Flower Power

Today’s SCT story is inspired by the photo for Pam’s Poetic Thursday prompt….

And, of course, the usual unhealthy dose of demented imagination that oozes from The Shelf….

TROLL: Oh shit!  A flower’s growing on the stage!  The boss will be pissed if he finds out I haven’t been cleaning all of the dirt out of the cracks…

FLOWER: Leave me alone.

TROLL: Did that flower just talk to me!?!?  I only had a little bit of whiskey this morning… that can’t be the booze talking!  Well, there’s only one thing left to do now with this pretty little flower…

TROLL: Kill the fuck out of it with this herbicide!

FLOWER: Don’t spray that!  It’s bad for the environment!

TROLL: I sleep in the gutter and eat out of the Chinese buffet;s dumpster.  Do you think I give a rat’s ass about the environment?

FLOWER: OK, but when you end up killing off all of the baby seals, you’ll be sorry.

TROLL: Baby seals?  Where!?!?  I’ll spray their asses too!!!  Now, prepare to die, you filthy weed!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Did somebody say “weed?”

FLOWER: Better back off, raccoon, unless you want this stooge from Monsanto to give you non Hodgkins lymphoma…

FUZZYWIG: Put away that can right now, Troll!  You don’t spray weeds!

TROLL: But it needs to die!!!

FUZZYWIG: Dude, let me show you how to properly deal with a weed…

FUZZYWIG: Come with me, flower.  I have a very special vase to put you in…

FLOWER: If you’re referring to your bong, forget it.

FUZZYWIG: (Flicking his Bic) It’s time to light up and be happy…

FLOWER: What would Smokey the Bear have to say about you burning flowers?

FUZZYWIG: Was he on H.R. Pufnstuf?  Eh, you don’t look ripe anyway.  I’ll come back at 4:20 for my flower power fix…

Fuzzywig and Troll vacate the stage…

FLOWER: Well, that was close.  I knew it was a mistake choosing to grow my roots on the Shelf…

SPONKIE 2: Look, Bro!  A flower!

SPONKIE 1: Think we should pick it and give it to Mom?

SPONKIE 2: I think Mommy’s allergic to flowers.

SPONKIE 1: Mom said she’s allergic to everything except Cucci purses and diamond stud earrings.  Let’s pick it anyway!!!

FLOWER: What do you think you’re doing!?!?  Get your hooves off of me at once!!!

SPONKIE 2: A talking flower!!!

FLOWER: That’s right, I’m a talking flower.  You should leave me alone.

SPONKIE 1: Let’s take it home and see if we can sell it on eBay!

SPARKLEPONY: What do you two little miscreants think you’re doing?

SPONKIE 2: We were going to bring this flower home to you, Mommy, but then we found out it TALKS!!!

SPONKIE 1: Yeah!  It’s so cool!!!

SPARKLEPONY: I see I’m going to have to have your lazy father remove all of the lead paint from your rooms.  It’s time for you two to do your homework…

SPONKIE 2: But Mommy, it’s summer vacation!

SPARKLEPONY: I said MARCH!!!  Let’s go… hup, two, three, four….

FLOWER: And you wanted to take me home to give to that bitch?

SPONKIE 2: She may be a bitch, but she’s still our Mommy!

SPONKIE 1: Sis!  Watch this!!!

SPARKLEPONY: OWWWWW!!!!  My back!!!!!!!

FLOWER: So stepping on a crack really does break your momma’s back.  No wonder my mother never answers her texts…

RAINY: This is wrong!

FLOWER: You got a problem with me trying to live my life in this crack?

RAINY: How did you even grow there?  Don’t you need water to survive?

FLOWER: Well, aren’t you just an expert in horticulture…

RAINY: But it never rains on this Shelf!!!  How do you get your water!?!?

FLOWER: Does that answer your question, dear?

RAINY: That’s disgusting!!!!

FLOWER: Oh just wait.  I think it’s feeding time as well…

FLOWER: Ah, yes!  A nice, fresh batch of fertilizer!  Chocolate, my favorite flavor!!!

RAINY: I think I’m going to be sick….

