Softcore

Cute, cuddly critters everywhere beware…

Stuffed animals are one of the hottest trends of the new millennium so far.  The days when a little girl might have a beat up old teddy bear she dragged around until it’s button eyes chafed off are ancient history.  The new wave of soft plushies available on your store counter are an irresistible buy for almost anyone.  With big super-cute eyes, unnaturally colored fluffy fur, and an aura of adorability that will melt the nose right off of your face… it’s no wonder that so many people these days are coveting these stuffed critters to give as gifts, cherish as collectibles, and to ravish as sexual objects…

Wait! What did you just say!?!?

This past Tuesday, one Florida man decided to live out his wildest fantasy of getting it on with a stuffed object.  Cody Christopher Meader, age 20, allegedly walked into a Target store in Pinellas Park and proceeded to the toy department.  Apparently not realizing that Target doesn’t sell that kind of “toys,” Meader grabbed a stuffed figure of Olaf the snowman from the Frozen franchise off of the store’s shelf and gave Target’s shoppers a can’t-unseeable show of family friendly entertainment… humping the snowman right there in the aisle.

To be honest, he looks like he needs something plugging up that mouth.

Imagine taking your child out shopping for Christmas gift ideas and turning into the doll aisle only to find a man having sexual intercourse with a plush snowman.  Forget the poor kid who will undoubtedly have questions only a psychiatrist could answer, an adult would have to try to explain what is happening to you!  It seems like we finally found the moron who searched for the Sandy Award winning “fucking a Miss Piggy plush” last year.  Apparently sex with an effigy of Olaf is indeed satisfying enough to get a prevert off, because our fuzzy sex bandit managed to go all the way and….. well…. “let it go” on poor Olaf.

Attention maintenance! A wet cleanup is needed in the toy aisle!

To be fair, Olaf is a pretty popular snowdude these days since Disney is set to release the much anticipated sequel to the hit animated film Frozen next month.  The entertainment giant has utterly bombarded retail outlets (including my very own Mecca) with such a wide variety of Frozen 2 merchandise that can be found all over the store, that even Yogurt from Spaceballs would blush at the lengths to which The Mouse has whored itself out to promote this damned film.  But all of that marketing effort has paid off since I’m positive this was exactly the kind of exposure (no pun intended) that Disney was hoping to get for their holiday season blockbuster…

We all know Disney’s secretly obsessed with sex.

So with the act done, would Olaf at least get a courtesy kiss and a cuddle during the afterglow?  Nope, because apparently Meader is the “wham, bam, thank you snowman” kind of guy… as he merely discarded the sticky stuffie back onto the shelf once he was done turning the snow ivory.  And Meader’s peter wasn’t done deflowering virgin plushies.  He apparently had even more love to give to inanimate objects that so desperately needed it…

“When Meader finished with the Olaf doll, he put it back on the shelf, and then walked to a large stuffed unicorn doll, laid it on the floor and dry humped it as well” The Orlando Sentinel article

Yes pweeeeeease!!!!!!!

Apparently police showed up to arrest Meader before he could finish raping the presumably innocent unicorn he threw himself upon.  Given that Meader told police he had indeed “nutted” on the Olaf doll, he was apparently quite proud of his toy department sexcapade, and showed maturity well beyond his twenty years.  If you happen to be in the area of Pinellas Park and were hoping to own a piece of perverted American history, you’ll be sad to find out that the defiled Olaf was deemed unfit for sale and was discarded.  It seems like such a waste that an only slightly used Olaf couldn’t have at least been marked down for the clearance aisle…

Hey, I’ll bet my niece would love that big unicorn with the funny stain that’s on sale!

If there’s a lesson to be learned here, its that love for anything can sometime burn out of control and turn into dangerous lust.  And when it results in you copulating in public with half of the stuffed critter toys at the local Target, perhaps it’s time to try online dating, or Tinder, or even good old Rosie Palm if it will keep your private parts out of a snowman’s ass.  But if you have such a strong plush fetish that you can’t resist that soft feeling that can only come from being made in China… well, then like Cody Christopher Meader, you just might be sent to a place where YOU will be one who gets nutted on and tossed aside like a candy wrapper every time you try to take a shower…

Justice for Olaf!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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29 Responses to Softcore

  1. franhunne4u says:

    “But if you have such a strong plush fetish that you can’t resist that soft feeling that can only come from being made in China” – then you should fucking buy it – or rather buy it and then fuck it at home …

  2. And you wonder why some of us are dubious about Walmart! Did someone record it? Can we see?

    • I’ll bet there’s security film and it will end up on the internet with all the other leaked sex tapes.

