FUZZYWIG: Good morning all of you kind people who tuned in expecting to see Bozo the Clown spray seltzer down some unsuspecting kid’s pants…

MITZI: Oooooooh, how kinky!!!

FUZZYWIG: If you really thought this was your television….. man, you must have been smoking the same stuff I was last night.  No, this is a blog, and today is the day Evil Squirrel’s Nest presents all of the official entries in the 2019 Contest of Whatever.

SNUGGLE: I should be out getting plastered and picking up chicks right now!

FUZZYWIG: At seven in the morning?

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  The school buses will be coming through any minute, and….

FUZZYWIG: OK, that was awkward.  Better get on to the business at hand before the cops bust in.  This year’s contest asked players to come up with something based on the line “A squirrel walks into a bar.”  Eleven bloggers entered the contest this year, which means that the judges…. that would be Mitzi, Snuggle and yours truly, will be working a lot of unpaid overtime today offering our unasked-for, snarky opinions on each of these fine submissions.

MITZI: I’ll bet they’re all just totally amazeballs!  Can someone, like, read them to Mitzi?

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I dropped out of school after third grade because I didn’t want to do fucking homework anymore!

FUZZYWIG: Tough shit.  Now, let’s get this show on the road before our 4:20 break time hits…

Below you will find links to all eleven submissions for the Sixth Annual Contest of Whatever.  The order each entry is listed in was drawn at random, and will be used Sunday to determine the random drawing winner.  If you haven’t done so already, please check out each of these wonderful entries that were created by bloggers like YOU!

Entry #1: “Meet Norbert” by Merbear

Norbert the squirrel was having a bad day.  He lost his job.  His wife ran out on him.  He decides to drown his sorrows at the local watering hole, where he meets the sultry Stella… and then later her accomplice Ricky Raccoon.  Yes, Norbert’s bad day is about to turn shitty…

MITZI: It’s, like, so much fun to pick up on widdow kyootie wooties at the bar like Norbert!  But Stella, grrl!  You, like, totally gotta go easier on the mens than that!  Next time, you can tag along with Mitzi.  Mitzi will show you how to, like, totally got your groove back!

SNUGGLE: Hey, something like that happened to me once or twice!  Woke up one morning without my right kidney.  Another time it was my liver.  Picked up the same chick the next night and lost my spleen.  Oh well, I still have my balls so at least they didn’t take any important parts!

FUZZYWIG: Norbert, dude.  Introverts don’t go to bars.  That’s why God created MARIHUANA.  It’s the stay at home way to forget a crappy day…

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Entry #2: “Dyslexic Squirrel” – by Jenn

A dyslexic squirrel walks into a bra.  Game, set, match.

MITZI: OMG!  I, like, totally remember the day a squirrel totally walked into Mitzi’s bra!  He was soon joined by a kitty cat.  And a great dane.  Then this kyoot elephant snuck in there.  And….

SNUGGLE: Damn!  I let my fingers walk into some random chick’s bra, and I get bitchslapped and tagged with #MeToo!  This squirrel’s got some cojones, let me tell you!  I wonder what it smells like?

FUZZYWIG: I think we’ve all been there.  Dyslexics of the world untie!  I’ll never forget the time I pass, puff, puffed.  I was wondering why I never got a buzz…

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Entry #3: “Vlad’s Vampire Diary of Cuteness” – by Juliette

Vlad and his friend Randolpho head up to Donner Lake and walk into Bernard’s Bar… which is full of cute (mostly) and somewhat familiar characters from this squirrel’s past.  Of course, even the squirrel who walks into the bar knows who the cutest one of all is…

MITZI: Like, Mitzi totally remembers those grrls!  Angel and Red!  Not everyone can, like, call MBRS “Red” and get away with it.  But Red and Mitzi, we’re like (tries to cross her glittery hooves together) THIS!  And Vladdie Waddie!  867-5309, kyooootie!  Mitzi, like, totally likes to nibble during sex-ay times too!  Nom nom!

