RICKY: Good morning, children. I’m Pastor Ricky, and I’d like to welcome you all to Vacation Bible School. Your parents have sent you here to enrich your religious brainwash… I mean, education…
TINA: Actually, my Aunt Scratchy sent me here because it’s free daycare.
RICKY: Yes, but…
SQUIRREL CHILD 1: And we’re just getting out of the house before mom goes on another murderous rampage again.
RICKY: Sigh. The important thing is that you’re all here now, and can be enlightened in the ways of the Lord. And summer Bible school can be fun as well!
ZEEBA: Are we gonna tear shit up?
RICKY: No, we’re not gonna tear sh… I mean…. stuff up.
ZEEBA: Bullshit!!! I wanna do some smiting!
BEARCAT: Settle down, Sis!
RICKY: Now now. Our first lesson is going to be about Noah’s Ark. You all know the story about Noah, right? God was going to create a flood over the entire earth, and Noah had to gather up two of each critter to survive the cataclysm…
TROLL: Ma’am, you better get on board the ark now. It’s about to rain for forty days and forty nights.
RAINY: What forecast have you been watching? It’s supposed to be sunny and hot for the rest of the year!
TROLL: Ma’am, my meteorologist has a pretty big say in the weather, and I’m warning you that…
RAINY: You’re trying to trick me onto that ark to be a part of your big Love Boat critter orgy you plan on having!
TROLL: What!?!? No, I mean we’d never….. hmmmm, I didn’t think of that! Man, it’s gonna be a wild month and a half! I better buy some condominiums…
RAINY: See if you can survive this plague, prevert!
SQUIRREL CHILD 2: That story sucked!
RICKY: As a special treat for everyone today, I brought in the two foxes who were actually aboard Noah’s Ark!
RICKY: These two foxes alone helped to repopulate the vulpine species once the flood waters receded…
FEMALE FOX: I don’t think so. Not with Mr. erectile dysfunction here.
MALE FOX: Honey, please! You’re embarrassing me!
FEMALE FOX: Oh, and it wasn’t embarrassing for me to run around in heat for years with no other male fox to throw this dog a bone? It’s a good thing I made the conscious decision not to have children anyway.
RICKY: But….. but how come there are so many foxes today if you didn’t….
SHADOW: My cloning ray is a success!!! Too bad the offpsring look about as bright as a black hole at midnight. But with this army, I just might be able to take over the world!
MR. FOXES: (In stereo) ………………………………………………………..
RICKY: Would you two heathens please leave my classroom? I’m so very sorry you had to hear about those awful, evil stories from our guests…
ZEEBA: Yo, Preach! When are we gonna talk about Revelations?
RICKY: But that’s at the end… and it’s not very lighthearted and child friendly…
ZEEBA: Fuck that! I want BLOOD! Rivers of BLOOD!!!! Forty days and forty nights of BLOOD!!!!
BEARCAT: You’re really wound up today, Sis!
RICKY: Nothing a good exorcism couldn’t fix. Now please, let’s move on to the story of the burning bush…
TINA: Didja bring the burning bush in for us to look at?
RICKY: No, heathen, I did not bring in…
SQUIRREL CHILD 3: Then what’s that smell?
RICKY: Put that away! This is a non-smoking church!
FUZZYWIG: I’m not smoking, I’m toking, dude.
SQUIRREL CHILD 4: Can we try some of your burning bush, mister?
FUZZYWIG: Of course! This should be a learning moment!
RICKY: What? No!!!! You can’t…
CHILD 4: Like this?
FUZZYWIG: You got it, dude! Hold it in until the mellow starts to kick in, and don’t forget to pass the plate.
LITTLEST: I’m next or I’m telling Mommy!!!
RICKY: No children! This is not the burning bush! Please return to your pews at once, children, or…. I must begin praying to deliver us from this evil!
FUZZYWIG: There, now look how happy your flock is.
RICKY: This is church! They are not supposed to be happy!!!
FUZZYWIG: Yeah. I’m buzzing out of here Oral Roberts. Adios, kiddos! And don’t forget to read Jamaicans 4:20 in your Good Books…
RICKY: Now look, children. We need to forget about all of these unholy acts that have taken place so far and concentrate on learning about the good of the Lord…. uh….
RICKY: Pardon me, but where has your little brother gone to?
CHILD 1: Beats me!
CHILD 2: He mighta gone to the potty!
CHILD 3: To play with his nuts!
CHILD 4: (Giggling) Yeah, that’s it!
RICKY: No, I see him…… Oh my….. deity whose name I can’t take in vain!
LITTLEST: Howdy (hic!) Pastor!
RICKY: That wine is for sacraments, and you’re not old enough to be drinking it anyway! You MUST be punished! I want you to go straight to hell!
LITTLEST: Isn’t that far away? Mommy says I can’t leave the neighborhood!
RICKY: No! Hell is what I call our time out corner. You need to sit there for one hour!
LITTLEST: (Pointing at Caper) But what about her? She’s drunk too!
RICKY: You’re so drunk you’re seeing unholy visions! (Pointing) Go to hell, NOW!
CAPER: Sometimes it pays to be the (hic!) invisible one!
LITTLEST: What are you?
DEVIL: I’m the chaperone of hell. My job is to deliver damnation, and stick you in the buns with this pitchfork.
LITTLEST: You do and I’m telling Mommy!!!!
RICKY: Sigh, now class, we should start with Genesis…
TINA: My Aunt Scratchy HATES Phil Collins!
RICKY: Lord, please give thou the strength to not kill today. No, I mean….. OH NO!!!!
RICKY: What happened here!?!?
