Enter The Dragon

STEVE IRWIN’S COUSIN: (With an overdone Australian accent) Crikey!  Would you look at those crazy wallabies runnin’ ’round in circles!  They seem to be under the influence of the opium in this field!  Let’s go take a closer look…. crikey!  Look at the teeth on that cutie! (CHOMP!)  Oi!  He got me right in the jugular!  Nah, mate!  Don’t call for medical help!  Keep filming this, this is amazing!!!  (CHOMP!) Aiiiee!  Me nuts!!!!

FUZZYWIG: I’d love this show even if it didn’t come on at 4:20…

VOICE: Whatcha watching?

FUZZYWIG: The Crock O’ Shit Hunter.  It’s pretty….

Fuzzywig turns around…

FUZZYWIG: Wonderful.  That’s the last time I buy my good stuff from that weird sloth down the street…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HERE THERE BE DRAGONS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Wait, you see him too?  Well, the good news is that I’m not having a flashback to my acid days.  The bad news is that somehow a fucking dragon just wandered into our house.

DRAGON: I mean you no harm, sir.  I’m new to the Shelf and just wanted to check in on my neighbors.

FUZZYWIG: So of all the critters on this shelf, you chose to visit me.  Lovely.  I guess you’re Puff the Magic Dragon.  I don’t mind sharing my stash with a fellow reefer…

DRAGON: Nah, that was a long time ago and I worked hard to get clean.  After kicking my MARIHUANA addiction, I had my name legally changed from Puff to Pass.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! PASS THE DRAGON FROM THE LEFT HAND SIDE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Damn, there goes the last of my childhood idols.  Well, it was nice of you to drop in to see what condition my condition was in.  So long…

PASS: Are those crackers?  After all these years, I’ve still got a case of the munchies…

FUZZYWIG: Ummmmmm, sure.  Go ahead and make yourself at home.  Private property apparently isn’t much of a concept where dragons come from…

PASS: Say, could you be a chum and hand me some of those crackers?

FUZZYWIG: Are you serious?

PASS: Yeah.  They gave me short arms for some reason.  You know, dinosaurs and dragons… people get us confused all the time since there aren’t many of either of us left.

FUZZYWIG: This critter can’t be for real…

CHIP: Hey there, Fuzzy!  How’s life treating you these days?

FUZZYWIG: Chip, can I ask you something?

CHIP: If you want to borrow five bucks again, you’re gonna have to pay back the $6,900 you already owe me first.

FUZZYWIG: Nah, I’m good this week.  But tell me…. do you see anything….. odd around here?

CHIP: Can’t say that I do.

FUZZYWIG: You don’t see a big purple dragon sitting in my living room eating all my crackers?

CHIP: I do see that, but I don’t find that particularly odd.  Before I came to the Shelf, I would have definitely found the sight of a cracker eating dragon to be strange…. but here?  That’s the status quo.  Well, I’ll be seein’ ya, Fuzzy.

Chip exits…

FUZZYWIG: I sure hope you’re potty trained, because I don’t scoop my dog’s poop and I sure as hell ain’t picking up dragon turds…

TINA: OMG!!!  It’s Barney!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Where?  I don’t want that bastard in my Fruity Pebbles again…

TINA: It’s Barney the Dinosaur!  I used to watch him all the time when I was in preschool!

PASS: I get that a lot, but that’s OK, I like to cheer kids up.  Want me to sing my “I Love You” song?

TINA: NOOOO!!!  I fucking HATED your show!!!  You suck, and I’ve wanted to kick you in the balls for a long time!!!

Tina digs in her hooves and begins charging at “Barney,” but is stopped by a call from the door…

SNUGGLE: Yo, princess!!!  C’mon, we’re gonna be late for our date!

TINA: Oh?  Where are you taking me in your windowless van this time, Unca Snuggie?

SNUGGLE: To the Teletubbies On Ice show, of course!

