Once upon a time, there was a little unicorn named Tina who lived on a farm with her Aunt Scratchy. Times were tough, and needless to say, they were part of the 99%.
TINA: Aw, Aunt Scratchy! Not government cheese AGAIN!
SCRATCHY: You should be thankful we even have that to eat, Tina! We’re poorer than a plastic car full of blue and pegs that didn’t make it to Millionaire Acres. That reminds me that I need to find something to pawn off so we can pay the internet bill this month…
SCRATCHY: Maybe we can sell this horse to the dog food factory.
TROLL: I don’t think they’ll take him, ma’am. He’s sick with gonorrhea.
SCRATCHY: Hmmmmm, don’t YOU have gonorrhea, Troll?
TROLL: Errrrr, a complete coincidence, I assure you.
SCRATCHY: Tina, remind me to save money next month by firing the help. Let’s check on the crops…
SCRATCHY: Rainy, Rainy, quite complainy. How does my garden grow?
RAINY: Nothing’s growing! With this drought that started as soon as I moved to the valley, even the dandelions have died!
SCRATCHY: Lovely. Hmmm, I wonder how much I could get for that…
RAINY: Don’t you even think about hocking my precious rain gauge!
SCRATCHY: Well, kiddo… looks like I’ll have to dig into the ol’ muzak collection.
SCRATCHY: This is the most valuable possession I own. I hate to part with it, but we need the dough.
TINA: Aunt Scratchy! Nobody would pay a dime for this garbage!
SCRATCHY: Bitch, that’s an ultra-rare Kevin Eubanks 8 track tape that has a Kelly Blue Book value of $69,000! Take it down to the pawn shop for me and don’t settle for anything less than a C-note, OK?
TINA: Yeah, whatevs, Aunt Scratchy.
Tina scoops up the musical abomination and sets off on her way to town to try and get her family some much needed cash…
FUZZYWIG: Psssst! Hey, little girl!
TINA: OMG! Are you one of those creeps? I have a sparkly bottle of LOL Surprise mace I’m not afraid to use!
FUZZYWIG: C’mon, shorty. Do I look like a creep? I’m just a musical connoisseur who noticed that you happen to be lugging around a pretty valuable copy of Kevin Eubanks’ Worstest Hits.
TINA: I am. And my Aunt Scratchy says I have to take it to the pawn shop for…
FUZZYWIG: Dude, the pawn shop’s a giant scam. They won’t give you ten cents for this fine, quality psychedelic muzak. But Uncle Fuzzy will gladly take it off your hands for a few magic beans.
TINA: Magic beans!?!?
FUZZYWIG: Yep. And when I say magic…
FUZZYWIG: I mean magic! These beans will open up new worlds for you and your Aunt Patchy.
TINA: Coolio! You’ve got a deal!
FUZZYWIG: Enjoy your “magic” beans…… sucker.
TINA: Aunt Scratchy! Aunt Scratchy! Look what I got for your 8 track!
SCRATCHY: Dafuq is this shit?
TINA: Magic beans!
SCRATCHY: Magic, my rump roast! This is low grade MARIHUANA that doesn’t even have a street value of a buffalo nickel! (Throws the “magic beans” out by the manure patch) You got conned, Tina, and now we’re totally fucked because you couldn’t follow a simple direction! GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!
TINA: But Aunt Scratchy…
SCRATCHY: And I’ll take THIS!!!
Tina sulks off to her room sans smartphone to stare at her walls full of Mr. Ed and Trigger pinups for the rest of the evening. The next morning, she went outside to begin her chores and you’ll never guess what she found growing in the manure patch….
TINA: OMG! It’s a giant 5 pointed leaf vine up into the sky! Or maybe the gym class climbing rope from hell. I knew those beans were magic! I wonder how much we could sell this fine vegetation for…
MARIO: Radical ravioli! It’sa vine up into the coina heaven!
TINA: Have you been smoking some of my magic beans, mister?
MARIO: Don’tcha know these vines always leada up to a world fulla gold coins?
TINA: Gold coins!?!?
MARIO: I’mma gonna climb uppa there and…
MARIO: Uh, nevvamind! I thinka I’ll go-a chase that 1-Up musharoom!
While Mario runs off to get himself a life, Tina ponders how proud Aunt Scratchy would be of her if she returned home with a sack full of gold coins.
TINA: Time to get my Weezy on and start movin’ on up so I can save our asses!
Tina climbs the neverending vine way up into the sky… leaving the ground far behind.
TINA: Well, it’s about time I make it to the top! Wow, everything so freaking big up here!
TINA: Excuse me, mister. But could you tell me where I am?
MR. FOX: ……………………………….
TINA: Yeah, thanks. Shoulda known better than to ask a man for directions. I’ll just look around myself…
Tina wanders aimlessly around the world full up giant objects in the sky, entering a huge castle. She’s snapped out of her state of wonder by a bellowing voice coming from around the corner and ducks behind a giant nut…
FE FI FO FUM! I smell the blood of….
SNUGGLE: …. jailbait! Come out little girl! Uncle Snuggie’s got a giant surprise for yoooooooouuuuu!
TINA: Shit, I better stay away from this giant before he introduces me to his pal Cyclops.
SNUGGLE: Eh, I was so sure that was Disney Princesses bubble bath I smelled. Oh well, guess I’ll have to rub this one out in the big boys room…
Once the not so gentle giant is out of sight, Tina continues her impromptu tour of his castle…
TINA: OMG! A giant rainbow unicorn! I’m gonna poke some holes in the lid of a jar and take you home with me!
