Duchess of Massengill!

MARY: (Muttering under her breath) Yeah, and your father was a rabid pit bull/doberman mutt who escaped from the pound.

ASHLEY: Mrs. Wartnose!!!  Mary is bullying me!!!

MARY: I’m going to string you upside down by that long hair in the boys restroom and let them use your mouth as a cootie urinal.

MRS. WARTNOSE: I’ve heard just about enough…

The snarly looking P.E. instructor opens the door with a boat oar in hand…

MRS. WARTNOSE: (Pointing towards Mary’s desk) Right over there, Mr. Armpit!  That young lady needs some butt time with the board of education!

Mr. Armpit drags the naughty schoolgirl out of the class by the hair.  She kicks and screams and protests and begs and pleads the whole way to the gymnasium where five loud swatting sounds suddenly echo throughout the schoolhouse, each followed by agonizing screams of pain.

MARY: Thanks for doing me that solid, Mrs. Wartnose.

MRS. WARTNOSE: No problem, Mary.  I can’t stand that snotty little bitch either…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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16 Responses to Classy Girls

  1. Arlene says:

    Oh, Thank you for the mention! I have never coined a term before that was taken seriously! I guess that is what I think of the loyal followers and readers of your blog. It has a nice ring to it, “Nesters” We are here to stay and build our own little nests inside the big Evil Squirrel’s Nest. I don’t know something like a dorm or apartment building type thingy. Oh, we could have floor parties, and pot luck suppers! Oh, us crafty Nesters could handle the decor.( I am currently working on a toilet floor rug.) The options are endless!!

    • You would have fit right in with all the crafty Nesters I used to have. A few of the characters in Shelf Critter Theatre (including Buster) were made by the knitters who used to follow me. Sadly, none of them have been active in blogging for a few years now…

  2. Bwahaha. Nice twist on dealing with random insufferability. Happy New Year and good luck with this latest bout of creativity.

  3. ghostmmnc says:

    This is such a fun idea! And to think, I got another mention on your posts! Thanks so much!
    Love the story you came up with, especially the ending! Interesting what photo came up on google, and you did so good with it. 🙂

    • With how often you post, you have a better chance than others of having the post I choose my search words from! I was surprised with the variety of pictures that came up with those two weird search words, and was pleased that the 65th one was something that practically told a story in itself. I came up with the twist ending at the very end while trying to think of a way to finish, and figured it was perfect for my sense of humor!

  4. If only that had happened in one of MY classes. it sort of did, once, when some non-snotty bitch (not me, sorry) hung a sign out the art class window saying “Help” We are being held prisoner in the Art Room.” Principle (the one packing the 45 on his hip came in and swore to find the offender. After he left, art teacher falls on the floor and doesn’t stop laughing until several days later.

  5. Oh yes indeedy this is a definite winner of an idea for creative posting. Not that you ever needed help with that of course – proof may be find of that on Tuesdays on Teddy’s blog with the tour of world prison faciltiies you’ve initiated. Can’t wait to see the next round of random – it promises to be a lot of fun for we “Nesters” !

    Pam

    • I’m sure they won’t all work out as nicely or as perfect as this one did, but…. who knows. I just know I’m in trouble if one of my key words ever ends up being “Dingleberry”…

  6. draliman says:

    I love to see deserving people get what’s coming to them. Personally I was only dimly aware that Lesotho was a country and not a capital city or something, so I feel Mary’s pain…

    • I only know about Lesotho and its whereabouts because its landlocked within South Africa state was the subject of a $1,000,000 question on my favorite game show back in the day. Ashley wasn’t even born then, so she must actually study or something. Well worth getting punished for…

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