Welcome to another fun Wednesday where The Nest has no idea what it’s going to have to write! What, you mean every day is already like that? Oh, well, once a week we really don’t have a clue what’s going to go to press until we consult the Randomator and see what it barfs up. This is the feature we call Random Image Inspiration, and it works a little something like this…
7, 8, 75, 44
The 7th post in my Reader was this one by Marilyn
The 8th word in that post is “issue”
The 75th word in that post is “these”
Putting “issue these” into Google Images brought this up as the 44th result…
It’s time for another titillating mini edition of SCT!
UNCLE SAM: Good morning, citizen!
CHIP: Hey! No cutting in line!
SLIDER: Mr. President? What brings you to our humble polling place on this election day?
SAM: I wanted to see our glorious democracy in action! Don’t mind me, I’ll just be impartially supervising the proceedings…
Sam walks towards the voting booths.
SLIDER: Sir, I don’t think this is within regulations….
SAM: Nonsense! It gives me a warm feeling in my cold heart to see the critters of the Shelf proudly exercising their franchise!
TROLL: There! A write in vote for Goldie “Progress” Wilson for President! He’ll make this Shelf great again!
ZAC: OMGOMGOMG! This is so cool! Voting is fun fun fun! Check check check check!!! I’m gonna vote for everybody! Everyone’s a winner! Check check check!!!
MR. FOX: ……………………………….
SLIDER: Sir, I don’t think you should be peering over…
SAM: Excuse me, son, but you filled in the incorrect name for President!
FUZZYWIG: Huh? Oh, I’m not voting for anybody. I don’t even know who the candidates are. I’m just filling out the circles in the shape of a cannabis leaf like I used to do on the Scan Trons for our tests in school.
SAM: Election judge! I want this critter removed from the polling place for being under the influence!
SLIDER: But I can’t…
SAM: That’s a direct order! Unless you’d like to be hand-shredding impeachment documents for the rest of your working life.
Slider reluctantly escorts Fuzzywig off the premises while Sam rips up his “artwork”…
SAM: Did you check this voter’s green card?
SLIDER: Yes sir, and it was perfectly in order…
SAM: Bullshit! I know a foreigner when I see one!
HUNG LO: Hung Lo proud Asian-American citizen…
SAM: You’re either Asian or American! You can’t be both, son! (Gesturing back with his thumb) He goes too!
SLIDER: Sigh, let me get the backhoe…
SAM: (Peeking over Buster’s shoulder) Another vote for my opponent!?!?
BUSTER: Oh, sorry Mr. President! I didn’t see you peeking at my secret ballot. I’m afraid I had to vote for change since you cut off funding to underprivileged possums like myself…
SAM: The Shelf’s tired of supporting deadbeat possums like you! Judge! This critter can not vote in this election because he’s DEAD!
SLIDER: But sir…
BUSTER: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. President!
SAM: I’m pretty sure I’ve seen your dead carcass before. This ain’t Chicago, son, dead critters can’t vote!
BUSTER: Sir, I assure you that I am 100% alive and kicking at this moment.
SAM: This sounds like a job for the Men in Black!
NINJA ON A SKATEBOARD: Awaiting orders until your opponent is sworn in, SIR!
SAM: Make sure this possum is ineligible to vote!
SLIDER: This is most unusual for an election day process.
SAM: Nonsense! Another fraudulent voter has been dealt with, and now we can serve barbecue to those waiting in line!
SAM: I should’ve known a chick like you would vote for the broad running against me!
RAINY: I’m not voting against you because you’re a sexist asshole. I’m voting against you because your environmental policies are why it hasn’t rained on this Shelf since the Bronze Age!
SAM: I want this voter ejected from the polls because I have issues with the 19th Amendment!
RAINY: Some leader you are disrespecting majority demographics like us females!
SAM: Don’t you have something to do in the kitchen right now?
RAINY: The only thing I’m going to be cooking up is this toxic display of…
SAM: Well you better go outside and do it then! Skunk spray counts as a political statement, and by law, all electioneering must be done at least 100 feet away from a polling place!
RAINY: But… you can’t… I have the right to….
SLIDER: Sorry ma’am, you’ll have to come with me…
SAM: Finally! Someone around here who’s voting for the right candidate for President!
MITZI: Oh, Mitzi, like, just filled in your circle jerk because it was first. Mitzi totally can’t figure out how these elections work anyway!
SLIDER: If you don’t know what you’re voting for, then why did you take the time to come down here?
MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally votes just for the stickers!!! Like, check this out!!!
MITZI: They totally make great pasties!!!
SAM: I see you like to vote early and often.
MITZI: Yeppers! Mitzi, like, totally uses her pouty face to get in enough times to cover all of Mitzi’s fun parts!
SAM: You know… I think you’d look even better completely covered in stickers.
MITZI: Like, OMG! You totally have a kinky fetish Mr. Pwezzy Wezzy! Mitzi will, like, totally keep getting back in line all day long!!!
SAM: Ha! Let all the delusional critters keep voting for my opponent. I’ll win this election just on the votes my new running mate here will give me!
MITZI: Did you, like, totally say “mate?” Now Mitzi’s bottom sticker is totally moisturized and ruined, and Mitzi will have to get in line one more time!
SAM: Don’t worry, dear, the polls will be staying open late tonight.
SLIDER: They will?
SAM: (Leering at Slider) They will!