It’s time to peel back another layer of insanity as we count down the days until Christmas in the most fucked up way possible. It’s the Shelf Critter Advent Calendar! Hard to believe we’re only a week out from The Big Day now, and that means taking a peek behind the 18th door, and hoping the peepshow doesn’t turn into a creepshow…
Oh boy, it’s our friendly neighborhood sabertoothed sodomist Big Scrat. I’ll bet Mr. Rogers never had a neighbor like you on the show…
BIG SCRAT: At least I learned that I’m special just the way I am!
Yes, you are indeed very, very special indeed. So tell us all what Christmas means to a back door squirrel like yourself…
BIG SCRAT: Christmas is all about spending special time with the ones you love! And I plan on showing a lot of love to the ones I love this holiday….
Gee, I can’t imagine who the lucky loved one might be….
BIG SCRAT: Oh Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear! It’s your bestest booboo in the world, Big Scrat!
SNUGGLE: Stay away from me you creep! And only Mitzi is allowed to call me Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!
BIG SCRAT: Funny you should mention Mitzi, she lent me her mistletoad to use! I figure it’s good for another kiss or twenty! Get down on your knees and pucker up, Snuggie Wuggie!
SNUGGLE: Dammit, now I know how all those little girls feel around me!