FLOWER: You know, your rain gauge doubles as a barf bag…

RAINY: I’m not going to stand here and take any sass from a nasty plant that lives off of critter waste product!  I think it’s time to give you a healthy dose of something that’s really gross…

FLOWER: Achoo!!!!

RAINY: What did you just (sniffle) do to me!?!?

FLOWER: I just sprayed you with a heaping dose of my pollen, honey.  You might want to invest in a bulk bottle of Claritin…

Rainy retreats from the contaminated scene as fast her watery eyes will allow her to….

FLOWER: So much for Shelf Critter Theatre bring dead.  I thought I could get me some peace and quiet on this stage….

Yooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!  You are so kyooooooooooooot!!!!!!

FLOWER: No fucking duh.  All flowers are kyoooot.

MITZI: Do you, like, totally have a sister too?  Mitzi would totally make a set of pasties out of your petals!!!

FLOWER: WHAT!?!?

MITZI: And then Mitzi could, like, totally be the Queen of the Garden with her fwower nipply covers!!!

FLOWER: Why couldn’t I have been one of those spiky plants that can stab anyone stupid enough to come close to me?

MITZI: We should, like, totally do it right now!!!

FLOWER: Sorry airhead, but flowers don’t “do it.”

MITZI: Everybody, like, doos it!

FLOWER: Flowers need… um…. help to have sex.

MITZI: Ooooooh!  How kinky!!!  Let Mitzi, like, totally sniff your pretty flower!!!

MITZI: Oh noes!!!!  Like, somebody save Mitzi from these beezies!!!

Mitzi runs away, being chased by an entire hive of adoring drones…

FLOWER; What’s the matter, toots?  You don’t like making whoopie the flower way?  And here I thought you were a sexually liberated bimbocorn.  Those stingers beat the feeling of a vibrator any day…

BUSTER: Well, I’ll be darned!  A flower sprouted on our stage!

FLOWER: I guess you’ve come to harm me as well.

BUSTER: Why, I’d never dream of hurting one of nature’s beautiful creations!  I will need to transplant you, however.

FLOWER: Excuse me?  I’m fine just where I am.

BUSTER: You should really let me move you to a better location.

FLOWER: No!  I’ve planted my roots here in this crack, and by golly I’m going to stay here until I die…

SNUGGLE: Out of the way, you hippies!!!!!!!!!!

FLOWER: Me and my big stamen.  Oh well, at least I can wither away in peace now…

BEARCAT: Wow, Sis!  What happened here?

ZEEBA: Blood happened!!!!  Blood! Blood! Blood!  Wait a minute!!!  This one isn’t bleeding!!!!

FLOWER: Flowers (Cough! Sputter!) don’t have blood.  We have xylem and phloem…

ZEEBA: BULLSHIT!!!  There has to be blood in there somewhere!!!

BEARCAT: Settle down, Sis!

ZEEBA: Where are Mommy’s pruning shears?

FLOWER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZEEBA: Yeah!!!!  Xylem!  Phloem!  Blood!!!! PLANT BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!  Bleed me Seymour!!!!!!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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10 Responses to Flower Power

  1. I think your first couple of sentences sums up how most people feel about ecology. Even if they don’t eat out of dumpsters, they ARE the dumpsters. It’s pathetic.

  2. hehe…A fight with brains….the best kind. The one lacking loses….mol

    Shoko

  3. Oh my! Now this is what I call taking a photo of something and pumping up the volume to turn it into a story instead of just a silly poem. Say – maybe that’s an idea for a blog series Mr. Squirrel – think about it……….!!

    Pam

    • I was going to say in my comment that it had inspired a SCT idea, but I didn’t want to jinx it since it’s been so long since I made one! That poor, unsuspecting flower met its match on the Shelf…

  4. draliman says:

    Nice nod to Little Shop of Horrors at the end.
    So where I come from stepping on cracks is bad luck, in your neck of the woods it snaps a parent in half…

  5. Maybe ‘Flower Power’ can split the demise editions down the road. #PoorBuster Little Shoppe of Horrors indeed. Bravo and well done. So when are you guys hitting Off Broadway?

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