TINA: YAY!!!!  I hope Tinky Winky falls on his ass again and breaks his tailbone!!!

Tina runs out the door with her designated prevert for the night, sparing the dragon’s nads…

PASS: I haven’t had a close call like that since the day Sir Mix A Lot tripped on that can of Spam while invading my lair and skewered himself on his own sword…

BUSTER: Hiya, everyone!  Hey, who’s your new friend here, Fuzzy?

FUZZYWIG: Eh, just a big purple winged dragon who followed me home.  Nothing special.

BUSTER: Say, he’s quite a specimen there!  Nice to meet you, Mr. Dragon!

PASS: (Talking through a mouthful of crackers) The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Possum!

Pass puts one of his stubby arms to his green underbelly…

PASS: Urgh.  I think I need to……

BELCH!!!!

PASS: Oh, excuse me!

FUZZYWIG: No worries there, dude.  That’s another square Buster can cover on his bingo card of death…

“Hail To The Chief” begins to play on Scratchy’s offstage turntable…

FUZZYWIG: Oh boy, a dragon and a President in one day.  My living room must be more special than a short bus.  Care for some humble pie?

UNCLE SAM: This isn’t a social call, son.  I’ve been tracking an illegal alien that somehow infiltrated my beloved Shelf, and…

SAM: AHA!!  There you are!  How in the hell did you get through my brand new wall I just built around our border?

PASS: (Flaps his wings) Gee, Mr. President, I have no idea.

SAM: I guess we’re just gonna have to shut everything down until I can get the funding to make it even higher then!  You’re coming with me now to the deportation station!  Troll!!!  Haul this foreign scumbag to the holding cell!!!

TROLL: (Grunting and groaning) I….. errr….. I can’t move him, sir!

SAM: Why in the hell not!?!?

TROLL: Because I think he weighs a few tons or so.  I’ll go commandeer a crane from a construction site…

SAM: (Checking phone) Nevermind that now, I’m late for an important diplomatic meeting down at the massage parlor.  Let’s go, chauffeur!  (Pointing to Pass) I’ll be back for you later, you deadbeat dreamer!!!

FUZZYWIG: (Watching Sam and Troll leave out the door) Mama said there’d be days like this.  She also told me not to come to that party, then I found her passed out on the floor…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! DAFUQ!? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Took the word right out of my mouth.  And where did our scaly companion go?

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!  You are so KYOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!

PASS: Oh dear, and here I thought unicorns were just mythical creatures!

MITZI: Like, the only thing not real on Mitzi is her boobies!!!  Wanna touch?

FUZZYWIG: I’d take a video of this and put it on YouTube, but I’ll bet there’s already thousands of uploads of a dragon and unicorn mating on there.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! TRIPLE X THROWDOWN! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: So…. what did you think of Mitzi the Dragon Layer?

PASS: With her “appetite,” I’m not sure how her race went extinct….

FUZZYWIG: Probably just missed an ark somewhere along the line…

SHADOW: Greetings, critters!

FUZZYWIG: I knew I shouldn’t have bought this crib when I found out it was built on an old nuclear waste dump…

SHADOW: I popped in because I’ve heard vicious rumors that there is another creature on this Shelf that claims to be magical…

PASS: I guess that would be me.

SHADOW: A dragon!?!?  Please.  I could out-magic an oversized lizard like you with both ears tied behind my back.  Watch me pull Jimmy Hoffa’s body out of this hat…

PASS: Meh.  Can you do this?

SHADOW: Did you just……… lay an egg!?!?

PASS: Yes, we dragons are kinda known for that.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THE INCREDIBLE EDIBLE EGG! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: I think you just got one-upped there, Pikachu.  And apparently Mitzi has some equipment she’s been hiding from us all this time…

SHADOW: Hmph!  I’m not going to stand here and be humiliated by a male with ovaries!  Goodbye, fools!

Shadow the sore loser disappears in a puff of smoke…

Moving right along…

FUZZYWIG: Sorry, Wang.  But you can’t have any of my crackers.

