SAGE: Volunteering at the local critter shelter is one of the best decisions I ever made! I love critters so much, and helping them find loving, caring, forever homes gives me such a good feeling inside! Just like my special toy…
CAPER: Maybe one of these days you’ll actually find someone to adopt me. I’ve been sitting on this desk for ten months now, which is about 80 skunk years!
SAGE: Oh, there’s my paperweight I’ve been looking for! (Grabs Caper and plants her butt on top of some important shot records)
CAPER: Classic! I love my role in Shelf Critter Theatre. Not!
SAGE: Oh, a customer! Were you looking to adopt a furry bundle of love, sir?
TROLL: Hey, that sounds kinda kinky! Actually, I was looking for a canine companion to have by my side so I can blame my farts on him.
CAPER: I’m a very wonderful companion, and am even trained to shit on the newspaper…
SAGE: (Pushes her paperweight aside) Well sir, we have plenty of wonderful pooches to choose from! If I can just have you fill out these forms first…
TROLL: Why are there all these personal questions? I don’t know my mother’s maiden name… she changed it when she wound up on the FBI’s Most Wanted list. And what would my employment situation matter? I’m kinda between jobs….. well, fifteen years between jobs, and….
SAGE: Sir, adopting a critter is a very important commitment! We must make sure all of our animals go to homes that can provide them not only with love, but the things they need! If you can’t afford to buy your dog food….
TROLL: But I’m always willing to share what I find in the dumpster behind KFC!
SAGE: You know what, I think I actually have the perfect critter for you. Come this way…
SAGE: This is Buster, a possum we found lying in a pothole behind the shelter last month.
TROLL: He’s kinda cute. Does he do tricks?
SAGE: Well, he can play dead rather well. Since nobody donates possum chow to the shelter, we haven’t been able to feed him during his stay with us… so you’re more than welcome to make Buster a part of your family!
TROLL: Great! I don’t have any possum chow either… but I know where my next week’s worth of meals will be coming from! (Fastens a leash onto Buster collar and drags him from his pen, leaving a trail of maggots behind) Come on, buddy!
SAGE: That’s one more hard-to-adopt critter who now has a happy home!
CAPER: He would have completely decomposed in a few more weeks, I think.
HANK FOX: Howdy, folks!
CLETUS RACCOON: I reckon this here establishment is the local critter pound.
JIM BOB SQUIRREL: We’re in the market for a critter to keep us company on the farm!
CAPER: I’m a great animal herder and have plenty of experience working on farms! I also graduated in the top of my class from 4-H, and I don’t get allergic smelling hay…
SAGE: Well, you’ve come to the right place, gentlemen! Were you looking for any particular species in particular?
HANK: We ain’t perticularly choosy
CLETUS: I reckon this critter here’s exactly what we’s wantin’!
MARY: Hello boys…. I mean, Baaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
SAGE: I guess I should have expected you country folks to go for something a bit more exotic. It’s unusual that we even have a lamb here at the shelter.
HANK: It was Dog’s will!
CLETUS: I reckon yer right, brother Hank! It’s a sign from above!
SAGE: Let me unlock her cage so you can check her out.
JIM BOB: Y’all, I think she’s perfect!
CLETUS: I reckon yer right, brother Jim Bob!
SAGE: But you’re all standing behind her! Don’t you want to see her from the front?
HANK: Our Unca Forrest yusta tell us to never look a gift critter in the mouth.
CLETUS: And I reckon he should know from ‘sperience since he done got it bitten off by that thar goat he bought at the state fair.
JIM BOB: Yep, we’re only int’rested in the rear. And a fine rear it is at that!
SAGE: Are you suggesting……. NO!!!! I can’t let you adopt a critter for…… that’s not right!!!
MARY: (Wagging her little tushie) Oh, hush it, Sage! I haven’t exactly been getting any since you hauled my ass off the red light corner and locked me up in this cage! Come on boys, we ain’t nothing but mammals!
Mary follows the redneck trio out the door to do things that will hopefully stay on the farm…
SAGE: Good morning! What a lovely family you all are!
SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Mommy said we could get a pet!
CHILD 2: A cat or a dog!
CHILD 3: Or a hippopotamus!
CHILD 4: Something big enough to eat pipsqueak!
LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy!!!
CAPER: I behave well around children, and regularly groom my fur so that I won’t shed on the carpet…
SAGE: Come this way, I have a puppy I think you’ll all just adore!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I WILL REMEMBER YOOOOOUUUU! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SAGE: Fleabag here was rescued from a puppy mill where he was forced to do nothing but have sex all day long.
SQUIRREL MOM: What a cruel existence.
CHILD 2; Mommy, what’s sex?
CHILD 3: They won’t tell us in third grade!
CHILD 1: I’ll bet it involves cooties!
CHILD 4: Ewwwww!!!!
