UNCLE SAM: Damn the torpedoes! The Shelf’s treasury is down to its last million bucks. Looks like it’s time for me to put my vast executive powers to good use and collect some more taxes! Not too much…. just enough to bleed every critter on this Shelf dry. I’ll need to conscript a sidekick to help do my dirty work…
SAM: Well, if it isn’t another pork barrel project coming over from Congress. You’ll do, pig.
SAM: I need you to grab that bucket there and help me collect taxes from the constituents.
HAMMY: But this bucket says “TEXAS” instead of “TAXES.”
SAM: Haven’t you ever heard of the phrase “close enough for government work?” Enough squealing, let’s go steal from the poor and give to the rich!
And so the Shelf President and his porcine aide set out to collect what is rightfully not theirs…
SAM: Good day, citizens of the Shelf! I’m here to make your tax burden just a little more burdensome. Pay up.
RAINBOW DONKEY: But Mr. President, we’re just a working class family struggling to make ends meet…
SPARKLEPONY: Oh please, you haven’t worked a day in your life, Rainbow Donkey!
SAM: Save the excuses for your cellmate in debtor’s prison. Your hard earned money in the bucket…. NOW!
SPARKLEPONY: Don’t do it, dear! We don’t owe any…
RD: That’s all I can spare.
SPARKLEPONY: Any cow tippers out there want to take a shot at my hubby, because he’s the biggest pushover in the world!
SAM: This isn’t even close to your share, Pointy Head! You better throw in some more of your assets!
RD: OK, fine, sir…
SPARKELPONY: HEY! What are you doing!?!? Let me out of here!!!
RD: You should be able to get top dollar from the glue factory for my old nag.
SAM: Well played, son! I’ll consider your debt paid…
SPONKIE 1: But what about Mommy!?!?
RD: What about her?
SPONKIE 2: Daddy!!! You can’t let them take Mommy away!!!
RD: I’ll let you and your brother stay up til 11…
BOTH SPONKIES: Bye Mommy!!! Have fun at the glue factory!!!!
Sam and Hammy haul away Sparklepony and sell her off to be made into slime. Then it’s off to the next victim’s house…
SAM: Is that what I think it is?
FUZZYWIG: That depends on what you think it is.
SAM: I don’t have time for games, son! Did you pay your rightful taxes on that MARIHUANA?
FUZZYWIG: You mean the 420% sin tax you charge down at the dispensary? Uhhhh, yeah, sure. If you say I did.
SAM: This doesn’t look like it was grown by one of our government approved cannabis farmers! The quality is too good. You will pay your tax on this weed or be arrested for possession!
FUZZYWIG: Gee, what a bad time to be poor. If only I had some way to make a little jack in a flash… (turns and looks at Fleabag)….
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FILE AN EXTENSION! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SAM: I’ll save you the trouble and sell this mangy mutt to the Chinese buffet myself, keeping 150% of the proceeds.
Hammy nudges Fleabag into the collection bucket.
FUZZYWIG: Well, this turned into a glorious day after all. My taxes are paid off and now I can smoke my dope in peace and qui…
FUZZYWIG: Hey! Come back with my good stuff you pot thieves!
SAM: NOW you’ve paid off your tax debt. And provided the “refreshments” at my next Cabinet meeting…
ZAC: OhMyGod! It’s the Prez! The POTUS! Hail to the Chief! This is awesome! Can I have your autograph? I think I have a stiffy!
SAM: I’ll wipe that unnatural smile right off your face when I demand you pay your taxes!
ZAC: Taxes? YAY, I love taxes! Sales tax! Income tax! Thumb tax! Tacky tax! Yippie ki-yay, time to pay through the nose!
ZAC: Take it!!! Take all my money!!! Money can’t buy happiness! Nosireebob! I’ve got money coming out the wazoo!!!
HAMMY: (In the midst of putting Zac’s money in the bucket) Wait, was this money really up your…..????
SAM: Let’s go right now, Pig. Nobody should be this happy to get robbed blind and it’s giving me the creeps more than that naked portrait of John Quincy Adams in the Lincoln bedroom…
SAM: Alright, possum! I know you haven’t paid your income taxes this year despite being gainfully employed.
BUSTER: But Mr. President, I work for the Shelf Critter Theatre production company. They don’t pay me any compensation for my services.
SAM: Bullshit, son! They must be paying you under the shelf…
BUSTER: No sir, and I don’t have any money to collect. Not a dime. That’s why I dig in trash cans for food.
SAM: Well, if you have no money then I guess we’re going to have to collect what you owe Merchant of Venice style…
HAMMY: Sir, I think this is more than a pound of flesh.
SAM: Well, he can file for a refund next year then. Let’s take him down to the same joint we sold the dog to and move along…
SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Look! It’s the guys from our history books!
CHILD 2: Yeah, the famous leader!
SAM: It’s good to see the schools are teaching our future voters about politics.
CHILD 3: Did you shave off your square mustache?
SAM: What!?!? Why you incorrigible little brats! Pay your taxes or you’ll spend the next 14 years in detention behind bars!
