Sex And The Single Skunk

It’s a girls night in, as the ladies of the Shelf gather to play an exciting game of Uno…. despite the fact that The Nest doesn’t have a deck of Uno cards in the prop closet.

SCRATCHY: Uno!

SPARKLEPONY: Again?  You must be cheating!  I guess I’ll save this Reverse card and play my green three.

MARY: Time to deploy my secret weapon!

MARY: Ha!  Draw four, Rainy!

RAINY: What?  But I already have more cards than I can hold in one hand!  This isn’t fair!!!

SCRATCHY: Dem’s the rules!

MARY: Yeah, read it and weep!

RAINY: Weep, huh?  I’ll give your evil lamb eyes something that will make them weep…

SPARKLEPONY: Dammit, not again!!!

SCRATCHY: Why do we keep inviting this mofo over for cards anyway?

SPARKLEPONY: Rainy!  You’re a fucking bitch, you know that?

RAINY: You’re only daring to say that because you don’t think I have any spray left for your sassy mouth!

SCRATCHY: Sparks is right, you have irritability issues that need tending to!

RAINY: I’m only irritable because it never rains.

SPARKLEPONY: Bullshit!  You’re problem isn’t an empty rain gauge.

SCRATCHY: Yeah, it’s an empty coochie!

SPARKLEPONY: Rainy, when’s the last time you had sex?

RAINY: That’s a personal question I won’t answer!!!

SCRATCHY: That long, huh?  Figures.  Look, you need something longer than that five inch rain gauge to make you see the bright side of life.  And as your best girlfriends, it’s our responsibility to find you a man!

SPARKLEPONY: The Shelf’s holding a mixer tomorrow night for eligible singles, and you’re going along to it!

RAINY: I will NOT!  There’s something on TV I want to watch tomorrow…

SCRATCHY: No more DIY orgasms for you while watching Jim Cantore stand in the middle of a hurricane!  Tomorrow night, you’ll be a new skunk!

MARY: Anyone got something that will get skunk spray out of wool?

BUB: Hello, ladies!  Welcome to the mixer!  I made sure to stock both restroom vending machines with plenty of condominiums…

RAINY: The tampon dispenser better not be empty!

SCRATCHY: No ragtime music for you, dear!  You’re going to go out there and seduce one of these handsome studs into your bed!

RAINBOW DONKEY: Howdy ma’am.  Lovely evening, isn’t it?

RAINY: Well, this one is quite handsome.

SPARKLEPONY: But he’s NOT supposed to be mixing!  Rainbow Donkey!!!  You were only invited along to be the designated driver!

RD: And isn’t it the responsibility of the designated driver to be giving critters rides?

SPARKLEPONY: Not those kind of rides, mister!!!  Now get back over to the table and make sure nobody pees in the punch this time!

RD: Sigh, yes dear.

MARY: Now go out there and chat up all these eligible bachelors, Rainy!  We’ll be hanging around all night until you finally hook up…

FUZZYWIG: Hey, you look kinda cute.  Or maybe I’m having flashbacks to Joanne Worley again.

RAINY: Don’t get fresh with me, buddy!

FUZZYWIG: Eh, the only thing fresh here are these brownies I made for the party.  Wanna try one?  They just came out of the oven at 4:20…

RAINY: Those look disgusting!

SCRATCHY: Fuck yeah!  Special brownies!  (Grabs a hoofful, then talks with her mouth full)  Don’t mind if I do!

FUZZYWIG: Don’t bogart the brownies, Trigger.  I’m saving some for this fine babe over here.

SCRATCHY: Rainy, you tramp!  You already found yourself a dude!  I’m proud of you!

RAINY: I have NOT!  This little twerp is annoying!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! WANNA HUMP LEGS? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SCRATCHY: Oh, look!  He even has a cute puppy dog!  Rainy, you got yourself quite a catch here!

FUZZYWIG; Get out of my brownies right now, you mangy mutt!  The Chinese buffet still has takeout, you know!

RAINY: It wasn’t nice meeting you.  I’m moving along now…

And move along, Rainy does.  Until…..