LITTLEST: Do you have cooties, mutt!?!?
SAGE: I assure you all of our animals have been vaccinated against things like…. cooties.
ALL CHILDREN: We’ll take him!!!!
HUNG LO: Not so fast! Hung Lo see mutt first! Want to make offer.
SAGE: But you can’t deprive this family of a beloved furbaby the children have grown attached to…
Hung Lo hands Sage a wad of currency with strange Chinese characters on it…
SAGE: Thank you for your purchase, sir. I hope you enjoy your new furry friend!
HUNG LO: Most definitely will. Come to Hung Lo’s buffet for dinner tonight if you’d like to enjoy my mutt as well.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! SOYLENT EGGROLLS ARE DOGGIES! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
The Squirrel Children start whining and crying and flipping off Hung Lo as he leads his new “food service” animal out the door.
SAGE: Well, we have plenty of other loving critters to choose from. Please feel free to keep browsing…
SNUGGLE: ‘Sup, Beyotch? Uncle Snuggie’s looking to adopt!
CAPER: I’m…… most definitely not what you’re looking for.
SAGE: Well, let’s go see if we can find the perfect critter for you! Do you have any preferences?
SNUGGLE: Yeah, no older than 12 weeks!
SAGE: A kitten or a puppy then? Well, we have….
SNUGGLE: I’mma take this one!!!
SAGE: Well, Tina’s certainly not very old. She can be a bit unpredictable, though…
SNUGGLE: Let her out! I wanna feed my new princess!
SAGE: Sir, you should never give chocolate to a…
SNUGGLE: Hey, shut it! I know what my baby girls like, and they like Uncle Snuggie’s candy!!!
SNUGGLE: This fucking bitch bit me!!!!!!! You don’t bite the hand that feeds you candy, dollface!!!
SAGE: Sir, you could have contracted rabies!!! We need to get you urgent medical attention!
SNUGGLE: Fuck that! I’ll come back when you’ve gotten yourself a load of good girls in this orphanage!
SAGE: I’m sorry, but I must insist! You need to receive a regimen of injections to guard against a rabies infection! Lucky for you, we have a doctor on staff at the shelter…
SNUGGLE: A proctologist isn’t qualified to be giving rabies shots!!!
BIG SCRAT: Why not? The shots normally go in you belly. My way, the medicine just takes a bit of a “scenic route.” Now bend over while I whip out my needle full of medicine…
Big Scrat drags his patient back to an unused cage for “treatment”…
TINA: Aunt Scratchy!!!
SCRATCHY: There you are, Tina! What happened to you? And what’s that noise?
TINA: Just a couple of stray animals in heat. Anyway, I was just minding my own business taking selfies in a Burger King bathroom when some prevert threw a net over my head and sent me to this prison!
SCRATCHY: That’s what you get for ignoring your curfew, young lady! Now march back home and go to your room, and I’m suspending all 69 of your social media accounts until further notice!!!
SAGE: Never a dull moment at the critter pound, let me tell you.
CAPER: Sit on this desk for 80 skunk years and see if you still feel that way…
SAGE: Oh, Mrs. Squirrel! Weren’t you able to find a suitable pet for your nesthold?
SQUIRREL MOM: Nope. I need to hurry home before I miss Real Wives of Tittybong…
SAGE: Well, she sure seems in a hurry. Wait! Where are her kids!?!?
CHILD 1: Aunt Sage! Aunt Sage! Help us!!!!
SAGE: What happened!?!?
CHILD 2: Mommy said there was a cute kitty cat sleeping in the back of this cage!
CHILD 3: So we ran inside to pet it!
CHILD 4: Then SLAM! Mommy locked us in here and ran away!
LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy what Mommy did to us!!!
SAGE: Oh no, I need to help you boys! I’ll call (The bell attached to the door rings)….. oh wait, another customer!!! I’ll be back!
SAGE: Good morning, sir!
UNCLE SAM: That’s “Mr. President” to you, citizen.
SAGE: Well, what can this humble citizen do for you?
SAM: I’m looking for a running mate.
SAGE: At a critter shelter?
SAM: Why not? You don’t have to be important to be a Vice President. I’m only looking for three things in a running mate. Charisma….
CAPER: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!
SAM: Good looks…
CAPER: Ask not what your shelf can do for you, but what you can do for your shelf!
SAM: And someone who knows how to stay quiet!
CAPER: Calvin Coolidge was my great uncle!
SAGE: I have the perfect running mate for you!
SAM: Yes, yes. I think this will do. Son, do you accept the nomination to be my Vice Presidential running mate?
MR. FOX: ………………………………..
SAM: We’ve got a ticket! Come with me, Vice President Fox, and let’s make this shelf great again!
SAGE: Wow! It isn’t often you get a visit from the President of the Shelf!
CAPER: I hope he didn’t give the other critters fleas…
SAGE: Hello, sir! Have you dropped by to add a special four legged friend to your life?
