Ladies and gentlecritters, welcome to everyone’s favorite awards show on all of WordPress! Welcome to Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s eighth annual presentation of The Sandy Awards! The Sandys are normally a New Years Day tradition at The Nest, though circumstances far beyond our control caused this year’s show to be delayed a few weeks. But hey, that means you might be able to enjoy it more now that you won’t (or shouldn’t) have a hangover while reading it! The Sandys honor the all too real search terms that people entered into search engines all across the globe, which somehow led them to my virtual abode. For the background story of these awards, or if you’d just like to binge watch older and better Sandys shows… be sure to check out our page dedicated to the only awards show to honor real internet users who probably don’t follow the EU’s cookie law!
We have a shortened, but hopefully still most excellent show on tap for you this year! And along with the presentation of the 2019 Sandys, we’ve also conscripted some top notch entertainment to keep you from falling asleep during the boring acceptance speeches. Tails From Around the Ranch will take you on a guided tour of Colorado flora (no, not THAT kind of flora), The Huntress will star in a sketch comedy based on The Office with Baby Kermit, and a team of the world’s most useless plumbers will perform their version of The Full Monty while jackhammering up the floor of the set. Fun for the whole family!
Alright, just a couple more wordy explanation paragraphs and we can move on to the fun stuff! Over the 365 days in 2019, I recorded the most humorous, interesting and fucked up search terms that made it on my stats page, which apparently led someone using a search engine to my blog. Since 2015, I’ve had a standard set of nine categories I divided the search terms up into… however, due to a lack of quality entries because of the search term spigot getting shut down to a trickle in early Spring, I’m only featuring six of those categories this year. Gone for 2019 will be the Spelling and Grammar Fail Sandy, the Bad Mental Image Sandy, and one of my favorites, the Zodiac Search Sandy. I’ll present the list of nominees for each category, along with my funny and sarcastic commentary… and then name the winner of the Sandy for that category. I’ve saved one search term for the very end of the show, which will be awarded the prestigious Best Search Sandy for 2019!
Got it? Good, let’s quit wasting time and bandwidth then! All of the bolded terms below were really, seriously, honest to goodnessly entered by someone into a search engine that led them to me. I swear on a stack of Playboys that I’m not making any of these up! Now…. let’s kick the festivities off with our traditional first category, that will have you questioning questionable questions….
There are some days when ask.com should probably be renamed wtf.com….
is the squirrel in the geico commercial trained? – Come on, do you really have to train a squirrel how to cause havoc by running out into the road?
where can i find a pachirisu nest? – Maybe Shadow can help you out there…
Still playing Pokemon Go in 2019? You’re an embarrassment to all of existence.
do gray squirrels roam after dark? – Only if they want to…
how many teats does a squirrel have?
what do the tits of a nursing squirrel look like? – Holy crap, the internet fascination with squirrel boobs continues on from last year…
My fans can’t get enough of my sciurine bosom!
what makes selsun blue tingle? – The same thing that makes Herbal Essences cause women to orgasm just by washing their hair…
And the award goes to….
what coffee brand commercial said full till the brim? – Hmmmmm…. that’s a toughie. What brand could have possibly had that slogan?
Figured it out yet, Captain Oblivious?
Someone forgot to fill your head to the brim…
That wasn’t too bad now, was it? Let’s move on to our next category involving famous people who got mixed up with an infamous blog…
The only star these celebs are getting is on the Walk of Shame…
elvis in soviet union –
marshall applewhite transparent – He’s not transparent, just worm-eaten…
But still rocking some totally boss kicks!
maps of area bonnie-clyde went thru – Sorry. I had them in a safety deposit box at the bank, but somebody robbed them…
did clara peller do a clapper commercial? – Maybe if she could have turned on the light, she could have found the beef…
And the award goes to…
carl barger head statue – Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten rid of my Bad Mental Image category….
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kill it with FIRE!!!!!!!!
Don’t worry Carl, I know a great plastic surgeon.
It’s time to move on to the category that recognizes those who may have actually been looking for a blog like The Nest…
Squirrels are cute and adorable. But these terms got hit with the ugly stick…
rock and roll squirrel – sex, nuts, and rock and roll…
temples of squirrels – Not even Indiana Jones was able to get into the sciurine shrine…
I hope you brought a live sacrifice to please the goddess.
this old house – squirrels – I’ll bet that didn’t end well…
I’m Bob Vila, and on this episode of This Old House, we’re going to blow up this home that’s infested with fucking squirrels!
dec where are the golden tailed squirrels coming from – Ummmmm, maybe their golden tailed mothers?
