Pictured above is the newest edition to The Shelf. I scooped him up out of the claw machine at the Mecca entrance while picking up prescriptions literally one hour ago, joining Big Scrat in the very small group of critters I’ve won via the world’s biggest vending ripoff. This Valentine’s Day themed raccoon says in multiple places that he was made in China, thus fitting in with the fake Chinese zodiac theme of my title. His expression is a bit weird, and he looks like he has one of the worst cases of critter cameltoe in existence (perhaps he’s a she?)… plus he can’t sit up without support, making it unlikely he’ll be appearing in many episodes of Shelf Critter Theatre (should I actually start making SCT stories again).
Oh well, he’s certainly another unique addition to The Nest’s fine collection of crazy critters…
FUZZYWIG: Well well, look what the squirrel dragged in… another raccoon. Lovely. You know, only Snuggle Bear can get away with the fruity ear tag fashion statement. I guess it’s going to be up to me to show you the ropes around here… I don’t want you giving us cute little coons a bad reputation. But first…
FUZZYWIG: …Good stuff! It’s our little 4:20 ritual around these parts. Go ahead and take a nice big puff and hold it in, you know you want to…
RICKY: Nooooooo!!! Don’t do it, brother raccoon! The wacky weed is truly evil, and it is up to I, the most pious critter on the Shelf, to keep all new members from succumbing to such sinful temptations!
FUZZYWIG: Gee, I forgot not all of us raccoons at The Nest are actually cool. Don’t listen to this square Jesus freak. Have yourself a toke… it’s God’s plant after all.
RICKY: I will pray for your soul, O Nameless One…
Uh oh. Looks like our new critter’s already found himself at the center of one of The Shelf’s fucked up good vs. evil tug of wars. Whatever will he do?
FUZZYWIG: Dude! That was either one hell of a hallucination, or The Flash just swooped by and carried off our newbie.
RICKY: It was probably lightning from Above that missed it’s intended target raccoon.
FUZZYWIG: Whatever. I wonder what happened to him….?
MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!! You are so KYOOOOOOOOT!!!! And you totally have pwetty heart tramp stamps all over just like Mitzi does!!! I like you! Wanna do it?
So, Nameless Newbie Raccoon… what do you think of your new home, The Shelf?
I think he likes it….