Last Words

a box full of junk

It’s the most fun you’re legally allowed to have on a humpday!  It’s time to spin the wheel of misfortune to come up with the next poignant photo to challenge my demented mind on another Random Image Inspiration.  Let’s see what allegedly random numbers the Randomator has for us today…

32, 3, 24, 62

The 32nd post in my Reader contained only four words, which was too short for this game.  Normally, I would move on to the next post… but since River Girl gets picked for about every other RII, I decided to go back to the 31st post instead, which was this one by Ally Bean

The 3rd word in that post is “longtime”

The 24th word in that post is “when”

Putting “longtime when” into Google Images brought this up as the 62nd result…

This photo was used in an obituary.  So that’s what I’ll use it for as well….

Harold “Harry” Sachs of Bumfuck, Montana passed away on Monday at the age of 69 due to complications from an infected skin tag on his left butt cheek.  Mr. Sachs worked for 35 years as a thingamajig operator at Nutz Ball Bearing plant before the entire plant moved to Bangladesh in 2008.  Rather than retire, Mr. Sachs worked for the last 12 years as a door greeter at the Bumfuck Mecca Stupidcenter, where he enjoyed handing out stickers and questionable candy to unsuspecting children and telling perverted jokes to the cashiers.

In his spare time, Mr. Sachs enjoyed fishing at the local lake, and telling lies to everyone about what he caught.  Other hobbies included drinking beer, collecting stuffed unicorns, passing gas, poisoning squirrels and sniping the neighbor’s kids with his trusty BB gun.

Mr. Sachs married Eileen Dover on some date in 1975 that he could never remember while serving in the US Army, where he reached the rank of Private Last Class and specialized in cleaning latrines for his country.  Upon return to civilian life after a dishonorable discharge for mooning a corporal, Harry and Eileen raised a family of three children.  Huey, Dewey and Louie Sachs are all currently serving fifteen to life sentences in the federal penitentiary for attempting to burglarize a cannabis dispensary, making their father quite proud of their accomplishments.

Besides his wife and three sons, Mr. Sachs is survived by several other family members who would like to remain anonymous in case anyone they know is reading this obituary.  Mr. Sachs was preceded in death by Ethel Kuntz, his longtime mistress who died in 1988 under mysterious circumstances shortly after Dorothy caught the two of them playing a game of strip poker.

A Celebration of Death will be held in Mr. Sachs honor on Friday at the M. Balm Funeral Home and Meat Packing Facility in downtown Bumfuck.  In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Dorothy Sachs Bingo Night Fund.


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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10 Responses to Last Words

  1. Ally Bean says:

    First let me say that I am humbled to be chosen for this post. It has been a dream of mine to be the catalyst for one of your timely profound blog posts. I am also in awe of your obit for our friend, Harry– a thingamajig operator unlike any other. You have done him proud. Good job, evil. And again, thank you for this honor.

    • It is indeed quite an honor to be chosen as the source for Random Inspiration. There is no trophy, or plaque, or even a fridge magnet to commemorate the occasion…. but it does make you special. Thanks to your post, a fictitious man was able to be given a properly messed up sendoff…

  2. love that last words… I feel inspired now for re-writing my last words too :O)

  3. The BEST obituary I have had the honor to read…….and some very encouraging news for those concerned about a meat shortage in this country (ewwwwwww!). This guy would have made quite an interesting neighbor – for someone other than ME of course.


    • Soylent Green will do in a pinch. I think I picked some up at the cafeteria yesterday. Remember that student that got sent to the principal’s office last week and never returned to class……

  4. draliman says:

    Sounds like a real stand-up fella!

  5. Mr. Sachs led quite the ‘interesting’ life.

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