Lowering The Bar

SCRATCHY: …so the crowd at the club wanted me to play some 80’s dance music, and I flipped on this Alyans record I picked up at a rummage sale for chump change last week thinking it was some cool shit.  Man, I got run off the ones and twos by the angry mob and they nearly burned the place to the ground!

TWILIGHT & APPLEJACK: Smoooooooooooke on the waaaaaater!

SCRATCHY: Hey, you bitches are pretty cool!  What’s got you so silent, Looney?

LUNA: You mean besides insipid stories of your incompetence?  Maybe that red light in my face over there.

SCRATCHY: Red light?  You sure your horn isn’t growing the wrong way?

TWILIGHT: Oh look!  We’re ON!!!

AJ: Howdy y’all Sugarcubes!

LUNA: Why are you turning around, Scratchy?  Camera shy?

SCRATCHY: Nah, I’ve always wanted to moon everyone!  Kiss it, peeps!

TWILIGHT: If we’re actually being recorded for an episode of Shelf Critter Theatre, then that must mean…

SCRATCHY: Wait for it…..

SHADOW: Greetings, ponies!

LUNA: What could possibly have brought our least favorite Pokemon out of his pocket dimension in the month of February?

SHADOW: I have an important announcement, of course!

TWILIGHT: Could it possibly be the Contest of Whatever?

AJ: I’ll bet it’s the Contest of Whatever!

LUNA: Another completely irrelevant Contest of Whatever plug…

SCRATCHY: Survey says….

LUNA: Exactly how hard would it be for you to at least make a new card?

SHADOW: I believe in going green and recycling props!

TWILIGHT: The only thing you’re recycling is this stupid gag of yours!

SHADOW: It is NOT a stupid gag!  The Contest of Whatever is a very important part of The Nest’s culture.  It helps nurture and cultivate the creativity of our followers.  And I must help to promote it every chance I get to ensure it remains a success.

SCRATCHY: Success.  I don’t believe that word means what you think it does.

SHADOW: As always, I want to show the audience of this fine blog out there just how easy it is to create your own entry for the contest.  This year’s theme is “A squirrel walks into a bar.”

LUNA: Well, there happens to be no bar on this stage, so I guess this episode’s over… and not a moment too soon!

SHADOW: You ponies have such little imagination.  Just watch as I conjure up my Umbreon magic…

AJ: That was so cool!  It’s too bad the viewers out there can’t see what goes on between these pictures.

TWILIGHT: Alright, so there’s a bar.  It doesn’t look like anything’s going on in there.

SCRATCHY: There isn’t even a jukebox to play some old cryin’ country song.

LUNA: Or you know…. any patrons.

SHADOW: Patience, fillies.  Patience…

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?  How did I get here?  I feel like Howard the Duck getting sucked out of his living room by some bad science project!  Oh well, I see booze and that’s making me thirsty.  Bartender!  What’s the house special today?

BARTENDER FOX: …………………………..

SNUGGLE: Whatever, just give me a shot of your strongest shit!

SNUGGLE: (Picking up the shot glass) Down the hatch!

And right back up the hatch….

SNUGGLE: That was some fucking nasty shit!  An expired bottle of Old Crow doesn’t taste that bad!  What in the hell was that!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Looks like straight water to me.  It ain’t tasted the same since that dead possum fell in the water tower last week.  I’ve got just the medicine to get that bad taste out of your mouth. though…

SNUGGLE: Is it good stuff?

FUZZYWIG: You could say that.  Pretty potent too.  420 proof.

SNUGGLE: I’ll think about it.  Hey, where are the chicks in this bar anyway?

SNUGGLE: Ah, there’s the babes!  Any of you fine little ponies want to help me handle my dryer balls?

LUNA: I’m afraid we’re not your type.

SCRATCHY: Yeah, as in desperate.

AJ: I dunno, girls, I’m looking for a male friend.

TWILIGHT: Don’t do it, AJ!  They don’t give penicillin shots to horses, they just take us out behind the barn and shoot us!

SNUGGLE: Aw, there’s plenty of room for all four of you in the back of my windowless van!

LUNA: Alright, Mr. Imagination…. do something to get this creepy ursine off of us!


MITZI: Is, like, this barspool taken?

