Mail Call

CHIP: Fuzzy, what are you doing down here in The Nest’s mailroom?  Are you on one of your stoner walkabouts again?

FUZZYWIG: The boss wanted me to man the mailroom for a few days since the regular critter got reassigned.  It pays $4.20 an hour!

CHIP: That’s less than minimum wage!

FUZZYWIG: Plus I can “confiscate” any deliveries addressed to Mary Jane, if you know what I mean…

CHIP: Ah, so you’re only in it for the fringe benefits.  So…. um, where’s the mail?

Incoming!!!

FUZZYWIG: Ask and you shall receive.

CHIP: Who dumped all of this mail on us!?!?

SANTA: Now you know how I feel every December, putz!

CHIP: Santa as a postal carrier!?!?

SANTA: Hey, I gotta deliver something in the offseason!  Especially since that tightwad squirrel slashed the amount of PTO I get so I can’t spend ten months lying on the Costa Rican beach in my elfkini anymore!

FUZZYWIG: It’s gonna take a whole pawful of joints to get that image out of my mind…

SANTA: Well, Happy Postmas to all… and don’t forget there’s no delivery on Memorial Day!  It’s about fucking time I get some holidays off…

CHIP: Well, there sure is a lot of mail here to sort through.  Want me to lend a hand?

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, whatever.  Just don’t bogart the envelope glue…

CHIP: This has got to be a scam!  It’s from a Doctor Dick Boner, and addressed to Mr. Snuggle Z. Bear or current occupant…

SNUGGLE: Dafuq, dude!?!?  Get outta my personal and private mail!  They told me this would come in a confidential and discreet package when I responded to their email!

FUZZYWIG: There’s nothing confidential and discreet about ¢iali$, dude.

CHIP: I find it hard to believe someone as preverted as you has erectile dysf…

SNUGGLE: SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  Dude, I’m pretty sure there are Hippo laws being violated here!  It’s kinda hard for me to get it up sometimes when every time I turn around there’s that creep….

Snuggle quickly checks his backdoor to make sure the coast is clear…

SNUGGLE: (Turns back around) That creepy Scrat always sneaking up trying to put his hot dog in my buns!  So yeah, I need a little help erecting my skyscraper sometimes (picks up his discreet delivery for his discreet package) now if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare for my big date tonight with this chick I found online called Nighthawk!

Snuggle Bear exits the mailroom, unknowingly tailed by his closest admirer…

FUZZYWIG: I think Uncle Snuggie’s gonna find King Kong on his skyscraper tonight…

CHIP: Mooooooooooving right along…

CHIP: I don’t understand how junk mail works!  There’s still mail coming here for Bashful, and he’s been gone three years!

FUZZYWIG: Check this one out… it’s addressed to my stupid mutt!

CHIP: That’s not uncommon for pets to end up on mailing lists.

FUZZYWIG: It’s a summons for jury duty!  Yo, Fleabag!  You just got served!  And not on Hung Lo’s buffet this time…

Fleabag storms in to destroy the legal notice…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HELL NO!  I WON’T GO! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

CHIP: Do you think they’ll arrest him for failing to appear?

FUZZYWIG: Eh, I wish.  He’d make a good juror too.  He’d even send his loyal master up the river on a trumped up charge.

CHIP: In all fairness, Fuzzywig, you have tried to sell your dog to be butchered numerous times.

FUZZYWIG: And is that a crime?  Of course not.

CHIP: Hey, what’s up with this envelope?  It’s all wet!

FUZZYWIG: Someone likes licking envelope glue a bit too much…

CHIP: It looks like it’s addressed to….. is that…?

RAINY: Is that for me?  I’ve been waiting for my delivery of rain from the rain forest to show up for weeks!

FUZZYWIG: Rain forest?  Let me guess, from Amazon?

CHIP: I don’t know how to break this to you, Rainy, but it looks like something happened in transit and all of the rain leaked out!

RAINY: What!?!? (Rainy takes a closer look at the soaked envelope)

RAINY: Please accept their apologies for destroying my package of RAIN!?!?!?!?

RAINY: This is NOT acceptable!!!  I am going down to the post office to give them a piece of my mind!!!

Rainy storms off fuming mad…

CHIP: And no doubt a healthy dose from her other end too…

FUZZYWIG: First it’s post office shootings, and now post office sprayings.  At least they might put her picture up on the wall down there after it’s over…

CHIP: There sure seems to be a lot of mail here addressed to Buster.  Surely he can’t have a bigger fan club than I do…

BUSTER: Oh, those are just all my death certificates coming in for my demises in recent episodes!