SNUGGLE: Hey, baby!  I got some fabric softener that will make this knotty fur of yours feel smooth as a plush porcupine!

RAINY: What are you doing!?!?  Get your grubby paws off of you at once, you rapist!!!

SNUGGLE: Whoa!  What’s your problem, bitch?  Haven’t had enough booze yet?  I was just being friendly!

RAINY: There is nothing friendly about feeling up strangers!

SNUGGLE: Dude, my hand slipped and maybe I brushed one of your buns.  No biggie!  This is a mixer, we’re supposed to be mixing here!

RAINY: How would you like it if some creep came up behind you and started groping you?

SNUGGLE: I’d love it!  Go ahead, wanna try it with me?  You can put your paws wherever you want on this bear, cutie!

BIG SCRAT: Well, there’s an invitation I just can’t refuse!

SNUGGLE: AAAAA!  Get your nasty mitts off of me, dude!

RAINY: Serves you right for pawing at me!

SNUGGLE: No, wait!  I’mma dude, and we’re supposed to get a bit handsy around pretty things…

BIG SCRAT: Last time I checked, I’m also a dude, and you are definitely my pretty little thing, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!  Let’s blow this mixer and then you can blow something else for me…

MARY: Darn, looks like you let that one get away!

RAINY: Completely NOT my type.

MARY: It doesn’t look like you have a type, girl.  But keep looking, it’s time for me to do some body shots off of Brother Bear…

TROLL: Hey there, honey!  Looking for Mr. Right?

RAINY: No.  And I certainly haven’t found him now.

TROLL: That’s OK, I like it when they play hard to get!  Wanna nip off my bottle?

RAINY: That’s disgusting!  And besides, your bottle is empty!

TROLL: (Looks at the bottle) Aw, damn!  And that was the last of my unemployment check I spent buying this!  Look, toots, can you lend me a couple bucks until next week so I can buy another?

RAINY: I will NOT!!!

TROLL: Hey, this rain gauge looks like it might fetch a ten spot at the hock shop.  Wait up, baby, and I’ll be back!

RAINY: Give me back my precious rain gauge, you freeloading thief!

TROLL: Don’t worry, honey!  Here, you can have my empty bottle as collateral.

RAINY: Thanks.  I’m gonna need this….

TROLL: Ow!  I don’t usually get the headache until I wake up the next morning.  Maybe I should cut back on the booze…

SPARKLEPONY: Rainy, what are we going to do with you?

RAINY: He was asking for it!!!

BUSTER: Hello, ma’am!  Enjoying the party?

RAINY: I most certainly am not.

BUSTER: That’s swell!  Say, I just found a partially used rubber in the bathroom, and I was wondering if…

RAINY: NO!!!  You’re just as disgusting and flat broke as that troll was.  I saw you digging in the dumpster when I came in.

BUSTER: Oh, that’s just what possums do.  Truth is, I can buy anything I want.  I’m loaded!

RAINY: You’re drinking soda!  How can you possibly be loaded?

BUSTER: No, I mean I’m independently wealthy!  Check this out!

MARY: If you don’t claim him, Rainy… I am!!!!

RAINY: You don’t look very successful to me.  How can you have all that money?

BUSTER: Life insurance!  I take out a new policy on myself every time I respawn.  I’ve made $69,000,000 just this year!

SHADOW: Pardon me, lowly critters… but I couldn’t help noticing this classic Pepsi can the opossum is drinking from.

BUSTER: Yeah, it’s a retro design!

SHADOW: Hmmmm, the expiration date on the can says it ceased to be fresh on January 19, 1989.

BUSTER: Really?  It still tasted alright.  I should be fine, right?

SHADOW: Congratulations on your new insurance windfall!

MARY: (Tucking the million dollar bill into her thong) I’ll just be holding on to this….

RAINY: This is worse than that party Three Dog Night’s mama warned them about!

MARY: Say there, tall, dark and handsome.  We’re trying to get our friend here hooked up, and maybe you two should get to know each other a little better…

SHADOW: Are you suggesting…… a highly advanced critter like myself and a common…… SKUNK!?!?  How appalling!

