Rescue Me

a box full of junk

Welcome to another fun exercise in entropy as The Nest goes fishing in the really deep end for another picture to write a post from.  It’s our Wednesday feature Random Image Inspiration!  That’s where we fire up the Randomator and…..

No wait, it’s not the Randomator anymore.  It’s now officially the Rivernator.

wtf

One of the cool things about randomness is that it can sometimes be accidentally streaky.  Flip a coin enough times, and not only will your fingers be really, really filthy… but you’ll eventually end up with a run of heads coming up 100 times in a row.  Just take my word for it… don’t actually try this at home.  It might take a millennium of two of coin flipping for it to finally happen, and nobody’s got time for that.

And all of that leads to this week’s “totally” “random” “numbers”….

50, 55, 16, 86

The 50th post in my Reader is this one by….. no, you’ll never guess.  It’s a River Girl threepeat.

The 55th word in that post is “one”

The 16th word in that post is “I”

Putting “one I” into Google Images brought up a really, really depressing meme as the 86th image.  So I fudged it a bit and took the 85th instead.  This is somewhat better…

Alex cruised the coastline in his inflatable rescue boat bored out of his mind.  Landing a job with the Sonza Beach Search and Rescue Squad wasn’t quite all it was cracked up to be.  None of his co-workers looked like they came off the cast of Baywatch.  Duty had yet to compel him to administer life saving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a beautiful babe in a bikini.  Hell, he hadn’t even had the opportunity to rescue ANYONE in his four months on the job.  So much for being a lifeguard…

Alex was just about to turn his oversized innertube around and head back for the shore when he just caught a faint cry being carried his way by the sea breeze.  Off to the northeast about a football field away was someone in the water flailing for their life as an upturned surfboard floated farther and farther away from them.  This was it!  It was time for Alex to finally be a hero!

Alex fired up the motor on his blow up dinghy and quickly closed the distance between himself and the drowning surfer.  “Grab on to this!” Alex shouted over the crashing waves as he began to extend the pole towards the victim.

The surfer desperately grabbed at the lifeline that was being extended towards him….. only for it to elude his grasp.  Not due to the rocking of the ocean or the saltwater getting into his eyes…. but due to the fact that Alex had inexplicably withdrew the lifesaving instrument back into his boat.

“Errrrrrrrr……. sorry dude!” Alex stammered as he awkwardly crept back towards the captain’s seat in his rescue raft.

“Hey, what the….!?!?” the thrashing drownee sputtered between mouthfuls of water.  “HELP ME!!!!!!”

“I….. uhhhh…. it’s quitting time and I’m off duty!” Alex nervously said as he began to steer the inflatable boat back towards the coast.  “Don’t worry, I’ll call one of the other guys out to save you!  Just you stay put and don’t go anywhere now!”

“Dafuq!?!?  You were going to rescue me, then changed your mind when you saw who I am!  Is it the fact that I’m a dude?  Or wait, it’s my brown skin, right!?!?  You Fascist asshole!!!”

But Alex never heard the drowning surfer’s angry accusations over the sound of the motor guiding his rubber raft as fast as it would go back towards the safety of the coast.

When Alex got back to the office he never mentioned the unlucky surfer he refused to save.  “Just another boring day on the ocean” was his response to how his day had gone.

The next day, the victim’s lifeless body washed up on the shore.  How could this have happened at Sonza Beach with its world class rescue squad, the public wondered.  The mayor of the coastal tourist trap demanded answers from the coastal guardians.  When the angry official showed a photo of the drowning victim was shown to the rescue team, everyone else’s reaction was just as fearfully negative as Alex’s had been that fateful day.  How could these supposed men of honor be so heartless as to refuse to rescue a drowning surfer solely because he was a………..

……porcupine?

Maybe the inflatable rescue boats were a bad idea….

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Random Image Inspiration and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Rescue Me

  1. Ally Bean says:

    Cute story. Nice photo of a squirrel in a canoe. As for the threepeat, that’s cool in its own ‘random is as random’ does way.

    • Ally Bean says:

      Oops, got my punctuation wrong there. Forgive me. I need more coffee…

      • If I could limit my typos to just punctuation, I would consider that some kind of lifetime achievement….

        Incidentally, it took me a while to notice what you were referring to… so I was oblivious to the misplaced single quote. Which brings up an interesting philosophical question… can you do air single quotes?

      • Ally Bean says:

        Sure, why not do air single quotes? If you are the sort of person who does air quotes, of course.

  2. I’m going to go with inflatable anything would be a bad idea when a porcupine is involved, just sayin’……lol

  3. I read it again while listening to Surfin berd by the trashmen… I had a b*tch of a day but now I feel better… thanks for a super story!

  4. I’m flattered just to be nominated… but yay! I’ll take the triple crown any way I can get it.
    It would be nice if my posts inspired more interesting words than I and one though. Good grief, I blog about enough weird crap you’d think the wheel would land on something better once in a while.
    That being said, I have now seen a squirrel paddling a canoe.
    So thank you.

  5. I really hope it doesn’t ACTUALLY work that way. That would really ruin all our TV shows from 911 to FBI. Because they work SO HARD to solve every crime, save every soul. Unless their cell phones ring. No matter what is going on — massive gunfight in the not OK corral or on the streets of some major city near you — they stop to answer the phone. “Wait, I have to take this.” This is probably a lot like going off duty.

    • This is why I prefer the classic detective series like Columbo. I can’t imagine Peter Falk figuring out how to even work a cellphone, let alone answer one in the middle of a tough case. The cops always got the bad guys on a much smaller budget back in the day….

  6. draliman says:

    Well, I didn’t see that coming. I was thinking Alex runs him over in his boat, or pokes him through the eye socket with his rescue pole…

  7. Porcupine discrimination…..who’d have thunk it ? Only the Evil Squirrel – that’s who……….

    Pam

  8. Bwahaha…now that took a turn I wasn’t expecting! Nice job.

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