FUZZYWIG: (Snapping out of a trance) Huh, what? Oh, I must have wandered in here on another 4:20 walkabout.
SAGE: Well, while you’re here, maybe you’d like to adopt a furry companion!
FUZZYWIG: The only pets I adopt are Chias. And those aren’t blades of grass I grow on their heads…
SAGE: Don’t you think a special critter would make your life more complete?
FUZZYWIG: Not really. But, maybe…… maybe I could use a guard dog. You know, to keep intruders out of my secret stash.
CAPER: I’m a master at judo, tae kwon do, and the ancient art of shit zu…
SAGE: You need a critter for protection? I have just the little furbaby for you!!!
FUZZYWIG: This reminds me of the alley I have to buy my “supplies” from. “Vicious,” it must be a doberman, or a pitbull, or maybe a chihuahua…
SAGE: (Getting out bolt cutters) Even more fierce than that! Please stand back….
The cage opens to reveal……………..
ZEEBA: Rawr! Growl! Like, gimme some blood, man!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Well, aren’t you a little sparkplug?
SAGE: We have a few tranquilizer darts on hand we can spare if she should get too out of hand.
FUZZYWIG: Nah, I got something else that should mellow her out a tad. I’ll take her.
ZEEBA: Yeah! Zeeba got stonerback rides!!!
FUZZWYIG: Just don’t use my bong as a chew toy, and we’ll be good.
ZEEBA: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! Don’t bogart the BLOOD!!!!
SAGE: Finding good homes for the undesirable critters has never been easier than it has today!
CAPER: Yeah, except for…
SAGE: Oh, there I go talking to my paperweight again…
CAPER: (Flipping both birds) Fuck you!
SANTA: Ho ho ho!!!
SAGE: Santa! You’ve come early this year! Have you brought a load of cat and dog stockings for our guests?
SANTA: Are you fucking serious? That’s the biggest scam going on at Mecca during the holidays, outside of trying to pass off a sex offending cart pusher in a beard as me. Unfortunately, I need a new team of reindeer for my sleigh!
SAGE: What happened to the regular reindeer?
SANTA: Eh, while I was on summer vacay in Costa Rica, Blitzen caught the fucking trots and gave it to the rest of the stable. So Santa had to whip out his trusty sawed-off and
BOOM! Prancer and Vixen!
SAGE: (Sniffle!) Santa, please!!! STOP!!!! This is all too sad!!!
SANTA: Funny how “Ol’ Yeller” makes me bawl like a baby every time I watch it, yet I didn’t shed a tear when I did in Cupid execution style. They’re gonna be a bitch to replace come The Big Day, though…
CAPER: My nose glows at night, and I’m very good at playing reindeer games…
SAGE: Wait, Santa!!!! I’ve got it!!! Sage, you’re a genius! Meet your new sleigh team!
SANTA: Oh, geez, I’m allergic to kids in the offseason. You little bastards think you can pull a sixteen ton sleigh a couple hundred thousand miles around the world in one night?
CHILD 2: Is that farther than around the block?
CHILD 3: Mommy won’t let us go that far from home.
SANTA: Fuck Mommy! You kids are now indentured servants of Christmas Folklore, Inc.! Welcome to the team! Now, who wants to wear the red nose?
Santa crams his new squirreldeer into a tiny pet carrier and heads back to the North Pole for some extensive training…
SLIDER: Good afternoon, ma’am. I’m Officer Slider from the Shelf’s Critter Welfare Office, and I’m here on very important business regarding this shelter’s overcrowding problem.
SAGE: Well, that’s a thing of the past now, officer, because today I managed to place all of the rescue critters in this building!
SLIDER: That’s wonderful, because I was sent here to euthanize any critters who were remaining because this shelter is being closed down immediately so funds can be directed towards more important projects like building the new country club.
SAGE: Oh no! I’m sad that the shelter is being closed down…. but at least no critters will have to be put to sleep just to save a few bucks!
SLIDER: Um, what about this critter?
SAGE: Huh? Oh, that? Well, you know how hard it is to place unwanted critters. I mean, nobody would ever consider adopting her and she’s really only useful as a paperweight.
SLIDER: Hmmmm, the Paperweight Makers Union would have a fit if we used any non-sanctioned supplies back at the office. Sorry, but I’m afraid this critter is going to have to be destroyed!
CAPER: Wonderful. Oh well, at least I’ll be put out of my misery. Can I have a last cigarette before I’m put to sleep?
SLIDER: My intern will now proceed with the euthanization…
CAPER: I shouldn’t have expected anything less from the insane fucker who writes these stories. Oh well, goodbye cruel w….
SAGE: Ah, I love working for the Humane Society!
SLIDER: Say, how are you at handling snakes? I’d like to take you out to dinner on the office expense account…