Come As You Aren’t

CHIP: How did we get rooked into being the judges for this year’s Shelf costume contest?

FUZZYWIG: I don’t know, man.  But at least it means I don’t have to dig through the closet for my Tommy Chong outfit I wore for my fourth grade Halloween party.

CHIP: Is that when you got suspended for bring those special brownies to school?

FUZZYWIG: The principal only kicked me out because I wouldn’t keep supplying him.

CHIP: Well, I’m glad I don’t have to dress up either.  I already feel like my normal critter persona is a disguise on this twisted Shelf!

TROLL: Alright, party on dudes!!!

CHIP: Ummmmm, is that supposed to be a costume?

TROLL: Hell yeah!  This year, I’m going as a roll of duct tape!

FUZZYWIG: Shouldn’t you be sticking the duct tape to your pajamas you wear all the time?

TROLL: No way!  Every time I try to use duct tape, I get it stuck in my hair, then my mom always rips it out really hard!   And then I have to buy more Chia Pet seeds to replace the divots!  No, I’m just a roll of duct tape!

CHIP: OK, that’s pretty lame…. but whatever.

TROLL: I’m gonna rule this party tonight, just you see!

FUZZYWIG: Maybe next year I’ll just put myself in a giant Ziploc and go as a bag of weed…

SPONKIE 2: Is this the big costume party?

CHIP: It sure is.  What are you two supposed to be?

SPONKIE 1: I’m an American football player!

FUZZYWIG: Wearing a helmet from a team that hasn’t existed since pot was still illegal in every state.

SPONKIE 2: And I’m a rugby player!

CHIP: Where’s your helmet at then?

SPONKIE 2: Rugby players don’t wear helmets!  We’re tough!

CHIP: But aren’t you the girl Sponkie?

SPONKIE 2: Fat Barbie taught me that girls can do ANYTHING!  And besides, I’m biologically immune from the squirrel grip!  Right bro?

SPONKIE 1: (Grabbing his jewels) Right sis.

FUZZYWIG: Well, if it isn’t the wicked witch and….. ummmm….

RAINBOW DONKEY: I’m a unicorn.

CHIP: Well, that’s obvious, but what are you supposed to be dressed up as?

SPARKLEPONY: My lazy husband decided that since he’s the most popular Halloween costume of the decade that he can just go as himself.

CHIP: Well, I think your costume is quite dashing at least, Mrs. Sparklepony.

SPARKLEPONY: I don’t even care.  I only came to this party to chaperone my three kids.

FUZZYWIG: I thought you only had the two Sponkies…

SPARKLEPONY: (Punching Rainbow Donkey in the side) No, I definitely have three.  And if I catch him eying up any of the sluts at this party, my next costume will be a lifelike Lorena Bobbitt!

FUZZYWIG: And you annoying kids would be….?

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Isn’t it obvious?

CHILD 2: We’re dressed as those black and orange wrapped candy people give out to unsuspecting trick or treaters!

CHIP: Wow, that’s the same kind of candy I give out on Halloween!

CHILD 3: That stuff is POISON!!!

CHILD 4: You big meanie!!!

LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy!!!!

CHILD 2: Why are so many of the girls showing off their cooties tonight?

FUZZYWIG: You’ll understand when you grow up kids… now run along before I sic my werewolf on you troublemakers!

CHIP: You don’t have a werewolf, Fuzzy!

FUZZYWIG: How do you know?  There isn’t a full moon.

BUSTER: Braaaaainssss!!!  Braaaaaaainssssss!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Buster came as a zombie.  That almost seems like cheating.

BUSTER: I’m pretty convincing as the walking dead, right?

BEARCAT: I hope we’re not late for the party!

ZEEBA: Yeah!  Time to tear shit up!!!!

CHIP: And what are you little girls supposed to be dressed as?

BEARCAT: We’re post-apocalypse zombie killers!

ZEEBA: SIS!!!! LOOK!!!!

ZEEBA: Die zombie!!!!! Die!!!!!!!!!!!

BUSTER: Oh, my spleen!!!!!

CHIP: Holy crap!!!  Shouldn’t your sister be using a plastic prop bleeding knife!?!?

BEARCAT: Naw, Zeebs likes to keep it real.

ZEEBA: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!

BEARCAT: Settle down, sis!

CHIP: Was that really necessary?

ZEEBA: Gotta make sure the evil zombie stays dead!!!  Kill it with FIRE!!!!  (Jumping up and down like crazy) FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!

FUZZYWIG: (Lighting a doob from the burning possum) Eh, it’s almost 4:20 anyway.

UNCLE SAM: Excellent work kids!  Now I won’t have to deport that zombie!

CHIP: And sir, where’s your costume for the contest?

SAM: My costume?  Son, I’m a celebrity billionaire who has been masquerading as a world leader for three years now.  I win!