ZEEBA: This possum just got raptured!
BEARCAT: Yeah, he musta ran into the man from Mars!
RICKY: Oh goodness…. you are lucky it’s not a sin to murder a possum, but now what are we going to do with him?
HUNG LO: Perfect meat for next Saturday’s barbecue to raise money for the church bingo. Hung Lo will take…
RICKY: Wait a minute! Aren’t you Buddhist?
HUNG LO: I thought this church welcomed all faiths. Besides, Hung Lo Jehovah’s Witness. I have summons right here to appear at Jehovah’s trial next month! HA! HA! HA! HA!
ZEEBA: Come back with my raptured soul, you blood thief!!!
HUNG LO: Here, Have copy of The Watchtower as compensation. Good day.
RICKY: Now children. The Lord has been testing our faith today, and I really think we should all spend the next half hour praying for His divine guidance…
TINA: That’s BORING!!!
CHILD 3: Yeah! We want another story!
CHILD 4: Something with superheroes!
RICKY: Well, I guess we can try something from the New Testament…
RICKY: Do I even want to know?
MITZI: I’m, like, here to teach the kiddies about the totally bestest character in the whole Bible! Mitzi Magdalene!!!
RICKY: But she was a…
MITZI: I know!!! It’s, like the world’s oldest professor! Mitzi Mags, like, totally had it going on in the best little whorehouse in Nazareth!
MITZI: So I, like, totally have a Biblical demonstration for all you kyooties out there!
BEARCAT: Hi mom!
MITZI: Hi little grrl! Now, let me totally introduce you to my partner for this scene!
RICKY: Who is this!?!?
MITZI: It’s, like, Rainbow Jesus!
RICKY: He is NOT our Savior!
RAINBOW DONKEY: Haven’t you ever heard of the song “Jesus Was A Unicorn?”
MITZI: (Checking under the dreamcoat of her amazing technicolor Jesus) Oh my! He has, like, totally risen!!! Let’s show the kiddies how to totally do some begatting!!!
RICKY: Lord. When you send down the giant lightning strike, please steer it away from your humble servant Ricky, the one pious critter left on this Shelf.
CHILD 1: I saw Mommy and Daddy do that once!
CHILD 2: Really? What happened?
CHILD 3: Mommy went to the kitchen and got the Ginsu knife and they never did that again!
TINA: I haven’t seen this much rolling on the floor since Aunt Applejack took me to that Pentecostal church!
SPARKLEPONY: Sorry I’m late, Pastor Ricky. But I’m dropping my kids off for your Bible schoo….
RD: Now I know why Jesus never got married.
SPARKLEPONY: RAINBOW DONKEY!!!! You come down from Mount Mitzirat THIS INSTANT!!!
RD: Errr, I’m not Rainbow Donkey. I’m Jesus.
MITZI: (In full O-face) Ohhhhhhh JESUS!!!!!!
SPARKLEPONY: I am not believing the testimony of a tramp, mister!
RD: Sorry dear. I was just trying to teach the children some religion.
SPARKLEPONY: They can get a lesson from ADULTERY from some other manwhore! You’ll be sleeping in the outhouse until next Epiphany, mister! And I’ll be nailing your begatting appendage to the cross!!! MARCH!!!
RD: (Slowly turning tail) Yes dear…
MITZI: I guess now that, like, the holy rolling is over, Mitzi will go back to the nunnery and find some sex-ay lingerie that totally goes with my new habit!
RICKY: Yeah, you do that. Before we all get covered in fifty feet of fresh brimstone.
RICKY: Kids, I think we’re going to have to cut this morning’s class a bit short due to unforeseen prophecies.
TINA: No way!!!
CHILD 4: But this is the coolest Bible class ever!
RICKY: NO! The things you have witnessed today will scar you for life, and lead you to an eternity rotting away in the Goodwill Store of despair! You must forget….
EVIL SQUIRREL: What’s going on here?
RICKY: And the critter interrupting my sermon would be….?
ES: Ummmmm…. nobody in particular. Just, you know…. God.
RICKY: You don’t look like God.
ES: And you don’t look like a Shelf critter…
ES: Kids, what do you think of your pastor here?
CHILD 1: He’s a loser!
TINA: Yeah, this dude sucks!
ZEEBA: His strict ass needs to be drawn and quartered by the four horsemen!
RICKY: But children! I must be strict in order for you to stay on the path to salvation and see the light…
ES: Ricky! You’ve failed me again!!! I want you to go straight to hell! And I don’t mean your corner over there where the altar boys go to jerk off to pictures of Mitzi…. I mean….
RICKY: (Gulp) The REAL hell?
ES: My executive washrooms!!! You will clean them…. NOW! And I’m warning you, I had the potluck chileh from last week’s church ladies fundraiser, and it looks like an the Ti-D-Bol apocalypse in there!
RICKY: Yes… my Lord.
ES: And Troll took the wire brush home for his hair, so you’ll have to use your fingernails to remove the crusties!
Ricky quickly runs out into the hallway… one hand trying to pray for his soul and the other over his mouth trying not to lose his daily bread.
ES: Now I need to find a new pastor who is actually good with children! I think I know the perfect candidate!
SNUGGLE: Awesome toss, Tina! You got a ringer on the Tower of Babel!
TINA: YAY! These Bible games are actually fun!
ZEEBA: Pastor Snuggie! Is it OK if I sacrifice this skunk to the God of Blood?
SNUGGLE: Knock yourself out, kid! God would want it that way.
TINA: So, do I get my candy back?
SNUGGLE: Gotta get it yourself, sweetie! Let’s go back to the rectory….