To The Moon

EVIL SQUIRREL: Are you about done typing that script up for this week’s Good Friday episode, numbnuts?

TROLL: You mean the one where Buster gets nailed up on the cross?  Uhhhh, not yet sir.

ES: How much more is left?

TROLL: Errrrrr….. all of it, sir.  I flunked out of typing class, so I can only hunt and peck.

ES: Grrrrrrrrr…….

TROLL: And it doesn’t help that this keyboard is so sticky for some reason…

ES: What have I told you about watching porn on my personal computer!?!?  Get out of here and get my toilets scrubbed before I hang your nuts off the back of my pickup truck!!!

Troll covers his crotch and quickly vacates the keyboard.

ES: Lousy good for nothing help I have around here.  There’s no time now, so I’ll have to save that script for next year.  Good thing Good Friday always falls on a Friday.  Well, I guess it would be a convenient time to take care of that stupid promise I made last week

ES: So Pam wants to see what happens when Mitzi meets the man in the moon.  Damn, I sure have a kinky bunch of followers here…. I can’t imagine why.


MITZI: Did you, like, call for your CandyCorn?

ES: No, but I guess you know when you’re wanted.

MITZI: Mitzi’s always wanted by everyone!  And besides, I, like, totally have extra century reception!

ES: So, how would you like to meet the man in the moon?

MITZI: OM to the G!  I totally don’t think he’s in my little black book yet!  Does this mean Mitzi gets to ride on a rocket?

ES: No…

MITZI: Mitzi lurves riding on rockets!!!  Specially, like, red rockets!!!


MITZI: Ooooooh, yes please!!!

ES: Absolutely no rocket riding!  I don’t know if this would qualify as bestiality, but I’m pretty sure it’d be illegal in most states… even West Virginia.  TROLL!!!  Come take this horny mutt to the Chinese buffet!

Troll grabs Fleabag with his unwashed toilet scrubbing hands and removes him from the set…

MITZI: So how is, like, Mitzi going to get to the moon?

ES: Come, I’ll show you…

ES grabs Mitzi by the chest and leads her to a different set…

ES: Here we are, welcome to the moon!

MITZI: This, like, totally isn’t the moon!  There aren’t even any craters!

ES: This is the soundstage where the government shot the moon landings!

MITZI: No way!!!  Louis Armstrong, like, totally went to the real moon!

ES: You really believe that shit?  No, they filmed that right here.  Want proof?

MITZI: Like, whatevs.

ES: OK, I’m gonna head to the control room to act all important.  Good luck, Mitzi!

MITZI: Wait!  Don’t leave me by myself on the moon!!!  I’m, like, totally creeped out by otter space!!!

Looks like Mitzi will be on her own seeking out the “man” in the “moon”…

MITZI: YAYSIES!  I, like, totally found him!

FUZZYWIG: Found who?

MITZI: The man in the moon!

FUZZYWIG: Uhhhhh, yeah, sure.  I go on “trips” like this every day at 4:20 myself.

MITZI: Do you totally have any green cheese?

FUZZYWIG: My cheese all comes from the government, and it never expires and turns green.  But I do have something green I can share with you…

MITZI: I didn’t know you could, like, grow grass on the moon!

FUZZYWIG: You can in the Sea of Tranquility.  And this stuff will make you very, very tranquil…

Mitzi tackles her man….

MITZI: So are we gonna, like, get it on?

FUZZYWIG: Only if you’re talking about lighting this stuff up.  We should get high before we light up the sky…


UNCLE SAM: Just what in the name of Buzz Aldrin is going on here!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Houston, we have a problem.

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, totally recreating the Apollo 69 mission!

SAM: Is that pot!?!?  I will not tolerate any hanky panky or MARIHUANA on my moon!  Do you understand me, degenerates?

FUZZYWIG: Your moon?  I think your executive powers have officially gone a bit too far, Napoleon.

SAM: You see this flag?  It’s been here for fifty years, and that makes this MY moon!  And I aim to make my moon great again!

SAM: (Looking at Fuzzy) You have exactly five minutes to go back to whatever planet you came from, or my secret weapon will burn every cannabis laced hair off your body!

FUZZYWIG: It’s sad that you can’t even get away from politics on the moon.  Fine, whatever, I’m outta here…

FUZZYWIG: That’s one small jerk for a critter, but one giant jerk for critterkind…

MITZI: Why did you make the man in the moon go away you big meanie!?!?

