They say all good things must come to an end. Apparently, that applies to horrible features as well, since today marks the last day of the Shelf Critter Advent Calendar. We hope you got a few cheap laughs, OMG moments, and some worrisome insight into humanity over the course of this 24 day dorkathon. And now, like Geraldo opening up another famous safe that has nothing but termites and dust bunnies inside… let’s make a dramatic show out of popping open the final door…
EVIL SQUIRREL: You were expecting, maybe, Ruth Buzzi dressed as a bag lady?
There is nobody reading this old enough to get that reference.
ES: Welp… say goodnight, Dick!
Stop that, right now! OK, so the big shot at Shelf Critter Theatre got the final door. Well, Mr. Squirrel…
ES: Please, just call me Dictator For life!
No. Now ES, we all want to know what Christmas means to you?
ES: Christmas is always a very special day here at The Nest! Well, at least Christmas Eve is. That’s because today…..
ES: My ingenious creation Evil Squirrel’s Nest officially turns eight years old! To think that I’ve been delighting and entertaining people around the world for the majority of this decade with my quirky comics, merciless mocking of retro TV ads, cute squirrel photos, most excellent muzak, and of course… my fucked up but family friendly Shelf Critter Theatre productions! And this Advent calendar featuring a hilarious scene with all of the Shelf’s main critters is yet another feather in my dogskin cap!
VOICE OFFSTAGE: ALL of your main critters!?!?!?
ES: Ermm….. almost all of my main critters. Maybe one or two might’ve…. er, slipped through the cracks.
SANTA: Bullshit! You put together a calendar that counts down to Christmas and you just happen to forget fucking Santa Claus in the shuffle?
ES: Now look here…. I don’t care who you are, no critter takes that tone with me! I’ll have your ass shipped down to Goodwill before you can even name all your reindeer…
SANTA: Please! Who else is going to get you that 55 gallon drum of unicorn slime you’ve had your eyes on?
ES: Wait! You mean….. I wouldn’t get…… but I really, really wanted that for Christmas…..
ES: Look here Santa….. um, I mean, Mr. Claus. Er, Mr. Kringle. Umm… whatever. There has to be some kind of…. you know…. amicable arrangement we can come to…. and, you know, kinda forget this snub ever happened.
SANTA: I don’t know…. boys on Santa’s naughty list don’t get unicorn slime! In fact, they don’t even get unicorn shit! Just a stocking full of possum guts!
ES: Gulp! But please…. Santa, I’m begging you…. I need that slime!!!
SANTA: Hmmmmmm…. maybe there is a way you can atone for your selfish douchebaggery. Let’s head down to the employee restroom and talk this over….
ES: Oh my, I had no idea it was so disgusting in the common toilets.
SANTA: Our asses are tired of sitting on piss stained seats while you get to wipe with gold leaf shit paper! Get scrubbing!!!
ES: But…. this bowl is really nasty…. and I can’t get under the rim with this brush!
SANTA: That’s a shame…. I guess I’ll give Tina that unicorn slime….
ES: (Using his paws) Well, what do you know… it’s coming clean!
TROLL: I am so getting a picture of this Kodak moment and putting it on the Shelf Critter Facebook page!
Have a merry and fucked up Christmas from everyone here at The Nest!