      I will say that in 21 years of working at Mecca, I have seen many unholy things… but never a customer having sex with any merchandise…

  3. Wow. In that case, I believe he wanted to get caught. Some perverts enjoy shocking others. That was his goal.

  4. draliman says:

    Urk. I have no more to say.

  5. mydangblog says:

    Why is it ALWAYS a Florida man? Aren’t there any other states where people do bizarre and disgusting things?!

  6. ghostmmnc says:

    Yuck – what a sicko. Hope they locked him up and threw away the key

  7. crimsonowl63 says:

    It is gross, but still better than that dude who was having sex with his horse, yes?

    I wanted to be sure I remembered this right so I looked it up. Apparently it’s a thing to have sex with horses. Maybe now these folks have switched to plush horses?

    • Bestiality is a lot more common than people would want to believe. Plushie sex isn’t exactly anything new either, but this is the first time I’ve ever heard of someone trying it during business hours in a public store!

      • crimsonowl63 says:

        That’s true. Maybe he could have been on Real People. ES, you’re probably too young to remember this show, but it won an Emmy for Outstanding Informational Series and showed human interest stories among other things. It ran from 1979-84. It had crazy stories like the female softball player in 1984. I think this crazy plushie sex story would have jazzed the show up a bit. Much more interesting than a shaggy cycle dog story. Unless someone had sex with it at Walmart.

      • I remember it, or at least that there was such a program and I think one of the hosts was named Skip. I always associate with a show called “That’s Incredible” which aired around the same time frame and was also an early form of reality programming…

      • crimsonowl63 says:

        Yes! Skip Stevenson. He died of Heart failure in 1992. “That’s Incredible” ran from ’80-’84 & is described as based in part on “Real People”. I’m sure you were dying to know!

        Now off to check the Monday song!

  8. Okay, I’m unsure what to do with that nugget of mined gold you just shared. On one hand I’m disgusted. Now granted, maybe that Meader guy was so f-ugly that even Rosie bailed on him, and any hole… oh my gawd. NOT GOING THERE. But to defile a stuffed toy? On the other hand I am a bit titillated about what might have caused the plushie fetish in that fellow and the other strange-oid who defiled Ms. Piggy. I mean everyone gets unbearably (lordie. a pun) horny now and then, but are at least discreet if the object of their lustful desire isn’t exactly sanctioned. But then in some areas of the country and world, it’s forbidden to gaze with lust on a PERSON, let alone try to conjoin with them for frolics. Or so I hear. We’d all be jailed if that were standard.

    • I have no idea what was going through this guy’s mind, or if he was really getting his jollies off or just being the world’s most disgusting asshole. There are people who team up others to record intentionally shocking behavior at big stores like Target and Mecca (We’ve had a few incidents with YouTube attention whores in my store), but this seems to have just been a lone act of debauchery…

  9. I bet I know a certain unicorn who wishes she had been on that shelf where Olaf was peacefully residing……! I believe I will never be able to walk through a plushie department in a store without checking for stains.

    Pam

  10. Trisha says:

    WTF is wrong with people these days? Poor Olaf…. Or, maybe not? I’ve never seen Frozen so I don’t have any idea what kind of snowman he is. I mean, there is Scrat. He might have enjoyed such treatment while he was still on the store shelf. And we know Mitzi would be all for public fornication!

    • Olaf looks like a big doofus, but I have no idea how he actually sounds or acts since I haven’t seen Frozen either. I definitely thought of Mitzi as soon as it mentioned he went for a big unicorn next… though something tells me that even though she’s slept with Troll and Uncle Snuggie, she probably has enough standards to not want to get ass raped by this clown…

  11. I saw this story yesterday and now wonder why WordPress doesn’t have an “Awk” button? {head shaking} Florida, Florida, Florida…

  12. Merbear74 says:

    Holy fuck, that is sickening. But also hilarious. Reminds me of the time I walked into my bro’s room and witnessed his friend defiling a stuffed Pink Panther. True story.

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