SNUGGLE: Oh, I’m sorry…. I didn’t recognize anyone from that play.  Was I supposed to?  Just a bunch of no good, has been, never wases now that Snuggle Bear’s in da nest!  And Vlad…. dude!  Guys are NOT cute!  That is NOT a compliment!  You better watch out, ‘cuz the next time you get called cute, it might be by a giant sabretooth squirrel knocking on your back door!

FUZZYWIG: I remember a party like that where everyone changed into critters at the end.  That was the day I swore off of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds forever…

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Entry #4: “A Squirrel Named Chaz” – by Ally Bean

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times for Chaz the squirrel as he walked into a bar and was immediately confronted by the ghost of Charles Dickens past.

MITZI: lolwhut?

SNUGGLE: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh……. where were the boobies?

FUZZYWIG: Since my other two judges in arms are illiterate and uneducated, I guess I’ll be the one to offer up an intelligent critique on this masterpiece that samples from some of the classic works of 19th Century author Charles Dickens…

SNUGGLE: Dude!  You sat in the back row of class stoned out of your gourd half the time!  Don’t pretend like you’ve read any of that Dickens shit either!

FUZZYWIG: I read the Cliff’s Notes.  That counts…

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Entry #5: “C.O.W. Unveiled” – by Melanie

Squirrellena, in her best Tammy Faye Bakker makeup, visits the bar at The Nest to introduce one group of fucked up critters to another group of fucked up critters.  Stoned bears, cute unicorns and conveniently named piglets ensue…

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMG!  They’re all so kyooooooooot!!!!  Slutty Bear and Mitzi could, like, totally be BFF’s forever!!!  Grrl, you got it going on!!!  Wanna do it?

SNUGGLE: Hey, the Shelf Critter Theatre contest was two years ago!  Not that I’d ever be worried a fine, handsome actor like myself would ever lose his job… but I don’t appreciate the sneaky attempt to audition for Evil Squirrel!  And Slutty Bear!  Put on some drawers!  Oh, wait, you can’t because I’ve got your panties under my pillow!  Sweet dreams are made of this…

FUZZYWIG: I think we’ve just found who should be the new set designer for Shelf Critter Theatre.  I’m tired of appearing in front of blank walls with the warning tag from child strangling blinds ruining my scenes.  Let’s turn The Nest into the psychedelic shack…

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Entry #6: “Gnutty McSquirrel, Private Dick” – by Draliman

Gnutty McSquirrel walks into a bar and gets propositioned by a potential client.  Featuring the world famous DraliDoodles™  I dare you to keep a straight face reading this tribute to immature and inappropriate humo(u)r…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally got moisturized reading the gripping scenes about nut eating and organ cleaning!  Mitzi’s hungry now!  Like, got any sloppy seconds?

SNUGGLE: I got expelled from school once for a creative writing assignment I turned in that was just like this one.  The teacher smacked my ass with a boat oar and told me I’d never get anywhere in life with a mind like that!  I coulda won the Contest of Whatever with mad skillz like that!  Fucking bitch!

FUZZYWIG: Guys named Richard never go by the name Dick anymore.  I wonder why?  I’ll bet Mike Hunt knows the answer…

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Entry #7: “The COW Place” – by Ghost

A squirrel walks into a bar and doesn’t quite get the drink he asked for.  Chaos ensues.  Just ask Ray Stevens…

MITZI: Awwww, c’mon, squirrely whirly!  All nuts are, like, good nuts and have that nice salty taste that makes Mitzi’s mouth, and other parts, totally water!

SNUGGLE: I dunno… dropping nuts into glasses of booze.  Sorry, that just makes me think of teabagging.  Not my thing, yo!

FUZZYWIG: Hickory Daiquiri Doc, the roach ran up the clock.  The clock struck 4:20, which would be really weird if that happened… so might as well light one up.  Hickory Daiquiri Doc…

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Entry #8: “We All Have That One Friend” – by Mandy White

Silas the squirrel runs into his “friends” Reggie and Chelsea Chipmunk at the bar and after a long run of bad jokes, imposes on them for a place to stay.  Somehow, they can’t refuse their stinky friend… but order him to take a shower.  After which it’s revealed that Silas is a very special squirrel indeed…

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, done many shower scenes in her career with critters like Silas who totally have a bad case of OB.  Lucky for Mitzi, all of the botox I’ve gotten in my pwetty face has, like, totally killed off the old factories in my nose!  And skunk porn actresses, like, totally make boocoo money!!!

