BUB: Uh, hello. I’m here for a nine o’clock….
RAINY: Sign the register and have a seat please…
BUB: Uhhhhh (Signs the clipboard) OK.
Two hours later….
BUB: You called me?
RAINY: Photo ID and insurance card, please.
BUB: Am I ready to go back…
RAINY: What is the purpose of your visit today?
BUB: I….. I’d rather not talk about it in front of all these…
RAINY: Oh, you must be here to beg for Viagra. You men are all the same.
BUB: (Checking his pocketwatch) I’m already an hour and a half late for my…
RAINY: Please fill out this paperwork and wait for the nurse to call you back.
BUB: Holy crap! A whole forest died to make these forms! (Takes the pen off the counter)
RAINY: Don’t touch that pen! It’s the only one we have!
BUB: But I don’t carry a pen with me, so how am I supposed to…
RAINY: That’s not my problem, sir. Maybe you can use a crayon from the kids corner of the waiting room.
With a ream of forms in his arms, Bub attempts to take a crayon from the activity center…
BEARCAT: You colored outside the lines, sis! I’m telling!
ZEEBA: Blood always goes outside the lines! Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood!Blood! Hey, Jackass! Give that back!!!!
BUB: Sorry, little girl, but I need to borrow the crayon for a few…
ZEEBA: I’ll kick your ass if you don’t give me back my blood crayola!!!
BEARCAT: Take the white crayon, mister. We’re not using it!
BUB: OK… I guess I’ll fill out these forms on white paper with white crayon. Sure…
Bub takes a seat among the rest of the sick patients…
BUSTER: Hey, that’s smart bringing a coloring book with you to the doctor’s office! All of these scandal sheets in the waiting room are from 1994. Wanna know who Kato Kaelin is dating?
BUB: (Flipping through monotonous forms) I’m good, thanks. Shit, why do they need 69 emergency contacts from me?
BUSTER: So, what are you seeing the doc for today?
BUB: I’d rather not say.
BUSTER: No problem then! I’m just in for a routine life insurance physical. I don’t have the deadly, highly contagious Bumfuckistan possum trots like that critter a couple seats down does…
Two hours later…
BUB: I’m going to die of old age before I can even be seen!
NURSE: Bubby Wubby!!!!
BUB: Ummmmm, is that supposed to be me?
MITZI: Is your name, like, Bubby Wubby?
MITZI: Then, like, come back with Nurse Mitzi so she can take your vittles!
BUB: You’re a nurse?
MITZI: Like, duh! Doesn’t the pwetty white hat with the red cross and my white thigh highs, like, totally give it away? Mizti’s also, like, a part time therapy unicorn if you ever totally need some special attention!
MITZI: OK, Bubby Wubby… it’s time to take your temperature!
Bub opens his mouth as the thermometer goes under his tongue.
MITZI: Oopsies! Like, Nurse Mitzi totally forgot that’s a butthole thermometer!
BUB: (Violently spitting out the misplaced instrument) You put a rectal thermometer in my mouth!?!?
MITZI: We’ll totally do it right this time!
BUB: AAAAA!!!! Just how far do you need to stick that up my…
MITZI: Oh, you can totally take more! Like, doesn’t it feel good when I…
Mitzi begins moving the thermometer in and out…
MITZI: OK, Nurse Mitzi will just write down your temperature as 69.6. Now it’s time to take your, like, blood pressure!
BUB: (Rolling up a sleeve) Well, at least you can’t possibly mess this up…
MITZI: Oh, Nurse Mitzi doesn’t take blood pwessure from you arm. Nurse Mitzi likes to check a different member instead!
BUB: Errrrrrrr….. and where’s your blood pressure sleeve?
Nurse Mitzi devilishly licks her lips.
BUB: I’m afraid you can’t do that.
MITZI: (Pouty lipped) Pweeeeeeeeeease????? Like, OMGZ! You, like…. totally….
BUB: That’s why I’m at the doc’s office, toots. I don’t have a weewee.
MITZI: Oh, you poor, poor critter! Like, Nurse Mitzi hopes the doccy can totally man you up again! Everyone should have a weewee!
Nurse Mitzi sashays out of the examination room, leaving Bub to wait for the doctor.
Two hours later…
BUB: Man, I’m thirsty. (Fills a disposable cup with water from the sink) Ahhhh, that hit the spot!
TROLL: (Entering room) I’ll take that.
BUB: Excuse me? Are you the doctor?
TROLL: No, I’m just the aide who collects the stool samples.
TROLL: And that would be one of our specimen cups you’re drinking out of.
BUB: Please tell me…
TROLL: I was coming to wash it out so we can reuse it as part of our eco-friendly program, but I see you already did that for us. Carry on!
BUB: I better skip the vodka tonight and just drink an entire bottle of Listerine.
Two hours later…
BUB: Hey, this butcher paper on the examination table actually feels pretty nice…
The door opens again…
SNUGGLE: Yo, I’m Dr. Snuggle! So, what’s wrong with your ass?
BUB: Well, doc. I have kind of an embarrassing problem…
SNUGGLE: Dude! You don’t have to feel awkward here! The only way I can treat your issue is for you to be as open and frank with me about your problem. There’s nothing to be ashamed of!
BUB: OK. Well, doc, when I was a little boy, my weewee fell off and never grew back.
SNUGGLE: Dude, no way!!! Man, what a loser!
BUB: (Getting embarrassed) I thought you said…
SNUGGLE: Dude, a guy without a schlong has some serious issues! (Turning outside to some passing nurses) Yo, chicks! Come in here and check this guy out! He ain’t got a dick!
