TROLL: All rise!!! (Looking downward and whispering) No, not you little buddy! Last time I got wood on the job I was held in contempt. Ahem, the Honorable Uncle Sam is presiding!
UNCLE SAM: Bailiff Troll, why are all of the peasants not standing for me?
TROLL: Um, I don’t know, Your Honor. Hey YOU! On your feet for the judge!!!
BROTHER BEAR: Oh, sorry, I’m afraid I’m physically unable to stand up.
SAM: You have three seconds to get off of your fat ass, son, or I’ll hold you in contempt for the rest of your natural life!
BROTHER BEAR: I mean no disrespect, sir. You see, I have a manufacturing defect, and….
SAM: Time’s up!
Troll whips out his taser and zaps the lying bear into a stupor before he is carried off to the dungeon by several unseen court lackeys.
TROLL: Now presenting our main event! The Critters vs. Snuggle Z. Bear, who is charged with one count of first degree crittercide!
SNUGGLE: I didn’t do it!!! I swear!!!
SAM: One more outburst like that and I’ll have you thrown in chains!
SNUGGLE: Damn, this judge is a kinky mother!
SHADOW: Shut up, you fool! Or you’re going to lose this case for me and stain my unblemished record as a defense attorney.
CHIP: You Honor, if it would please the court, may I request some desks for the litigants?
SAM: It would please the court if you’d shut you piehole, Prosecutor.
CHIP: But I have no place to keep my legal briefs!
SNUGGLE: Dude! Nobody cares about your tighty whiteys! At least we wear boxers like real men, right counselor?
SHADOW: Actually, we umbreons prefer to…. what is it you earthlings say? Go commando?
CHIP: I guess I’ll have to let my partner hold my briefs…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FOOD COURT! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
CHIP: Thanks a lot for chewing up all of my important research there, partner.
SAM: Get this mutt out of my courtroom! No dogs are allowed!
CHIP: Your Honor, this is my service dog, and there are no shortage of attorneys here today who would represent him in a discrimination lawsuit against you.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I’ll SUE YA! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SAM: Can we get started with this trial please? I have an important political rally to attend this evening…
CHIP: Yes, Your Honor. The Critters would like to call their first witness, Rainy Skunk!
TROLL: Ma’am, would you please place your right paw on the Bible?
RAINY: That’s not a Bible! That’s a bathroom reader!
TROLL: Well, we don’t have a real Bible here on the Shelf, so we had to make do with…
RAINY: I’m not touching that disgusting thing! Who knows where it’s been!!!
SAM: Sigh, just seat the witness, Troll.
CHIP: Ms. Rainy, would you please tell the courtroom where you were on the afternoon of June 9th.
RAINY: Yes, I was at my window holding out my rain gauge…. waiting…. praying for it to rain even just a little bit!
CHIP: Yes, and did you notice anything peculiar happen?
RAINY: No, it didn’t rain at all… just like it hasn’t rained for the last 900 years on this awful Shelf!
CHIP: But did you notice anything else unusual while you were collecting not rain?
RAINY: Yes. I saw a bear down on the street knife an ugly looking possum!
CHIP: Is that bear in this courtroom today, ma’am?
RAINY: Yes, that creepy looking weirdo over there (points at Snuggle)
SNUGGLE: Dude, I am not creepy or a weirdo! Judge! The witness is bullying me…
CHIP: Let the record state that the witness identified the defendant! I have no further questions!
SNUGGLE: Go get ‘er, Perry Mason!
SHADOW: You state that you saw a bear wield a knife at a possum from your window. How far from the window did this incident take place.
RAINY: How should I know? My rain gauge only measures up to five inches! Get a tape measure if you…
SHADOW: I did get a tape measure, and your window is a full 300 feet from the crime scene. How can you be positive the bear you saw is the defendant?
RAINY: Are you questioning my integrity!?!?
SHADOW: No ma’am, just your eyesight. Your eyes appear to be turning red, I can’t imagine you can see well through bloody irises like that.
RAINY: Your eyes are red too, mister fancypants attorney!!!
SHADOW: My eyes aren’t the ones in question here… Your Honor, permission to treat as a hostile witness.
SAM: (Looking up from his smartphone) Huh? Oh, sure, whatever.