SNUGGLE: Dude!  Make the guy take a bath in tomato juice!  That shit takes the skunk off of anything!  Even a skunk, I’d guess…

FUZZYWIG: If you don’t have friends like this, then you are THAT friend.  So I’m told anyway.  I won’t say where I stand on this issue…

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Entry #9: “Freddy And Wilma” – by Pam Kimmell

Freddy the squirrel decides to hit up the bar after a hard day on the job before heading back home to the wife and kids.  Then a beautiful female squirrel enters the bar and site down right next to the family squirrel.  Where will things go from here?

MITZI: Mitzi totally likes how many floozies have walked into bars in this contest!  It’s fun, to, like, never pay for drinkies in your life!  Mitzi is a little jealous that she doesn’t, like, have a big, fwuffy tail she can wrap around her curvalicious body!  Good thing there’s always, like, plenty of possum furs available on the Shelf…

SNUGGLE: Freddy, dude!!!  I got news for you.  Your wife’s a fucking stalker!  Answering those texts every ten minutes wasn’t enough, was it?  No, she had to follow you to the damned bar so you couldn’t even get a drink in peace without a chaperone!  I hope the sex is worth it…

FUZZYWIG: I think they wrote a song about this once where a guy and his wife hook up in a bar.  I think it involved pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.  Most 70’s songs are perfect to break out the bong and blacklight pictures for.  That wasn’t one of them…

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Entry #10: “A Tale Of Two City Animals” – by Ruth

A squirrel walks into a bar… and the bar falls and hits a fox in the head.  For fox sake, what’s going on here?

MITZI: Poor widdow foxy woxy!  Like, come here and let Mitzi totally kiss your booboo better!  There we go!  Now, are there any other places you need Nurse Mitzi to, like, make feel better with her tongue repressor?

SNUGGLE: Hey, that’s a fine fox there!  Reminds me of what Grampa Bear used to tell me about it being hotter than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire!  That’s an experience I can cross off the ol’ bucket list!  Hey, don’t knock it till you tried it dude!  Smokey the Bear can kiss my ass…

FUZZYWIG: I find myself frequently walking into bars, lampposts, steamrollers.  My excuse was that I was stoned.  Not that I was too busy reading my Facebook feed to watch where I’m going…

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Entry #11: “A Squirrel Walks Into A Barre” – by Janet Blue

A poetic squirrel offers up his epic lament of having to tolerate the rudeness he experiences from the local cat while waiting for the bartender to show up…

MITZI: Mitzi just doesn’t understand why critters of all different spices can’t totally get along and luv one another.  Mitzi just wants to luv  and luv and luv on everyone!  And maybe, like, kinda get in their pants too…

SNUGGLE: So I’m thinking, dude!  That’s not how you spell “bar!”  So I whip out Google and type in “barre” and….. holy fuck!!!  YOGA PANTS!!!  This entry gets one thumb up, WAY UP, from Uncle Snuggie, if you know what I mean!

FUZZYWIG: This is kinda how I feel about the local Narcs.  Who do they think they are anyway, the fucking police?  Oh, well I guess they are…

FUZZYWIG: So there you have it… the field for the 2019 Contest of Whatever.

MITZI: Yaysies!  These stories were all so totally awesome possum!

SNUGGLE: Eh, they coulda been better.

VAL: You’re telling me…

VAL: How come I didn’t get to be a judge?

FUZZYWIG: Because we’d like the players to not be offended enough to click the Unfollow button.

VAL: Bunch of namby pamby asskissers.  Next year, I’m gonna be critiquing this garbage… and I’ll be melting more snowflakes than climate change.

Tune in Sunday to find out which two of our eleven participants will be declared the winners of the Sixth Annual Contest of Whatever!!!