Today’s SCT story is inspired by the photo for Pam’s Poetic Thursday prompt….
And, of course, the usual unhealthy dose of demented imagination that oozes from The Shelf….
TROLL: Oh shit! A flower’s growing on the stage! The boss will be pissed if he finds out I haven’t been cleaning all of the dirt out of the cracks…
FLOWER: Leave me alone.
TROLL: Did that flower just talk to me!?!? I only had a little bit of whiskey this morning… that can’t be the booze talking! Well, there’s only one thing left to do now with this pretty little flower…
TROLL: Kill the fuck out of it with this herbicide!
FLOWER: Don’t spray that! It’s bad for the environment!
TROLL: I sleep in the gutter and eat out of the Chinese buffet;s dumpster. Do you think I give a rat’s ass about the environment?
FLOWER: OK, but when you end up killing off all of the baby seals, you’ll be sorry.
TROLL: Baby seals? Where!?!? I’ll spray their asses too!!! Now, prepare to die, you filthy weed!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Did somebody say “weed?”
FLOWER: Better back off, raccoon, unless you want this stooge from Monsanto to give you non Hodgkins lymphoma…
FUZZYWIG: Put away that can right now, Troll! You don’t spray weeds!
TROLL: But it needs to die!!!
FUZZYWIG: Dude, let me show you how to properly deal with a weed…
FUZZYWIG: Come with me, flower. I have a very special vase to put you in…
FLOWER: If you’re referring to your bong, forget it.
FUZZYWIG: (Flicking his Bic) It’s time to light up and be happy…
FLOWER: What would Smokey the Bear have to say about you burning flowers?
FUZZYWIG: Was he on H.R. Pufnstuf? Eh, you don’t look ripe anyway. I’ll come back at 4:20 for my flower power fix…
Fuzzywig and Troll vacate the stage…
FLOWER: Well, that was close. I knew it was a mistake choosing to grow my roots on the Shelf…
SPONKIE 2: Look, Bro! A flower!
SPONKIE 1: Think we should pick it and give it to Mom?
SPONKIE 2: I think Mommy’s allergic to flowers.
SPONKIE 1: Mom said she’s allergic to everything except Cucci purses and diamond stud earrings. Let’s pick it anyway!!!
FLOWER: What do you think you’re doing!?!? Get your hooves off of me at once!!!
SPONKIE 2: A talking flower!!!
FLOWER: That’s right, I’m a talking flower. You should leave me alone.
SPONKIE 1: Let’s take it home and see if we can sell it on eBay!
SPARKLEPONY: What do you two little miscreants think you’re doing?
SPONKIE 2: We were going to bring this flower home to you, Mommy, but then we found out it TALKS!!!
SPONKIE 1: Yeah! It’s so cool!!!
SPARKLEPONY: I see I’m going to have to have your lazy father remove all of the lead paint from your rooms. It’s time for you two to do your homework…
SPONKIE 2: But Mommy, it’s summer vacation!
SPARKLEPONY: I said MARCH!!! Let’s go… hup, two, three, four….
FLOWER: And you wanted to take me home to give to that bitch?
SPONKIE 2: She may be a bitch, but she’s still our Mommy!
SPONKIE 1: Sis! Watch this!!!
SPARKLEPONY: OWWWWW!!!! My back!!!!!!!
FLOWER: So stepping on a crack really does break your momma’s back. No wonder my mother never answers her texts…
RAINY: This is wrong!
FLOWER: You got a problem with me trying to live my life in this crack?
RAINY: How did you even grow there? Don’t you need water to survive?
FLOWER: Well, aren’t you just an expert in horticulture…
RAINY: But it never rains on this Shelf!!! How do you get your water!?!?
FLOWER: Does that answer your question, dear?
RAINY: That’s disgusting!!!!
FLOWER: Oh just wait. I think it’s feeding time as well…
FLOWER: Ah, yes! A nice, fresh batch of fertilizer! Chocolate, my favorite flavor!!!
RAINY: I think I’m going to be sick….
FLOWER: You know, your rain gauge doubles as a barf bag…
RAINY: I’m not going to stand here and take any sass from a nasty plant that lives off of critter waste product! I think it’s time to give you a healthy dose of something that’s really gross…
RAINY: What did you just (sniffle) do to me!?!?
FLOWER: I just sprayed you with a heaping dose of my pollen, honey. You might want to invest in a bulk bottle of Claritin…
Rainy retreats from the contaminated scene as fast her watery eyes will allow her to….
FLOWER: So much for Shelf Critter Theatre bring dead. I thought I could get me some peace and quiet on this stage….
MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!! You are so kyooooooooooooot!!!!!!
FLOWER: No fucking duh. All flowers are kyoooot.
MITZI: Do you, like, totally have a sister too? Mitzi would totally make a set of pasties out of your petals!!!
MITZI: And then Mitzi could, like, totally be the Queen of the Garden with her fwower nipply covers!!!
FLOWER: Why couldn’t I have been one of those spiky plants that can stab anyone stupid enough to come close to me?
MITZI: We should, like, totally do it right now!!!
FLOWER: Sorry airhead, but flowers don’t “do it.”
MITZI: Everybody, like, doos it!
FLOWER: Flowers need… um…. help to have sex.
MITZI: Ooooooh! How kinky!!! Let Mitzi, like, totally sniff your pretty flower!!!
MITZI: Oh noes!!!! Like, somebody save Mitzi from these beezies!!!
Mitzi runs away, being chased by an entire hive of adoring drones…
FLOWER; What’s the matter, toots? You don’t like making whoopie the flower way? And here I thought you were a sexually liberated bimbocorn. Those stingers beat the feeling of a vibrator any day…
BUSTER: Well, I’ll be darned! A flower sprouted on our stage!
FLOWER: I guess you’ve come to harm me as well.
BUSTER: Why, I’d never dream of hurting one of nature’s beautiful creations! I will need to transplant you, however.
FLOWER: Excuse me? I’m fine just where I am.
BUSTER: You should really let me move you to a better location.
FLOWER: No! I’ve planted my roots here in this crack, and by golly I’m going to stay here until I die…
SNUGGLE: Out of the way, you hippies!!!!!!!!!!
FLOWER: Me and my big stamen. Oh well, at least I can wither away in peace now…
BEARCAT: Wow, Sis! What happened here?
ZEEBA: Blood happened!!!! Blood! Blood! Blood! Wait a minute!!! This one isn’t bleeding!!!!
FLOWER: Flowers (Cough! Sputter!) don’t have blood. We have xylem and phloem…
ZEEBA: BULLSHIT!!! There has to be blood in there somewhere!!!
BEARCAT: Settle down, Sis!
ZEEBA: Where are Mommy’s pruning shears?
ZEEBA: Yeah!!!! Xylem! Phloem! Blood!!!! PLANT BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!! Bleed me Seymour!!!!!!
BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!