RAINY: Hostile? You think I’m hostile!?!? Justice may be blind, but I’ll sure bet it has a good sense of smell…
RAINY: Allow me to clear the courtroom.
SAM: I think we better (cough, hack!) take a ten minute (gag, barf!) recess here…
Ten minutes and twenty industrial sized fans later….
SAM: Please call your nest witness, Prosecutor.
CHIP: The Critters call Fuzzywig Raccoon to the stand!
TROLL: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Dog?
FUZZYWIG: Is that a multiple choice question? I’ll take nothing but the truth.
SAM: Please be seated!
CHIP: Mr. Fuzzywig, would you tell the court where you were on the afternoon of June 9th.
FUZZYWIG: Uhhhhhh….. I’m not even sure where I am right now.
CHIP: The date you claim to have witnessed a murder!
FUZZYWIG: Oh, that. Yeah, I remember going out for a little fresh air and seeing some big dude cut up a little dude.
CHIP: Is that big dude in the courtroom right now?
FUZZYWIG: Uh, yeah. There he is, right over there.
SAM: Let the record state that the witness pointed to the globe in the corner of the courtroom.
CHIP: Would you like to try again, Mr. Fuzzywig? Maybe who you’re looking for is (nudging his head towards Snuggle Bear) over there?
SHADOW: Objection, Your Honor! Leading the witness!
CHIP: And your client is trying to confuse the witness with those fake glasses! Your Honor, please make the witness remove them!
SNUGGLE: Dude, I’ve been wearing glasses all my life! I need them to see porn on this little bitty phone screen…
SAM: Remove the glasses at once or be held in contempt!
SNUGGLE: Just what is contempt anyway, and why would I be held in it!?!? I think you’re making shit up, judgey!
After receiving the glare of death… er contempt, Snuggle removes his spectacles.
FUZZYWIG: Oh yeah, that’s him.
CHIP: No further questions! Your witness…
SHADOW: Mr. Fuzzypants…
FUZZYWIG: It’s Fuzzywig, dude.
SHADOW: Do you recall the precise time in the afternoon you claim to have seen this murder take place?
FUZZYWIG: Well yeah, it was…… uh……
SHADOW: Twenty after four, perhaps?
FUZZYWIG: Yeah. Give or take a toke…
SHADOW: And were you under the influence of any mind altering drugs at that time?
FUZZYWIG: Errrrr, hey, Wapner. Mind if I plead the Fifth here?
SAM: Absolutely not! I run my courtroom strictly by the Constitution, son! Answer the damned question!
FUZZYWIG: Eh…. maybe I was smoking a bit of the Good Stuff while this was going on…
SHADOW: And by “Good Stuff” you mean MARIHUANA, don’t you Mr. Fuzzywig?
FUZZYWIG: You make it sound like a bad thing…
SHADOW: And you expect us to believe you can be trusted to identify a murder suspect while intoxicated with MARIHUANA…
FUZZYWIG: The Good Stuff…
SHADOW: I have no further questions!
CHIP: At this time, the prosecution would like to call its star witness…. Mr. Buster Possum!
SHADOW: Your Honor, this is highly irregular! Buster Possum is the murder victim in this trial!!!
CHIP: And who better to serve as a witness against his murderer than the victim himself?
BUSTER: Hello everyone! Hi, Your Honor!
SAM: Mr. Possum, how is it that you’re alive to testify at the trial of your own murder?
BUSTER: Oh, that’s simple, Your Honor! I respawn every episode!
SHADOW: Dead critters tell no tales!!!
SAM: He doesn’t look dead to me. I’ll allow this witness.
CHIP: Mr. Possum, please tell the court where you were on the afternoon of June 9th.
BUSTER: I was walking down the middle of the road just minding my own business when out of nowhere this critter comes up to me with a knife and demands my money!
CHIP: Do you recognize Exhibit X here?
BUSTER: Yeah! That’s the knife that guy stabbed me with! There’s still some of my dried up spleen stuck to the edges!
CHIP: Let the record state that the witness has identified Exhibit X as the murder weapon! And after you gave the attacker your money, tell us what happened next.
BUSTER: Well, he stabbed me in the gut…
CHIP: You mean like this?
BUSTER: Oooh! Yeah, and it hurts like the dickens too!
CHIP: Then what happened?
BUSTER: Well, I turned away from the attacker and his next thrust pierced my kidney!
