A Dog’s Life

a box full of junk

It’s time to open up that hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall’s porch and hold the image contained within to our heads so we can divine our next post from it in another crazy edition of Random Image Inspiration!  Let’s see if the Randomator can find us something truly worthy of RII glory this week…

29, 79, 16, 14

The 29th post in my Reader was this one by Marilyn (Her SYW response.  Mine will come tomorrow)

The 79th word in that post is “just”

The 16th word in that post is “can”

Putting “just can” into Google Images brought this up as the 14th result…

Well, since I can’t seem to be bothered to actually come up with a proper Shelf Critter Theatre episode on Fridays most weeks, let’s try another RII mini SCT today!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Alright, mutt.  Both hands are almost on the four, and you know what that means.  It’s mellow time.  (Claps paws together) Go on, scram!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I WAS HERE FIRST! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: I would end up with the only dog to flunk out of remedial obedience school.  Alright, since you refuse to obey your master, I guess I’m going to have to resort to drastic measures to keep you in line…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: That’s right, you’re getting the belt!  Now, take this you mangy mongrel!!!

SLIDER: Excuse me, sir…

FUZZYWIG: Well, shit.  I must have left the front door open again.  Go away, we don’t want any.

SLIDER: Were you going to use that belt to beat your dog?

FUZZYWIG: No, I was going to see if it matched his tuxedo for the pound prom.  Uhhh, yeah, I was going to beat his ass with it.

SLIDER: That is NOT acceptable treatment of a beloved pet!

FUZZYWIG: Fleabag isn’t beloved by anyone.  Even his own mother dumped him out of a moving van when he was young.

SLIDER: I’ve already informed PETA of the barbaric conditions this poor animal has to suffer with, and they have sent a protester on the way to deal with you!

FUZZYWIG: A PETA protester, you say?

SAGE: Naked protester chick reporting for duty!  (Points at Fuzzywig) You, sir, are a cruel critter!

SLIDER: See all of the trouble you’ve got coming now?

FUZZYWIG: I’m thinking about all of the trouble I can get into with my new visitor.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! IS THAT A BONG IN YOUR PANTS, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE HER? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SAGE: Don’t worry, beautiful creature.  I will protect you from this evil, evil tyrant!

FUZZYWIG: Damn.  If I knew all I had to do to get a naked chick to visit me was to beat my dog, I’d have done it sooner.

SAGE: I will NOT let you harm this little furbaby!  You will NOT touch him with your violent paws….

SAGE: Dafuq!?!?

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! YOU AND ME BABY AIN’T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SAGE: Get off of me, you beast!!!  Stop….. what is that poking at my…..!?!?!?!?

SAGE: BAD DOG!!!!  BAD!!!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! PUPPY ABUSE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: If you can’t beat ’em, beat ’em.

SLIDER: Well, this is a revolting turn of events.

FUZZYWIG: So, can I sell him off to the Chinese buffet now?

SLIDER: No, you can’t sell him off to…. ummmm, hey, that’s got me hungry now.

FUZZYWIG:  Off we go to Hung Lo’s, mutt, so you can be someone’s cause for indigestion tonight.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I TASTE LIKE SHIT! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SLIDER: Care to put some clothes on and join me for dinner, miss?

SAGE: I dunno….. is Chinese vegan?

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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16 Responses to A Dog’s Life

  1. I’m equally outraged at the beast abuse (hey! Dogs have needs too!) and cackling my head off at the witty satiric nature of this post. Yay for Shelf Critter Theatre (notice the snobby spelling of ‘theater’? We ain’t no hicks from the sticks up in here, ‘yo). Now I admit to being confused. The Barbie clone (Sage?) has clothes on or my PC has totally become PG-13 and no nudity allowed. Or I’m finally going bat sighted…. Um. Also RUN Fleabag, RUN!! Hung-Lo’s already has a shady rep for serving mystery meat. How do I know that? We’ve got one of their franchises up here…we HAD one to be more precise. That grease fire and the visit from the Health Department after all those people got sick from eating there shut ’em down. Dog owners (and cats, rats and bats O my) everywhere rejoiced too.

    • The Nest spells it “Theatre” as well, because it gives the gang that certain hoity toity accent to their low class humor. Unfortunately, that was as naked as Sage gets (I removed her skirt… they probably lock people up for undressing dolls). She is also a half human half skunk hybrid, which was why I bought her in the first place…. so she’s…. unique. I think every town has one of “those” kind of Asian eateries, which is why it’s a recurring gag between Fuzzy and Fleabag.

  2. Photofinland says:

    Stop, stop! Dogs are not for making food, what a terrible thought, get Fleabag back NOW!

  3. You gave me a nice chuckle this morning. Our dogs would LOVE to join us in bed, but the Scotties are too short and can’t make the jump — and if we put the up on the bed, they are likely to break jumping off. Both are 13 years old and they can’t be allowed to think they are puppies, even if I’d enjoy the company. Now, El Duque, HE can jump higher than many kites and faster than ye olde speeding bullet. The only dog he humps regularly is Gibbs who basically ignores it
    (Gibbs ignores a lot of things — I think he’s a bit deaf) and after her bath, he though Bonnie look yummy, but she tried to remove his snout and he decided he’d admire her from afar, thanks all the same.

    Sometimes your critter theatre mimics the actualy antics of our household to an amazing extent. I STILL have something to send you and I haven’t because he’s really heavy and I have not found a way to reason with the post office about this. I bet I could if I were Amazon! Anyway, I’m going to take it over to UPS and see if they will offer me a better deal as soon as the temps drop below 90 and the humidity drops enough to make it possible to breathe the air. I also need to figure out a way to send something to Canada without paying a fortune in taxes for a used movie.

    You’re gonna love it, if you ever actually GET it.

  4. Wait, now you live in Korea? I think I need to go back to bed to snuggle with a Ninja.

  5. Bad dog indeed! lol
    Your critters are so wonderfully….ugh they are very well behaved given the situations that they find themselves in. lol

  6. Merbear74 says:

    I bet he’s chewy too.

  7. MMM…I wonder if “Fleabag McNuggets” are on menus in Korea? I guess we could ask Sage if Fleabag even HAS nuggets but that would be rude.
    Pam

    • I don’t think she waited to see if Fleabag was “locked and loaded” before she started wailing on his horny butt. But there was that episode where Fuzzywig sent Fleabag to be neutered only to end up being the one who got denutted…

  8. draliman says:

    “Just can”? I’m pretty sure that dog in the photo just can’t.
    I don’t remember Slider. Is this his first starring role?

    • Typing “slider” into my blog’s search engine reveals that this is his 7th speaking role in some form of SCT…. one Bashful episode (he was the patsy in Fuzzywig’s moving cups game), two proper editions of SCT, one edition of my Buster Death Advent Calendar, two appearances now in Random Image Inspiration posts… and maybe his best role was participating in the ending of my Wizard of Oz parody last year. Even with only a few spotty appearances, he’s already been killed twice (Once by Snuggle and once by Ninja on a Skateboard),…

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