MARY: Don’t act like you wouldn’t hit it, dude!  I can see how uncomfortable your Pokeballs are right now….

SHADOW: Uhhhh…… errrrr….. I just remembered I….. have ummmm…. a Comicon convention to attend right now.  Far away from the evil temptations of the female form!

MARY: (Holding up her smartphone) You mean like that last convention you attended?  Someone looks awfully happy around this female form….

SHADOW: Where did you get that….!?!?!?  Don’t answer that!  I have no time for skeletons in my closet!  Good night… (POOF!)

MARY: Keep looking around, Rainy!  If you need me, I’ll be riding the mechanical unicorn…

RAINY: The men at this party are all jerks!  I don’t want to speak to another one of them….

Yoooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!  You are so kyoooooooot!!!!!!!!  Wanna do it?

RAINY: What are you talking about, you bimbo?  I am NOT a man!

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally doesn’t discriminate on the basis of gender when it comes to sexual partners!

SPARKLEPONY: How’s it going…… oh, I see you’re really playing the field tonight, Rainy.

RAINY: I am not!!!  This big titted heifer…

SPARKLEPONY: Hey, Rainy…. don’t sweat it.  It’s the 2000’s, and there’s nothing wrong with girls seeking…. well….. other girls, if that’s what floats your boat.

MITZI: Like, totally!!!!!  You rock, sugarplum!!!!

SPARKLEPONY: GAK!!!  Get away from me!!!!

MITZI: Awwwww, Mitzi, like, only used a widdow bit of tongue that time.

SPARKLEPONY: And I thought kissing my husband was nasty!

RAINY: I’m just about ready to leave to this place….

SCRATCHY: Hey Raindrop!  I found this guy hanging around in the corner.  He’s shy just like you are, so you two should really hit it off!  I’ll leave you lovebirds to it now…

CHIP: So…. um….. hello.

RAINY: Whatever.

CHIP: OK.  Let’s see… I should start off with some small talk.  So, uhhhh, lovely weather we’ve been having lately, don’t you think?

RAINY: It has NOT been lovely!  It hasn’t rained in years!

CHIP: Hmmmm, that didn’t seem to work.  Oh, I know.  I see your glass is empty.  Here, let me pour you a drink!

RAINY: Get this nasty liquor out of my precious rain gauge at once!!!!

CHIP: Geez, this is getting really awkward.  No wonder I just stay home at night.  Well, I guess I can try one more standard line.  So, uhhhh, what’s your sign?

RAINY: I’m an Aquarius!  The only Aquarius in the world who has no water to bear!!!

CHIP: Well, ummm, it looks like you’re bearing liquid right now!  Heh heh!!!  Come on, ladies are supposed to like a guy with a sense of humor!

RAINY: I do NOT find you to be amusing!  Like every other malecritter at this party, you’ve done nothing but get under my skin all night long!  Sorry girls, but the only fluid I’m going to be exchanging with a man tonight is this stuff….

Within seconds after Rainy gasses the last man standing, everyone at the party starts running for the exits…

SCRATCHY: Way to go, bitch!  You just ruined the whole damned mixer for everyone!!!

RAINY: I didn’t mean to spoil the party…

SPARKLEPONY: This place was crawling with single men before you skunked them all out of town, and you couldn’t manage to hit it off with any of them!

RAINY: I’m sorry!!!  I can’t help it I didn’t find any of the critters here to be compatible!

MARY: Surly because she can’t get laid, and can’t get laid because she’s so surly.  When will the cycle of abstinence end?

SCRATCHY: I can’t stand the smell of this toxic skunk sewage anymore.  Let’s get out of here, beyotches…

Scratchy, Sparklepony and Mary bail out, leaving Rainy to ponder her perpetual state of loneliness.

RAINY: I can’t help it I have a bad attitude!  I mean, I don’t hate guys…. they just really get on my last nerve!  I think I could really go for the strong silent type, but there isn’t anyone like that on this godforsaken Shelf!  Sigh, I guess I’ll go home now and take a shower with my rain gauge…. wait, there’s someone who hasn’t left yet.