BUSTER: Yeah, a lot like that! Hey, you’re good at this Mr. Prosecutor!
CHIP: Move to strike the witness’ last statement from the record! And speaking of striking, what was the finishing blow, Mr. Possum?
BUSTER: On my back and bleeding out, he rammed the knife right through my heart!
BUSTER: Yeah! Just…….. like……………………………..
CHIP: And Mr. Possum, is the critter who murdered you in this courtroom today?
CHIP: Mr. Possum? Aw, shoot! I should’ve asked that before the demonstration! Eh, no further questions! Your witness, Mr. Shadow.
SHADOW: Errrrr, pass.
SAM: Bailiff Troll!
TROLL; Yeah, yeah, I know! How come I have to do all of the dirty jobs around here? Can’t we hire a real janitor?
SAM: This is a part of your community service. Now, Prosecutor Chip…
CHIP: Your Honor, the Prosecution rests!
SHADOW: Your Honor, the defense has one witness to call that will provide the defendant with an airtight alibi for the time of the crime! The defense calls…..
SHADOW: ….Miss Mitzi Bimbocorn to the stand!
MITZI: Like, hai and stuff!!! OMG, this must totally be Judge Judy’s day off unless she grew a beard!
TROLL: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Dog?
MITZI: Like, totally!!! Does this mean I can sit next to the judgey wudgey now?
TROLL: Ma’am, please refer to the judge as Your Honor!
SAM: Quiet, Troll! In this instance…. I think I’ll allow this witness to call me whatever she wishes.
MITZI: Like, thankies judgey wudgey cutie pie!!!
SHADOW: Now Miss Mitzi, please tell the court where you were on the afternoon of June 9th.
MITZI: Oh, like, Mitzi totally remembers where she was that day because it was 6/9 and Mitzi just had to find a special somebody to celebrate with!
SHADOW: And who was this special somebody?
MITZI: Oh, Mitzi, like, never kisses and tells! It’s totally a secret to everyone!
SHADOW: But Miss Mitzi, you need to tell us…
SNUGGLE: Mitzi! I’m dying here! Literally! Go ahead and spill, I can use the reputation!
MITZI: ‘Kay, it was totally Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear over there! He, like, practically threw himself at me and Mitzi’s never backed down from a good time before!
SHADOW: And just how long were you…. um… occupied with Snuggie Wugg… I mean, the defendant?
MITZI: Oh, we were, like, doing the birds and the bees thing all day and night! Mitzi’s, like, never been so used before!
TROLL: Damn, you lucky dog!
SNUGGLE: Dude, I was picking coochie splinters out of the ol’ magic wand once we were through banging each other senseless!
SHADOW: So Miss Mitzi, there is no way the defendant could have been out on the street that afternoon to commit this heinous crime?
MITZI: Like OMG! You just said “anus” in court! You, like, totally need to be punished mister bad lawyer!
SHADOW: Please just answer the question ma’am before you make my Pokeballs any more uncomfortable than they already are…
MITZI: Oh. Like, totally! We were in bed the whole glorious day!
SHADOW: No further questions! You witness, loser!
CHIP: I wouldn’t be so cocky about an “airtight” alibi from a bimbo…
MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, totally airtight! Right Snuggie Wuggie?
SNUGGLE: Yeah! In BOTH places!!!
SAM: One more explicit innuendo in my courtroom and I’ll hold everyone in contempt…. in separate rooms!!!
CHIP: Miss Mitzi, you claim that the defendant never left your bedroom on the day in question.
MITZI: Like, no Mr. Prostitutor! ‘Cept maybe to get a beer or two from the fridge.
CHIP: And the whole time you two were…… you know…..
MITZI: Come on, Chippy Wippy! You can totally say we were doing it!!!
CHIP: Hmmmmmm…. I don’t see how that’s possible, given that the defendant has a chronic case of erectile dysfunction!!!
SNUGGLE: DUDE!!!! Like, OBJECTION!!!! That’s personal information, bro!!!
CHIP: So it’s true, Mr. Snuggle, that you have issues getting your flag past half mast!
SNUGGLE: NO! That’s a lie!!! I’m harder than a redwood tree planted in cement! I’m more virile than an internet video! I….
