CHIP: Hello everyone, my name is Chip. And I know you’re used to seeing us Shelf critters lamely trying to be funny in a wide variety of fucked up situations. But I have a more serious message I’d like to share with our viewers today. As I’m sure you’re aware by now, our very existence is being threatened by the possum trots virus, also known as PUTRID 69. While this pestilence has had a dire social, financial, and health effect on the entire world… the pall of this disease and the many emergency measures put in place to try and keep it at bay have also had their consequences upon all of us here on the Shelf. Take my pal Fuzzywig, for instance…
FUZZYWIG: Man, this good stuff is some really good stuff! Wanna hit, Chippo?
CHIP: Don’t ever call me Chippo again… and no, I would not like a hit. In fact, you can’t give anyone a hit off your pipe anymore.
FUZZYWIG: Puff, puff, pass, dude. It’s the law, Section 4, Paragraph 20.
CHIP: Well, the law has changed in light of PUTRID 69! No sharing of anything that comes into contact with your mouth! And besides, I know you never wash your paws.
FUZZYWIG: So I can bogart my own joints now? Eh, I think I can get used to that…
FUZZYWIG: So, Chippo…
CHIP: AAAAAA!!!! GET BACK!!!!!!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: I thought my face only frightened small children and blind dates.
CHIP: Social distancing, Fuzzy!!! You need to stay at least six feet apart from any other critter!!!
FUZZYWIG: Chippo, this stage isn’t even six feet wide. It’s just two small end tables, you know…
CHIP: Just…… stand over there, please!!!
FUZZYWIG: Well, this is going to be awkward for the cameraman to try and fit all of the exciting action of this episode in.
CHIP: That’s too bad… we all need to adapt to the new reality, even if we have to break our necks to do so! Now, I’d like to show all of you in the audience how some of your favorite SCT actors are suffering in this time of panic and despair.
CHIP: Snuggle Bear, how have you been affected by the possum trots catastrophe?
SNUGGLE: Dudes, this quarantine has hit me right where it hurts the worst!
FUZZYWIG: Have they shut down the laundromats you stalk?
SNUGGLE: No, man! It’s my sex life that’s been stifled by this!
CHIP: Sorry they closed down the singles bars, Snuggle.
SNUGGLE: Huh? No, dude…. I mean, they closed down all the SCHOOLS!!!
SNUGGLE: I’ve got all this candy to give out…. and no bus stops to prowl in my windowless van!!!
FUZZYWIG: Well, the children will be safe through all this at least.
CHIP: Snuggle, that was completely uncalled for, and utterly ruined the serious tone this episode was supposed to have.
SNUGGLE: Oh, fuck you, Chippo! I need to find some sweet little thing to take a bite of Uncle Snuggie’s delicious candy…
BIG SCRAT: Oooooooh, candy!!!! I just love candy!!!!
SNUGGLE: GAH!!! Aren’t you supposed to be staying home right now!?!?
BIG SCRAT: My pantry’s about empty, and that candy sure looks oh so good! (Takes out a Life Saver®) But I’ll bet it’d look even better on you….
SNUGGLE: Mppph!!! mppphhh!!!! MMMMHHHHHH!!!!
BIG SCRAT: Oh yeah, I’ve always wanted to have my partner wear a ring gag. You’re coming home with me and we’ll ride out this pandemic together! And I do mean RIDE….
Big Scrat drags the helpless pedobear to his den…
FUZZYWIG: Surely you can’t be serious, Chippo.
CHIP: This is supposed to be serious!!! And don’t call me Shirley! Or Chippo!!!
RAINY: What’s going on here?
CHIP: We’re presenting the hardships Shelf critters have been subjected to by the PUTRID 69 virus.
FUZZYWIG: I don’t think the CDC has banned rain yet, so you should be good.
RAINY: That’s NOT funny!!!
FUZZYWIG: Good. Chippo wanted seriousness.
RAINY: You know darn good and well it never rains on this Shelf! And I’m so pissed off right now, that….
CHIP: No, Rainy, please! I don’t have my mask, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t spray us out of anger.
RAINY: I’d love to gas you two buffoons right now, but…….. I can’t!