FUZZYWIG: Uh huh.  Say, why don’t you go over to the barrel there and try bobbing for cow pies?

SAM: Sounds good!  It’s time to make Halloween great again!!!

CHIP: Rainy as a mermaid?  Isn’t that kind of the definition of irony?

RAINY: I’ve always wanted to be a merskunk!  I think I look absolutely adorable!

FUZZYWIG: Eh, maybe now.  But just wait until that tail dries up from not staying wet.

RAINY: Thanks for reminding me that I can’t ever be a real merskunk because it NEVER RAINS ON THIS SHELF!!!!

RAINY: That pisses me off that I can’t live out my fantasy like everyone else can!  It’s time for me to give this stupid holiday a really nasty trick!!!!

CHIP: Uh oh, this is gonna be worse than that time my house was pelted with rotten eggs….

RAINY: (Turning around to admire her handiwork) Huh!?!?  Where did my spray go!?!?!?

CHIP: Well, now that fish tail’s going to actually smell worse than fish…

FUZZYWIG: Fish tails, fish tails, eat them up yum!

Rainy stomps off and goes home to turn out her porchlight…

HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIP: What the heck was that!?!?

BIG SCRAT: Hiya, Chip!  Hiya Fuzzy!  Whaddaya think of me and my partner’s costumes?

FUZZYWIG: I think I caught this scene in a really bad porn movie once when I was too stoned to change the channel.

SNUGGLE: I’m being held against my will!!!  I was gonna bang every chick at this party until this lunatic cuffed me to his arm and made me throw on this prison uniform!

CHIP: I’m not saying anything… just going to wish you a pleasant time at the party tonight.

BIG SCRAT: You bet we’ll have a lot of fun!  It’s time for me to find an interrogation room so I can use my nightstick on my prisoner!  And I don’t mean to beat him with!

SNUGGLE: (Being dragged away to a back room) NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Fancy meeting you at a pagan celebration.

RICKY: I’m just here to pray for the souls of every critter who is attending this unholy festival.  May Dog have mercy on you.

CHIP: Wow, an even bigger killjoy than myself!  The cow pie bobbing is over there… if there’s room enough in the barrel for both you and Uncle Sam’s oversized heads.

BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! 

FUZZYWIG: Really?  I thought I put enough chains on that mutt’s collar to keep him in the basement…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! MEOW! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

CHIP: A dog with cat ears!?!?  That’s….

FUZZYWIG: Ridiculous.  Utterly ridiculous!  If I had a rolled up newspaper right now, I’d teach you a lesson you’d never forget!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PINKIE: OMG!  He’s totes adorbs!!!

APPLEJACK: Swoon!!!

TWILIGHT: Come with us, kittypup!  You’re all ours tonight!

CHIP: Well, ain’t Fleabag a lucky bastard?

FUZZYWIG: I think it’s time to get him neutered.  With a rusty chainsaw….

CHIP: DAFUQ!?!?!?!?

ONE EYED FOX: ……………………….

FUZZYWIG: A cyclops fox.  Brilliant.

CHIP: I have officially seen it all, and I don’t think I’ll ever unsee it all.  You know, the one critter I was sure would be at a Halloween costume party is Mitzi.  I wonder where she is?

Yooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Speak of the devil.

MITZI: No, Mitzi was, like, a sex-ay devil last year!  And a sex-ay angel the year before that.  And a totally sex-ay schoolgirl the year before that.  And a sex-ay funeral home director the year before…

CHIP: I’m sure those costumes were all properly slutty for Halloween.  But what are you supposed to be this year?

MITZI: This year, Mitzi, like, thought it would be funner to be something that Mitzi, like, totally isn’t!  So Mitzi decided to dress up this year as a VIRGIN!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Well, that’s certainly something nobody would ever expect you to be.

CHIP: OK, but exactly how do you dress up as a virgin?

MITZI: Like, easy peasy!  (Mitzi rolls on her back and spreads her legs… like she’s done a million times before)  LOOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIP AND FUZZYWIG: …….???

MITZI: Mitzi, like, reattached her hyphen!!!

FUZZYWIG: (Snorts MARIHUANA remnants from his nose) How do you spell “LOL?”

CHIP: OK, this is too fucked up!  Even for Shelf Critter Theatre, this has gone way, WAY over the line!!!

FUZZYWIG: It’s not a line, Chip, it’s a hyphen!

CHIP: Don’t encourage her, Fuzzy!  I don’t even know what to say about this.

MITZI: Like, you totally don’t have to say anything!  Mitzi’s gonna go out on the floor and totally get her party on now!  Like, toodles!!!

FUZZYWIG: It’s moments like this when I actually feel proud to be a Shelf critter.

CHIP: I’m really just about ready to walk off the set.  That gag, if you can call it one, was just crude and completely unnecessary….