CHIP: Do you recognize Exhibit V here, Mr. Snuggle? This is a prescription for Viagra, in the name of Snuggle Z. Bear, filled at the Shelf pharmacy just across the street from where Buster Possum was murdered…
SAM: The first time…
CHIP: … and dispensed just minutes after the crime happened!
SNUGGLE: Dude, you got it all wrong….
CHIP: You needed a bit of a “lift” for your fling here with Mitzi, so you snuck out her bedroom to pick up these pills, realized you didn’t have any money on your person, and you rolled the first critter you came across to pay for your penis pills!
SNUGGLE: NO!!! I never left!!! Right Mitzi!!!!
MITZI: Oh, like Mitzi totally forgot!!! You did go byebye and left Mitzi all by herself for a while! So Mitzi totally had to take care of her own needs for half an hour…. or maybe it was thirty minutes. Would it, like, totally please the court if Mitzi gave a demonstration of her solo technique with her favorite toy?
SAM: It would greatly please the court! But, let’s save it for in chambers, OK toots?
CHIP: No further questions!
SAM: Alright, this mockery of the Shelf’s justice system has gone on long enough. It’s time to instruct the jury and allow them to deliberate on the fate of the defendant…
FOREWOMAN LUNA: Actually, Your Honor, we’ve already reached a verdict.
SAM: I’m not sure this is how the jury procedure is supposed to work.
LUNA: Oh please! We’ve been discussing this case the whole time it’s been going on, and most of us already have lucrative book deals signed for our stories! We find the bastard GUILTY!!!
SHADOW: Your Honor, this is a travesty! We need to poll the jury!
SAM: I concur. I want to hear it from more than just the mouth of the south here. Juror #4, how do you find?
HAMMY: Oink! Guilty, Your Honor!
SAM: Juror #7, how do you find?
CLETUS: I reckon this fella here’s guilty as sin!
SAM: Juror #5, how do you find?
ZAC: Guilty! Guilty! Totally guilty! Lock him up and throw away the key! And give him the chair! Yeah, the chair!!!!
SAM: And Juror #9, how do you find?
MR. FOX: ……………………………………..
SAM: That’s good enough for me. This court finds the defendant, Mr. Snuggle Z. Bear, guilty of first degree crittercide in the death of Buster Possum!
SNUGGLE: No!!!! This ain’t right!!! I didn’t do anything!!! I….. (turns to Shadow) I only hired you because you said you’ve never lost a case before!!!
SHADOW: And I hadn’t. I guess my record in the courtroom is now zero wins and one loss.
SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!? Are you even an attorney!?!?
SHADOW: No, and I only played one in this episode because the pay was right. Now if you’ll excuse me, this is my time to dismiss myself from the courtroom…
Snuggle Bear’s attorney disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving him to face the music all by him lonesome…
SAM: Snuggle Bear, it’s now time for this court to pronounce your sentence!
SNUGGLE: Is it too late to throw myself on the mercy of the court? It’s not that shameless when I might get the firing squad!
SAM: If I sentenced you to death, the appeals would drag on until everyone involved in this case died of natural causes. I also can’t afford to have you rotting in prison forever due to the overcrowding problem. So instead, I’m going to opt for you to be released to the custody of a parole officer who you will be required to make daily visits to.
SNUGGLE: Aw, judgey… I mean, Your Honor! You’re a swell guy after all! Piece of cake! Meeting with the parole officer every day is a whole lot better than hard time!!!
BIG SCRAT: I don’t know, I think you’ll still be serving plenty of hard time when you check in with me every day for the rest of your life!
SNUGGLE: WHAT!?!?! NOOOO!!!! This is cruel and inhumane!!! Are you sure there isn’t a solitary confinement cell open in Sing Sing or something….
BIG SCRAT: Your Honor, I’ll see to it that Mr. Snuggle Bear doesn’t violate his parole, even if it means I might need to violate him!
SAM: Excellent, Officer Scrat! Keep him on the…. “straight and narrow” path now!
BIG SCRAT: You bet, Your Honor! (Dragging his sobbing new charge by the arm) Let’s go back to my office so I can give you a thorough cavity search!
SAM: Alright, finally! This courtroom is adjourned!
TROLL: Does this mean I can go home now, Your Honor?
SAM: No, I want you to deliver this subpoena first. I’m summoning that bimbo witness to my chambers for a….. debriefing, if you know what I mean.