FUZZYWIG: Skunks get constipated. Who knew?
RAINY: No, smart aleck! I mean…. I can’t spray because…… well, I don’t like having that green residue on my tushie, and…….. I’ve run out of toilet paper!!!
FUZZYWIG: Bummer, man.
RAINY: I do NOT appreciate that pun! And it makes me so angry that so many critters have hoarded all of the TP that…….. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..
CHIP: Ummmm…. Rainy, you’re…… ummmm…. seeping.
FUZZYWIG: Does this count as a shart?
RAINY: I can’t help it!!! I’m so mad!!! And now I’ve soiled myself and have nothing to clean my bottom with!!! This is the worst day ever!
SNOWY: Special delivery from Mother Nature!
RAINY: If you think I’m going to rub those disgusting leaves along my tailhole……….
Rainy lets out a growl and stomps off, stage left. Dragging a pawful of leaves with her…
HUNG LO: Top of the morning to you. And rest of day for myself.
CHIP: Hung Lo, you must really be suffering right now with your Chinese buffet closed down.
HUNG LO: Eh, not first time health inspector shut down Hung Lo’s buffet. But still, how you Americans say it, sucks gonads.
CHIP: At least shutting down in house dining will be a boon to all critters’ health.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! CAN’T COOK ME! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: Sigh, a bigger boon to some critters over others.
HUNG LO: Since Hung Lo can’t make tasty mutts into dragon balls, would you like me to tell joke instead?
FUZZYWIG: Gee, Wang Chung, I’d love to hear your crappy joke… but Chippo here says this show needs to stay serious…
HUNG LO: This so funny! Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bang…
CHIP: Nobody’s going to Bangkok or anywhere else with the travel ban! Would someone please escort this heifer off the stage?
Troll fires up the tractor and hauls Hung Lo away…
CHIP: How have you been holding up, Rainbow Donkey?
RAINBOW DONKEY: It’s been tough, Chippo. Locked in the stable all day and all night. I needed to come out for a bit and get some fresh air.
FUZZYWIG: There hasn’t been fresh air on the Shelf since the 1820’s.
CHIP: Yeah, I think we all know how bad cabin fever is getting right now.
RD: You don’t even know the half of it….
SPARKLEPONY: RAINBOW DONKEY!!!! There you are!!!!!!!!!!
SPARKLEPONY: (Grabbing RD’s tail with her teeth and dragging him backwards) You know better than to leave the barn and bring strange diseases home with you! Now get back here with your loving wife and help me watch Season 96 of As The Glue Factory Turns!
RD: Someone please shoot me. I won’t press charges…. honest.
FUZZYWIG: Do you think we should have intervened?
CHIP: No. Virus hell hath no fury like a sparklenag scorned.
SHADOW: I would like to have a conversation with the writer of this episode who decided that I was not the one who should have been cast for an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
CHIP: Sorry Shadow, but this is a serious episode that requires a serious face… and you just don’t have that. In fact, you look like the evil scientist who created PUTRID 69 in your island laboratory.
FUZZYWIG: He also looks like the Easter Bunny.
SHADOW: I am not the Easter Bunny, and how dare you….
CHIP: You’re the Easter Bunny now, buddy.
SHADOW: I will not stand here in front of this silly bucket full of non-degradable plastic made in China and…
CHIP: And I believe you actually DO have an important announcement to give to the people watching out there.
SHADOW: I do NOT!!! And furthermore….
FUZZYWIG: Just read the cue card over there, Pikachu.
SHADOW: I….. urgh….. sigh! It is with deep regret that I, the Easter Bunny, must announce that the secular tradition of hiding eggs this Easter must be canceled by authority of the World Health Organization and WebMD.
CHIP: That was wonderfully poignant. Now leave.
SHADOW: You don’t have to tell me twice! (POOF!)
BUSTER: Howdy Fuzzy! Howdy Chippo!
FUZZYWIG: I can’t wait to see how “serious” this scene ends up being.
CHIP: Have you suffered any adverse affects from the PUTRID 69 outbreak, Buster?
