The Huntress

Wednesday is the day every week that The Nest sorts through the internet’s virtual photo album to pick out an unsuspecting picture that will inspire greatness…. or maybe mehness.  It’s time for the next thrilling edition of Random Image Inspiration!  RII finally has its own dedicated page under my blog’s header, where the secret and stupid formula we use to find the featured image can now be found!  Let’s see this week’s set of random numbers…

3, 94, 70, 40

The third post in my Reader was this one by Jenn’s Midlife Crisis

Since that post contained a whopping 43 words, I had to wrap around once and then twice to find my key words.  But boy did they turn out random…

The 94th word in that post is “takes”

The 70th word in that post is “we’ll”

Putting “takes we’ll” into Google Images turned this up as the 40th result….

Under cover of the night, a lone Army assassin made her way through the brush to a mansion hidden deep within the jungles of Belize.  Intelligence believed it to be the current hideout of Dr. Nope, the mastermind behind some of the world’s most deadly terrorist attacks of the past decade.  All four branches of the military had sent their finest, bravest, and most elite top secret commandos into the Central American wild to put an end to Dr. Nope’s reign of terror.  None of those soldiers were ever heard from again.  Mankind’s last hope against the evil genius set out on taking over the world was a young woman barely in her 20’s who’d earned a reputation as one of the Army’s most berzerk fighters… known now only by the code name Agent Z.

Few top secret missions are done by the book… but even what constituted the book for such a daring undercover operation was going to be thrown out by Agent Z.  She didn’t follow orders well.  She was a wildcard’s wildcard.  None of her superiors quite knew what to do with Agent Z’s unpredictable behavior and were about ready to get her off her hands with a dishonorable discharge before the commander over Special Ops volunteered to take her in.  Where the Army brass saw a problem soldier, the commander saw a lpure, unbridled killing machine…

And kill Agent Z did.  She didn’t bother trying to sneak into the compound.  Where was the fun in that when it was so much easier to just come storming through the front gate, machine gun blazing, laying waste to the pathetic guards Dr. Nope had entrusted with his safety.  Outnumbered 20 to 1, Agent Z hit each sentry with a blast of bullets before they even knew what was going on.  When the last guard fell from atop the tower and split his head wide open on a rock below… Agent Z took a moment to survey the carnage she had left behind.  With a satisfied smile, she kicked in the front door to the residence and went seeking her target…

Just because the guards on the front line had been taken out didn’t mean Agent Z’s mission was completed, or that she was even out of danger.  Two guards at the kitchen table saw her pass by and reached for their weapons.  But they never stood a chance.  Agent Z made both of their heads explode into a goopy mess just like the TV dinner one of them had heating up in the microwave.

Agent Z encountered four more guards armed with cue sticks playing a friendly game of pool.  I don’t know if the blood will ever come out of that felt…

Another guard in the hallway.  BLAM!

Two more guards standing on a ladder trying to screw in a light bulb in the chandelier.  “Now I know the answer to that eternal question!” Agent Z shouted as the riddled the two full of holes and shot up the chandelier just for the hell of it.

Another guard in the bathroom with a plunger!  Agent Z mowed him down like the dog her was.  Actually, he may have just been the Roto Rooter man… but he picked the wrong day to not call in sick, dammit!

As Agent Z made her way deeper into the compound, she spotted a possum who was trying to flee the scene through a heating vent… but had gotten stuck ass end out.  She shot it in the butt just because it was a damned possum…

Agent Z finally came to a door with a nameplate that read “Super Secret Office Of Dr. Nope.”  This must have been the place!  The two guards in front of the door were no match for Agent Z by this time… the bullet holes behind where they’d been standing oozed blood as Agent Z kicked in the door.

There was the most feared man in all of the world… the infamous Dr. Nope.  Sitting at his desk playing Candy Crush.  The evil doctor immediately pointed his phone at the intruder which was rigged with a deadly laser he could fire by just clicking the app… but the day belonged to our heroine Agent Z, who spent the remainder of her infinite ammo blasting the scourge of mankind into a pile of bloody sinew.

Upon exhausting her firepower, Agent Z finally dropped her gun and removed her helmet…. shaking out her sweaty, purple hair.  Mission accomplished.

Agent Z would be recognized as a hero for what she had done.  Tales of her bravery would dominate every documentary on The History Channel for years to come.  But Agent Z didn’t care about the recognition she would get.  Nor did she particularly care that she’d just effectively saved the world.  No, she looked around at the bloody aftermath of what she had wrought upon what had once been a bastion of global terror with a very satisfying smirk… almost bordering on giddiness.

Agent Z got out her phone.  She had to call her mom and tell her about this!  And her sister, the one who always thought she was silly.  How proud they’d both be of a girl they honestly didn’t think would amount to anything given her natural tendencies…

After all these years, Agent Z had found her calling.  She could have been a dentist, but rogue army assassin worked out quite well for her.  She couldn’t wait for the next mission where she got to totally kill everyone!

Well done, Agent Z!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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13 Responses to The Huntress

  1. This was fabulous….for a minute I forgot I was NOT reading a novel and was totally caught up in the moment. Somewhere about 2/3 of the way through I kind of had this tingle of an idea that Agent Z might be someone FAMILIAR……indeed she was – Zeeba, Queen of Blood!! Well done – definitely A+ material. 🙂

    Pam

  2. and the tv channels bored us with james bond to death last night… we want agent z and not just oo7

  3. We hope Buster stayed under the bed.

  4. Loved it! Especially since it’s Halo Night ( or Overwatch Night) with Big Guy who also reads your blog. He told me I was playing like Agent Z and I had no idea what he was talking about, but I was too busy shooting to ask. Lol

  5. draliman says:

    Yeah, screw the story, it’s all about the massacre! Sorry to hear about Buster’s ass, though.

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