FUZZYWIG: I’ll bet they make a nice collector’s item.

BUSTER: (Picks up an envelope) Yes, I think this one is from when I got burned alive by that nice dragon!  I think I’ll frame this one over the toilet…

CHIP: There are no words for this kind of lunacy.

FUZZYWIG: Looks like the undertaker better get to work printing up Buster’s next Game Over certificate.

YAY!!!!  It came!!!!

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Is it from him?

CHILD 2: It IS from him!

CHILD 3: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

FUZZYWIG: What’s got you little bastards all excited?

CHILD 4: It’s a letter from our pen pal!

LITTLEST: In Bumfuckistan!!!

CHIP: You kids have a pen pal…. where???

CHILD 1: We asked him to send us some real, live ANTHRAX!

The kids pick up the letter and take it home with them…

CHILD 2: This stuff is so awesome!

CHILD 3: We should bring it to Show and Tell!

CHILD 4: I’ll bet anthrax will kill cooties!

LITTLEST: Wait for me, guys, or I’m telling Mommy!!!

FUZZYWIG: Ah, another medical mystery explained.

CHIP: Uhhhhhh, so what do we do with him?

STAMP!

SCRATCHY: No such possum!  No such zone!

Scratchy hauls off the possum carcass to be deposited in the nearest mailbox.

FUZZYWIG: Thankyou, thankyou verruh much!

SANTA: Forgot something!

SANTA: This box was hiding down in the bottom of my sack.

CHIP: How can you lose something this big!?!?

SANTA: Hey, it happens in government work all the time, moron!  (Checks watch) Time for my fifteen minute eggnog break!

FUZZYWIG: I hope it’s brownies.  The munchies are really kicking in after all this hard work I’m doing…

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Steve Martin wasn’t this excited when the phone book came.

CHIP: This box is for you, Mitzi?

MITZI: Yeppers!!!  Like, I totally had to get me a new toy, and….

CHIP:  TOY!?!?  Mitzi, this box is as big as you are!

FUZZYWIG: You know how cat toys always get lost under the couch?  Sex toys always get lost under Mitzi’s…

MITZI: Lulz!  Silly boyz!  It’s not THAT kinda toy!  (Rips open the box) Like, check this out!!!

FUZZYWIG: I hope they poked some holes in the box.

CHIP: Wait a minute!?!?  Someone sent you a live unicorn through the mail!?!?

MITZI: You can buy, like, anything online now!  So Mitzi bought herself a new boy toy from StudHub!  It’s time for Mitzi to get horseyback rides!!!

SPARKLEPONY: What’s going on here!?!?

MITZI: Like, who are you?

RAINBOW DONKEY: I think that’s my wife, but it’s gonna take my eyes awhile to adjust back to the light and recognize her haggard face.

SPARKLEPONY: Rainbow Donkey!!!  I send you down to the post office to get me some Mr. Ed stamps, and instead you mailed yourself to some hussy!!!  What do you have to say for yourself?

RD: Well, dear…

MITZI: We can, like, totally have a Mirage a Trois!

SPARKLEPONY: (Headbutting her husband in a box back towards home) You’re gonna be sleeping in the pigsty for months after this little stunt, mister!

RD: Sorry dear.  You’ll have to call customer service for a full refund.

MITZI: Like, you can’t steal my mail!  That’s totally a crime!  You’ll be prostituted to the fullest extend of the law!!!

CHIP: This is absolutely insane.

FUZZYWIG: I know.  Don’t you just love Shelf Critter Theatre?

MITZI: Well, poopsies!  I guess I’ll just, like, totally take all my fan mail and have someone read it to me!

CHIP: Wait a minute!  All of those letters are for you!?!?

MITZI: Totally!!!  Mitzi, like, has fans all over the whole big wide world of sports!  Mitzi gets luv from Canadada, Doucheland, Findland, and even South Dakota!

FUZZYWIG: Any green pieces of paper in those envelopes?

MITZI: Like, toodles!

CHIP: Well, I guess that took care of all of the mail.

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, now I can just sit around and get paid for it like every other worker.

TROLL: Hey, what happened to all of the mail?

FUZZYWIG: Sorry, Phil Spector.  No coupons from SuperCuts came today.