Or golden tails might be a recessive trait.
squirrels eating unripe walnuts – Only because they don’t know how to cook them…
And the award goes to…
most dangerous squirrel – You never know which squirrel that might be. Until it’s too late, that is….
He’s going right for your…… NUTS!!!
This awards show is really moving along this year! But we’re still going to have to cancel the planned tribute to 80’s slasher films Zeeba was going to host and move along to the next soul sucking category…
There’s something terribly wrong with these searches, so let’s make fun of them…
fuck up kids – That’d probably be a good way to keep them out of my yard, if I wouldn’t go to jail.
Hyperactive little bastards!
big bucks no whammies jokers wild – The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist….
I’m not a fucking Whammy!
rotary cellphone – For the old fashioned types who might actually want to use their phones to make a call…
made it to tax day – Congratulations! Now you can get to work on paying next year’s taxes…
eat shit –
Oh wait, you meant literally?
squirrels eating green balls – Looks like The Hulk better start wearing a cup…
HULK…. HATE….. SQUIRRELS!!!!
And the award goes to…
brockport squirrel killing contest – Either the people of Brockport are evil, or they all have green balls…
Careful, the squirrels in Brockport shoot back.
Now I know why the Brockport Chamber of Commerce was inviting me to their city…
Before we move on to the final two categories, here are a few search terms that didn’t quite fit into one of the featured categories… but that we wanted to give 15 seconds of fame to…
smartass response to hows it hanging – “A little to the left” is always the right answer to this stupid question…
Unless you’re Buster…
press your luck prize – Given the type of people they cast as contestants, it should have been a lifetime supply of Ritalin.
who wants to be a millionaire million dollar check –
I’ll sell it to you for only $100,000.
first time in a limo this small –
Oh, good morning Mr. President!
And now, better hide the children… because the Sandys are about to go NC-17…
It’s time once again to cringe at what the people of the internet were searching for with their one free hand…
girls suppository – Is the female ass that different from the male ass that it requires a different type of backdoor medicine?
wet pussy –
Ody does like him some wet pussy…
comic viagra medication – That’ll stimulate more than your funny bone…
kiss my left nut squirrel – You really don’t want a squirrel’s mouth that close to your testicles. Just ask Hulk and the people of Brockport…
milf squirrel –
The new mascot of The Sandy Awards
hottest girl pooping vr – All that innovation that went into creating virtual reality technology…. and all people want to use it for is to watch someone take a shit.
Wow, I can almost smell the excrement!
beer dick advertisement – Yikes! And you thought beer nuts were painful…
And the award goes to…
man fucks cabbage patch kid comic – On the heels of last year’s “fucking a miss piggy plush” victory in this category, we have even more proof that when it comes to sex, some people just can’t resist that soft, Made In China feel…
It’s OK, sir. I’m an orphan. We’re used to sexual abuse.
Please don’t make me go home with the winner. I’m scared!
Our Sandy Awards short program is now down to the final category…. but it’s one of our favorites!
There are no words for some of these searches, but that’s not going to stop me from mocking them anyway. If you know what any of these people were searching for, please just keep it to yourself…
fucked up monkey bars toys – Maybe your kids are just too uncoordinated and don’t know how to properly use them…
Dumbass.
war pup webcomic – They have officially run out of names for comic book superheroes and villains…
claudia ebel siers define evil to someone who doesnt believe in trumped up deities? –
what was that yellow squirrel thing from nickelodeon – Who knows? It probably got thrown into a blender with the blue rabbit to make green slime…
amator in toilet – That’s probably why my plumbing got fucked up…
And the award goes to…
bimbo christmas ghost future – Yeah, right. Only in Ebeneezer Scrooge’s dreams…
Awwww, Scwoogie Woogie! You totally have Tiny Tim in your pants!
That Dickens was such a prevert!
And now the moment everyone has been waiting all year and change for! It’s time to hand out the elite hardware that wasn’t just made from melted down bowling trophies. Let’s find out whose thoughtless internet search paid off by being named the best search of 2019!
Thousands of search terms came, most got rudely encrypted and lost forever, but of those that survived… only one can be the best of the best! The Nest’s judges thought long and hard on this decision over an entire pan of Fuzzywig’s special brownies…. and we have chosen the one search term string that rose above all of the rest. The Best Search Sandy of 2019!