Bub turned fifty shades of pink with embarrassment as the giddy nurses looked and laughed at his predicament before going back to doing their nurse things.
SNUGGLE: Man, this case’ll finally get me published in the New England Journal of Medicine! Or maybe Hustler!
RAINY: Excuse me, doctor, but the next patient is in Room 13 and needs to be seen immediately.
SNUGGLE: Yeah, whatever. I’mma go do my job earning my six figure salary. I’ll come back to look at your peckerless problem later.
Bub is once again left alone with his dashed thoughts and dreams…
Two hours later…
The door opens…
BUB: Hey, you’re not the doc!
FUZZYWIG: No, I’m a drug rep here to shill my pharmaceuticals to dumbass doctors while taking away critical time spent with patients. I might just have the wonder drug with me to cure what ails you.
BUB: I kinda doubt that… my problem’s a bit…. unique.
FUZZYWIG: Lucky for you, this herbal medicine is a cure all!
FUZZYWIG: Introducing The Good Stuff! Now available without a prescription.
BUB: Isn’t that MARIHUANA? That’s not going to help me grow my weewee back.
FUZZYWIG: No, but after just one dose of MARIHUANA, it won’t bother you anymore that you don’t have one. Now I have some free samples here that…
FUZZYWIG: Seriously, dude?
SHADOW: I am here with an important legal disclaimer that must accompany all public advertisements of this FDA approved medication!
MARIHUANA (Cannabis Upinsmokeus) is a medication that should only be used as directed. Possible side effects from the use of MARIHUANA include vomiting, nausea, sore throat, itchy and watery eyes, migraines, severe toejam, swelling of the navel, constipation, diarrhea, liver and kidney damage…
FUZZYWIG: You’re full of shit!
… blocked arteries, hard nipples, hair loss, gallstones, stretch marks, tapeworms, green urine, stinky feet, hoof and mouth disease, gout, hemorrhoids, asteroids, rigormortis, heart attack, stroke, brain fog, acne, and death!
BUB: Is that all?
Do not use MARIHUANA if you have or have ever had liver disease, a brain tumor, whooping cough, nosebleeds, a tramp stamp, are nursing or pregnant, or ever intend to have barnyard sex. Do not use MARIHUANA if you are operating heavy machinery, reading Shelf Critter Theatre, listening to reggae music, running from the police, running for public office, masturbating, sitting in the first four rows of your classroom, your name is Joe Friday, or any combination of the above.
SHADOW: My work here is done!
FUZZYWIG: And of course, he’s off in a puff of smoke. What a hypocrite!
The doctor returns…
SNUGGLE: Dafuq? Dude, I told you a hundred times to go peddle your dope somewhere else!
FUZZYWIG: Yeah, just keep rejecting alternative medicine there, C. Everett Koop. Like you don’t swipe my samples when I’m not looking anyway. I’ve got a 4:20 appointment at the grade school playground I need to mosey off to… adios!
SNUGGLE: Well, I got good news, Stubby! I found you an organ donor!
BUB: What happened to him!?!? He told me he was only in for an insurance physical!
SNUGGLE: Yeah, I put him to the test and he wound up dying too easily to get pre-approved. I mean, one scalpel through the heart was enough to do him in! Who’d want to insure that shoddy possum?
TROLL: His weiner’s still in good shape, though!
SNUGGLE: Yeah! So I thought…
BUB: Wait! You want to put a possum weewee on me!?!?
SNUGGLE: Sure! It’s better than nothing, right? And did you know possums have a forked penis?
BUB: Why would I want a forked weewee!?!?
MITZI: Nurse Mitzi could, like, totally get DP without the threesome!
SNUGGLE: Dude! You’d be such a hit with the chicks packing that double barreled shotgun!
BUB: NO!!! I just want a regular, plain old…
SNUGGLE: Dammit! Have you been down in the morgue again you mangy mutt?
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THE BRAIN BONE’S CONNECTED TO THE DICK BONE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SNUGGLE: Heyyyyy, wait a minute! There’s a perfect specimen of a human bone to help give you back your morning wood!
BUB: I don’t think I want a bone attached to my…
SNUGGLE: Hey nurse! Anesthetic!
Two hours and one weewee attachment surgery later…
SNUGGLE: Look at that! There’s a bone any dude would be proud to have on their crotch!
MITZI: And, like, any woman would be proud to totally have in their crotch!
BUB: This is ridiculous! It won’t ever go down!
SNUGGLE: You’ll save a fucking fortune on Viagra! And last longer than four hours!
RAINY: I told you not to use super glue, Dr. Dumbass! That shit never works!
SNUGGLE: Yeah, well those hyperactive kids in the waiting room used up all of our duct tape making mummies out of the unsuspecting sleep study patients! I guess we’ll have to start over…
BUB: You’re all a bunch of quacks! I’m out of here!!!
SNUGGLE: So long, dickless!
RAINY: Don’t forget to pay your bill, because our collection agency uses skunk gas!
MITZI: Awwwww, no DP for Nurse Mitzi!
On his way out of the waiting room, Bub’s attention is drawn to one of the ads in the old scandal sheet Buster was reading…
BUB: Rub, rub, rub!
HUNG LO: Hung Lo told you ten thousand times you can not rub Buddha for new weewee!
BUB: I can always dream. And besides, in my condition, this is the only way I can “rub the Buddha.” Rub, rub, rub….
HUNG LO: You can go through airport turnstile sideways all you want, but you never going to Bangkok…