SPARKLEPONY: We made it to Mecca on time even though we had to park six miles away!
SPONKIE 1: But Mommy! We didn’t even get to eat Thanksgiving dinner!
SPONKIE 2: I think the turkey is still burning in the oven!
SPARKLEPONY: You kids and your juvenile priorities! This is THE biggest sale of the entire year! I wasn’t there when your grandma went to that great big glue factory in the sky last Thanksgiving because I’d have missed out on a $5 toaster had I stayed at her deathbed!
BUB: Greetings, and welcome to Mecca! Would your kids like a smiley face sticker?
SPONKIE 2: That’s not a smiley face sticker!
BUB: Sorry, but with budget cuts around here, I had to peel these off of the bottles of Drano in the plumbing aisle!
SPARKLEPONY: Nevermind those silly stickers, children! You two need to make sure you get me one of those $69 air fryers before they’re gone!
SPONKIE 1: But Mommy! You just bought a new air fryer last week, and it works perfectly fine!
SPARKLEPONY: So? That one cost $79! You don’t ever pass up an opportunity to buy something for ten dollars off, whether you need it or not! Haven’t my practical shopping skills rubbed off on you incorrigible spawn yet?
The Sponkies shake their collective heads and wriggle through the crowd towards the Housewares department.
SPARKLEPONY: As for YOU, dear…
RAINBOW DONKEY: I was beginning to think maybe you’d forgot you dragged me away from football for this unnecessarily expensive excursion.
SPARKLEPONY: I need you to get in the line for the 69 inch Low Definition TV they’re selling for $99 at the back of the store while I scout out the rest of the bargains!
RD: Do we really need…
SPARKLEPONY: No buts, mister!!! Now march! And if you don’t come back with that big screen for me to watch Real Housewives of Tittybong on, I swear you’ll be sleeping in the outhouse until next Black Friday!
RD: (Sighs) Yes, dear…
Rainbow Donkey, the ever
henpecked obedient husband, slowly saunters over towards the Electronics department…
RD: Excuse me, sir. But…
TROLL: Stand back!!! (Holds his box cutter to Rainbow Donkey’s throat) I’m warning you!!! This merchandise doesn’t go on sale for another two hours!!!
RD: I understand sir. But…
TROLL: If you want to buy one of the sale TV’s, you’ll have to get in line for it to my right!
RD: Um, don’t you mean to your left, sir? That looks like the line over there.
TROLL: That’s the front of the line, you dope! It wraps all the way around the perimeter of the store and ends on my right! Now get in line and nobody gets hurt!!!!!
SPONKIE 2: Excuse me, sir. But are these the air fryers on sale for $69?
FUZZYWIG: Do I look like I work here?
SPONKIE 1: Well sir, you have a company vest and name badge on.
FUZZYWIG: (Looks down at his attire) Oh. So I do work here. I’ll bet you kids want one of these babies to make some special brownies in! Would you like to know which aisle the CBD oil is in?
SPONKIE 2: How did you pass the random drug test?
FUZZYWIG: (Looks at his Marley Mouse watch) Well, would you look at the time. I gotta go on my 4:20 break now, kids. Mind the stash for me while I go tend to my own stash…
SPONKIE 1: But sir! You can’t leave these sale items unguarded! Or else….
SPONKIE 2: Oh dear. This is more violent than your video games, bro!
SPONKIE 1: You’re right, sis. We better go tell Ma they were out of air fryers…
SPARKLEPONY: The deli counter is open on Thanksgiving? Don’t they need you to guard some of this valuable shit they’re giving away?
HUNG LO: Hung Lo’s deli always open. Might I interest you in day-old dragon ball nuggets? 99 cents for all you can eat!
SPARKLEPONY: No thanks. I could use a quick dinner though since your stupid sale hours left me without time to finish the turkey.
HUNG LO: Sorry, but deli’s fresh out of turkey. How about ham?
SPARKLEPONY: Sorry, but this doesn’t look kosher… and I don’t mean in a religious way.
HUNG LO: How about leg of lamb?
SPARKLEPONY: This is the whole lamb!
HUNG LO: Black Friday special, buy leg, get rest of lamb free!