SNUGGLE: It sure isn’t!  Have a seat toots and let me buy you a drink!  Bartender!  Something sweet for the babe here!  And none of that shitty tap water!

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?  Stag beer?  Really?  Does it look like we’re shooting this scene in a trailer park?

MITZI: (Pops the top) Mitzi, like, totally doesn’t care!

Mitzi chugs the can like a champ and then crushes it on her forehead.

SNUGGLE: Holy shit, girl!  Marry me!!!!

MITZI: Are you gonna, like, put a ring on it?

SNUGGLE: Put a what on what?  Uhhhh, maybe I was a little hasty…

LUNA: I have a feeling this scene’s about to turn NC-17.

SCRATCHY: Or Rated X for EXtra fucked up…

TWILIGHT: Wait a minute!  The theme was “A SQUIRREL walks into a bar!”  We’ve got a bear, a unicorn, a fox, and a raccoon.  Where’s the squirrel!?!?

AJ: Yeah, Sugarcube!  No squirrel, no valid entry!

SHADOW:  Tsk, you have absolutely no sense of dramatic build-up.  I’m getting to that part right…… about……… now!

BIG SCRAT: I finally got past Level six billion in Acorn Crush, and I feel like celebrating!  Drinks for the house!

SNUGGLE: Goddammit!!!  Why?  WHY!?!?!?!?

BIG SCRAT: Hey there, cowboy! (Slaps Snuggle on the back with the force of a piledriver)  How’d you like to help me whoop it up tonight?

SNUGGLE: Noooooo!  I mean, I can’t!  I’m with… this…

BIG SCRAT: Ma’am, is this bear with you?

Snuggle fiercely nods his head at Mitzi to signal that he needs help…

MITZI: Oh, he totally isn’t!  He, like, doesn’t want to commit to ol’ Mitzi…

BIG SCRAT: Wonderful!  Then that means you’re free for me to pick up!

SNUGGLE: Mitzi!!!  Look, I’ll buy you a huge rock!  I’ll go through a hundred Cracker Jack boxes to find one if I gotta…

BIG SCRAT: (Pulling Snuggle away from the bar) Come on, dude!  Let’s go ride the mechanical bull together!!!

SNUGGLE: Wait!!! NOOOOOO!!!!  I didn’t think this was THAT kind of a bar!!!!

BIG SCRAT: YEEEEEEHAWWWW!!!!  Isn’t this fun?

SCRATCHY: I gotta hand it to you, Umbro.  You’ve got a pretty wicked imagination in that radioactive noggin of yours.

LUNA: I do love seeing a fresh dose of karma handed out.

TWILIGHT: For the second year in a row!!!

AJ: Aw man!  I wanna ride the mechanical bull too!  I can last eight seconds!

SCRATCHY: I’ll bet Big Scrat can make Snuggle last a lot longer than that…

SHADOW: See how easy it is, folks!  Play this year’s Contest of Whatever before the end of the month, and show off your creative juices to the world!

TWILIGHT: (Looking towards the bar) Speaking of juices…

MITZI: (A little tipsy…. er, tipsier than usual) I’m gonna, like, totally do some Coyote Ugly on top of the bar!  Is that okey dokie with you mister foxy woxy bartender?

BARTENDER FOX: ……………………..



About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to Lowering The Bar

  1. Quirky Girl says:

    Bartender Fox is adorable… but shouldn’t he know better than to serve someone of such questionable character as Snuggle Bear? That’s always a recipe for disaster…

  2. If Bartender Fox can serve Mitzi who is about as questionable as they come, why not Snuggle the B-Man. Yep – it’s all go in that bar….on a scale of ONE to TWO I’ll give you a 1.5 for the entry! I knew you couldn’t resist entering your own contest.


  3. Ally Bean says:

    “No squirrel, no valid entry!” Boy oh boy, it’s like you actually have standards for this contest. Who would have thought?

  4. Nobody else stands a chance!

  5. draliman says:

    Hey, everyone knows that proper procedure during an Alyans record is to sit in stony silence except for one guy who bops along and is immediately arrested after the show…

    • That guy is probably in his 50’s now, and is still singing along to his favorite pop idols. And all that movement is probably the only thing keeping him warm where he is now…

  6. This is nuts. And yes, CONTEST OF WHATEVER!

  7. I’m still trying to figure out the whole Pokemon phenomena. 🤔

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