BUSTER: Not at all! In fact, with so few people out on the roads, I’ve managed to make it all week without becoming roadkill for once!
FUZZYWIG: And another strike for Hung Lo’s buffet.
CHIP: Buster!!! You’re not supposed to touch your face!!!
BUSTER: Huh? But how else am I supposed to get rid of these pesky eye boogers?
FUZZYWIG: You heard what the health nazi said. Don’t touch your face, dude!
BUSTER: Aw, come on! What’s the worst that can happen by touching my face?
BUSTER: Well, this feels weird…..
CHIP: That’s what you get for questioning medical experts.
FUZZYWIG: I can just sense Zeeba out there jumping up and down with joy right now…
CHIP: Dammit, this is not a joyous occasion! This is serious business!!!!
MITZI: Chippy Wippy!!!!!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: No, it’s Chippo Wippo today.
CHIP: Come on, Mitzi…. step back!!! Don’t you know we’re social distancing?
MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally social distanced with some cantaloupe from Africa one time! He was a horny little thang just like Mitzi… but I totally couldn’t afford to hook up with him on the Serengeti!
CHIP: That’s not what……. oh, forget it! We’re just trying to show how the possum trots virus has adversely affected us Shelf critters.
MITZI: Oh, Mitzi’s, like, totally got the sads right now!
MITZI: This (sob!) QuaranTarantino has totally got Mitzi all moisturized in a (sniff!) different place this time!
CHIP: Awwww, Mitzi. I’d lend you a tissue if anyone could actually lay their hands on one now.
MITZI: This virus is a big meanie!!!!!!!! It’s worse than syphilis and diarrhea!!!
FUZZYWIG: You would know.
CHIP: Go ahead and have your cry, Mitzi, then tell us how PUTRID 69 has made your life so awful.
MITZI: It’s worse than awful…. it’s, like, totally POOPOO!!!! Mitzi’s, like, totally out of a job because they closed down the titty bar!!!!
CHIP: Mitzi! There are critters everywhere suffering and dying, and you’re depressed about the strip joint being closed!?!?
FUZZYWIG: Thank goodness for Skinemax.
MITZI: Oh, lookie!!! It’s, like, totally a pole!!! Maybe Mitzi can, like, do a little dance to lift up the spirits of all the nice peoples out there!!!
CHIP: No, Mitzi! I don’t think that would be a good idea. I mean, that pole is probably contaminated with…
MITZI: Naw, Mitzi will just rub it all up with this ham sanitizer!
CHIP: This isn’t hand sanitizer. It’s KY jelly!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Look at all those viruses slide right off that pole.
MITZI: Lookie everybody!!!!!! Boobies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHIP: This was supposed to be a serious episode!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: It was, Chippo. Seriously entertaining!
FUZZYWIG: Was that “Hail To The Chief” I just heard on a kazoo?
UNCLE SAM: Can’t have the band together, son. You should be fortunate Troll didn’t play it on his armpit.
CHIP: Well, now that the President of the Shelf is here, maybe this presentation will finally get serious.
SAM: It will indeed, Chippo. Out Shelf has obviously been suffering through these unprecedented shitty times… so I’ve come today to hand out my generous stimulus package I approved!
FUZZYWIG: Thanks, dude. I’ll take mine in nonconsecutive hundred dollar bills….
SAM: That is some of the finest dancing I have ever seen, ma’am… outside of my wife’s lapdances. You’ve most definitely earned this stimulus package (tucks a wad of million dollar bills in Mitzi’s G string).
MITZI: YAYSIES! Thanks Pwezzy Wezzy!
SAM: (Saluting) Carry on, and keep entertaining the troops!!!
FUZZYWIG: Wow, that episode was as serious as a heart attack.
CHIP: I’ve been offended by many, MANY things on this Shelf in my four years with this production…. but adding its fucked up flavor to my serious message on this pandemic is the rock bottom!!!
FUZZYWIG: At least we kept our social distance and helped to slow the spread of your killjoy virus.
CHIP: I really need a stiff drink right now! But since all of the bars are closed….
FUZZYWIG: I thought sharing was verboten because it spread cooties.
CHIP: Piss off, Fuzzo!