Here’s Mud In Your Eye

a box full of junk

Wednesday is a pretty random day of the week.  So why not celebrate the day named after a member of the Addams Family with The Nest’s visual roulette wheel known as Random Image Inspiration!  The Randomator can’t help me cheat on my taxes, so let’s see if it can at least pick out some nifty random numbers…

36, 96, 60, 21

The 36th post in my Reader was this one by Juliette

The 96th word in that post (wrapping back to the beginning since it was 3 words short) is “too”

The 60th word in that post is “better”

Putting “too better” into Google Images brought this up as the 21st result…

FUZZYWIG: I’ve finally perfected the formula for my new organic mascara made out of…. well, let’s just call it CBD oil since that seems to be okie dokey these days.  Now I just need to test it before putting it on the market so everyone doesn’t send it back because it makes them look like Tammy Fae Bakker.  I just need to find a cute, cuddly little animal I can poke in the eye with this mascara brush…

FUZZYWIG: Hey there little chipmunk.  Let me properly reward you for singing that annoying song every Christmas.  Open wide….

SLIDER: Ahem!  You better not be doing what I think you’re about to do.  It is ethically and morally wrong to torture animals by testing beauty products on them.

FUZZYWIG: Dude, I’m about to become a cosmetics magnate here.  In business, there is no such thing as morally and ethically wrong so long as you make money.

SLIDER; I will not allow this!  Don’t make me call PETA!

FUZZYWIG: You mean the naked protester chicks?  Bring ’em on, dude.  Maybe they’ll buy some of my hemp eyeliner to accent their other headlights…

SLIDER: I’ll not allow you to treated cruelly by this barbaric critter, dear chipmunk!

Slider tosses a peanut across the stage, and the chipmunk chases after it…. right in front of an oncoming school bus.

FUZZYWIG: You will not stop me, critter hugger.  I’ll just find a new test subject…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BE KIND!  REWIND! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Dammit, you mangy mutt!  That was my best David Crosby 8 track!  You’re going to pay me back for destroying that totally 70’s treasure by taking this makeup in your eye!

SLIDER: I’ll alert the humane society to this abuse!

FUZZYWIG: Call the Chinese buffet instead.  They can have this beast once I’m done gunking up his peepers…

Slider throws an expired dog treat across the stage and Fleabag chases it out into rush hour traffic…

FUZZYWIG: Well, if you won’t let me test this toxic material out on stupid animals, I guess I’ll have to find a human guinea pig…

UNCLE SAM: My fellow citizens!  I’d just like to remind you that the election is a mere nine months away, and I need your vote to maintain my dictatorship…

FUZZYWIG: How would you like to help stimulate the economy by helping me test this new product, Mr. Prez?

SLIDER: Hmmmm… the ethics of torturing politicians in a laboratory setting is somewhat ambiguous.

FUZZYWIG: Is that a yes or a no there, Plato?

SAM: Slider, I’d hate to have to cut funding to the Shelf Protection Agency because you let some mad critter high on reefer assault me with poisonous makeup!

SLIDER: Errrr, that’s definitely a no, then.  Let me see what I can use to make you go away, sir….

Slider takes out a sizeable political donation and tosses it out into the middle of the highway.  Like a moth to the flame….

SLIDER: That should help out our President’s approval rating!

FUZZYWIG: And this is doing nothing for my new secret formula!  How am I supposed to join the one percent if I can’t test this shit out on someone who can’t sue me?

SLIDER: That’s not my problem, Mr. Wig.  I’m just here to make sure nobody’s civil rights get violated!

FUZZYWIG: I need a good eye to stick this into, dammit!  I….

FUZZYWIG: Ay, yi, yi.. what an eye!!!

SLIDER: You’re not seriously thinking about….

FUZZYWIG: Why not?  He’s in a persistent vegetative state… kinda like I am around 4:20.  He won’t feel a thing, dude…

MR. FOX: ………………………

SLIDER: His eyes could be the pathway to another dimension for all you know!

FUZZYWIG: Then I’ll find out if my product is safe in all universes then, Carl Sagan.  Here goes everything….

MR. FOX: ………………………………………..::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLIDER: Great!  We’re all fucked now!!!

FUZZYWIG: Wow, that’s some powerful shit!  Maybe I can market it as a night vision aid, too….

MR. FOX: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****************%%%%%%%%%########@@@@@

SLIDER: We’re all going to die!!!!!!!!!!!

FUZZYWIG: We are?  Oh.  Hopefully I have time to smoke one last doob.  Want a hit, Goebbels?

SHADOW: Greetings everyone!  I’m here with an important announcement reminding everyone to play the Contest of Whatever…..

SHADOW: That was…… unexpected.

FUZZYWIG: Thanks for saving our asses, dude.

SLIDER: Are you OK, crispy critter?

SHADOW: Well, other than the fourth degree burns over 99 percent of my body, massive internal bleeding, and all of the carcinogens being inhaled into my lungs right now….. I guess I’m in perfect shape.

FUZZYWIG: That contest you were yammering about before you got eye lasered to death… what was it about?

SHADOW: Errr…. Murphy’s Law.

FUZZYWIG: Congrats, dude!  I declare you the winning entry for this year.  Good show.

SHADOW: This infernal smoke is getting in my eyes….

FUZZYWIG: Here (raising his brush) let me help you with that….

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to Here’s Mud In Your Eye

  1. The deep secret of your shelf of critters is that Buster is the billionaire. Trillionaire, actually. He doesn’t really die. Each time, he collects his own insurance money and gets that much richer. He may be the only critter to die a hundred times with money raining from the skies. The president LOVES Buster.

    • That is a brilliant money making scheme… if your body can take the constant abuse from painful, gruesome deaths to keep respawning. If someone died and came back from the dead without being a zombie… I’d agree that they should be legally entitled to keep the insurance money…

  2. HAHAHAHA………I kinda think Fuzzywig needs to take that eyelash torture tool and insert it where the sun don’t shine – now that would make for a most interesting explosion.

    Pam

  3. Can I order a mega ton of that mascara ***koff koff koff**** WMD **** CDB shit? Send it wrapped (triple layers dude) in a plain brown paper wrapper. Include a pre-set detonator and send it care of T. Dump Koff koff Trump koff koff…(would someone turn on a fan already? Those carcinogens are getting up my nose) Make sure the timer is set about the time that orange two face opens the freakin’ package, okay? Many thanks and the check is in the mail!

    • I don’t know if I want the Secret Service buzzing around my Shelf. Sure, Mitzi might enjoy the extra frisking… but Snuggle Bear likes to pretend his right to “privacy” is being violated.

  4. These guys are tough. All I can say is…”the wheels of the bus go round and round.” Also…”time waits for no furry.”

    Shoko

  5. Trisha says:

    Fuzzywig high on reefer and running around trying to stick a wand in critter’s eyes? Never a dull moment around the Shelf!

    Thank you for the reminder that I’m running out of time to get my entry written and submitted. I meant to do it today. I’m not sure what happened….

    • Of all the dangers on the Shelf, getting your eye poked out by a stoner who thinks he’s the new Liz Claiborne is probably not something you’d expect. And that I didn’t even involve Buster in this one!

      This is supposed to be the last day for the contest, so I hope you can put something together! I think I’m sitting at six or seven entries so far, so I’m hoping for a couple more last day ones…

  6. the mama used that powerful sh*t too and according to my dad the money lays now on the street… she only has to walk up and down with this fab mascara on to pick it up….

  7. draliman says:

    Multiple critter deaths and injuries, and Buster nowhere to be seen…

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