The Nest’s Most Wanted

a box full of junk

It’s time to let chaos and entropy do it thing in the virtual world with another post we’ll write from a photo that gets pulled out of Google’s bunghole.  Yep, that can only happen in Random Image Inspiration… our little Wednesday exercise in creativity we engage in at The Nest.  This week the Randomator outdid itself in pulling probably the most….. well, random word pairing yet to use as Google bait…

34, 100, 61, 38

The 34th post in my Reader was this one by Melanie

The 100th word in that post is “uplifts”

The 61st word in that post is “suspect”

Putting “uplifts suspect” into Google Images brought this up as the 38th result…



D.O.B. – June 9, 1999 (Or September 6, 1999 if seen outside of the States)

HEIGHT: Yay tall


DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Small scar over left testicle, mole on right nipple, unicorn tattoo on shaved chest

WANTED FOR: First degree douchebaggery, misdemeanor prickishness, felony assault with deadly breath

HEINOUS CRIMES ACCUSED OF: Embarrassing family by posting X rated memes on Facebook account, pocketing all of the napkins from Burger King dispenser, failure to use turn signal in ’87 Yugo… ever, not picking up canine accomplice’s excrement off sidewalk, having the middle name “Wayne” like every serial killer ever, using the Baby Shark song as a ringtone

IF SPOTTED: DO NOT APPROACH!  Suspect is considered an asshat and is extremely lame.  Contact the proper authorities immediately… preferably the SWAT team, who could use some free target practice.

REWARD: There is a reward of 59 cents currently in a GoFundMe account for any information leading to a successful conviction

Please keep this notice posted on the post office lobby wall until suspect is apprehended, or the employee restroom runs out of toilet paper.


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to The Nest’s Most Wanted

  1. This guy needs more than an “uplift” – he needs a facelift……one ear bigger than the other…..nose goes one way and lips another…..maybe banging his head on the wall of his jail cell did some damage? Oh – and minus 10 points for uneven shave – probably when he bent over to pick up the soap in the shower while shaving he was – er – um – distracted??????


    • Oh, that would be a good way to cut off a lip if he were shaving while having a surprise O moment. Gotta blame the nickname, though… I mean, a guy who calls himself Big Dick is probably going to be pretty popular in the ol’ Big House…

  2. I used to date a guy whose name for himself was “Big Dick” (or biggus dickus). Huh. Funny that, he doesn’t look the same….. 😐 “My” dick was as described above, plus expected certain *ahem* privileges of intimacy, but didn’t think washing said dick nor the ‘boys’ was mandatory before the privilege was received. All that is no doubt TMI. But it horrifies me greatly to think “my’ dick procreated. If so, there truly is no god.

    • We can add skunky balls to his lift of crimes against humanity. Every bowling alley I’ve ever been in has a ball washing machine, maybe someone should have introduced him to it…

  3. Good one! Nice to get something with real meaning.

    I’m still working on what I can do to feed the squirrels which might convince them to NOT eat the birdseed and also might be better nourishment for them. if the deck were just a bit bigger, it would be easy, but it’s only 12 feet square … not enough distance. But there has to be a way to get them the food they need and not the food they don’t really need. They need chunkier food and nuts rather than seeds.

    That’s why I think we are the ONLY people feeding wildlife in the area because they all come here. If they had a choice, wouldn’t they go elsewhere where the food was better?

    • I don’t know what kind of nut harvest the trees in your area had, but here they seemed all quite plentiful. There are some years that the trees don’t produce much, if any, in the way of nuts… and with the gypsy moth issue you had a few years ago, maybe the trees around your home aren’t providing the squirrels with enough. Either that or they just love the stuff you buy…

  4. 59 cents? what a bargain…. we will look for him

  5. 59 cents? what a bargain…. we will look for him

  6. Trust us, if we encounter this guy, we’ll leave skid marks.

  7. draliman says:

    I reckon I could take him (in a non-sexual way). “Small scar over left testicle” will be the least of his worries.
    Hang on, is this a real mugshot? Could he be reading this? Uh oh.

  8. Trisha says:

    Uplift and suspect. Two words that shouldn’t go together but are probably being worked into law here in loony Washington State right now.

  9. Middle name: Wayne. Love it!

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