SANTA: HO! HO! HO!!!!

FUZZYWIG: There’s more than three hos at this party, dude!

CHIP: What would bring Santa to a Halloween party?  And where’s your costume?

SANTA: Well, if this Santa suit isn’t good enough for you costume judges, I can always remove it because I still have my elfkini I wear on the beaches of Costa Rica underneath it!

CHIP AND FUZZYWIG: NO!

SANTA: Well then.  Normally I don’t publicly appear until the end of the Thanksgiving Day parade, but since the holiday season now starts on November 1st, I figured I’d just show up at the end of the Halloween party this year!

CHIP: This party is finally over!?!?  Hallelujah!  Not a moment too soon!!!

FUZZYWIG: Santa, can I have a new bong under my tree this year?

SANTA: Sure thing, kid.

CHIP: And that’s mercifully the end of this travesty!

TROLL: SCORE!!!!!!!!!  And you guys said this costume was lame!!!

FUZZYWIG: Congrats, dude!

CHIP: You couldn’t have won the costume contest!  We haven’t even voted on it yet!

FUZZYWIG: We haven’t?  Oh, yeah, I guess we didn’t.

TROLL: Man, fuck the contest!  I mean, this awesome costume scored with the ladies!!!  Check this out!

TROLL: I just tore Mitzi’s hyphen!!!!!!

Chip faints

FUZZYWIG: #MicDrop

SANTA: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!!!!!!!!!!!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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21 Responses to Come As You Aren’t

  1. yeeeah mary christmess! I like the idea to come as a roll of duct tape… our dad says that holds the world together, sou you are quasi the guy without the tin foil hat who can rescue the world ( und who gets a shitstorm at FB for that)

  2. Well now that was a most interesting Halloween costume party. Mitzi loses her refurbished hyphen, the Prez hopefully gets his big head stuck in the cow pie bucket permanently, Zeeba gets her bloodfest, Buster loses his spleen for Halloween and tomorrow it will all feel like a bad dream. Yep – that’s a typical Shelf Halloween alright!

    Pam

  3. Why wait until next year, Fuzzywig? 😁

  4. Okay seriously dude. I almost lost it at “fish tales, fish tales…” because it gave me flashbacks to Dr. Demento (played only in the middle of the night in Utah) and his fish HEADS which were roly poly and he ate them up YUM! (oh my gawd). But the insertion of that fat f*ck who is supposed to be jolly and passing out presents and treats to all the good …and who is in actually a big f*ckin’ LIAR because he never brings big, presumably good, girls any good stuff (not what’s in the ziploc baggie…Fuzzy? That’s ALL yours)..like diamonds, the pink slip to a vintage cherry ’56 Thunderbird (never driven by Mitzi or any of her ilk), or that ten million in tax free dollars or gilt edged securities. He’s a poseur. And he needs to get his fat ass back to Dec 1st where it belongs. There’s some angry old big girls up in here. Who are after his jewels.

    • Fish Heads is awesome… I put it at #3 on my Novelty Song countdown last year. Dr. Demento was a little before my time (I don’t even know if it aired in this area), but I learned of that song from a show on Nickelodeon in the mid 80’s called Turkey TV. It had a lot of good random shit in it that they’d never let kids watch these days. Santa’s a crock… but the Shelf’s version is just as much of an asshole as the real deal… plus he curses.

      • Well the fat forker I’m acquainted with (virtually of course) takes dumps down people’s chimneys. I guess any port in a storm so to speak. Pays not to be ‘naughty’…

  5. Oh, what a party and costumes. Mitzi always have a surprise for us, she is a lady…
    Now I understand why Halloween is not very popular here, we are not used to have fun like you there on the shelf.

    • Halloween is probably the craziest party time of the year here. The one time when life sometimes does imitate the Shelf. And when every girl suddenly turns into a Mitzi and every boy a Snuggle Bear…

  6. draliman says:

    While everyone else is mucking about, Troll goes for gold!
    You have to hand it to Buster, he went above and beyond this year (with a little help from Zeeba).

    • Duct tape can fix anything…. except a torn hyphen.

      The cool thing about Buster is that his arms are actually semi posable… so be makes a very convincing zombie. Maybe too convincing since he got offed by the zombie exterminators…

  7. mydangblog says:

    What toy company in their right mind makes a one-eyed fox? This was awesome–I think I recognized Mitzi from your latest blog–glad she escaped from that Florida man!

    • LOL! The “one eyed fox” was actually a halfway decent photoshop job by me! That’s Mr. Fox, who has two normal, very big and piercing eyes, and whose gag is constantly staring off into space without saying anything…

      I think Mitzi is why I decided to make a post on that terrifying story from Florida! I can just see her being the only stuffed animal who would actually WANT that to happen!

  8. Merbear74 says:

    Brilliance, sheer preverted brilliance.

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