RAINY: Where have you been all night, handsome!?!?!?

THE NEXT EVENING….

SCRATCHY: So, what should we play tonight?  Rummy?  War?  Canasta?

MARY: I’m up for a little strip poker.

SPARKLEPONY: None of us are even wearing anything!

MARY: Oh.  Right….

SCRATCHY: Or maybe some Old Maid, speak of the devil….

RAINY: Hey there, girlfriends!  I’m up for some cards!

MARY: I thought we uninvited you from our gatherings.

RAINY: I won’t be a bother, I promise!!!  I’ve turned over a brand new leaf!!!

SPARKLEPONY: Is that a smile I see?

SCRATCHY: Holy shit!  Rainy!!!  You actually got some, didn’t you!?!?!?

RAINY: I did!!!!  And I’m so excited!!!!  I couldn’t have done it without your encouragement!!!

MARY: OK now, you gotta spill!!!

SPARKLEPONY: We want a name, measurements and every move!!!

SCRATCHY: Fuck cards!  We want the juicy details!!!

RAINY: Well, I’m usually not a skunk who kisses and tells, but………..

MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SHELF….

FUZZYWIG: Drinking a bit heavy there, aren’t you Snuggle?

SNUGGLE: Dude!  After the horrible night I had, even 400 proof ain’t enough to wash away the bad memories of a Big Scrat attack!

TROLL: Well, at least you got some!!!  My date last night was with the library computer and a box of Kleenex!

CHIP: So no nasty tales of sexual conquests today.  I think I can live with that…

SNUGGLE: Hey, what about Buster?

FUZZYWIG: He slightly expired after you left the party with your hot date.

SNUGGLE: Against my will, dude!

TROLL: I got dibs on the pennies over his eyes!

CHIP: So everyone struck out last night.  What a lame bunch we are.

TROLL: Wait a minute!  What about him?

CHIP: No way.

FUZZYWIG: He’s not even as good looking as I am.

SNUGGLE: He wouldn’t tell us even if he did bag a babe last night.  And besides, no chick would go near him……

SNUGGLE: (Holding his nose) He absolutely reeks of skunk!

MR. FOX: ………………………………………………..

TROLL: Lucky son of a bitch!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to Sex And The Single Skunk

  1. Mr. Fox is no longer a member of the Virgin Isles club ehh???? Well how about that. Rainy and Fox – who’d have guessed THAT would work out. Only on the Shelf………….

    Pam

  2. Damn dude. Way to evoke the flashback of every. single. (no pun intended) mixer. I. EVER. attended. I’d have gone for Mr. Fox. because I did find out that those who had nothing to say, usually had a lot more interesting things to do with their mouth. Um. (innocent whistling) I hope your blog isn’t PG … but well I didn’t violate anything.

    • PG? Heck, there aren’t enough X’s in the world to give my blog the rating it deserves. I would imagine those constant ellipses that emanate from Mr. Fox’s mouth have a kind of vibrating effect to them….

  3. franhunne4u says:

    Somehow I knew it would be the fox … don’t ask me when, maybe right after Buster …

    • I would expect my regular SCT readers to begin expecting Mr. Fox to turn up somewhere along the line. At least I can be pretty sure he didn’t blab about his role to anyone…

  4. draliman says:

    It’s the strong, silent, mysterious ones who always get the girls – Mr Fox, Shadow…

  5. There’s so much going on around here that I really haven’t been able to attend to everything. I think by the end of next week my sanity may be back. I apologize for my lack of attention. It’s just a really difficult time. Miss you.

    • Heck, I’ve been skipping over half of my Reader intentionally the last few weeks… so I’ve been really bad at staying in contact as well. Just tired of all of the preachy and frantic posts about you know what, and have largely been ignoring any post that even mentions it….

  6. Trisha says:

    I predicted Chip would be the lucky one but it turned out he was the one that got on Rainy’s last nerve instead. Poor Chip. I hope Rainy didn’t make a mistake. I’m still not sure that Mr. Fox isn’t the most dangerous creature on the Shelf. As cute as he is, there’s just something slightly malevolent about his expression….

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