SPARKLEPONY: I’ll pass…
HUNG LO: Bet you can’t resist Hung Lo’s special dish of the day…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! GOBBLE! GOBBLE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SPARKLEPONY: You can’t cook dog in this country!
HUNG LO: Why not? This dog is pet passed off by customer as service animal. Well, I caught him and now he is being served! Ha! Ha! Ha!!!
SPARKLEPONY: Just give me a hunk of government cheese, please…
Attention Mecca customers! Our super duper exploitation Black Friday sale begins…… NOW!!!!
TROLL: OK everyone! Single file! I said single file!!! Ow! Please don’t push! There’s enough TV’s for every….. er, well, we only actually have six of them in stock… but I’ll be hiding in the restroom before customer number seven steps up!
BUSTER: Oh boy! This is my lucky day! Only one TV left, and it’s all mine! Now I can watch reruns of Make Room For Daddy in living color!
BIG SCRAT: GOT IT!!!!!!!!! IT’S MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUSTER: Oh dear, I think my spleen has ruptured…
TROLL: (Throwing his box cutter aside) Time to head for the hills!!!! Later!!!!!!
Six hundred and sixty-six dissatisfied customers later….
RD: Ummmm, hello? I finally made it to the front of the line. Where’s my TV? Sir? Where did he go? Is there anyone to help me?
SPARKLEPONY: What took you brats so long? Where’s my cheap air fryer?
SPONKIE 1: Sorry Mommy, but there was only one left and it had a bunch of blood and guts on the packaging.
SPARKLEPONY: Dammit, kids! You could have just brushed it off! It’s times like this when I wish there were ten of me. I hope your father at least got my new television!
EVIL SQUIRREL: OK, the situation’s getting just a little out of hand.
TROLL: Excuse me!!! Do you have a receipt for that? Come back here thieves!!!!
ES: You idiot Troll! Why didn’t you call out for our crowd control director when it got too chaotic?
TROLL: I’m sorry, sir. But I hate how my voice sounds on the speakers! I sound like my sister before her beard grew in…
ES: (Picks up walkie talkie) Crowd control, please report to Electronics!
RAINY: Crowd control reporting for duty!
ES: (Puts on Mecca logo facemask) Do your thing!!!!
RAINY: Right away!!!
Five minutes later…
RAINY: Uh oh! I hope I didn’t kill any of our customers!
ES: Relax, Rainy. We’ll just run their credit cards through the scanner before the police show up. Given the circumstances of Black Friday, I’d say the body count is within the range of acceptable losses. TROLL, GET UP!!!! You can’t die until you’ve completed your shift!!!
TROLL: Right, sir! Sorry, sir!
SPARKLEPONY: Excuse me, but we’re looking for my husband.
ES: Have you tried checking the lost and found at the disservice desk?
SPARKLEPONY: He’s a white male about ten feet tall with rainbow hair and hopefully lugging around a 69 inch TV!
TROLL: I saw a customer matching that description! I think our apparel clerk was helping him near the fitting room.
SPARKLEPONY: He better be buying me ten new dresses to make up for this disaster of a shopping trip….
SPARKLEPONY: Rainbow Donkey! Are you hiding in there!?!?
RD: Don’t come in, dear! I’m trying something on…
SPARKLEPONY: You have nothing I haven’t seen before! You have five seconds to come out of there, or else…..
Sparklepony whips the curtain back…
RD: Uhhhh, hi dear!
SPARKLEPONY: Trying something on, huh?
RD: Yes dear. It’s a little tight…. but boy does it fit!
MITZI: Mitzi in the lingerie department, like, loves a tight fit! Please, like, totally fill out the survey on the back of your receipt by saying you got excellent service, and totally cum again!
ES: Mitzi, I was wondering why I didn’t see you on the salesfloor!
SPARKLEPONY: I want this hussy fired for unprofessional behavior!!! She obviously seduced my husband!
MITZI: Mitzi, like, always follows all company policies and relegations!
ES: That’s right! And at the top of the list is satisfying our customers! And your husband appears to be one very satisfied customer!
RD: Can we come to Black Friday again next year, dear?
SPARKLEPONY: You can. But your nuts will be in a jar at home, mister!!!!!!!!