TROLL: Dude, I never get any mail!  But I need to sort it before the boss finds out…

CHIP: Uhhhhh, I think you got caught up in a corporate reorganization…

TROLL: Dafuq!?!?  When I see that jerkwad squirrel, I’m gonna….

TROLL: Oh, shit!

EVIL SQUIRREL: Go on, Troll.  Finish the threat you were making while I fill out your termination papers.

TROLL: Sir, I didn’t mean….. well, I was just reporting to the mailroom to perform my duties like I usually do at this time, and…

ES: And you didn’t know I replaced you with Fuzzywig.  Because the last time you worked the mailroom, you forgot to wash your hands after cleaning out all the toilets and the entire fucking Shelf Critter staff got the possum trots because of your germs on their mail!!!!

CHIP: Is that why I had to get that Pepto Bismol IV last week?

ES: Get out of here!!!  Your job duties have been reduced to janitorial services and bootlicking until further notice!

TROLL: Yes sir, sorry sir, I’ll try better sir….

ES: Well, now that the incompetence has been taken care of around here… I’ll just pick up my mail and go back to the offi…

FUZZYWIG: Errrrrr….

CHIP: There’s no mail left to be sorted.  Nothing came for you today, sir.

ES: What!?!?  Where are all the letters from my adoring fans of SCT!?!?  Are they still in Bangkok with the luggage from my last flight?

SANTA: Late delivery!

ES: Yes, here we go!  These fan letters are all addressed to me!

SANTA: Bullshit!  This is all the hate mail that had to be screened for language, threats of bodily harm and makeshift bombs!

FUZZYWIG: Awwww, our public loves us!

ES: Hate mail!?!?  Why would people send me hate mail?

CHIP: I would guess some people think your Shelf Critter Theatre episodes are too offensive and fucked up, sir.  Kinda like I do…

FUZZYWIG: Uh oh!  The Professional Union of Special Snowflakes Yo is calling for a boycott by your sponsors, chief.  I’ll still get paid, right?

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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16 Responses to Mail Call

  1. About five years ago, I got called up for Jury Duty in a town that’s more than 50 miles away and I was scheduled for heart surgery. I called them and explained and they said I HAD TO SHOW UP and it didn’t matter if it was at the other end of the state.

    I said, “Screw you.” And hung up. I’m still waiting for the warrant to be served.

    • They’ve changed it around here to where you only have to check each evening to see if they want you to report the next day or not. Last time I got “called” I didn’t have to show up at all before I was dismissed. Bummer, because Jury Duty used to be a sure four day paid weekend from work…

  2. Man, working in the mailroom is a harrowing experience, but all the critters seemed to handle it well. Okay except for Rainy, lol.

  3. draliman says:

    You’ve gotta worry when PUSSY’s after you.
    Snuggle Z Bear? Please tell me his middle name is “Zebedee”.

    • Eh, I ain’t worried about PUSSY. I’m pretty sure I can lick ’em….

      Snuggle won’t tell anyone what the Z stands for. I’ll bet I can get Big Scrat to make him scream it, though…

  4. Gosh – The Shelf gets more JUNK MAIL than I do – amazing yet somehow not surprising!

    Pam

    • I should sign up for marketing lists online with the names of my critters and see how much stuff shows up for them. It would be cool to get junk mail for Mitzi and Snuggle and Fuzzywig… and maybe even some literature on pre-arranged funerals in Buster’s name.

  5. I hope ES checked for the anthrax ….because without SCT, I know my life and the lives of all my own Shelf Critters (including Henry the Hedgehog) would be devoid of any meaning. This was SO CLEVER. Tell me, do you have books? These would be great at my next meeting of the Proper Ladies of Good Family in BC here (and no that ain’t British Columbia..) — of course I’ll have to heavily edit any such volumes because some of the language and references to drugs and sex and rock and roll (wait. No Rock and roll reference. Shame). koff koff koff (tell Fuzzy to put that thing out until he’s off the damned clock please. I don’t want to be arrested for second hand inhalation)… FUN … koff koff koff might get me shunned. Wait. That already happened, so bring it.

  6. It’s always a bit of a zoo on the Shelf, isn’t it? How ’bout a whole episode on Santa’s elfkini…I can’t even begin to imagine the mail that might generate!

  7. Trisha says:

    Hmmm, so all I have to do to get fired from junk mail duty is not wash my hands until everyone gets the possum trots? Done! Paper clutter makes me crazy!

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