CHILD 4: But we’re just kids, we don’t make any money!
SAM: I’ve heard you kids get an allowance.
CHILD 2: No we don’t!
CHILD 1: Honest!
CHILD 3: Who snitched on us?
CHILD 4: I’ll bet Pipsqueak ratted us out!
LITTLEST: Did NOT!!!!
SQUIRREL MOM: What’s going on here, boys? Didn’t I warn you about talking to strange preverts?
SAM: I was collecting our rightful taxes on the allowance you pay them. And since these rugrats don’t look like dependents to me, I’ll take the back taxes you owe the government as well, ma’am.
SQUIRREL MOM: Oh dear, I haven’t any money to spare.
CHILD 1: Leave our Mommy alone, you meanie!
CHILD 2: Yeah, go back to your opal office and sit on your Tweeter!
CHILD 3: Mommy’s not gonna let you take our money away!
CHILD 4: Yeah, she loves us!
SQUIRREL MOM: Well, I guess if I can’t claim my children as dependents anymore, I may as well sell them off into slavery to pay my taxes.
SAM: I hope you kids know how to build a wall!
SQUIRREL MOM: I won’t miss those annoying voices.
SQUIRREL DAD: Oh dear, you sold off the children again? Should we make some more?
SQUIRREL MOM: Taxes won’t be the only thing getting cut if you put that thing near me, honey…
SNUGGLE: Oh shit, federal agents! Dude, I never touched that girl! I don’t care what Chris Hansen says!
SAM: We’re collecting on behalf of the IRS, and you owe us a bundle!
SNUGGLE: Come on, man! Take it easy on a working bear! Do you know how much candy and unicorn printed panties cost these days?
SNUGGLE: This is all I got, I swear!
SAM: That’s nowhere near enough to cover your debt, son!
SNUGGLE: Dude! I’m still paying in that high tax bracket I was thrown in when I was shilling fabric softener! I can’t afford…
BIG SCRAT: Is this man harassing you, honeybunch?
SNUGGLE: I am NOT your honeybunch! I…
SAM: Wait a minute… is this your domestic partner?
SNUGGLE: My domestic what?
SAM: Domestic partner. Gay marriage is legal now, you know.
SNUGGLE: What? You think he’s my husband!?!? Dude, there isn’t a gay bone in my body!
BIG SCRAT: I can put a gay bone in your body…
SNUGGLE: Go away you creep!!!
SAM: It’d put you in a better tax situation if you were married….
SNUGGLE: I’m not a….. wait a minute! You mean I could…… if I was married to…. well, I guess I can be gay for as long as it takes for you to leave. Sure, that’s my husband.
BIG SCRAT: I knew you loved me, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!
SNUGGLE: NO! I was just….
SAM: I think we’re ruining this beautiful romantic scene, Pig. Let’s roll…
BIG SCRAT: I can’t wait for the Big Day! I got dibs on wearing the tux!
SNUGGLE: Noooooooooo, what have I done!?!?
MITZI: Prezzy Wezzy!!! Like, have you stopped by for another lapdance?
SAM: Sorry toots, but I’m here for business this time rather than pleasure.
MITZI: But Mitzi can totally mix business with pleasure!!!
Mitzi begins doing her routine on the pole…
SAM: (Looking down) I hope she’s about done because Air Force One is starting to emerge from the hangar, if you know what I mean.
MITZI: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, let’s totally make it rain!!!!
MITZI: So, like, what did you think of Mitzi’s sex-ay dance?
SAM: I’d love to stay and exercise my “pocket veto,” but since you just summoned exactly what I came here for….
MITZI: But that’s, like, totally Mitzi’s tips!
SAM: No, only a percentage of those tips are yours… and that percentage is zero.
MITZI: But how is Mitzi supposed to make money if the gutterment just takes it all away?
SAM: That’s not my problem… I’m sure someone here will buy you a drink in exchange for a private show. (Tips his hat) Carry on, ma’am.
With their bucket now overflowing, Sam and Hammy head back to the office to restock the treasury.
HAMMY: Wow, Mr. Prez, you sure did collect a king’s ransom today!
SAM: This is chump change compared to what the taxpayers still owe me! But, it will tide over the budget until the next time I shut everything down again.
HAMMY: It’s a shame we have to take all that money from the critters, but I guess tax money at least goes to good use funding all the programs and services the government provides for its citizens.
SAM: As if. This money’s all earmarked for a kickass new golf course I’m building in the rose garden!
HAMMY: You can’t screw over the good citizens of this Shelf like that! This money should go back to the Shelf critters! I think I need to have a talk with the media about what’s going on in this Administration…
SAM: Whoa! Easy there, Pig! No need to squeal about anything to the fake news! So you want to help out the critters on the Shelf? Fine, I think I can arrange for that…
SAM: Here’s your weekly allowance of government cheese, underprivileged citizen. And on behalf of the generosity of the Shelf government, please accept this Easter ham to go along with it.
TROLL: Fuckin’ A! It really pays to be poor these days…