RAINBOW DONKEY: Sorry dear, but I can’t leave. I’m property of the giant.
TINA: Dammit! Well, do you know where I can find the gold coins around here?
RD: We used to have a silly goose that laid golden eggs until the bird flu killed it off. I can poop rainbow slime, though.
RD: Sure (grunting) let me show you…
TINA: WOW!!! Can I eat it?
Tina continues to search the grounds looking for gold….
TINA: Found it!!! You must be worth a fortune!
HUNG LO: Little girl want fortune cookie? How about Uncle Hung tell joke instead?
TINA: That isn’t even funny! C’mon, goldbelly! I’m taking you back with me so they can melt you down into wedding bands!
Before Tina can push her newfound treasure back to the vine, giant footsteps force her to hide behind the man with the golden buns.
SNUGGLE: Yo, where’s my dinner at, dude?
HUNG LO: Dinner is still being prepared. Have patience…
SNUGGLE: The royal chef’s supposed to have food ready when the king is hungry! I better have dinner on a silver platter in my throne room in half an hour, or else!
HUNG LO: Yes sir.
SNUGGLE: And has anyone seen my dog?
HUNG LO: No, sir.
FLEABAG: (With an apple in its mouth) MMM MMMM MMM MMM MMM MMM MMMM!
Once the giant stomps away, Tina leaves the scene of this culinary crime…
MITZI: Like, hello and stuff! You’re a total kyootie!!!
TINA: I know, right? Can you tell me where to find some gold?
MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, got plenty of bling from the king! But none of it’s gold…
MITZI: It’s, like, pubic zirconium or something.
TINA: And the giant just gives you this shit? What are you, his whore?
MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, the king’s porcupine!
TINA: Concubine? Girl, that’s no way to live! You need to come back down to earth with me and I’ll show you how to teach those grubby pawed boys a lesson!
MITZI: Like, okey dokies! Mitzi, like, hated polishing the king’s scepter anyway. But if my master, like, calls for me and I’m not there….
TINA: Oh, fuck him! I mean, don’t fuck him! There’s a vine growing out of the ground just outside the door. Just climb on down, and I’ll be heading back with you as soon as I find some treasure to get us out of the poorhouse.
Mitzi sashays out of the room, and Tina keeps on digging for gold….
TINA: OMG! I found the treasure!!!
TINA: All of the candy I could possibly eat!!!! There’s enough candy here to last me for hours! The candy is coming with meeeeee!!!!
Tina was so busy thinking with her sweet tooth that she didn’t notice the sounds of giant steps coming into the room…
SNUGGLE: Hey, bitch! There’s a price to pay for taking this giant’s candy, you know! Now why don’t you come over here and sit on Uncle Snuggie’s lap and watch my beanstalk grow?
TINA: You giant prevert! You’ll have to catch me first!
Tina scoops up the candy and makes a dash for the vine…
SNUGGLE: Aw, dammit! I’d have caught her scrawny ass if most of this giant bod wasn’t flab. Oh well, there’s no way I’m climbing down after her since I’m afraid of heights. I guess I’ll just take some solace and comfort in using my royal concubine.
Snuggle snaps his fluffy fingers, and right on cue, his royal concubine is there with a soft paw on his shoulders….
BIG SCRAT: You called for me, master?
SNUGGLE: What!?!? You’re not my royal concubine!
BIG SCRAT: Your royal concubine left to pursue a better life for herself. So I jumped at the chance to take her place!
Looks like Snuggle’s no longer afraid of heights….
TINA: Aunt Scratchy! I’m back!!!
SCRATCHY: Tina, where the hell have you been? I’ve got grey hairs coming out of my dye job now thanks to you!
TINA: I found us some treasure and… (Tina looks up in horror)
TINA: Oh no! It’s the giant! He followed me down the beanstalk!!! What will we do?
MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, done being a combine!!!
Mitzi swoops in to cut the stalk with her horn, sending the entire thing falling to earth.
TINA: I think we better get into a different area code….. FAST!!!!!
The three unicorns retreat to the far end of the field to watch the grand finale to this adventure…
BUSTER: Excuse me, but would this be a bad time to ask you all if I could borrow a cup of sugar?
SCRATCHY: Yes. Yes it would.
TINA: YAY! The giant’s dead!
MITZI: Mitzi just loves happy endings!
TINA: I’ll bet you do.
SCRATCHY: What’s so happy about this ending? Now we have a giant hole in our farm and we’re still poor!
TINA: But I brought back this treasure!
SCRATCHY: Great. We’ll have rotten teeth and not be able to afford cosmetic dentistry.
TINA: I’m sorry, Aunt Scratchy. I guess I fucked up again.
MARIO: Didja find alla the golda coins uppa the vine?
TINA: You big liar! There wasn’t any gold coins up there! Just a whole lot of trouble!
MARIO: No golda coins!?!? Thissa makes me-a very angry!!!
Mario takes his frustration out by furiously jumping up and hitting a random block of bricks over and over again….
SCRATCHY: Holy shit! There’s coins coming out of that block! Start grabbing, Tina!
TINA: On it, Aunt Scratchy!!!
The next day….
SCRATCHY: Dinner is served!
TINA: Not government cheese again!!! Aunt Scratchy, we’re rich! Why are we still eating this shit?
SCRATCHY: Because it is the food of the gods, that’s why. But at least now we can afford to compliment our meal….
TINA: Fuck yeah! Booze!!!
SCRATCHY: The Cool Aunt strikes again!