And the winner is…………….
Drum roll please, Hottie…
the evil purple menace – How odd that just a year after a Grimace search term took home the Best Search Sandy, that it seems the Purple People Eater of McDonald’s has emerged victorious yet again in helping to win some hapless sucker the grand prize. But we at The Nest believe that this seeker of purple menaces was not trying to track down the buttplug shaped Grimace…. nor even the more heinously menacing dinosaur Barney. No, given our long-stated taste in music of the 80’s… we can only believe that somebody out there actually agrees with me for once, and was looking for the most evil purple menace of them all! The one who torments me from the grave every time I turn the damned radio on…
Oh, please. Act your age, squirrel, not your shoe size!
I’m OK with Prince. Just as long as he doesn’t go IN through my OUT door…
Well, the Sandy Awards are just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last. That’s a wrap on this year’s belated presentation of the Sandys! We hope you enjoyed this year’s truncated show… and while at the current rate they’re coming in at, it’s doubtful there will be much to share at the end of this year… we can always hope, at least, that there’ll be enough juicy nuggets of search term goodness for look back on and laugh at next January. Thanks you for attending this year’s festivities…. and let’s hope that 2020 brings even more wonderful search terms to The Nest!
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
what an amazing awards list
Every year I do this, I am more and more amazed at how crazy these search terms can get…
Gosh…….I’d say there were some very interesting entries this year and the type of search terms people come up with has remained – thankfully – perverted as always. The internet is full of people who want to expand their knowledge that’s for sure. The question is “are they expanding it in the right direction?” The answer is……..?????
Pam
There are certainly some people who take to Google to expand their mind…. but most of the people whose search terms land here were looking to stimulate a different body part, I believe. But the world wouldn’t be the same without them and their treasure trove of unintentional humor…
Uh huh. While I appreciate the effort you put into this, I wonder about you… Of course, that is the point isn’t it?
And this was just a short version of the awards list because I only had about half as many ripe search terms to choose from as usual. It normally takes me a couple days to put this post together, but I was able to whip it all out in one afternoon this time. I do enjoy laughing, and hopefully spreading that joy to others, at the unintentional humor of these crazy search terms that pop up on the stats page…
Awesome awards! Maybe you should start your own network, I’m sure seeing it live would be even awesomer! lol
Yes, that is a word…..
I put together some of the awesomest awards shows! But the networks would never let me air them, because I wouldn’t invite any of the cool celebrites. Just the critters and my peeps!
hahaha I was laughing out loud at most all of these! Interesting how a word or two in the questions lead to your posts. 🙂
A lot of these, I can figure out exactly what triggered Google to point to me. But some of them really are head scratchers. Of course, they’re not as head scratching as why people were actually searching for some of these things to begin with!
Uh….. o.O
O.o
(never can get that eyeball emoti just right…)
As usual, it’s the nut behind the wheel that’s to blame….
This was very um…educational. Yeah. Educational. 😐
There was a post earlier this week that spoke of the search engine. Which I thought, honestly, was dead what with tweets and all that other ‘instant’ mess. Google triumphs once again though. I had no idea whatsoever that such ‘information’ was available on one’s own stat page. Well whaddya know? 😎
Back in the old days, search terms that brought your blog traffic were listed prominently on the Stats page. I still view that old stats page through the WP-Admin link (Same way I can continue to use the classic editor). The first year I blogged, almost everything got through and I might have five to ten search terms show up every day. Then Google started encrypting a lot of their users’ search queries in 2013, and it slowed down to maybe one or two a day for a few years. Something happened again around March last year that shut it down to maybe one or two a WEEK now… which is frustrating for people like me who like to mine that treasure chest for humor. Still…. yeah, it’s both funny and scary to see what people are looking for, and to figure out why Google thought they should read my blog for the answer!
Hahaha. 😀 Great post.
But … the old house squirrels always fuck up the rotary cell phones. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. 😉
That’s because squirrels only like phones they can take selfies with….
Why does the Devil look like Ming the Merciless? And how does that limo go round corners? Maybe I’ll Google those questions… oh no, it’s taken me back to the Nest!
Thank you for contributing to the 2020 Sandy Awards!
As always, a most entertaining award show. Where do those people come from, anyway?
I’ll Google that up and probably end up on some other blog’s award list…