SAM: Because he didn’t belong here! But you….

SAM: I’m looking to plant my flag in a different crater, if you know what I mean.

MITZI: Well, I guess you’re a man and this is totally the moon…. so…

SAM: (Undoing his star spangled pants) This is awesome!  I’ve always wanted to join the 238,000 mile high club!

MITZI: I hope your flag isn’t all wrinkly!

SAM: Damn, this is hot!  In fact, I’m getting a warm sensation on the side of my face…

MITZI: Uh oh, Spaghetti O’s!

SAM: What’s going on!?!?  My secret weapon is going rogue like the Fake News!!!!

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble President!!!

Uncle Sam runs like hell off the set with his red, white and blue uniform smoldering…

MITZI: OMG!!!!  Your shiny eyes are, like, so kyooooooooot!!!!!

ROBOFOX: Robofox tired of never getting any!  Robofox wants to stick adapter into female socket!

MITZI: I, like, totally IDK what you’re talking about!  But Mitzi could totally go for some lunar rover right now!

MITZI: Oooooh!  This is just like the time Mitzi’s battery operated toy totally shorted out and made Mitzi do the electric slide!!!

ROBOFOX: (Sputtering and smoking) Malfunction!  Malfunction!  Circuits overloaded!

MITZI: Mitzi needs, like, input!!!!

ES: Well, that sure lit up the sky just like Pam had hoped for.

FUZZYWIG: Just what we needed, more light pollution.

SAM: I’m going to deport the idiot who wrote me out of this scene!!!!

ES: Well, this didn’t turn out too bad for a last minute rewrite…

ZEEBA: We’re here for the crucifixion!!!  Where’s that possum!?!?  I’m gonna stab him right in the balls!!!  Make him bleed for my sins!!!

ES: Errrrr, sorry little girl, but we canceled that episode today.

BEARCAT: Well, darn sis!  I guess we’ll have to go home….

ZEEBA: That’s BULLSHIT!!!!  It isn’t Good Friday if the possum doesn’t die!!!  Good rhymes with Blood, and I want my Blood Friday BLOOD!!!!!

BEARCAT: Settle down, sis!

ZEEBA: Not until there’s BLOOD!!!!!  BLOOD on the cross!  BLOOD on the moon!  BLOOD on the tracks! BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!BLOOD!!!!!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to To The Moon

  1. Only your crew could rewrite a holiday like this! 😇Hoppy Easter weekend.

  2. Ally Bean says:

    I’m not sure I get this one, but Happy Easter anyhow. May the chocolate bunnies and peeps be yours in abundance.

    • I am stunned that any episode of Shelf Critter Theatre would confuse my audience with my award winning writing and last, last minute planning. And please keep all of the Peeps you want…. those gooey things are nasty!

  3. Vampires ahoy! Happy Easter to all those who celebrate and happy Passover to those who celebrate and have a great weekend no matter WHAT you celebrate.

    • But…. but I don’t celebrate the weekend either! At least not on Saturday and Sunday since I’m off midweek. Come to think of it, I don’t even celebrate celebrations. Just what is everyone so happy about anyway?

      • franhunne4u says:

        Folks like me in 9 to 5 jobs like mine tend to get two days off on Easter – added to the weekend. So we have two four day work weeks – which is great.

  4. draliman says:

    It looks like there’s a Good Friday massacre in the making, thanks to everyone’s (my) favourite little Zeeba.
    And jeez, all those conspiracy theories about the moon landing and no-one even noticed Mr Fox peering over the crater…

    • It’s those eyes. It’s just like those devices they had in Men in Black that erased people’s memories. Mr. Fox makes sure nobody remembers seeing Mr. Fox in the background…

  5. Well done…….this is the kind of messed up scenario I pictured when I suggested Mitzi – aka Candycorn – meet “the man”. Now I understand why I noticed the moon dimmed briefly the other night – musta been a brief overload when Robofox malfunctioned! Zeeba wanting blood will come to mind next time we have what they call a “Blood Moon”………………….eeek.


    • I feel sorry for Buster when next Easter’s episode comes around… because Zeeba ain’t gonna let him get away blood-free two years in a row. If Mitzi were on the moon, I don’t think there’d be any shortage of astronauts volunteering for the next mission…

  6. OMG this is so over the top. Bahahahahahaha

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