HUNG LO: Hung Lo was summoned here to pick up dog for sale.

Fleabag leaps behind the chair…

FUZZYWIG: Oh yeah, that’s right.  I got the mutt… um….. somewhere around here.  I hope I’m getting top dollar for these canine carryouts…

HUNG LO: Hung Lo always pay top…… oh my!

HUNG LO: Hung Lo hasn’t had authentic dragon meat on buffet since Boxer Rebellion!  Forget dog!  How much for dragon!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Ehhhh, I don’t know if the dragon’s for sale…

HUNG LO: Will pay $10,000 for dragon!

FUZZYWIG: SOLD!!!  C’mon, Puff.  Come meet your new butch…. er, master.

PASS: Sorry, this dragon is not for sale.

FUZZYWIG: I really need that jack, dude…

PASS: But, this dragon also doesn’t want to become a daddy, so….

Pass slides the egg he just laid over to Hung Lo.

HUNG LO: Hmmmmm.  Will make dragon omelette with this.  (Puts a dime on Fuzzywig’s coffee table)  be back for dog next Tuesday…

PASS: This is why we dragons like to stay hidden from humans who only see us as an exotic commodity.

FUZZYWIG: I guess it’s a good thing I’m all fat and no meat.

PASS: We’re not just hunted for food.  Dragons are murdered for their valuable scales, our magical teeth, our wings are used as spare parts for jets.  And have you noticed how many products these days are made from dragon’s blood?  Where do you think that all comes from?

FUZZYWIG: Blood, did you say?

ZEEBA: Time to make a smelly fragrance out of your life essence!!!!  Dragon’sBlood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!

ZEEBA: (Hauling off with fifty pints of Pass’s blood) I’m gonna be fucking rich!!!

PASS: This is the worst head wound I’ve had since St. George cracked my skull with his shield.  Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any aspirin handy, would you?

FUZZYWIG: Eh, I don’t think so.  But I do plenty of pain relief medication on hand….

PASS: (Inhaling) Well, so much for all those decades of rehab.

FUZZYWIG: Eh, just sit back with John Lennon and Imagine, dragon…

FLEABAG: (Sniffing the good stuff) BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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11 Responses to Enter The Dragon

  1. Just when we think things couldn’t possibly become more “unusual” on the Shelf……..they do. Pass will fit right in – obviously Mitzi has designs on him and then there’s the blood-hungry Zeeba who has probably ordered a whole truckload of mason jars from Amazon so she can store that dragon’s blood for sale. Gosh……the excitement just never lets up!

    Pam

    • Unfortunately, I think Mitzi and Zeeba are working to opposite ends. I’m pretty sure Mitz would prefer Pass’ blood stays in his body, lest certain things may not work correctly!

      I won the dragon out of the claw machine at Mecca this morning and it was a wonderful inspiration for a story on a Friday where my muse was once again empty…

  2. Wait a minute … What happened to the opium? I was just getting warmed up. On opium jazzed bite and I figured the whole shelf-a-doodle gang would be floating around in their very own cloudy poo. But instead, they are slaughtering dragons? What’s the matter with these critters?

  3. draliman says:

    And now there’s a dragon! Poor Buster, he’s the most cheerful, most polite critter on the shelf.
    You should include a bingo card for spotting all the song references…

    • I think Buster secretly enjoys his job as Shelf martyr…

      Fleabag may be more knowledgeable in the music department than DJ Scratchy is. I didn’t even realize I’d given him so many song references in this story until you pointed it out…

  4. Oh boy…a new misfit, er character for Shelf City. This should be interesting.

  5. Quirky Girl says:

    Ooh, a new critter! How exciting! As long as nobody else mistakes Pass for Barney, I’m sure he’ll be fine.

    • I have a feeling there are too many young adults who grew up with Barney who are going to want to exact some revenge on a lookalike. Pass the Tragic Dragon just looks too much like that tormentor of PBS past!

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